First, thank you for taking the time to read this. It is somewhat long, I am sorry.
Ill give some background and try and end with questions. Thank you in advance.
Last October this guy, Nate, and I were kinda of thrown together because of a somewhat disastrous situation at our school. Over the course of several months we worked together and became incredible friends. In late January sometime we acknowledged that we had feelings for each other and decided to explore them. We went on trips together, worked on projects together, bonded over art and books and became incredibly close. Several months later we had a conversation about commitment and where we both were with things. We both agreed that neither of us were ready, or felt the need to put a label on our relationship, but we both agreed that we were incredibly committed to exploring what we had. I knew that he had a lot of fears about relationships. Over the past five years he has been in several slightly detrimental relationships. He has constantly felt like in order to have a successful relationship he has had to “lose” a part of himself to make his partner happy, thus losing his autonomy and feeling very unsupported in his life. We talked in depth about partnership and came to find out that we both had exactly the same views on what a healthy relationship looks like, what real partnership looks like etc. Every conversation we had made it clearer and clearer that we were completely on the same page about things. As the weeks went by and turned into months, things just kept getting better. I knew from fairly early on that he was questioning monogamy, questioning that one person should be expected to satisfy everything for him. But it was a pretty brief conversation that was lumped into a larger conversation about not wanting label what we were and to just spend our time at the moment really exploring. Its been about three months now.
I had made plans months ago to spend my summer in Canada and so about three weeks he and I drove to Canada, spent four days in Vancouver and then he flew home and I continued north. On our drive up he told me that he had been sleeping with someone else. I was a little surprised, but I also had figured he was considering our conversation about monogamy. It was hard. I spent half a day processing alone. We talked about it. He said that it was pretty much just sex, that they were exploring things sexually, that he felt really good about it, that it was fun, but they had no where near the emotional connection we had. I didn’t ask who it was, I didn’t ask how much time they were spending together I just said ok. I really felt like he would tell me if there were things I needed to know.
We had a blast in Vancouver, became closer, everything was great. I knew that I was falling in love with him, but I didn’t say anything. He was coming back to Vancouver on tour in about three weeks, and I said something about maybe coming down to hang out. He got super weird suddenly and said that he didn’t know how he was going to feel in three weeks, and that it felt like too much of a commitment to make at that moment. I understood so we left it. Now, the band that he is in is with this girl who also went to our school. I have met her a few times. Lots of my friends asked me if she was the one he was sleeping with and I repeatedly said that i was sure it wasn’t because if he was going on tour with the girl he was sleeping with he definitely would have told me.
So we parted ways. Being a part was hard. Maintaining positive communication was a little hard, but we figured things out and both of us were were super excited to hang out again when I went home at the end of the summer. His toured rolled around and coincidentally I had to go back to vancouver right around that time anyway to pick up another friend at the airport. I asked him when exactly he was going to be there and if I could plan my trip down around when he was going to be there. He didn’t respond for two days, so I had to make a decision. Then he got back to me and of course it turned out that the night that I was going to be there he had decided he wanted to go camping (had excuses and was evasive about his plans). I was a little baffled and hurt and I got a little irritated which led to a huge and really good conversation about communication. He apologized and said that he totally should have just communicated what was going on for him. He said something about how he felt like seeing me for only a short time was just going to be hard because it was going to make him miss me even more. By that point I was sorta over it, so I just said well, “Ill be in vancouver tomorrow at 1:30, if you roll into the city around then lemme know.” When I got into the city I texted a mutual friend of ours who he was going to stay with to see if he wanted to get some food. He kept saying “yeah, that sounds great, Nate should be in town in about an hour, lets all go then.” So I texted Nate to see if he was into that and he said he wasn’t and that he didn’t want to see me. It just kinda hit me in that moment that he must be sleeping with the girl he was on tour with because why else wouldn’t he want to hang out. So I asked him, and of course he said yes. I was completely appalled. I pretty much just said that we needed to talk when he was able to. He said he would meet me in 15 minutes. So we met up and talked for about three hours. I asked him why he hadn’t told me and he said he was afraid I would leave if he did and that I had never asked. I said that didn't matter and that I didn’t ask about what he was doing because I didn’t feel like it effected me, but that he was the one who knew when he had started effecting me and that it was his responsibility to tell me what was going on. He agreed. Anyway. Among other things, he also said that their relationship had changed in the past three weeks and it was more than just sex now. He said he wants to be with both of us. That he really wants to explore things without being limited. He says that he feels like non-monogomy/being open is something that he isn’t going to want forever, and that he can see that being with me monogamously, but that he just isn’t ready. He acknowledges that a lot of the things about monogamy that scare him because of past relationships, he doesn’t think would happen with me. He also says that he can’t really seeing being with this other girl in the way he can see being with me. He says he doesn’t want to fall in love at this time in his life, but before I left, I could swear he was falling.
