Poly and monogamous combined

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barry158

New member
I am now single, and I am looking for the following dynamic.

My female partner is poly. I am monogamous.

The problem for me is, why do I like that set up? I can only assume it is sexual, whereas poly relationships aren't purely sexual.

Should I pursue this even though the basis for me liking it is sexual?
 
It sounds like you want to be the leg of a V, with a female hinge partner.

That's a pretty common set up, we have quite a few people who fit that description here. I'm a female hinge, but one of my partners is also a hinge. The network gets quite long and complicated, but my day to day experience is that I have two male partners. They don't really interact. They've met and chatted for a few hours, and will likely do so again when circumstances allow, but mostly I have two quite separate relationships. It's not about sex at all, and I don't discuss my sex life with one, with the other.

But you have said you like the idea of it being sexual. Does that mean you are expecting a lot of group sex, or that you want to hear the details after the fact?

Perhaps you have a cuckolding fetish, which is completely okay, and you may want to also join Fetlife.com to learn more about how those dynamics work.

Or perhaps it's more a Stag/Vixen dynamic you want where her other partners are more casual and you get to reclaim her as your primary partner afterwards.

Or perhaps you want regular threesomes so you can experience having sex alongside another man without the pressure to touch him. You may even be bi curious but it would be a lot more permissible to you to have a woman to focus on. You and he could be platonic besties, but both enjoy being with her at the same time, and if a hand or mouth slips here and there, oh well, it was just a momentary thing.

It's good to build the vocabulary about what you want so you can find consenting adults who share the same desires.
 
Thanks so much. Expertly put. My ex-wife and I were swingers. No emotional attachment at all. The ratio was massively tilted to men, so she obviously had more sex. She would get jealous when I was with women because it would be more intimate. I stopped doing it, although I am ashamed to say I had an affair so wasn't quite a cuck

I actually found I liked it more when she did it away from me, so she started seeing men on her own or in another room.

I always found the idea of her being intimate with other men appealing. She wasn't into that and wanted to keep it purely physical.

Anyway, I have been single for a while. I actually find it a turn off if a woman is monogamous.

I like my own space, so the idea of my partner being in a few other relationships totally separate from me very appealing.

I am orally bi, so it's not that reason.

What I am trying to say is this: is wanting to be monogamous while my partner has other relationships, when I know the primary reason I want this is because it turns me on, a reason to seek it out? I don't want the whole relationship to be just my kink.
 
Okay, so perhaps solo-poly is more your jam right now. You don't have a desire to have a nesting partner and don't want to be someone's everything, in bed or beyond. This is sounding more like what I have, except I'm also doing long distance for the next few months until relocations happen (house r&m and sales pending). Honestly, in my ideal world, I'd be able to buy a one bedroom apartment, and so would my dependent partner (husband) and then I could host with him or my other partner whenever I wanted. But property is extremely expensive where I live so I can't afford two single apartments (my husband earns a little less than I do so I'd need to help out.)

I really like living alone and having my own time. I also like spending time with both of them (but we don't all share sex together).

Honestly, it sounds a little like you want something similar, and just to not be someone's everything all the time.

Edited to add: that especially includes sex and intimacy for you.
 
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I think that sounds pretty accurate. But I do like the idea of her primary residence being with me, but she sees her other partners whenever she wants.

With my.ex wife, as soon as a guy had sex with her, she would leave (or they would). She had no interest in intimacy with them. It's risky behaviour, because of not knowing them. We used a UK website called Fabswingers and it turned into a cesspit.

Do your partners want to spend time with the three of you, and you don't want it? It definitely makes it more binary to keep separate.

I think you touched on an interesting point on the bi-curious comment. I would imagine many men who are poly have some curiosity. I believe almost all men have curiosity in penises.

I hear you on property prices. I live central London, and was lucky enough to have done well out of property.
 
"Do your partners want to spend time with the three of you and you don't want it. It definitely makes it more binary to keep separate."

In my case, it's because of long distance all around that we haven't hung out more than once but we'll see if they strike up a friendship once we're all in the same city. I prefer garden party poly and I strongly believe that they need to be able to share space in the important places, like if I ended up in a hospital bed.
 
Evie said:
"Do your partners want to spend time with the three of you and you don't want it? It definitely makes it more binary to keep separate."

In my case, it's because of long distance all around that we haven't hung out more than once. But we'll see if they strike up a friendship once we're all in the same city. I prefer garden party poly. I strongly believe that they need to be able to share space in the important places, like if I ended up in a hospital bed.
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I just looked up garden party poly! I need to study the terms.
 
