Recently I have found I have wanted to do polyamorous relationships, I've never dated (shy, autistic), but over my life, I have had multiple crushes and, then recently in class but, was not able to ask them out sadly. But, now I feel like I would rather have two people in a relationship with me rather than just one person. (I'm 19) But, any advice for open relationships?
Poly advice for a young person
- Thread starter Deer
- Start date
Be honest with everyone involved about your preferred relationship structure. Recognise that many people will be incompatible with that and therefore with you. Don't hope someone will become someone they are not.
Read the recommended literature. See pinned post in Poly Relationships Corner. Journal for yourself (here or on paper) to work through your own thoughts. Don't be needy, be proactive (that's in life, not just in polyamory).
Read the recommended literature. See pinned post in Poly Relationships Corner. Journal for yourself (here or on paper) to work through your own thoughts. Don't be needy, be proactive (that's in life, not just in polyamory).
Openbook23
Active member
If you have never dated, jumping straight into poly could be difficult. I guess it doesn't have to be, but polyamory tends to accelerate relationship waves for a variety of reasons. That's not inherently bad. It COULD be useful in learning, in fact, depending on the type of person you are. I don't have enough information. But every relationship has waves of a sort, different moments where growth is possible. Those moments often require a lot of emotional skills, many of which are developed by BEING in relationships. If you are in mulitple relationships at the same time, those waves tend to affect the other people.
I'll give an example from my recent past (like a few weeks ago!). Quick background: I'm married; my wife and I are poly. We've been together 10 years (total) and open for 5. I started seeing a woman a couple of months ago, which esclated to love very quickly. She has a partner. They've only been together for 1 year but open for 9 months of that. This all matters to the example because my spouse and I have experienced most of the early relationship waves already, but they haven't.
Ok, my new partner (a woman; I am a man) definitely kept her other partner in the loop, but since she had dated a few guys before (but didn't get super serious with them), he didn't think much of it. However, when he found out that she was in love with me, he started experiencing feelings that are best described as envy rather than jealousy. However, there was a bit of insecurity there as well (a bit of "Oh no! Will he replace me??"). This is a natural feeling in the circumstances and something a lot of women hinges (a person seeing two other people who don't have a relationship to each other) deal with. It's practically cliche, and with good reason. Men are taught to be possessive, and even when we try to break that social norm, it's how we are raised. So there are adjustments most men have to make. I've already made most of those adjustments (my wife has been out with several men, even fallen in love with one; I've dealt with these feelings already). This is brand new to him (and to my new partner for that matter).
Ideally, this would be between them, and I would not be part of it. But realistically, that's not going to be the case. I'm not the direct cause (I didn't do anything, I mean), but I'm still the indirect source. If I didn't exist, no drama. This leaves my new partner with options she has to consider. Does she break up with me to re-assert her previous relationship? That's one extreme. Does she just let her partner deal with these feelings, without doing much? That's the other. The best option will likely be somewhere between those extremes; something like reassuring her partner and letting me know what (if anything) I can do to help mitigate what is happening.
In the world of poly, this kind of issue is pretty common (and relatively minor in the grand scheme). In fact, we've already dealth with it (I think! sometimes things return!). However, we are all over 30, with other relationship experiences behind us. In fact, all of us have been married before (though they are not married to each other). That gives us a lot of experience to help guide what we do.
That's a lot of info, and I didn't mean for the example to go that long, but it's a good example of the kind of thing that can happen when you try to have serious relationships with multiple people.
OTOH, if you just want to DATE multiple people at the same time (not fall in love, or at least not with the intention of falling in love with more than one of them at the same time), go for it! You are young and single and that's a great time to explore dating different types of people. It will give you a good idea of whether you do want to have a serious commitment to more than one at the same time. It will also help you build a lot of relationship tools, which are always useful!
Wow, that was a lot of words. For the short version, see Evie's post above this one
I'll give an example from my recent past (like a few weeks ago!). Quick background: I'm married; my wife and I are poly. We've been together 10 years (total) and open for 5. I started seeing a woman a couple of months ago, which esclated to love very quickly. She has a partner. They've only been together for 1 year but open for 9 months of that. This all matters to the example because my spouse and I have experienced most of the early relationship waves already, but they haven't.
Ok, my new partner (a woman; I am a man) definitely kept her other partner in the loop, but since she had dated a few guys before (but didn't get super serious with them), he didn't think much of it. However, when he found out that she was in love with me, he started experiencing feelings that are best described as envy rather than jealousy. However, there was a bit of insecurity there as well (a bit of "Oh no! Will he replace me??"). This is a natural feeling in the circumstances and something a lot of women hinges (a person seeing two other people who don't have a relationship to each other) deal with. It's practically cliche, and with good reason. Men are taught to be possessive, and even when we try to break that social norm, it's how we are raised. So there are adjustments most men have to make. I've already made most of those adjustments (my wife has been out with several men, even fallen in love with one; I've dealt with these feelings already). This is brand new to him (and to my new partner for that matter).
