Poly because of boredom

Violet77

Member
What are folks thoughts on having jelousy (which I'm working on) and starting to have poly relationships once the primary relationship starts to get boring/less exciting?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
What are folks thoughts on having jelousy (which I'm working on) and starting to have poly relationships once the primary relationship starts to get boring/less exciting?

I'm not sure I follow the situation you are describing. Are you saying that you are both bored with, and jealous of, your relationship and are looking to date other people because of this?
 

Violet77

Member
We aren't bored right now, but is it ethical to try polyamory once it gets boring, like in the future. Or is it better reserved for people who are more naturally poly.
 
I was in a relationship with a married woman who was poly.
When I started seeing the Wife, my friendship with the Husband become non-existent.

I've had talks with the Wife who said her sex life with her Husband became boring and eventually they stopped having sex. I suppose that's where I came in - to spice up her sex life. However, this did cost us our friendship. The Husband quickly became very jealous of me. I don't think he was fully onboard with being in a poly marriage.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
We aren't bored right now, but is it ethical to try polyamory once it gets boring, like in the future. Or is it better reserved for people who are more naturally poly.

The only thing that would keep it from being ethical is if someone involved wasn't informed or given their chance to consent. There are plenty of reasons to not be strictly monogamous anymore, and "bored" is just as good a reason as any from my perspective.

There are reasons to open up to non-monogamy that aren't a great idea, like "fixing our existing floundering relationship". Not that polyamory can't still work, it's just that adding relationships to a failing relationship isn't good math.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Violet,

I guess you could say that boredom is one of the reasons why humans are often nonmonogamous. It is part of who we are. So I don't think it is some terrible thing. The important thing is to learn as much about poly as you can, so that you do not step into any of the pitfalls. To that end, I encourage you to read and post often on this forum (and on this thread). Think about what all your questions are, and ask them here.

If you come to a point where your current relationship is foundering, where it is actually in trouble, treat that as a separate problem, because poly won't fix it. But that would not be the same problem as boredom.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I think it depends what you mean by "bored." Do you mean that your relationship and selves are healthy but you have free time and figure why not? Or do you mean you're not really interested in each other for the exciting stuff anymore but don't want to break up so dating others sounds like a good plan to keep y'all satisfied?

First scenario seems fine to me. Second seems like the relationship isn't working and you're trying to fix it by adding new people, which isn't fine.

Since this is a hypothetical future scenario, I'm hoping you mean the first 😁
 

TXretired

Active member
I never got bored with my wife. Just had love for another as well. It seems boredom would be a weak base to begin.
 

SarahD

New member
What do you mean by jealous? I’m understanding from your post that you are toying with the idea of some extra curricular sex but afraid of how you’d feel if your partner also engaged sex with others. Is that correct?

Step one in any scenario is to begin the conversation with your partner about what your needs are and what an open relationship would look like for either of you.
 

Violet77

Member
I think it depends what you mean by "bored." Do you mean that your relationship and selves are healthy but you have free time and figure why not? Or do you mean you're not really interested in each other for the exciting stuff anymore but don't want to break up so dating others sounds like a good plan to keep y'all satisfied?

First scenario seems fine to me. Second seems like the relationship isn't working and you're trying to fix it by adding new people, which isn't fine.

Since this is a hypothetical future scenario, I'm hoping you mean the first 😁
I mean your second part, hypothetically in the future
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
If a relationship isn't working (boredom or otherwise) then wouldn't it just be better to leave that relationship rather than draw other people into the situation that already isn't working?

Spoiler: YES

But then, just because you don't want to do "exciting stuff" with someone doesn't mean the relationship isn't working on the whole. You may be fantastically compatible cohabitation partners, or a great "calm stuff" couple, or soul connection friends. In this case, I'd suggest being explicit with each other about what the relationship IS and what it ISN'T, and open the relationship to each having your own other interests, friends and friend groups, and possibly other partners.

