Please help-- feeling so insecure

Sorry for all the typos I am on my phone.
 
Thank you for sharing that. I have nothing new to add, other than seeing how you both want this. Get out there and get it for yourself too! Ok, maybe that is naive of me to say, but I really have little advice. There are many more experienced people in this area.
 
Hang in there! I am struggling with insecurity also. I posted a thread here about 6 weeks ago. Since then, I became a bit more confident (not because of posting, though). I really was on a roll last week, then I flopped this Monday morning and became very insecure. This time I told her about it.

I think that you should have the talk with him, as the others have recommended. I didn't read the whole thread. Maybe you did have that talk.
 
Watching this thread...

I'm feeling like total crap because of many of the same types of thoughts, and my husband has not even done anything yet with a new partner. The person he saw who made him want to be polyamorous is 16 years younger than me and so beautiful, like a movie star. I, on the other hand, am average looking (and that's being generous) and, obviously, 16 years older. It made me sick for many weeks and triggered all my issues from past traumas. I have to know how to handle this stuff so that I can deal with it when he actually acts on these feelings/needs. My husband says that if I brought up that I wanted to be with someone younger, he wouldn't care in any way. That makes it even worse! :(
 
The women in my age bracket -- 50s, you guys, 50s -- tend to have the faces of individuals, instead of faces off Breck's hair-products bottles. No offense, young pretty things, but a mature woman can have a face like a cathedral: the architecture is clear and beautiful, there are shadows, mystery, humor and strength. I LOVE them!

Anyway. Now you know what a filthy pervert I am, sneaking around on OKCupid looking at old people. Well, to you they're old people. ;)

I feel like we are parents to our children, and that's all. I am feeling so lost. What if this is a way to escape from what we do not have?
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Oh. That first part hurts. The second part has some hope, though. Think carefully about how a poly marriage would help you escape. How will you channel love back into your marriage and not drain love away from it?

I don't have any pragmatic answers, incidentally.

It's awfully easy to imagine the secondary only as competition. How can you imagine it so she's a support -- another pillar, someone to trust and care about, and who will care about you?

I know how to do that as a secondary. It's natural to my personality type and my ethical understanding to support and care for the primary relationship. But I have no clue about how a primary couple goes about creating or finding a secondary relationship which will provide that constructive influence.
 
Well, for an update, my husband told me she is too young and acts it. He said that he gets along so much better with me. There is really no interest. He found her to be rather boring. They didn't have much to talk about, as she just hasn't experienced as much as us. Plus he told me how much he realizes we are best friends, and he actually missed me the whole time.

I respected his time with her and didn't call or text him. He said all he wanted was to text and call me.

Krazykitty, try not worry. I worried myself sick about it, and then nothing even really happened. Remember, nothing can replace YOU, ever.

I think the best thing that I did was talk to someone here about it and get advice from other people. I read some great articles, and in the meantime spent some time with myself, just loving myself.

Everyone here has such great advice. I love how I can come here and vent, and then get all these great responses and advice from people who know the ropes.

Thank you so much, everyone. :D
 
tinylove said:
They didn't have much to talk about as she just hasn't experienced as much as us.

He realizes we are best friends, he actually missed me the whole time.

I respected his time with her and didn't call or text him... all he wanted to do was text and call me.

I worried myself sick about it and then nothing even really happened. Remember, nothing can replace YOU ever.

I think the best thing I did was talk to someone here about it and get advice from other people. I read some great articles, and in the meantime spent some time with myself, just loving myself.

Everyone here has such great advice. I love how I can come here and vent, and then get all these great responses and advice from people who know the ropes.
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Well, there you go. This is what my experience is. Even with the most enlightened younger people I find I just get bored. They seem like a blank slate to me, rather than rich and full in their lives. Anything more than about 5-7 years younger than me, and that is how I end up feeling.

Recently, I said to someone who was 22 that this time of their life is for going out and experiencing the world-- sometimes having good times that alter who they are in a positive way, and sometimes creating the baggage that my age group is left to deal with and become enlightened from later in life. Sure, a 22-year old can be enlightened, and that is a wondrous and lovely thing, but it isn't the same as someone who has lived and wallowed in their shit for numerous years and comes out of it shining and rich. It's hard to explain. I'm still mulling it over.