Nerding out on some vocab building can go a long way to helping you understand what it is you want so you can effectively communicate it to potential partners :)
 
Hello barry158,

Mono/poly is definitely a thing. Everyone is different, and what works for one couple is different from what works for another couple. Sure the basis for you liking it is sexual, but that isn't inherently wrong, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue it. Cuckolding is also a thing.

Relationships are complex. Kink can sit side by side with emotional involvement. You want something in a kinky way, yet you also want emotional involvement. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as it is done with mutual consent, I consider it to be moral.

I hope you find what you're looking for,
Kevin T.
 
barry158 said:
I just looked up garden party poly! I need to study the terms
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Hi, welcome to the forum.

We do have a glossary in our Golden Nuggets section, as well as reading resources (books, articles) and a podcast, with polyamory basics.


So, it sounds like you're moving from swinging to more of an open relationship. However, possibly your wife enjoys long-term but mostly just sexual relationships. When you've tried having sex with other women, it has been more "intimate." What do you mean by that? More sensitive, slower, maybe more talking? And wife got upset because it seemed too "loving"?

Most swingers enjoy casual sex, and put boundaries in place to prevent "feelings" from happening. On this board, our focus is polyAMORY. Multiple romantic adult LOVES. Love is the whole point. You can even be asexual and be polyamorous.

If you have a kink whereby the idea of your wife having sex with other men is arousing to you, fine. So be it. We all have our own interests. Polyamory can be combined with any other sexual interest one has, be it swinging, or BDSM, or anything else you can imagine. The trick is to know, accept and respect yourself, and know and accept your partner(s). This is accomplished through frequent open and honest conversations.

If your sexuality differs from your wife's, and she's putting pressure on your to do an open relationship her way, and this feels uncomfortable to you, conversations, negotiations and agreements need to happen.
 
Thanks for your response. I am separated, but I want to find a partner who is poly whilst I am monogamous, not change an existing dynamic to poly.

Many thanks
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello barry158,

Mono/poly is definitely a thing. Everyone is different, and what works for one couple is different from what works for another couple. Sure the basis for you liking it is sexual, but that isn't inherently wrong, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue it. Cuckolding is also a thing.

Relationships are complex. Kink can sit side by side with emotional involvement. You want something in a kinky way, yet you also want emotional involvement. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as it is done with mutual consent, I consider it to be moral.

I hope you find what you're looking for,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Many thanks.
 
You might want to not present yourself as monogamous. Keep the door open for yourself to also have additional lovers, if desired.

As for "making her relationships your kink," I have a question. How much do you need to hear about her relationships, and especially sex with others, in order to be pleased by her having another partner? Some (most?) poly people (her potential partners) may view it as a breach of their privacy if intimate details are shared with a preexisting partner. So if that is what you want, kinky labels may indeed be a better way to go than e.g., solo poly.
 
barry158 said:
Thanks for your response. I am separated, but I want to find a partner who is poly whilst I am monogamous, not change an existing dynamic to poly.

Many thanks
Click to expand...
I'm sorry I didn't comprehend your situation correctly. I had to reread. :)

So, you're no longer married, partly because your ex-wife was more of a swinger, but you prefer an open relationship, where it's fine to actually have feelings for your sex partner? You live alone currently, but you have a gf currently who is "poly." Is she polyamorous, or polysexual? She has actual boyfriends for whom she had fondness/love, as well as sex?

Do you and she love each other too, or is love at least developing and "allowed"? Why the fear that this is just a cuckolding kink for you? And if it is, so what?

What kind of relationship(s) would be ideal for you, overall?
 
Thanks for your reply. My previous relationship ended for unrelated reasons. My ex partner used to have sex with strangers very often.

I am single, but looking for a relationship with a woman who is poly. I haven't met anyone and haven't tried yet.

My concern is this is a kink for me. The idea of my partner having meaningful relationships with other people is appealing.

Should I be looking for a partner based on a kink? Is it common?
 
Tinwen said:
You might want to not present yourself as monogamous. Keep the door open for yourself to also have additional lovers, if desired.

As for "making her relationships your kink," I have a question. How much do you need to hear about her relationships, and especially sex with others, in order to be pleased by her having another partner?
Some (most?) poly people (her potential partners) may view it as a breach of their privacy if intimate details were shared with a preexisting partner, so if that is what you want, kinky labels may indeed be a better way to go than e.g., solo poly.
Click to expand...
Hey, Tinwen. I would keep the door open.

I would only be interested in details if my partner wanted to tell me. I'd never expect it.
 
"Should I be looking for a partner based on a kink? Is it common?"

Have you heard of Fetlife? (The website).
 
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