Please tell me things will get better. I need to hear it.


New member
Whoa. I left for awhile to clear my head and what a response to come back to.

If you think that that I was trying to control her, then either I wrote things poorly or you missed the point of what I was saying.

It was never my intention to control her. Nor did I do it in practice. I enabled her in every way possible. When I expressed my need to be monogamous I was stating what I needed for me. If you think me stating my needs is abuse, then you're just flat wrong. She could always make up her own mind...and guess the end she did. Audrey had...and still has no bigger cheerleader than me.

I'm betting part of people going off the deep end has to do with gender. Which is unfortunate. I'm not saying that I did everything right, nor that I don't deserve some responsibility, but you people went off on me in a way I don't deserve.

Oddly, there was a post right below this one where you answered with kindness and compassion. Pretty much asking for the same thing...sympathy for someone who lost a LTR out of the blue with no control over it. Shame you couldn't have been nice about it with me.

I haven't read any of the responses once I saw the attacks. I will come back when I'm mentally fit to digest them. For those that did post something nice, I appreciate it.

And yes, I am having bad thoughts. I don't say that for sympathy. I say it because typing it reminds me of how bad it would be to follow through. Somehow seeing it does that for me.

Go back to attacking me if you want. Have a great day.


Well-known member
And yes, I am having bad thoughts. I don't say that for sympathy. I say it because typing it reminds me of how bad it would be to follow through. Somehow seeing it does that for me.

I hope you consider talking to someone about the bad thoughts as first priority. Whether a hotline, making a primary care doc appt, going to ER to check yourself in if you feel suicidal, making a counseling appointment, etc.

I hope things do get better for you mentally, and when you are more able you choose to reconsider your dating style and boundaries.

I enabled her in every way possible.

That's not the positive kind of "enabling" if she lists "losing her sense of self" as one of her reasons for ending her participation in the relationship. Sounds like the negative kind. :(

When you are in a better frame of mind, maybe that's one of the things you can sort out with a counselor. Where the line between "supportive and encouraging" and "enabling and engulfing" might be and how you could help your next dating experience go better.

Again, I do hope things improve for you in the fullness of time.

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New member
I hear what you're saying Gala, but when I say enabled...I should have chosen another word. That term has a specific psychological connotation.

What I meant to say was that whatever she wanted to do...I supported. She wasn't working. I encouraged her to get a job. She hadn't gotten her GED. I told her I wouldn't mind helping her find the classes and studying with her if she wanted. Is that abuse?

I realize it was the back and forth from poly to mono to poly to mono that did it. Despite what some of you want to think in order to demonize me (someone said I deserve abuse? wow! that's healthy)...I didn't just make the switch lightly. And I didn't MAKE her do anything. I simply related what I needed and she was able to choose what she wanted on her own. I was trying to reconcile my mono nature with her polyness. Translation...I was trying to live things HER way. Fuck me if I tried and failed. I tried to be poly for her...not just for myself...and it didn't work for me.

But sure. I'm the asshole of the year. Lump all your hatred of assholes on me because it makes you feel better.


New member
If I'm living in someone's house, and they're paying the rent, and being my transportation, etc., when they tell me that they need to be monogamous, it *isn't* just a statement of their own needs. Because I could wind up homeless and stranded.

Relationships with financial dependence on them require careful handling for that reason.

You told Audrey - when she was in the middle of a date that you had initially driven her to - that you weren't comfortable being poly anymore. The timing on that was badly thought out. I'm not going to call it abusive, but I am going to say that it was unkind, and must have been both frustrating and confusing. And, yes, controlling. Because you had the car keys.

You say that you were trying to reconcile your mono nature with Audrey's poly-ness. Your mono nature doesn't seem to have been a consideration when you slept with Rachel. Which you did at a time when Audrey had agreed to be monogamous at your request.

You had a mess of a relationship and you are dodging all responsibility for the mess. I don't have a lot of sympathy available for that.


New member
See that's where you're not understanding. And you can chalk that up to my bad writing AND people jumping to conclusions.

When I was poly...Audrey was too. I wasn't keeping the poly for myself and holding her to a mono standard. Holy hell. If that's the way the story sounded then no wonder people are reading me the riot act. But that's not how it was. For fuck's sake.