It's rather down to what you consider the "exciting stuff" and how you can meet your need for this. If "exciting stuff" is riding roller coasters, you could find someone else who likes riding them too. If exciting stuff is a euphemism for (adventurous?) sex, then you'll be looking to meet people for that reason. But it's not recommended to date to meet someone who will become the replacement partner so you don't have to be single between relationships. That's more like serial monogamy with overlap.
 
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AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I would worry that you would be looking for a missing piece to a puzzle versus actually looking for an individual human with actual needs and desires.

What happens when you get bored of the new person? Find another? Then another? Then another? It's a potential never ending cycle of excitement/nre - boredom - hunt for excitement. "Relationship broken, add more people" is never the answer. Making sure the existing relationship is solid is key to transitioning to being open and having the capacity to put in the energy required to build new solid relationships.

If y'all get bored of each other, why remain in a relationship? Why not change the existing relationship so it's exciting again OR end it and move on instead of trying to make a NEW one fill the gaps which is using a person as a tool/object instead of treating them like a person?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Why not change the existing relationship so it's exciting again OR end it and move on instead of trying to make a NEW one fill the gaps which is using a person as a tool/object instead of treating them like a person?

There are lots of objects you can jam into a broken relationship to try to mend it: a child, another lover, a speed boat, fanatic devotion to sky diving... however, doing this is never recommended if a healthy relationship is the goal.

Some things that might be a better idea are: being honest about what you want, setting expectations that line up with reality, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, being an excellent receiver of bad news.

Any number of things will be more helpful than jamming another poor innocent lover into the mix.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
What are folks thoughts on having jelousy (which I'm working on)

It's just an emotion to me. One does their emotional management around that. And usually most feelings whether fun to feel or not fun to feel? Will pass.

I do not think "jealousy response" is a love indicator. Like if I don't get jealous it means I don't really love a partner. Some people seem to want the jealousy response in a partner to "prove love."

And some people just prefer to have monogamous relationships so their jealousy thing doesn't get pinged as much. Which is fine. We all get to choose how we want to be.

I don't know if this helps you any


We aren't bored right now, but is it ethical to try polyamory once it gets boring, like in the future. Or is it better reserved for people who are more naturally poly.

Measured against WHOSE personal ethics? If it's ethical to all the participants, then I guess it's ethical to them.

It wouldn't be a great sounding dating offer to ME -- "Come poly date me because I'm bored with my other relationship." I'd wonder why this couple just doesn't make their relationship more interesting for them to continue participating in it. Or call it the end of the line and be done.

I am also not clear on what the hypothetical poly dating is supposed to DO for the bored couple?
  • Actually solve the boredom by introducing new dynamics/ new people to deal with or interact with? (Could making more hobby friends or volunteering friends solve this better?)
  • Or distract from from the boredom by introducing new dynamics to have to deal with? (Why distract from rather than deal with boredom head on?)
  • Enable the couple to avoid a break up? (Even though changing from a monogamous model to a poly model IS basically breaking up on purpose to let the old model go and start with a new relationship model?)
  • Be used like a soft-exit to set up a new partner before dumping the old one to skip being alone in between partners?
  • Is this an end of life issue? Like one partner is sick/dying or has dementia and doesn't recognize spouse any more?
  • Something other kind of reason?
I guess the reason why the couple wants to use polydating to alleviate "boredom" would influence how the the ethical the people involved find it.

If a spouse is so far along in dementia that they don't even know you any more or other relatives? Live in a nursing home while you putz around the family home? And you want to move on to building your next chapter but also not divorce them because they need the health insurance and other reasons? Well...

Again, that would be on the persons involved if it is ethical or not.

I wouldn't be especially keen on most of the reasons above. I might be more open to end of life issues as I get older myself. It's hard for me to relate to the boredom part. I've been with my husband for decades. I'm not bored of him/our relationship. I actually like ORE more than I do NRE.

Why's getting bored a concern for you right now?

Galagirl
 
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