Polite “no thank you”?

[MsEmotional]

I was just about to ask the same question. i.e. Why - if you're already poly-saturated with two partners, have a busy career and young children - would you keep up-to-date profiles on dating sites and apps and spend time chatting and flirting with people there?

Because I agree that it's tempting fate somewhat, or gives the wrong impression to others using those sites, that you're available and seeking additional partners. Which would be totally fine IF you wanted to pursue that at this time... however, you've admitted you've extended yourself as far as you can at the moment. Try to figure out what motivates you to remain active in the online dating realm.

Basically, I concur with everything breathemusic said.

This was the conversation that I had with my therapist on Monday. I left that conversation ready to end things — but then got more intrigued and sucked in when he talked to me next. When I strengthened my resolve yesterday and posted my question on here to get guidance about how to do this properly, he and I had only been chatting for 48 hours or so.

I have deleted my FetLife profile. I will likely delete my OKC profile. I am hesitant because I *have* met a few friends on there. For now I have changed it to specifically say that I am only looking for friendship.

 

[JasonJones]

Being an asshole because of rejection is never ok.

Also agree with this statement... Unfortunately it seems like some guys have a habit of being complete asshats no matter how nice.

-Jay

 

[JasonJones]

I will likely delete my OKC profile. I am hesitant because I *have* met a few friends on there. For now I have changed it to specifically say that I am only looking for friendship.

You can also just disable your account instead of deleting it. That way its all there when you want it. If you chose, you can give your friends on OKC an alternate way to chat with you.. Kik, etc... Good way to take a break without killing OKC all together.

-Jay

 

[MsEmotional]

It was interesting to talk to my husband about all of this yesterday evening, after the fact. Along with all of you, he offered me some interesting insights into the cultural assumptions that produce this kind of behavior. The assumption that any amount of interest before ultimate decision to part ways is leading him on, and no interest at all is bitchyness and not giving him a chance; the overall “heads she wins, tails I lose” mindset; and the manipulative cycles of questioning, challenging, aggression and apology in order to keep the contact going....

It’s interesting....and just makes me want to withdraw form the dating scene entirely. But how do you end that mindset? How do we prevent young men from developing this kind of entitlement? What are we doing wrong as a society?

 

[Dagferi]

Women behave just as badly in the dating world of not worse. I had a woman Murf went on 2 dates with before he even met me flip the fuck out when we got together. It ended up being a 4 year orderal for he and I. From psychotic messages to both of us. To her making catfish facebook profiles to try and get him to cheat. To saying she was in his bed at that moment when I was actually home with him. To recruiting a friend to facebook stalk him. (They went to the same highschool 25+ years ago and had mutual Facebook friends.) To her threatening my life by exposing me to food I am anaphlaticly allergic to if she ever got the chance.

Do not place the blame on men. Women are just as bad. I have heard horror stories from Male friends. Butch has written off being in other relationships outside our marriage because of the level of crazy he met out dating.

 

[Tinwen]

But how do you end that mindset? How do we prevent young men from developing this kind of entitlement? What are we doing wrong as a society?

You're a teacher ... would you ever consider talking about dating with pre-teen kids?

We're not taught that stuff. And it's hard to teach yourself, let alone others.

 

[GalaGirl]

What are we doing wrong? I think not enough frank talk about dating with kids or age appropriate sex ed. Not enough frank programs like OWL.

https://www.uua.org/re/owl

Along with a whole host of other problems like not examining our language or teaching emotional management.

For instance how often do people casually say things like "I want to get laid" or "I got laid" like "I want to get some french fries" or "I got me some fries?"

It takes the other person out of the equation as a PERSON. Instead, they become an object, a toaster, a sex dispenser. And then you are seen as withholding the fries they want. What the matter with you? (That whole entitlement thing.)

They don't often say "I would like us to share sex. Would you like that?" That frames it in a whole other light, addresses consent, addresses if they are a good sharer or are going about it crap, and keeps the people in it as PEOPLE. Not toasters.

These people who behave like jerks with a victim mentality -- they can't "get laid" because those "bitches" are so mean. They want to think of themselves as "I'm a nice guy" when they aren't really. They don't own that maybe that they struggle to form meaningful relationships because they act/behave entitled, treat others like toasters, and have temper tantrums when disappointed. There's nothing attractive about that to me.