I should also say that she just got divorced because her husband didn’t want to be open so she is really wanting to explore this type of lifestyle.
All of these things are very rational and if they had been there from the beginning, there would be no issue. There are many things about all of this that are hard for me. But maybe one of the biggest is that over the course of our many conversations he has really seemed to want serious commitment and to really go deep with someone. Now it seems like he just kind of wants his cake and to eat it too.
I feel incredibly hurt that he wasn’t honest with me. I feel incredibly taken advantage of, incredibly pushed aside, sort of fucked over in a way. He feels bad and I know that he cares about me a lot. Im just kind of in shock that he is in vancouver with her, sleeping in the same bed we slept in three weeks ago, going to the same coffee shop, sitting on the same rooftop where we made out and had one of the best conversations. It all just kills me and makes me feel like the special things about the two of us, maybe aren’t really so special, because maybe he has them with her too. Is this the way all of this kind of thing is supposed to be?
I think I could be in a poly relationship if he and I were really together and really committed and it felt like our relationship was the priority.
I just don’t really know how to make sense of all this. I don’t understand how relationships like this work. How do you people create boundaries around sex? How do people deal with jealousy? I just feel like I'm going to go to his house and have a great time and then what if he says he needs the rest of the day to himself, all I am going to be able to think is that he wants me to leave so he can go see her. Do people think that being poly can really bring the same kind of depth that being monogamous can? It worries that me that when things are hard you can just go find someone else and that have the opportunity to being with others, doesn’t encourage a couple to push through and try to work things out.
I think I would just like people’s insights. This is all very knew to me and clearly very hard for me to wrap my head around. I don’t know anyone in a relationship like this, so I have no one to talk with. Any perspective is greatly appreciated.
-G
Ill give some background and try and end with questions. Thank you in advance.
Last October this guy, Nate, and I were kinda of thrown together because of a somewhat disastrous situation at our school. Over the course of several months we worked together and became incredible friends. In late January sometime we acknowledged that we had feelings for each other and decided to explore them. We went on trips together, worked on projects together, bonded over art and books and became incredibly close. Several months later we had a conversation about commitment and where we both were with things. We both agreed that neither of us were ready, or felt the need to put a label on our relationship, but we both agreed that we were incredibly committed to exploring what we had. I knew that he had a lot of fears about relationships. Over the past five years he has been in several slightly detrimental relationships. He has constantly felt like in order to have a successful relationship he has had to “lose” a part of himself to make his partner happy, thus losing his autonomy and feeling very unsupported in his life. We talked in depth about partnership and came to find out that we both had exactly the same views on what a healthy relationship looks like, what real partnership looks like etc. Every conversation we had made it clearer and clearer that we were completely on the same page about things. As the weeks went by and turned into months, things just kept getting better. I knew from fairly early on that he was questioning monogamy, questioning that one person should be expected to satisfy everything for him. But it was a pretty brief conversation that was lumped into a larger conversation about not wanting label what we were and to just spend our time at the moment really exploring. Its been about three months now.
I had made plans months ago to spend my summer in Canada and so about three weeks he and I drove to Canada, spent four days in Vancouver and then he flew home and I continued north. On our drive up he told me that he had been sleeping with someone else. I was a little surprised, but I also had figured he was considering our conversation about monogamy. It was hard. I spent half a day processing alone. We talked about it. He said that it was pretty much just sex, that they were exploring things sexually, that he felt really good about it, that it was fun, but they had no where near the emotional connection we had. I didn’t ask who it was, I didn’t ask how much time they were spending together I just said ok. I really felt like he would tell me if there were things I needed to know.
