hi everyone,
been on the forum for about a year now, and really appreciate everyones openness to discuss poly life.
so my wife and i have made progress to a certain extent, we can now have discussions and she is not so angry and at times yelling. now poly discussions are more casual, but shes pretty quick to bring the bible into the discussion, almost using it as a brick wall, we have a Christian marriage. not a fringe denomination, just non denominational.
Having self reflection for a year, with reading all of your posts and seeing what i connect with and what i dont, here are my thoughts...
a year ago I told my wife I was interested in Poly, i realized i had been aware of this 20 years ago. and thought a primary/secondary configuration would be what i was interested in, perhaps i would be open to Kitchen table poly. I told her I would be cool with her having a boyfriend, no sex. and that i was interested in a woman in the same way, no sex.
I recognized Compersion was a trait I identify with, i am not a Jealous person.
today, I still see myself as having a poly mindset. my wife tells me even tonight that i cant be poly because i haven't tried it before. i disagree with this, but i lack the words to help her understand.
she believes I am following Lust, even tho im not interested in sex. she also says i am being very selfish and hurtful to be interested in poly.
a year ago I thought i was interested in a girlfriend with emotional/physical connection. she says she was most hurt by my wanting an emotional connection with another woman. the physical contact part didn't really seem to bother her.
at times shes ok with me having some basic physical contact with other women, one time she said she didn't feel threatened by a particular woman during that discussion.
I have come to realize that she probably wont consent to a poly secondary, have recognized this for pretty much the whole year.
I dont really have TIME to support a secondary even if i was given consent (as you guys say love may be unlimited but time is not)
A compromise to this would be Professional Cuddling. It could be scheduled, I could help people with physical touch, i would enjoy it, and even get paid. all of which would not be poly, would not be a relationship and i would also say no emotional connection because its a service. my wife says it would be tempting the interest in poly, and it very much would be emotional connection, shes very determined about that.
she also wants to blame interest in poly to something from my past, perhaps its the loss of my mother at a young age, perhaps it is a narcissistic step mother, abandonment by my father, or various other things. I really don't spend much time downplaying those things, maybe they have a contributing factor. recognizing the possibility these may be involved doesn't change my interest in poly. I'm also in a 12 step program and she has said i need to add interest in poly as an area i should be in recovery for, I disagree, she says that's denial.
thank you for reading.
that may seem like rambling but if you have any thoughts on my circumstances I would appreciate hearing them.
been on the forum for about a year now, and really appreciate everyones openness to discuss poly life.
so my wife and i have made progress to a certain extent, we can now have discussions and she is not so angry and at times yelling. now poly discussions are more casual, but shes pretty quick to bring the bible into the discussion, almost using it as a brick wall, we have a Christian marriage. not a fringe denomination, just non denominational.
Having self reflection for a year, with reading all of your posts and seeing what i connect with and what i dont, here are my thoughts...
a year ago I told my wife I was interested in Poly, i realized i had been aware of this 20 years ago. and thought a primary/secondary configuration would be what i was interested in, perhaps i would be open to Kitchen table poly. I told her I would be cool with her having a boyfriend, no sex. and that i was interested in a woman in the same way, no sex.
I recognized Compersion was a trait I identify with, i am not a Jealous person.
today, I still see myself as having a poly mindset. my wife tells me even tonight that i cant be poly because i haven't tried it before. i disagree with this, but i lack the words to help her understand.
she believes I am following Lust, even tho im not interested in sex. she also says i am being very selfish and hurtful to be interested in poly.
a year ago I thought i was interested in a girlfriend with emotional/physical connection. she says she was most hurt by my wanting an emotional connection with another woman. the physical contact part didn't really seem to bother her.
at times shes ok with me having some basic physical contact with other women, one time she said she didn't feel threatened by a particular woman during that discussion.
I have come to realize that she probably wont consent to a poly secondary, have recognized this for pretty much the whole year.
I dont really have TIME to support a secondary even if i was given consent (as you guys say love may be unlimited but time is not)
A compromise to this would be Professional Cuddling. It could be scheduled, I could help people with physical touch, i would enjoy it, and even get paid. all of which would not be poly, would not be a relationship and i would also say no emotional connection because its a service. my wife says it would be tempting the interest in poly, and it very much would be emotional connection, shes very determined about that.
she also wants to blame interest in poly to something from my past, perhaps its the loss of my mother at a young age, perhaps it is a narcissistic step mother, abandonment by my father, or various other things. I really don't spend much time downplaying those things, maybe they have a contributing factor. recognizing the possibility these may be involved doesn't change my interest in poly. I'm also in a 12 step program and she has said i need to add interest in poly as an area i should be in recovery for, I disagree, she says that's denial.
thank you for reading.
that may seem like rambling but if you have any thoughts on my circumstances I would appreciate hearing them.