Ideally, this would be between them, and I would not be part of it. But realistically, that's not going to be the case. I'm not the direct cause (I didn't do anything, I mean), but I'm still the indirect source. If I didn't exist, no drama. This leaves my new partner with options she has to consider. Does she break up with me to re-assert her previous relationship? That's one extreme. Does she just let her partner deal with these feelings, without doing much? That's the other. The best option will likely be somewhere between those extremes; something like reassuring her partner and letting me know what (if anything) I can do to help mitigate what is happening.
In the world of poly, this kind of issue is pretty common (and relatively minor in the grand scheme). In fact, we've already dealth with it (I think! sometimes things return!). However, we are all over 30, with other relationship experiences behind us. In fact, all of us have been married before (though they are not married to each other). That gives us a lot of experience to help guide what we do.
That's a lot of info, and I didn't mean for the example to go that long, but it's a good example of the kind of thing that can happen when you try to have serious relationships with multiple people.
OTOH, if you just want to DATE multiple people at the same time (not fall in love, or at least not with the intention of falling in love with more than one of them at the same time), go for it! You are young and single and that's a great time to explore dating different types of people. It will give you a good idea of whether you do want to have a serious commitment to more than one at the same time. It will also help you build a lot of relationship tools, which are always useful!
Wow, that was a lot of words. For the short version, see Evie's post above this one
You wouldn't have "two people in a relationship with me." You would have 2 relationships: one with Person A and another one with Person B. In your recent situation, you got interested in 2 young women who were friends who seemed to be looking at you in class. You imagine you'd like to do group dates with both women at once, and maybe you imagine having threesome sex with both of them at once. But now that class is over, I think, so the opportunity has passed.
There is a chance 2 young women might want to experiment with having a threesome with the same guy. These young adolescent years are a time for experimentation.
Remember though, that you're not "dating a couple." You are dating 2 individuals, with different bodies, histories, ideas, needs, desires, etc. So it's going to be much more complicated than dating just one person. Each dyad needs its own time to develop. You might end up liking one of your hypothetical persons more than the other. Or one of them might like you and the other decides she doesn't. First of all, that can cause harm to their friendship (if you're trying to date 2 people who are already friends). Secondly, trying to set up group dates, or individual dates with each, is complicated. Thirdly, if you are on the autism spectrum, you may have trouble with picking up social clues, which can be hard enough in a one-on-one relationship, never mind some kind of threeway arrangement.
I did date a man on the spectrum about a decade ago, and he tried to get with my female nesting partner as well. We did a couple threeway sex sessions, but he was not good at meeting both of our needs, emotionally and physically. He tended to hyper focus on her, since she was new and he'd had to work harder to get her interested in him. At the end of my relationship with him, he also tried to date a MF couple and again, had problems balancing their needs and establishing healthy boundaries.
Hi Deer,
I want to recommend a book to you. It is called, "Opening Up," and Tristan Taormino is the author. It's loaded with advice for open relationships, look for it in Amazon if you can. In the meantime, seek to build your communication skills. Communication is vital in open/poly. Never assume, and never expect another person to make the right assumptions. Get it all out on the table, as soon as you can. Also, I want to encourage you to keep reading and posting on this forum. There is a lot you can learn here, over many years. You are just starting on your open/poly journey, you haven't dated yet. Dedicate yourself to learning as much about open/poly as you can.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I want to recommend a book to you. It is called, "Opening Up," and Tristan Taormino is the author. It's loaded with advice for open relationships, look for it in Amazon if you can. In the meantime, seek to build your communication skills. Communication is vital in open/poly. Never assume, and never expect another person to make the right assumptions. Get it all out on the table, as soon as you can. Also, I want to encourage you to keep reading and posting on this forum. There is a lot you can learn here, over many years. You are just starting on your open/poly journey, you haven't dated yet. Dedicate yourself to learning as much about open/poly as you can.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I also tried to go on the Reddit thread they said I was ready and that, it'll have to be 6 years before I enter the poly scene I was an ignorant person I missed the research part because I was clueless about the reason I decided to go on there was that I didn't know I never experienced what I experienced and, now I'm more opened minded even though I was before (sorry for the little rant lol)
Openbook23
Active member
Did they say wait 6 years or wait until you are 25? I know that's the same for you, but I'm curious. The latter seems more likely (no one has to wait 6 years to become poly as a mature adult; so I'm guessing they said maybe you should be about 25 before deciding).
Either way, I've known people your age who are poly. But it is good to do the reading recommended above (not reddit; not forums; real books about this...use online info as a supplement to the books).
Either way, I've known people your age who are poly. But it is good to do the reading recommended above (not reddit; not forums; real books about this...use online info as a supplement to the books).