New member
It sure does sound from your writing like you didn't always send Audrey a memo when you flipped the mono-poly switch. To the extent that you appear to say that you left her thinking you were poly when you thought the two of you were monogamous.

And you did absolutely claim that you informed AUdrey you wanted to go back to being monogamous when she stopped by to get clean clothes in the middle of a date. That is very bad timing.


New member
To your point of me having the car keys...and the financial control....

Again, my bad storytelling and jumping to conclusions. I didn't give her an ultimatum on the way to the meeting. I was home and she came home to spend the night during the period while the guy was visiting.

And that's another point that you all didn't have before you attacked me. I would never tell her she couldn't go somewhere that she wanted to go. She has VERY protective family who came over all the time and drove her wherever she wanted to go. Family that still loves me to death and is even helping with some of my issues, despite the breakup.

I happen to do family law and I know the kind of person you're talking about ...but that wasn't me.

It would have been nice if people would have asked me some questions about their concerns...instead of jumping to conclusions.

That's what I get for trying to get advice and sympathy from strangers on a forum board. I have no clue why I care that you're attacking me. Damn.
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New member
Oh, that one's easy - you care what we say because you care what people think of you. Even if you could ordinarily write off the opinions of strangers, you might be having a rougher than average time so close to a breakup. At the moment, and for this entire thread, actually, your writing has been hugely interested in defending your ego and identity, which is one reason why it's not incredibly accurate.

We all have those days.

But you aren't being accurate, and as a lawyer (even one without a current license), you should be able to spot that. You are not bringing all your skills to the table right now. This is not your best foot forward, no matter how much you might want it to be.

My experience with the internet is that no one's life gets better if all they ever get is boundless approval and imaginary hugs. So what's your plan for getting the water turned back on?


New member
Tough love. I get it.

Well, I've come to the realization that I've been lying to myself about needing to get another job. Right now I work 2 days a week for a lawyer who pays me $100 a day. I was also renting out a room in my house, but that's no longer an option with the water.

I was kidding myself thinking that if I just held on a little longer...that I'd work out all the issues with my license. That IS in the works...I've put in a petition and I'm waiting to hear back. But I haven't been given a timeframe for that.

But I've just been thinking...just hold out a little longer...and it'll be ok. You'll get your license back and the money stuff will work out. Unfortunately, I don't think I can suffer under that delusion any more.

I met with a gentleman from a local church (I'm an atheist, but I'll don't mind the help) who helps people with their resumes and helps them network for jobs. I'm working on my resume and will have it to him within a day or two.

I used to bartend in college, so I might try and find a job doing that. But at least for me, that's not a career.

I've been so depressed and overwhelmed at the amount of work and cleaning I need to do on the house that I haven't done it. I don't have the money for my meds (adderall) so that's contributing too. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. To be fair to myself, Audrey contributed to this huge mess and then failed for months to help. When she moved out, I was the one who organized all her stuff....put it down in the living room.....made it really easy on her....and even toted it out to the car. Not asking for a cookie...just showing that I'm not the monster some made me out to be.

I know I should just start with little steps. I'm trying, but I need to kick it up a notch.


I only read your blog partway through Vanquish and to me it seems like the way you have been dealing with your family house is emblematic of your way of trying to cope with life. You have feelings and fantasies in which you are in charge and the caretaker when really you can't be. You hold on to the fantasies at the expense of your own well being and the well being of those around you as you hold onto the house which seems to be impractical and ties you to a place you cannot be self supporting.

I hope you do contact your county mental health service, get on meds that work for you, and get counseling. You made it through law school so you must have brains and some determination, aim those at being your own provider and caretaker. Things will get better.

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Well-known member
Vanquish, things can hardly be worse, so there is a pretty good chance that they will get better :)
As Galagirl and others have said, please get help.

Thanks to those reading the blog and softening the original bad impression.


New member
Yes, I show love by doing that when I can, but this whole control thing is out of left field. I find the commentary about fantasies very insulting. Which I suppose you feel is ok because of how you've judged me because of the story I've told.

There are no fantasies going on. All I want is someone fun, attractive, and devoted to me. I'm not going to find anyone like that until I fix all of my own issues first, of course.

What hurt was that I was being supportive and then out of the blue she decided to do all the things I'd been encouraging her to do...but claiming I was hindering it.


