Poly awareness, about a year later....thoughts and observations

3908

Member
hi everyone,

been on the forum for about a year now, and really appreciate everyones openness to discuss poly life.

so my wife and i have made progress to a certain extent, we can now have discussions and she is not so angry and at times yelling. now poly discussions are more casual, but shes pretty quick to bring the bible into the discussion, almost using it as a brick wall, we have a Christian marriage. not a fringe denomination, just non denominational.


Having self reflection for a year, with reading all of your posts and seeing what i connect with and what i dont, here are my thoughts...

a year ago I told my wife I was interested in Poly, i realized i had been aware of this 20 years ago. and thought a primary/secondary configuration would be what i was interested in, perhaps i would be open to Kitchen table poly. I told her I would be cool with her having a boyfriend, no sex. and that i was interested in a woman in the same way, no sex.
I recognized Compersion was a trait I identify with, i am not a Jealous person.

today, I still see myself as having a poly mindset. my wife tells me even tonight that i cant be poly because i haven't tried it before. i disagree with this, but i lack the words to help her understand.
she believes I am following Lust, even tho im not interested in sex. she also says i am being very selfish and hurtful to be interested in poly.
a year ago I thought i was interested in a girlfriend with emotional/physical connection. she says she was most hurt by my wanting an emotional connection with another woman. the physical contact part didn't really seem to bother her.

at times shes ok with me having some basic physical contact with other women, one time she said she didn't feel threatened by a particular woman during that discussion.

I have come to realize that she probably wont consent to a poly secondary, have recognized this for pretty much the whole year.
I dont really have TIME to support a secondary even if i was given consent (as you guys say love may be unlimited but time is not)
A compromise to this would be Professional Cuddling. It could be scheduled, I could help people with physical touch, i would enjoy it, and even get paid. all of which would not be poly, would not be a relationship and i would also say no emotional connection because its a service. my wife says it would be tempting the interest in poly, and it very much would be emotional connection, shes very determined about that.

she also wants to blame interest in poly to something from my past, perhaps its the loss of my mother at a young age, perhaps it is a narcissistic step mother, abandonment by my father, or various other things. I really don't spend much time downplaying those things, maybe they have a contributing factor. recognizing the possibility these may be involved doesn't change my interest in poly. I'm also in a 12 step program and she has said i need to add interest in poly as an area i should be in recovery for, I disagree, she says that's denial.

thank you for reading.

that may seem like rambling but if you have any thoughts on my circumstances I would appreciate hearing them.
 

Evie

Mod
What a hard read. You're hurting each other and for what? Is there growth, progress? Has anything changed for the better?

Honestly, it sounds like you want to be able to become close friends with (an)other woman but something about your practice of Christianity is preventing this.

Where, other than your church and 12 step group, do you have a social outlet where there may be someone who could be this friend?

As an addict, I'm sure you are familiar with the dichotomy between addiction and connection. It sounds like you are quite isolated, even in recovery. Well done on sobriety. It sounds like you are ready to connect with people meaningfully, and to you right now this could come from asexual polyamory or professional cuddling.

But you're looking for consent that you're never going to get.

So, how can you satisfy your need for more human connection? You might just have to make a decision and act on it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I don't know what to tell you.

Like yay? Wife isn't yelling about it any more?

I have come to realize that she probably wont consent to a poly secondary, have recognized this for pretty much the whole year.

But at the same time wondering... Why do you keep trying to talk about it with her? She simply is not into it.

She doesn't want to know poly you. She only wants to know the parts she's ok with.

It's good you've been working on yourself in your 12 Step program. And thinking about things in life. And maybe considering becoming a professional cuddler.

And maybe part of getting better is detangling some from wife so she's not your everything.

Accepting she's not gonna be your poly buddy to talk poly things with. Then go make some friends. You sound lonely.

today, I still see myself as having a poly mindset.

So have it. You are the one living there inside your brain.

my wife tells me even tonight that i cant be poly because i haven't tried it before.

i disagree with this, but i lack the words to help her understand.

