Please give me advice on how to deal with this

Gabe

New member
My (25) girlfriend (25) and I have been dating since December. She was in a pretty controlling marriage before me, and so finds being with multiple people very freeing. Usually she just hooks up with people or has more casual relationships with other people. But recently she's met a new guy that she really likes. And I'm happy for her. She's admitted he probably isn't a long term thing, but she enjoys his company a lot. My problem is that she is spending a lot more time with him than she is with me. We haven't gone on a date in a couple weeks, despite my asking, but she saw him 4 days last week, and even cancelled our plans to see him. I get that she's probably in a honeymoon phase kinda thing with him, but it still hurts a little. I'd like her to myself a little more.

How do I ask her to spend more time with me without seeming jealous or like I don't like him?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
So you are fine with whoever else she dates. The problem is her making regular time/space to date YOU.

I'm not sure how you know that she's been on 4 dates with New Guy. But your problem is not him. She could have been golfing, out with friends, or whatever with her time.

Could keep it simple and make your request. Don't even bring him up. Something like...

"GF, I miss you and I need some regular time and connection with you. We haven't gone on a date in a couple weeks. Could you please be willing to set a regular date time on the calendar with me like every 2nd Friday? Or at least set a regular check in time like 1st of the month is when we get the dates for the month scheduled if they are going to move around and not always be the same night? Then I can know when my times with you are and can do my own time management better."

That's a reasonable and rational request. You can't date someone and not do calendar.
  • She either willing and able right then and says "Yes, how about ___ dates? Do those work for you? "
  • Or she is willing but not able right then and says "No, I can't schedule right now. Let's meet on ___ to schedule and pin dates down better."
  • Or this relationship has run its course and she says "No, I think this relationship has run its course." Or you do.
If you are both looking for a casual relationship where you both date others and get together here and there? Great. Still have to find a way to schedule when the "here and there" happens.

If you were wanting something more regular than that and she cannot provide it? Then you need to have a conversation.

She's in charge of her time management. You are in charge of yours. If she's not spending enough time with you to make it worth your while? Not being responsive enough? She's just not.

And if you don't want to spend you time just waiting hanging out on a limb? You just don't.

Not every relationship that is initially compatible moves on to deeply compatible.

I suggest you have the conversations you need to be having.

Galagirl
 
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Gabe

New member
I mean, we're in pretty constant contact. I know she hung out with him a lot last week because she told me she did. We have a deep connection, and are a bit more than casual. We love each other deeply and have expressed a want for this to work long term. Hence my being sad at not seeing her.
 

Evie

Mod
You're missing the point. Do not conflate "pretty constant contact & deep connection" with actual date time. You have told us you need in person date time. You have been told how to do this non confrontationally. Now go do it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
To me this is three separate things.

I mean, we're in pretty constant contact.

Constant contact like what? Text? Email? Calls? Cuz that's not in person time. Not even calendar time from the sound of it. And is being in constant contact balanced living or just adding to your ugh because it just reminds you of how you aren't together in person?

If it were me? I'd be willing drop some of the "in constant contact time" because that's too much time on that. (Email, text, phone, whatever.)

And better balance it out with with some "in person time" and some "alone on my own time."

I know she hung out with him a lot last week because she told me she did.

Do you WANT to know that stuff? How much or how little stuff is enough? Have you had the conversation with your GF about info management?

Some things you need to know. Like things that pertain to sex health hygiene.

Other stuff is optional / you might not care to know. Does your GF pause to ask if you want to know? Obtains your consent? Or just starts gushing poly random at you? Just cuz you are a partner doesn't mean you have to be up for everything ALL the time.

If it was me? I would not mind hearing small stuff like "Oh, I went to a restaurant with New Guy, and had the yummy decadence cake. I think we could go try that together sometime because I know you love chocolate. Is that something you want to do or do you want to do something else for dinner?" That's fine. Brief mention, our time together is mainly about me+ her.

If it's going on and on about New Guy? Like "Oh, I went to a restaurant with New Guy, and had the yummy cake. New Guy thinks they have the best cake ever! New Guy said that their open mic music was awesome. New Guy thinks that we should try it again on Trivia Night."

I'm not the one dating New Guy. Why would I care? My time with GF is supposed to be about (me + GF), not my time with GF is about (her telling me stories about this other dude.) I would find GF doing that kind of info gushing behavior at me pretty annoying.

We have a deep connection, and are a bit more than casual. We love each other deeply and have expressed a want for this to work long term. Hence my being sad at not seeing her.

You could talk to her about seeing her more regularly on the calendar then. So you can stop feeling sad that you aren't seeing her much.

Or maybe it is a mix? Sad you aren't seeing her as often? Plus coming off the NRE lalas with her? NRE lasts about 6 - 24 mos. So at 9 mos in or so... your NRE lalas might be fading. Those pink cloud lalas can give you something like a "high" from all the brain chemistry going on. So when that phase is done you might experience something like withdrawal.