New member
Thanks for those who are now being kind. I don't expect yesmen. Or to be told I'm 100% correct. Just needed some sympathy.

I wish everyone, including the ones who attacked me, well.


Active member
We are not attacking you. That isn't allowed here and I've even issued some infractions and deleted some wording from posts that came off as ad hominem attacks toward you. Yes, the rest of what is here in this thread is strongly worded, and Emm has asked for everyone to watch their tone from here on, but the feedback you got should be read and digested -- because it is valuable. So, why not stop feeling sorry for yourself enough to be open to comments that aren't "nice."

The majority of posts here are gut reactions to what you wrote, which is offensive to polyamorists for many reasons. You wrote about changing from poly to mono as soon as Audrey showed interest in someone else, and then going back on your word to be mono when you fucked Rachel. You seem to consistently want to eat your cake and hold onto it too. Then you changed your mind about poly again when Audrey obviously wanted to be involved with Anthony. Yes, she cheated , but didn't you cheat with Rachel as well? Your words came across like you did. I am sure some of us would like to know, did you discuss going back to polyamory and obtain consent from Audrey before you took Rachel up on her offer of dates and sex? Or did you do it and then inform Audrey?

And yes, I remembered your blog thread and re-read it, and it's full of condescension, paternalism, and manipulation with the lovers you've written about. You even mention not coming clean to your roommates about problems you've had paying the bills. You are dishonest with others and yourself, and seem to live in a fantasy world where you add value to your lovers' lives but, from the way it looks in your posts, you create more mischief, drama, and pain, than good. Your posts are very self-centered in tone.

I think you would benefit from selling your house and getting into some serious therapy. I sincerely hope things turn around and get better for you, but it is going to take looking at yourself and your behaviors (without judging for or against), and staying present to see clearly the situations you create and your attitudes, so you can move forward in an honest and real way. It's going to take a lot of work on yourself.
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someone asked once "all this time, weeding, gardening, encouraging growth, and you go and bloom with someone else??" Sometimes, we're with people because they can help us grow, there's no promise they'll stay with us when we bloom, nor any promise we'll still want them once we do.

Take a good look at your patterns: are you the gardener? The collector as other's in this thread imply? Or do you look for a garden to walk through, fully developed?

Just thoughts~

All the best


Active member
As others have said, counseling is the most important thing. I am wondering how in the world you lost your license. During the course of your blog (which I read consistently, BTW), it seemed as if you had subsumed the rest of your life for the sake of your relationship, doing everything you could to keep her with you. That is not how a healthy relationship works. It is not a surprise that your career and finances suffered.

While I am aware that the two of you had a modified Daddy/Baby Girl relationship, being with someone who is THAT far from your own age and life experiences is an hard row to hoe. Maybe you didn't feel you were being overtly controlling, but you were still the one who had most of the power in your relationship. The only power SHE had was in staying or going. As for what she was getting out of the relationship, I wouldn't hazard a guess, but it doesn't seem (as evidenced by her lack of getting a GED or a regular job, or even cleaning the house), that she was very motivated to contribute to your shared life. Hard, hard lesson to learn, but I DO hope you learn from it.


After reading this thread, I'm still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor. As a mono, I know what it's like to appear selfish & controlling towards others. I don't fault you for struggling with poly. When my wife revealed it to me, I had an extremely difficult time with the thought of it, and it took me over a year before I felt at peace enough with myself, to consider myself even partially healed from the ordeal.

However, the first thing that was obvious, (and this goes with EVERY situation life has to offer) is that I needed to work on making sure my own mental health was taken care of. You can't bring positivity into someone else's life, if you can't even bring it into your own. I'd honestly suggest that you get your own house in order before even considering inviting anyone else over (metaphorically speaking). Get therapy, work on your career, and improve your living conditions. Then, maybe, it could be time to consider relationship(s). You're in an unenviable position, but the truth is, that no one can improve it but YOU.


Well-known member
I hear what you're saying Gala, but when I say enabled...I should have chosen another word. That term has a specific psychological connotation.

What I meant to say was that whatever she wanted to do...I supported. She wasn't working. I encouraged her to get a job. She hadn't gotten her GED. I told her I wouldn't mind helping her find the classes and studying with her if she wanted. Is that abuse?