Of course, I am finding reasons to be happy with my age. I don't mean to sound like I don't respect those that are younger. Just as someone who is younger would find reasons to to be happy with their age, reasons to understand how they fit, so to speak. I thought I better clarify that.

Now, don't get me wrong. It is fun to hang out with younger people with common interests, but beyond that, I just can't seem to find any long-term good reason to be partnered with younger people. I know that people do. I just can't seem to find it for myself. Not that I am avidly looking. I'm just interested in this, in me.

Some wonder why I should have a long-term goal, but really, when it comes to partners, I do. Full stop. That is the aim, although a ride along the way is fine, too. I am intrigued by the age thing lately. Thanks for this thread.

I'm glad that you came to a sense of self-love and realized your worth, tinylove. So inspiring! :)
 
Thanks Redpepper I am trying to look at myself as a work in progress.

Now, don't get me wrong, it is fun to hang our with younger people and be friends with common interests, but beyond that I just can't seem to find any long term good reason to be partnered with younger people. I know that people do, I just can't seem to find it for myself. Not that I am avidly looking, just interested in this, in me.
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This is basically what my husband said. I think it helped him more than me to realize just what he is looking for, and then looking at what he wants for us. We talked a lot last night about it and amazingly it has brought us closer than ever.

I found it amazing how my feeling, thoughts, and insecurities overwhelmed me completely, to the point where I was feeling sick to my stomach every single day. Thinking some pretty irrational thoughts and thinking they would come true.

I am glad that I can look at those thoughts now and realize them for what they are-- mostly thoughts, and not really facts.
 
Well, I am in a relationship with an "older" woman and a "younger" woman, and I have to say that both have their unique charms.

That having been said, the "older" woman has a youthfulness, humour and energy to her that I find immensely appealing, and the "younger" one has an emotional maturity to her in terms of her core values that mean that our relationship is meaningful. Before I met her I never ever thought that I could have a relationship with someone that much younger than me, and was concerned that "getting old" would mean that we became staid and boring. I have chosen well (or been lucky, depending on your outlook).

Neither is better - they both have their wonderfully unique charms and I wouldn't swap one for the other for all the tea in China.
 
I don't know what I think about age.

I'm 11 years younger than my husband and 8 years older than most of my friends, who are mostly in university "the first time around" (whereas I'm on Round 2.) I'm 11 years older than my step-daughter. Those 3 years difference sure make a huge difference between her and my friends, or maybe it's just that I've "clicked" better with friends who are mature for their age.

One thing that always makes me laugh is when someone insists they are mature for their age. I've never met someone who claimed this for which it was actually true. One girl I met at Pride last year refused to tell me her age, insisting that it would change the way I thought of her. I'm bad at guessing age, so I didn't even try. She told me she was mature for her age. Meanwhile, the only reason she ever called me was to ask me to come drive her somewhere. Sure enough, she eventually told me she was only 16. I never figured out where the mature part was supposed to fit in. I never saw it.

My husband is dying to go back to college. He's quite honest about the reason: so many pretty young girls in tight jeans. :p He likes to look at them. But he's no idiot. He knows that these girls are not remotely able to provide for him the things that I can: stability, someone who cleans up after herself, knows how to do laundry, and even cooks once in a while.

I would never worry about being replaced by a younger model. We're not cars, and if we've married someone with half a brain, they'll know what they have. It's fun to have flings with younger women, and there may even be some love that develops, but I don't think it could ever replace something established, comfortable, timeless...
 
Besides, 22 and 27 are BOTH "young".

I have to say I get a kick out of people in their 20's referring to other people in their 20's as "older" or "younger" than each other. And at the risk of sounding even MORE condescending and patronizing (but in a GOOD way, I swear! :D ), I used to do the same thing when I was in my 20's!
 
Yes...with age comes, mostly, age. Oh, and wrinkles.

Last fall I went to a Gogol Bordello concert with a woman half my age (no older people wanted to go -- one woman looked at a GB clip on YouTube and said, "That band is crazy! I'd be more comfortable with Aerosmith.")

