Planning vs Spontaneity

[njyummy]

Hey folks. I'm curious how you manage planning vs spontaneity, in multiple relationships, especially where a primary or nesting situation is present.

Do you plan things with non-nesting partners in advance? Do you allow for spontaneous dates and do you extend dates at times?

In my situation, my nesting partner has informed me about a date with his other love a few hours ahead...then proceeded to say that this would be an ovenight date, 24 hrs later telling me that he would spend yet another night with that person. As I expressed some sadness and distress about the suddenness and the change, he responded with saying that our different modus operandi were the problem: that I prefer to have things planned, while he cherishes spontaneity; i.e. perhaps I could be more open to accepting his spontaneity.

While these characterisitcs are true, I struggle to "buy" this justification. I know that for many poly folks careful planning is very important, there are google calendars etc. Personally I would struggle with such complete freedom and lack of predictability. It raises my anxiety really high.

Any reflections, suggestions or ideas how you would manage it welcome!

 

[GalaGirl]

In my situation, my nesting partner has informed me about a date with his other love a few hours ahead...then proceeded to say that this would be an ovenight date, 24 hrs later telling me that he would spend yet another night with that person.

A few hours notice from a nesting partner? That is too short notice for me. If I was younger or older without these other people obligations then I wouldn't care.

Right now because of eldercare and childcare? I do care. Changing plans on me with only a few hours notice? That would stink.

Because it would leave me holding the bag with the kids/elders and their medical which is kinda fresh, to be honest. Like my time isn't as valuable or my need to have a break from responsibilities doesn't count as much as his.

We use Google calendar and the teens are on it. Sunday night or Monday morning I send out the email to check in that the week is correct, and if not, people have to fix their entries. There's too many moving parts to deal in spontaneous. "Spontaneous" over here is planned. See that weekend with a box around it? That's spontaneous weekend. We can do whatever when we get there.

Spouse and I each have 2 nights a week off from any elder/kid responsibilities. Whether we stay home or go out? We are just NOT the parent to ask about stuff.

As I expressed some sadness and distress about the suddenness and the change, he responded with saying that our different modus operandi were the problem: that I prefer to have things planned, while he cherishes spontaneity; i.e. perhaps I could be more open to accepting his spontaneity.

Or he could be more open to accepting your need to manage your anxiety by having a schedule. Meet in the middle somewhere. Like plans during the week because of work or whatever, and looser on the weekends.

Or some other arrangement.

Like you solve it for yourself by assuming he's always loose and don't count on him for anything major on a schedule. Pleasant bonus if he's available, but not like it messes up your schedule if he changes plans on you. Then you don't have to be anxious about how his schedule intersects with yours. Because when it does intersect it's like "oh, pleasant bonus" and not like "Oh, crap!"

It might affect whether or not you want to be nesting partners with someone living on spontaneous schedule. But that's what happens. Initial compatibility isn't automatically deep compatibility.

As I expressed some sadness and distress about the suddenness and the change, he responded with saying that our different modus operandi were the problem

While these characterisitcs are true, I struggle to "buy" this justification.

It sounds like what you needed in the moment was comfort because you were disappointed with the change in plans.

And he didn't hear the need because he was busy defending his choice instead.

Is that true?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey folks. I'm curious how you manage planning vs spontaneity, in multiple relationships, especially where a primary or nesting situation is present.

Do you plan things with non-nesting partners in advance? Do you allow for spontaneous dates and do you extend dates at times?

In my situation, my nesting partner has informed me about a date with his other love a few hours ahead...then proceeded to say that this would be an ovenight date, 24 hrs later telling me that he would spend yet another night with that person. As I expressed some sadness and distress about the suddenness and the change, he responded with saying that our different modus operandi were the problem: that I prefer to have things planned, while he cherishes spontaneity; i.e. perhaps I could be more open to accepting his spontaneity.

While these characterisitcs are true, I struggle to "buy" this justification. I know that for many poly folks careful planning is very important, there are google calendars etc. Personally I would struggle with such complete freedom and lack of predictability. It raises my anxiety really high.

Any reflections, suggestions or ideas how you would manage it welcome!

How long have you been living with this guy? How long did you date before moving in together?

Is this a new desire of his, this "spontaneity?" Or has he always been this way? You seem suddenly annoyed by it, even though you live together, which implies a LTR.

If he was more reliable before, and is suddenly all "spontaneous" with a "new love," I get a yellow flag feeling that his NRE for you is over and he's catting off after the new and shiny, and then dissing you when you feel left in the dust. He shouldn't expect you to "get over it" if this is new behavior and you feel neglected and disrespected.