I could be wrong... but I think this is you SELF HARMING YOU if you chronically are stretching yourself too thin, are doing her jobs FOR her, are throwing yourself under the bus hoping to be appreciated for the "sacrifice" and are waiting around hoping she will get some gumption and get her life together. You cannot be living your with your own life "on pause" while dancing attendance on hers. Don't self neglect.

You seem conflict avoidant and/or very passive about how you lead your life. That "floating along just hoping for the best" way of going doesn't sound like it serves you well if there is no action to accompany it.

I think you could have been more assertive and kindly but firmly said "Look, I cannot afford to carry you as a roomie. You have to move back home. I need a paying roomie, not a dependent. We could still date, but this financial situation is sucking me under and that's not healthy for either of us." Don't float along hoping for something to arrive... take steps to CREATE what you need to happen.

You kinda describe some of that "floating along" thing here along with lack of self honesty:

I've come to the realization that I've been lying to myself about needing to get another job.

I was kidding myself thinking that if I just held on a little longer...that I'd work out all the issues with my license.

But I've just been thinking...just hold out a little longer...and it'll be ok. You'll get your license back and the money stuff will work out. Unfortunately, I don't think I can suffer under that delusion any more.

I hope you are able to be more honest with yourself moving forward.

I am glad to see you are taking more tangible steps to help yourself.
  • Like seeking help with your resume from the Church person.
  • Keep following up on the law thing.
  • Considering a bartendending job in the meanwhile to help patch gaps.
  • Hopefully with a temp job you can eventually you can afford to solve the water problem which will open up renting the extra space again.
  • Cleaning the house and getting her stuff out of there. Not because it is convenient for her, but because it is healthier for YOU to not have this stuff lingering.

One step at a time. But concrete ACTION. That's good and helps keep you better grounded. Much better than lying to yourself.

I am also glad to hear you say this.

All I want is someone fun, attractive, and devoted to me. I'm not going to find anyone like that until I fix all of my own issues first, of course.

Please focus on working on yourself and your issues first. So you are more stable -- in money, home, emotions, and so on. Break ups are rough, but they don't have to be the end of the world. Sometimes they are a good wake up call to get back on on a healthier track.

I also encourage you to think about RAISING your personal standard for a dating partner.

It is not enough for them to be "fun, attractive and devoted to you." You sound like you want someone who holds a job, and is responsible, and will pull their weight. Someone who is healthy for you to be with. Perhaps without anxiety or other health concerns since you deal with your own health things.

Something to think about in the future. But for now... focus on working on YOU.

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Active member
Once upon a time, I noticed this lump on my rib, towards the back. (Bear with me, there is a point.) It was big and weird and scary. I looked on Google and read about the prognosis for cancers of that area. Cancer is prevalent in my family. I was SCARED. I kind of didn't want to know. Surgery? Radiation? Chemo? With still a big likelihood I'd die in pain? I was paralyzed with terror about it. I knew I should take the step of asking my doctor to have a look, but I was SCARED OF THIS.

Right properly freaked out.

I was, at the time, a regular poster at a forum with many subforums on many topics. One of them, I can't remember but I'm pretty sure it was cancer specific...I posted, described my problem and my fears, and asked for do you psych yourself up to go get checked. I've been avoiding it. I'm afraid.

(I hope anyone can see that delaying, for months, going to the doctor about something that could be cancer, is pretty stupid and unhealthy, yes?)

Well, the posters there LAID INTO ME. Viciously. Like, this thread is nothing, they tore me a new one for DARING to even show my face in their room, those who had suffered for months, those losing loved ones, and I'm scared to go get looked at? I was hurt. I recoiled, feeling very, " don't care...might as well just let it kill me!"

Still very much ruled by fear. In the end I did get it looked at and it wasn't a big deal. A lipoma, harmless.

But the point is...what would have been useful from those posters, would be the encouragement to be brave and go get it checked out, that even if it is cancer, it's better or worthwhile to start the treatments, that I owed it to myself to save my own life. I was reaching out from a low place, hoping for kind and encouraging words, and I got my head bitten off.

So, OP, I'm not going to bite your head off, though I'll cop to having some thoughts that others expressed when I read your initial post.