Anyway, the young woman was 27 and has a divorce and an upside-down mortgage and all that mature stuff. We talked a lot but really I'm a concerned older friend and not a potential romance. I can't help it. She's a brave, smart young woman and I'm happy that her life is going better now.

But I can imagine meeting someone considerably younger and being romantically attracted. Maybe not a 27-year difference, though. That's a lot.
 
YGirl said:
Besides, 22 and 27 are BOTH "young".

I have to say I get a kick out of people in their 20's referring to other people in their 20's as "older" or "younger" than each other. And at the risk of sounding even MORE condescending and patronizing (but in a GOOD way, I swear! :D ), I used to do the same thing when I was in my 20's!
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I think a lot of it for me is I feel older than 27 since I was married at 16. So even though I know I am young I guess I feel older. I have been through so much enough to fill a whole lifetime.
 
tinylove said:
I think a lot of it for me is I feel older than 27 since I was married at 16. So even though I know I am young I guess I feel older. I have been through so much enough to fill a whole lifetime.
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I know that feeling. It took a long time to feel like GG and I were on the same playing field. He's only a year younger than me, turned 34 today, in fact. But when we met, he was 16 going on 17. I had just turned 18. He'd never been on a date. I had a 2-year old! He still lived at home. I'd been on my own since 14. He quit school in 8th grade. I had graduated and started college classes.

It really did make a huge difference and it took years before we seemed to be on the same page age-wise. Now we do. Well, I feel that way. I don't think he always does.

At the same time, I'm only 35. Yes, I wrote only. While I can look back on my 20s and remember thinking, "OMG, that person is sooooooo young," there are times now that I look at some other people's lives and think, "OMG, I am glad so I'm still so young!"
 
YGirl said:
Besides, 22 and 27 are BOTH "young".

I have to say I get a kick out of people in their 20's referring to other people in their 20's as "older" or "younger" than each other. And at the risk of sounding even MORE condescending and patronizing (but in a GOOD way, I swear! :D ), I used to do the same thing when I was in my 20's!
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Yeah, I'm not even 30 yet, but I do the same thing with teenagers-- laugh my ass off when a 14-year-old calls a 16-year-old "old."

I don't feel old. I just think I feel old because I'm married, have a mortgage, and a degree, even though I'm back at school. But no one at school ever realizes I'm 28. They think I'm the same age as them, about 20. And I guess that reinforces your point, that there's not much difference between 20 and 28. Certainly not as much difference as between 10 and 18, or newborn and 8 years old. But still more difference than between 30 and 38, I think.

Actually, what makes me feel old the most is having a husband who will be 40 next year. Now THAT'S old. :p


It reminds me of how when I was little, I used to ask my mom what it was like in the olden days, convinced that they used horses and buggies and oil lamps when she was a kid. :ROFLMAO: For some reason, she found that offensive. :p
 
Women aren't the only ones that struggle with old. In my world and likely perspective I feel old. At 35, I see 10 years with a wonderful woman, but I feel like I have wasted some of it doing nothing. I look around and see teenagers/twenty-somethings, and can't help but think I am running out of time to have fun.

The ridiculous idea that I have stated is even funnier when I look around and see all the fun older people who are out there enjoying life in this town. I just feel I can't relate to either party.

YGirl said:
My husband's wife is going to be 40 at the end of this year. Does that mean I have to feel "old"?
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Age by proxied proxy?
 
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You know, Ariakas, that is true. Maca ALWAYS struggles with feeling old, especially at birthday time.

I, on the other hand, had my birthday in March (turned 35) and was thrilled. I don't feel old; I feel damn accomplished. When I turned 35 I was thinking, "Holy shit, I made it!"

At 16, when I had my daughter, I was thinking, "OMG, will I live long enough to raise this kid?" My life was a wreck. I was a freaking wreck. But I got my head out of my ass (pretty much overnight) and put my working clothes on and worked my ass off.

She turned 18 in September. I turned 35 in March. Both events resulted in "Damn, I didn't think I could make it!" followed shortly thereafter by, "And I can't fucking believe I did such an amazingly good job!"

I look at my youngest (2 1/2) and think, "Shit, I did such a freaking awesome job with the oldest. I can do this." I have so much more knowledge under my belt, so much more experience, so much more confidence.

It seems like I'm finally living up to my potential. Is that odd?
 
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