Same for some women. It's not just some men who behave poorly.

I saw a puffer fish building a sand design to attract a mate through his artwork and I thought "Dude. That's cool. But man, even a FISH has more courtship style than some of these guys who send around unasked for pix of their junk."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B91tozyQs9M

Galagirl

 

[MsEmotional]

You're a teacher ... would you ever consider talking about dating with pre-teen kids?

We're not taught that stuff. And it's hard to teach yourself, let alone others.

Yeah, actually when I taught sex ed I used the OWL curriculum that GalaGirl linked to and we read an article about “nice guy” assumptions and miscommunications that lead to date rape. That was many years ago though.

I hadn’t realized how much of that kind of shit gets put right out on display when it comes to online interactions and instant communication — and from virtual strangers.

 

[Tinwen]

Well, at least this painful episode has made you potentially an even better teacher

 

[MsEmotional]

Women behave just as badly in the dating world of not worse. I had a woman Murf went on 2 dates with before he even met me flip the fuck out when we got together. It ended up being a 4 year orderal for he and I. From psychotic messages to both of us. To her making catfish facebook profiles to try and get him to cheat. To saying she was in his bed at that moment when I was actually home with him. To recruiting a friend to facebook stalk him. (They went to the same highschool 25+ years ago and had mutual Facebook friends.) To her threatening my life by exposing me to food I am anaphlaticly allergic to if she ever got the chance.

Do not place the blame on men. Women are just as bad. I have heard horror stories from Male friends. Butch has written off being in other relationships outside our marriage because of the level of crazy he met out dating.

It’s really interesting how the bad behavior from women differs, though. Don’t get me wrong, what you describe here is awful and scary. But I think it is interesting that her aggression was largely directed at YOU (someone she saw as a competitor) rather than at HIM (the object of her interest). Not calling it “interesting” to be dismissive — what that lady did to you was batshit crazy and scary — I just mean that it seems to come from a different set of cultural assumptions than what breeds this sense of entitlement amongst heterosexual men.

It is also interesting that it seems to be so much more common (almost expected?) for men to behave poorly like this. I guess it is my own inexperience from what I am reading here, but I hadn’t expected to need to deal with this guy’s reaction. I just assumed he would accept it but that it was my responsibility to try to do it nicely and be direct and honest. When I asked about it on here I was just looking for advice on how to do it without sending mixed messages or losing my nerve. I didn’t actually expect to need advice on how to deal with the aftermath. I was surprised when some of the advice leaned in that direction — but I guess now I shouldn’t have been surprised that that is what others anticipated might happen.

 

[ref2018]

It’s really interesting how the bad behavior from women differs, though.

It is also interesting that it seems to be so much more common (almost expected?) for men to behave poorly like this.

Yes, that's accurate. Society tries to explain the same bad behavior differently based on gender stereotypes and perceived motivations of said stereotypes.

If a male persona reacts one way (such as described in the original post), it's "Oh poor guy, he's going through a tough time. Dating is so hard for single men, they have so much competition and women are so selective these days, blah blah etc."

If a female persona reacts the same way, it's "Bitchez b trippin', she must be miserable/jealous/on-the-rag/etc."

I said "persona" because you could take the same text and switch up the gender of the protagonist, but you would get two different kinds of narrative feedback from the general population.

With all that said, I realize I made some sweeping generalizations myself in this dissertation. But I guess we'll have to do without Ravenscroft's rebuttal services from now on, LOL.

 

[Tinwen]

With all that said, I realize I made some sweeping generalizations myself in this dissertation. But I guess we'll have to do without Ravenscroft's rebuttal services from now on, LOL.

Huh, what happened, did he leave for good??? (I was outspoken against him at times, but I wouldn't be pleased by that.)

 

[Dagferi]

No her anger was directed at him. She wanted to ruin his life. He told a mutual friend that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wanted to commit to me for the long run. Murf was a self proclaimed bachelor. He was never going to get married, live with anyone, or etc. She spent 4 years focused on destroying our relationship. She went as far to read my health insurance files (she worked at blue cross blue shield at the time) costing her her job. Her supervisor was a childhood friend of mine.