My advice to you is to see this as simply fact...the way things are right far as Audrey leaving you is concerned. She was part of your life, and now she has gone. Fault doesn't matter right now. Bargaining won't change the shape of things. Let her live her life. Let her go. It's time to focus on YOU, now, you standing on your own feet being your own man. There is no hole in you that needs a partner to fill it. And so long as you feel like there is, this means you have not healed. When you have healed, it won't feel that way. It is VERY obvious to everyone here that you've got some seriously unhealthy, even toxic, thought processes that are driving your behavior. For one thing, that makes it clear as day, there's the fact that when anyone suggests that there is a problem with you, you become very defensive and act like you're being attacked and condemned. Some of your actions and choices have led to bad outcomes. Yes, YOUR ACTIONS AND CHOICES played a part. Understand that you should seek out all the areas in which you have made a bad choice or action, eventually, and instead of punishing yourself for it, use it to learn and grow. That is how you walk an effective path. There is no point in punishment, as an adult, it's stupid. Stop it. Punishing yourself helps nothing, changes nothing, heals nothing. Taking the words of others as dings against your value, and beating yourself up helps nothing, and feeling attacked helps nothing.

I can give you encouragement. It is the truth that you CAN put your destiny on a course for a happier future. You and only you can do it. You are not less worthy or less capable, and no other person, no Audrey and no Rachel is the one to determine what you are worth. You're made of the same stuff as every other person, and humans can do pretty great stuff. Your ability to succeed or fail is in your mind, and only in your mind.

If you need some help getting your mind calibrated to put you on a better path, then seek that help, get the help it takes. But I agree with others in that trying to do relationships right now is not a good idea. Not with Audrey or anyone. Until you square yourself away, you're healthy and you've got the motivation to clean your house, do your work, see your own worth and live your own life...until that time, ANY relationship you try to do IS going to be doomed. But you totally have it within you, a slumbering giant of human potential, to turn it all around and make it all great.

Stop looking back and start looking forward. Best wishes.
OK, vanquish, anybody who has bothered to read right through this thread will be aware that I'm one of the people who most strongly criticised you. Perhaps #1. Even though your OP got me really mad, I tried to tone it down in my 2nd long comment after reading GalaGirl's compassionate post.

You write that everybody has got the wrong end of the stick, and that we're all jumping on you. That we're angry at you just because you didn't express yourself well. That we should ask you questions instead of jumping to conclusions.

Alright, I'm willing to listen. I'm willing to give you a fair hearing. But you're going to have to make a better attempt at explaining than you have been doing. Getting all defensive and repeating various versions of "Gee, I just can't understand why all you guys are picking on me!" (AND "Gee, I have no idea why Audrey and Rachel treated me like that!") is NOT going to hack it.

You say that you do family law. I gather that you used to have a licence to practice. So, my first questions: Did you ever defend a client in court? Or prosecute? Or did you specialise in giving legal advice in an office? These questions aren't posed in order to take a poke at whatever kind of practice you had. They are to lead up to the following point:

Surely, as a formerly practicing lawyer, you must be aware of the importance of words, the importance of making yourself absolutely clear. You think that WE have been rough on you? If you ever did courtroom law with the same lack of care for expressing yourself clearly as you have employed in this thread, opposing counsel would have ripped you to shreds. Believe me, I am NOT trying to be nasty here. I am trying to be as objective as possible. You can't present a slipshod case in court and then ask the opposing counsel, jury, and judge: "Any questions? Is there any detail about my case that you have doubts on?"

If your practice was giving legal advice in an office, there is no less need to be absolutely certain that you have given the best possible advice: that your client has a PERFECT understanding of what you've been trying to get across. In this case, you CAN ask them if they have any questions. But if you express yourself badly and your client gets the wrong end of the stick, but is convinced that they did understand you, it could, in some sad cases, literally destroy their life!

2nd important point: After people (myself included) attacked you, why do you continue to sidestep the issues that we brought up? If we really didn't understand you, why haven't you tried to make us understand, instead of saying basically: "Hey, Guys, cut me some slack here!"

OK, specific questions on your story. Things you maybe just didn't explain clearly. Here's your chance to do so:

1) When Anthony was staying at the "fleabag place", and Audrey came back to your place, don't you think it might have been kinder to everyone concerned to say "I can't handle this. I'm not fit for poly. Once this visit is over, I want us to sit down and talk about our relationship, but I love you and I find that I can't share you." ?