 

[vinsanity0]

While I do enjoy a schedule, I also realize things happen. Spontaneity can be fun, but sometimes not if you are the one that is not included. However, one must be careful to not take a nesting partner for granted. I prefer a relationship that is autonomous enough to allow for some spontaneity.

So...why does it bother you that your partner decided to go out? Did you have plans?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello njyummy,

While a relatively small amount of spontaneity can always be nice, poly relationships are usually too complex to handle a lot of spontaneity. I think your nesting partner is being a little impractical, and probably floating around in NRE, allowing you to be neglected in order to suddenly decide to spend the night with his exciting new lover. This is not fair to you. A sudden change to the schedule once in awhile is okay and understandable, but it's not cool when he hits you with two big changes, one after another. At the very least he should be willing to do some compromising with you, sticking to a schedule most of the time, while allowing for a sudden change in plans once in a while.

I'm in a closed V, where all three of us are primary/nesting partners, and none of us has any secondary partners. We allow for some spontaneity, but mostly we plan things in advance and have a group calendar. This is what works for us. You have to figure out what works for you. I hope this thread is helpful for you so far.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ElMango]

Do you plan things with non-nesting partners in advance? Do you allow for spontaneous dates and do you extend dates at times?

We do planned spontaneity. So, Someone has a date, we clarify ahead of time what it may evolve into; Could that date turn into an overnight and you're gone for an extra night? Then we make sure it works beforehand, so then there are no issues if it does happen. Having a date come over? Make sure that them staying over is gonna work.
All of our time is valuable and we all have different work schedules. We have google calendars on all our phones, but when planning dates we do double check to make sure nobody forgot to enter plans or anything in.

my nesting partner has informed me about a date with his other love a few hours ahead

Part of me says this depends on context. Was it time you had expected to spend together?

...then proceeded to say that this would be an ovenight date, 24 hrs later telling me that he would spend yet another night with that person.

Yeah, I wouldn't be okay with that. It would leave me blowing in the wind; I'd have already pulled out food for dinner and been trying to plan in quality time and balance stuff with my other partner.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

One can get into a rut where they feel their nesting/primary/spousal partner is "theirs" during "downtime". So if it is time when they'd just be mooching around the house, they should seek permission if they do something else in that time. Especially if it is with another partner. By "downtime", I mean time where there is no quality time scheduled or family duties/leisure time.

It can help if you think of your partner's time as solely their time to do what they wish. The time they spend with you is time they choose to share with you. That makes it easier to accept if they choose to spend it with other people or doing other things. Of course you can have boundaries around how much time is acceptable to you in order to remain their partner, but it lifts that idea of their unscheduled time being yours. And of course, their commitments to their children, job, and home still have to be fulfilled but you can't make someone do that by making their time, your time. You just have to hope your partner has similar priorities to you and so will adjust their availability to match their existing commitments.

ETA: to endure your QT with your NP, you schedule it in like you do anything else. You literally make dates.

 

[MeeraReed]

One thing that frustrates non-nesting partners, is that they are often not "allowed" to have spontaneous dates because it upsets the nesting partner. Whereas nesting partners might be able to take off together on a spontaneous weekend trip or whatever, without getting permission from the non-nesting partner.

But I can understand being annoyed if a live-in partner suddenly disappears for two days without even checking with you ahead of time.

 

[Magdlyn]

Wat.

the hell?

 

[Emm]

Moderator note

A post and a reply to it which quoted it have been removed from public view. If you happen to have read it before it disappeared please don't discuss it here.

 

[Vicki82]

We have a small human, so too much spontaneity is not appreciated since that puts the other nesting partner on the spot. Both of us try to mark things in our shared Google calendar so we can make plans around things.

If the occasional thing comes up, we try and work it in as much as possible, but it doesn't always work. If we have no plans, then awesome. We still check with each other though- not for permission but to make sure we haven't already agreed to something.

 

[ElMango]

This is so accurate

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

My husband and I parent together and share a car so spontaneity is mostly off the table because of those commitments. He also has a lot of after business hours work commitments and I have asecond job that includes evenings/ weekends. Very occasionally something last minute fits in with all that, but not often. It helps if it's kid friendly and/or comes with an offer of transportation.

If Hubby went on a date and didn't come home for 2 days? He'd have very cranky people to deal with. Little girl does NOT handle unexpected absences well and I do not appreciate being put in a position where I'm essentially a single parent for over 24 hours. If I did that? Little girl would be cranky but hubby probably wouldn't care IF I communicated well along the way. He's more easygoing than i am. Lol

 

[Yes]

I am the secondary, non-nesting partner, and I am the one with children (although he has older children he visits regularly) and a tricky schedule. I am grateful that Tony's primary is fairly flexible, but we do plan ahead. She has to schedule her other partners as well.
Being spontaneous doesn't work at this point in our lives!