Women in the dating world want a 6 foot tall man with a six figure income, and a 6 pack. They are just as entitled as men are. Go read some of the threads on Plenty of Fish's message boards. I didn't believe my male friends and husbands until they showed me dating profiles they came across. And we are talking about average plain janes with crazy demands.

Butch quotes Dr Sheldon Cooper when describing the dating world. Bitches be crazy.

Heck my 15 yo son has horror stories about girls. And he is the sweetest nerdiest kid ever. His girlfriend's friend decided she wanted my son. She showed up dresses sexy. Sent him inappropriate messages. Called him. I finally had to step in.

 

[vinsanity0]

And I still think the same thing I always have. The anonymity of the internet let's people not care how they treat others. I've had women say some really weird stuff to me. You just gotta shrug it off. I think men act like that because they are frustrated. So they mouth off to some random internet person. Instead of giving pre-schoolers dating tips we should be teaching introspection. We are never really taught how to examine ourselves and our motivation for anything.

 

[icesong]

Huh, what happened, did he leave for good??? (I was outspoken against him at times, but I wouldn't be pleased by that.)

His profile says he was banned. ::shrug:: and I think it’s admin policy here never to say why. Which is a pity IMO, I’m a member of several groups that say “X was banned and why” for transparency and I think it’s great as it both keeps people from having to wonder like this and discourages others from the same bad behavior.

 

[Atlantis]

There are subreddits called r/nicegirls and r/niceguys where people post screenshots of various OLD and text conversations. The content is mostly about when one person declines to meet and the other person let's rip. Both genders exhibit really poor behavior. There are also Bumble and Tinder subreddits.

Having had more than one or 2 nasty reactions myself to saying "thanks, but no thanks," it is interesting and comforting to see that I am not alone. At this point, I see ghosting as very viable option, it is better to just fade away then have to deal with someone's aggressive ranting about why they are such a nice guy.

 

[GalaGirl]

The anonymity of the internet let's people not care how they treat others.

I agree. The seeming anon allows some people to say horrible things to others.

We are never really taught how to examine ourselves and our motivation for anything.

I agree with that too. Emotional management, introspection, INTRA-personal skills. Those matter. But we spend a lot of time in INTER-personal skills. Like on sesame street and similar there's a lot going on for saying "please, thank you, sharing the toys, etc." But not as much for intrapersonal skills.

I think it's just a whole combo of areas/things that could be better.

Galagirl

 

[Emm]

His profile says he was banned. ::shrug:: and I think it’s admin policy here never to say why. Which is a pity IMO, I’m a member of several groups that say “X was banned and why” for transparency and I think it’s great as it both keeps people from having to wonder like this and discourages others from the same bad behavior.

Ravenscroft wasn't banned over a single incident; he just finally accumulated enough infraction points to put him over the bannination limit. The oldest active infraction expires at the end of August, but whether or not he chooses to return then and abide by the rules is up to him.

If you are concerned about what is and isn't allowed here, I recommend reading the User Guidelines and the infraction table in the FAQs.

 

[MsEmotional]

It’s weird how a brief situation like that can shake you up?

One of my jobs is at a museum and as I was bringing a group of camp kids back into the building yesterday I thought for a moment that I saw him in the parking lot. I can’t imagine that it was actually him — just a guy who looked like him — but it was one of those things that made me quicken my pace and keep an eye on him until I was sure he wasn’t coming over to me.

I’ve disabled OKC, deleted FetLife, and am pouring my flirtatious energy into my existing relationships; I think Glasses and Ponytail don’t quite know what to do with me. But I am staying away from online profiles.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...

I saw a puffer fish building a sand design to attract a mate through his artwork and I thought "Dude. That's cool. But man, even a FISH has more courtship style than some of these guys who send around unasked for pix of their junk."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B91tozyQs9M

Galagirl

Thank you for this GG! I had to share it with MrS - this is the sort of thing that he enjoys immensely.

When we bought ForeverHome it needed a LOT of work - we had recently watched a documentary on Australian Bower Birds. As he was cleaning and patching and painting our new house I would come over and inspect his work and praise him for how pleasing it was to me. "Squawk..build a nest!" was a frequent refrain - thank you for reminding me of it!

https://youtu.be/GPbWJPsBPdA