I'm asking. Anthony doesn't sound like he's rolling in dough, either. He had to save up (your own words) to make the trip to see Audrey, and could only afford to stay in a "fleabag place".

2) "Well she goes in to full convulsion mode and I tried to calm her down. There was some bargaining, but ultimately I stood firm" My questions: Does there need to be a full convulsion mode for you to bargain with her? Does "bargaining" mean talking around and around a subject until she stops convulsing and you can be firm, having known from the beginning that you weren't going to give an inch? That's not my idea of bargaining. I agree: that wasn't an objective question. It grew out of my predisposition to doubt your motives and your tactics. And, if we were in court, you'd be justified in calling out, "Objection, Your Honour!" So, let me withdraw the question. Let me ask this: Was part of the bargaining: "Listen, since Anthony has been saving up for so long for this special chance to see you, why don't you guys have a nice time. But we need to talk once his visit is over"?

3) Why in your OP, do you write "She comes back to get some clothes", and 2 hours ago, you change your story to "I was home and she came home to spend the night during the period while the guy was visiting." It's things like this that make people doubt that you're being 100% honest.

[And I want to repeat here an idea from an earlier of my posts: I ask myself whether you're being 100% honest with yourself.]

4) Knowing that Audrey is liable to full convulsion modes, why do you drop bombshells on her 20 minutes before you "had to go see a client about some money and couldn't stay"??? Not very caring, it seems to me.

5) When you told her that "I'm sorry, but this is how I feel. I can't be polyamorous any more. I can't face losing you"... weathered her full convulsion mode... bargained, were firm, then reached a "mutual agreement" [I have to add this: I don't know how many juries would credit a "mutual agreement" following so shortly on a full convulsion mode. Sorry, I want to be objective. But this really bugs me. Please explain clearly, so that I can understand.] to "try it for a year and see how it went being monogamous"... then "about 2 or 3 months passed"... OK, here comes my question: When all that happened, just WHO was it who asked for a return to a polyamorous basis for your relationship?

Was it Audrey, who had suffered so much from being "asked nicely" to give up Anthony? Were you being really caring, and agreeing to a style of relationship that really caused you to suffer, but you were agreeing because Audrey means that much to you? And then you found a consolation prize in Rachel?

Or was it you who asked for the one-year trial period to be cut short because you got the hots for Rachel?

I understand that you've been under stress: you've lost a relationship that really meant a lot to you. And this causes you some problems in explaining the situation as clearly as you'd like to. But your opening post
a) rather gave the impression to EVERYONE that read it that you went back to "polyamory" because you wanted to fuck Rachel, NOT because you were ceding to Audrey's wishes in the matter;
b) didn't make 100% clear whether you
i) discussed this important decision with Audrey before your "delicious" weekend of sex with Rachel;
ii) unilaterally announced a return to "polyamory" without discussion; or
iii) didn't even bother to let her know until the deed was done.

I could spend 3 more hours asking more questions, but I'll leave it at that.

vanquish, you ask us for understanding and sympathy. You're completely baffled by our aggressive replies.

In return, I ask you to understand just why we "jumped to the conclusions" that we did. I ask you to carefully read all the comments that people have spent energy and care making - with an open mind, not in a defensive, "everybody's out to get me" mode - AND your own, and be ruthlessly honest with YOURSELF. Then - if you wish - try to explain it all to us properly. You admit that you didn't do a very good job the first time around. So don't blame us for not understanding or not being sympathetic.

Some glimpses of honesty from your opening post:
This is going to make me sound like a dick
I can't be polyamorous any more.
Of course I had to fuck it up.
I'd said we'd go back to monogamy, but I didn't check in with her about it.
I can't wrap my head around it.
And one point where you weren't 100% honest:
She just went back to being poly...and never discussed it.
Considering that this comes immediately after
I'd said we'd go back to monogamy, but I didn't check in with her about it.
it would have been more honest to say
She just went back to being poly...and WE never discussed it.

I have battled with depression, myself, and I know that it can cloud your thinking. I know that it causes you to lie to yourself. I've been there, too.

I am sincere when I say that I'm willing to listen to you, to reconsider my old conclusions. But for me to do that, you've got to do a better job of presenting your side of the story. And that means being honest with yourself and owning up to where you fucked up.

I am also - the Deary knows! - sincere in hoping that you win your battle against depression and that things go better for you. Please seek the help you need.