Wife is not the boss of you. And you know that doesn't make sense.

It's like telling a teen who has never dated, that BECAUSE they never dated anyone? They can't know if they are straight, gay, lesbian, bi or whatever they are on the inside.

You have been up front at honest with her about your inner life and who you are on the inside. She's just not interested in it. You seem to accept she's never going to accept poly or even accept that poly side of you.

So.... why do you think she needs to understand anything else?

Maybe the need is to just agree you both think different things on this topic and STOP.

she also wants to blame interest in poly to something from my past, perhaps its the loss of my mother at a young age, perhaps it is a narcissistic step mother, abandonment by my father, or various other things. I really don't spend much time downplaying those things, maybe they have a contributing factor. recognizing the possibility these may be involved doesn't change my interest in poly.

Her need to "make it go away" or "blame it something" is just that. HER need. Not yours.

I'm also in a 12 step program and she has said i need to add interest in poly as an area i should be in recovery for, I disagree, she says that's denial.

Wife wanting you to list "poly" as one of the things to be in "recovery" for? Again.... that is about her discomfort. Not really about you.

You disagree that you need to be in recovery for poly thoughts?And she says you are in denial? You could say "Ok. I see you think I'm in denial." And let it go.

Being poly, having poly thoughts or feelings? That's not an addiction or a problem. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's not like trying to overcome a drinking problem, a drug problem or other things that 12 step programs are for.

I guess if I was in your shoes? And I wasn't interested in breaking up with wife?

I'd just let it go. Call truce. I'd stop trying to talk to her about poly. She can stop telling me I'm "broken" or something just because I do have poly thoughts.

Then I stop. I'm not gonna be sharing that part of me with wife because she simply doesn't want to know about it. Focus more on the things we DO have in common. Stick to our monogamous marriage agreements. Presumably the relationship is worthwhile and enjoyable in other ways.

Then I'd share my poly thoughts and feelings with other people instead of wife. Share that part of my inner life with friends who are more poly accepting. Maybe participate in online poly communities or attend local poly things when pandemic allows. Not because I was going to date any of them and cheat on my wife. But because I'd want to have SOME people in my life I could talk about it with sometimes.

Cuz it isn't wife.

And people usually need friends.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello 3908,

It sounds like you have been talking to your wife for about a year, and she is still 100% opposed to poly. Usually my advice would be to talk to one's spouse/partner for a year, but you have already done that and it hasn't worked. Now you have the hard decision to make of whether you are going to try for two years, three years, five years, ten, fifty. It's very possible you are going to keep trying until one of you passes away, but you should at least know ahead of time that that is what you are going to do, and you should know why. Perhaps it is because you are always going to have a glimmer of hope that your wife will come around, that she'll eventually say yes to poly or at least to having an affectionate friendship with another woman (no sex), or even just to your being a professional cuddler. All of these things are enjoyable for your imagination, but at some point you need to realize that they all depend on your wife saying yes.

I do think you have made some progress, and I am not going to say there is no hope. I just suggest that you think about how many years you want to put into this, and whether you are okay with being strictly monogamous for the rest of your life, because right now, it looks like that's the most likely possibility.

I remember in another thread, your wife said you could have a (close?) relationship with a certain woman of your wife's choosing? How did that pan out?

I hope you and your wife can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

3908

Member
I remember in another thread, your wife said you could have a (close?) relationship with a certain woman of your wife's choosing? How did that pan out?
the friend lives several hours away and rarely see her. last time we hung out just her and I was in may. my wife said the distance was a deciding factor in her approval. time spent with the friend is generally enjoyable and there is some addl affection like holding hands but part of our time together resembles a 12 step sponsorship environment for her struggles, so in some ways its like going to work when i see her, which i don't mind helping her, but time spent just enjoying each others company is rare.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
It sounds like your wife did a good job of choosing a woman who would not be very satisfying to you. Maybe she's hoping you'll lose interest if poly is too much of a hassle.
 
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