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

Galagirl
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
We love each other deeply and have expressed a want for this to work long term. Hence my being sad at not seeing her.
Are you sad because you're not seeing her or are you sad because she is choosing to spend time with another guy? If she were away on a work assignment, would you be as gutted? Likely not.

It's important for you to be honest with yourself about whether you want this kind of relationship. I understand that you want her, but do you want to have a deep, intimate, long term relationship that is emotionally open? Is this premise fulfilling for you?
 

Gabe

New member
Are you sad because you're not seeing her or are you sad because she is choosing to spend time with another guy? If she were away on a work assignment, would you be as gutted? Likely not.

It's important for you to be honest with yourself about whether you want this kind of relationship. I understand that you want her, but do you want to have a deep, intimate, long term relationship that is emotionally open? Is this premise fulfilling for you?
I'm feeling sad about not seeing her. I had to quarantine for a couple weeks because someone in my house got covid, and I was deeply sad that I couldn't see her. If she went away on a trip, I'd also miss her.

To me this is three separate things.



Constant contact like what? Text? Email? Calls? Cuz that's not in person time. Not even calendar time from the sound of it. And is being in constant contact balanced living or just adding to your ugh because it just reminds you of how you aren't together in person?

If it were me? I'd be willing drop some of the "in constant contact time" because that's too much time on that. (Email, text, phone, whatever.)

And better balance it out with with some "in person time" and some "alone on my own time."



Do you WANT to know that stuff? How much or how little stuff is enough? Have you had the conversation with your GF about info management?

Some things you need to know. Like things that pertain to sex health hygiene.

Other stuff is optional / you might not care to know. Does your GF pause to ask if you want to know? Obtains your consent? Or just starts gushing poly random at you? Just cuz you are a partner doesn't mean you have to be up for everything ALL the time.

If it was me? I would not mind hearing small stuff like "Oh, I went to a restaurant with New Guy, and had the yummy decadence cake. I think we could go try that together sometime because I know you love chocolate. Is that something you want to do or do you want to do something else for dinner?" That's fine. Brief mention, our time together is mainly about me+ her.

If it's going on and on about New Guy? Like "Oh, I went to a restaurant with New Guy, and had the yummy cake. New Guy thinks they have the best cake ever! New Guy said that their open mic music was awesome. New Guy thinks that we should try it again on Trivia Night."

I'm not the one dating New Guy. Why would I care? My time with GF is supposed to be about (me + GF), not my time with GF is about (her telling me stories about this other dude.) I would find GF doing that kind of info gushing behavior at me pretty annoying.



You could talk to her about seeing her more regularly on the calendar then. So you can stop feeling sad that you aren't seeing her much.

Or maybe it is a mix? Sad you aren't seeing her as often? Plus coming off the NRE lalas with her? NRE lasts about 6 - 24 mos. So at 9 mos in or so... your NRE lalas might be fading. Those pink cloud lalas can give you something like a "high" from all the brain chemistry going on. So when that phase is done you might experience something like withdrawal.

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

Galagirl
We text a fair amount throughout the day, is what I mean.

I don't mind her talking about her other relationships. She doesn't gush about him as much, but she'll mention him in passing: "Oh I'm meeting new guy for drinks later" or "oh yeah I got this bruise from new guy's dog yesterday", or she'll tell me something that happened, but I wouldn't say that she gushes about him.

I'll talk to her about seeing her more "on calendar", as you say. Her schedule is kind of all over the place, but I'll try. I know if I communicate the need with her, she'll try and accommodate me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Gabe,

It sounds like you have a really close and special relationship with your girlfriend, and so it makes sense that you would feel sad about not seeing her. I think you should tell her that you want and need to see her more, do not mention her other boyfriend or how much time she spends with him, let her figure that part out. You just let her know about your own wants and needs. Do you need to get together with her (in person) once a week? twice a week? more? Maybe ask her to set aside specific days each week (say, Mondays and Fridays) to see you, and let her figure out how and where to get the time she wants with her other boyfriend.

I'm really sorry you are hurting, it is clear that this is hard for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'll talk to her about seeing her more "on calendar", as you say. Her schedule is kind of all over the place, but I'll try. I know if I communicate the need with her, she'll try and accommodate me.

If you know that, then simply speak up.

I hope the conversation goes well and you get clearer on calendar.

GL!
Galagirl
 

Marcus

Well-known member
How do I ask her to spend more time with me without seeming jealous or like I don't like him?

If you want to spend time with someone, invite them to do something with you (something specific). I personally recommend against the "let's talk about our relationship. I'm feeling neglected and I want you to spend more time with me" conversation. I know it sounds like good communication, but in my opinion that is just applying pressure to my partner, and I risk any change they make in adjusting their time is due to feeling bad, not because that's what they want to do.

My partners are spending time the way they want to spend their time. If someone isn't playing with me as much as they used to because they've got something else going on in their lives, that's just reality. If my hope is that I can get some more of their time then I need to speak up and say "hey I am wanting to go out to the Indian place down the street, want to join me some evening this week?"

Approaching it this way is just me expressing my desire to spend time with them. The other way tells them they've done something wrong and they need to stop doing what they are doing to suit me.
 
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