We had a blast in Vancouver, became closer, everything was great. I knew that I was falling in love with him, but I didn’t say anything. He was coming back to Vancouver on tour in about three weeks, and I said something about maybe coming down to hang out. He got super weird suddenly and said that he didn’t know how he was going to feel in three weeks, and that it felt like too much of a commitment to make at that moment. I understood so we left it. Now, the band that he is in is with this girl who also went to our school. I have met her a few times. Lots of my friends asked me if she was the one he was sleeping with and I repeatedly said that i was sure it wasn’t because if he was going on tour with the girl he was sleeping with he definitely would have told me.
So we parted ways. Being a part was hard. Maintaining positive communication was a little hard, but we figured things out and both of us were were super excited to hang out again when I went home at the end of the summer. His toured rolled around and coincidentally I had to go back to vancouver right around that time anyway to pick up another friend at the airport. I asked him when exactly he was going to be there and if I could plan my trip down around when he was going to be there. He didn’t respond for two days, so I had to make a decision. Then he got back to me and of course it turned out that the night that I was going to be there he had decided he wanted to go camping (had excuses and was evasive about his plans). I was a little baffled and hurt and I got a little irritated which led to a huge and really good conversation about communication. He apologized and said that he totally should have just communicated what was going on for him. He said something about how he felt like seeing me for only a short time was just going to be hard because it was going to make him miss me even more. By that point I was sorta over it, so I just said well, “Ill be in vancouver tomorrow at 1:30, if you roll into the city around then lemme know.” When I got into the city I texted a mutual friend of ours who he was going to stay with to see if he wanted to get some food. He kept saying “yeah, that sounds great, Nate should be in town in about an hour, lets all go then.” So I texted Nate to see if he was into that and he said he wasn’t and that he didn’t want to see me. It just kinda hit me in that moment that he must be sleeping with the girl he was on tour with because why else wouldn’t he want to hang out. So I asked him, and of course he said yes. I was completely appalled. I pretty much just said that we needed to talk when he was able to. He said he would meet me in 15 minutes. So we met up and talked for about three hours. I asked him why he hadn’t told me and he said he was afraid I would leave if he did and that I had never asked. I said that didn't matter and that I didn’t ask about what he was doing because I didn’t feel like it effected me, but that he was the one who knew when he had started effecting me and that it was his responsibility to tell me what was going on. He agreed. Anyway. Among other things, he also said that their relationship had changed in the past three weeks and it was more than just sex now. He said he wants to be with both of us. That he really wants to explore things without being limited. He says that he feels like non-monogomy/being open is something that he isn’t going to want forever, and that he can see that being with me monogamously, but that he just isn’t ready. He acknowledges that a lot of the things about monogamy that scare him because of past relationships, he doesn’t think would happen with me. He also says that he can’t really seeing being with this other girl in the way he can see being with me. He says he doesn’t want to fall in love at this time in his life, but before I left, I could swear he was falling.
I should also say that she just got divorced because her husband didn’t want to be open so she is really wanting to explore this type of lifestyle.
All of these things are very rational and if they had been there from the beginning, there would be no issue. There are many things about all of this that are hard for me. But maybe one of the biggest is that over the course of our many conversations he has really seemed to want serious commitment and to really go deep with someone. Now it seems like he just kind of wants his cake and to eat it too.
I feel incredibly hurt that he wasn’t honest with me. I feel incredibly taken advantage of, incredibly pushed aside, sort of fucked over in a way. He feels bad and I know that he cares about me a lot. Im just kind of in shock that he is in vancouver with her, sleeping in the same bed we slept in three weeks ago, going to the same coffee shop, sitting on the same rooftop where we made out and had one of the best conversations. It all just kills me and makes me feel like the special things about the two of us, maybe aren’t really so special, because maybe he has them with her too. Is this the way all of this kind of thing is supposed to be?
I think I could be in a poly relationship if he and I were really together and really committed and it felt like our relationship was the priority.
I just don’t really know how to make sense of all this. I don’t understand how relationships like this work. How do you people create boundaries around sex? How do people deal with jealousy? I just feel like I'm going to go to his house and have a great time and then what if he says he needs the rest of the day to himself, all I am going to be able to think is that he wants me to leave so he can go see her. Do people think that being poly can really bring the same kind of depth that being monogamous can? It worries that me that when things are hard you can just go find someone else and that have the opportunity to being with others, doesn’t encourage a couple to push through and try to work things out.
I think I would just like people’s insights. This is all very knew to me and clearly very hard for me to wrap my head around. I don’t know anyone in a relationship like this, so I have no one to talk with. Any perspective is greatly appreciated.
-G
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