Poly but struggling

reflections

reflections

New member
I identify myself as poly, but I'm struggling with new developments in my primary relationship. I'm looking for some advice/understanding from the community. My husband and I have been together for many years and most of those years have been mono. Neither of us had been in a poly relationship before. A few years ago, we decided to have a threesome with a mutual friend, at the prompting of my husband, and while it initially started as just sex, this friend and I have developed a strong, loving relationship over the past few years. My husband has always been fully supportive of it and is my primary, and our relationship has been strengthened by this.

More recently, my husband has expressed interest in having sex with a woman, as his first relationship outside of our partnership. Initially, I was very encouraging of this, as I wanted him to have the same benefits from another relationship as I have. I told him that I am not comfortable with it becoming an emotional relationship *at this point*, and he has emphasized that he doesn't want an emotional relationship either. They've developed a solid friendship and started flirting, with my full support. But it's been hard for me as they've gone from subtle flirting to getting physical with each other, in the span of a week, without having sex. The relationship has now escalated to the point the next step is sex, and I'm really struggling with accepting this. He has already told me that he won't if I'm not okay with this, but I believe in the concept of poly, since my other relationship means so much to me. We have talked every single day and are quite open with each other about what we're feeling, and I trust him completely.

I already see the benefits of his relationship with this woman, as it makes him happy to be with her and happy that he and I can have this kind of relationship. I want this to work for him (us?), but my stomach tosses at the thought of it. I can't put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, since I don't have the standard jealousy that he is going to leave me for her (I completely believe that we are life partners and that he feels the same way). Part of what I know concerns me is that I am not comfortable about it turning into a romantic relationship, with the understanding that I have no control over this and he doesn't have much control over it himself, and I don't see how that won't happen. I hadn't planned on falling in love with my other partner, but that type of physical and emotional intimacy lends itself to love. So for my husband and this woman, within a week, it went from flirting to getting physical to now inevitably having sex (and in my mind, falling in love with her). Their emotional bond is also strengthening, as I already see her reaching out to him for support when she previously didn't and him frequently talking to her throughout the day. He has talked to her about it being purely sexual, but I'm seeing the many ways that it already isn't purely sexual. By the time it turned into love for me, it would have broken my heart to end it, and I can't do that to my husband. It is complicated too by the fact that my other relationship is long distance, and I only get to see him about 2/year, whereas he sees her almost every day (meaning much less of my time is occupied with my other relationship, but that won't be the case for him).

I haven't met her yet, and I'm nervous about doing this, because I'm getting to a point where I don't like her already simply because of what's going on, not what kind of a person she is. But if I don't meet her before they have sex, I can only imagine that it will be harder for me afterwards and it is only a matter of time before I run into her. I keep thinking how much easier this would have been if we were friends first (like my husband and our mutual friend) or even had a threesome first (which she is not interested in), but I'm trying to recognize that this is a different situation and adapt to it. He also doesn't think she would be comfortable meeting over dinner or drinks, suggesting that I just meet her and talk for a few minutes.

I want to get to the place where I'm okay with this, even happy with how much he gets out of this relationship. I'm struggling to figure out what boundaries I feel comfortable setting. I feel badly for his unwavering support of my relationship, but that I'm struggling with his. I feel pressured by the situation (not him), as their emotional/sexual relationship continues to strengthen every day, and by her requests for him to go over to her house that he continues to refuse because he knows I'm not there yet. At some point (probably in the next week or two), I know I need to bite the bullet, because I want this to work for him, but I just don't how to get there. I can't tell if this is a matter where I just need to take a leap of faith and let it happen or if I need to get more comfortable with the idea first. I've been trying to process all of this on my own, with him, with my other partner, and with my poly friend, and it has consumed all of my time, but it's only been a week.

Any thoughts/suggestions/empathy/personal stories would be greatly appreciated.
 
Your feelings are not uncommon. Many people go through those feelings. It just happens, but it is something that either goes away and turns into happiness for the other partner or it doesn't go away. Those feelings are a form of jealousy. It is a fear that you will not have as much time with him as she does. It is a fear that your partner may actually fall in love with this other person.

Too often it is the woman of the couple who takes the longest to become interested and the first to want it to continue, but it is also the woman who is okay with having the extra relationship but is reluctant to allow her mate the same freedom. It is a double standard, but it is not uncommon.

I believe in the old adage, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." You can't set limits on others if you don't want them to set limits on you.
 
Thank you for your post. It helps to have my feelings normalized. I know I'm not the only one that has felt this way in a poly relationship, but I don't see myself as a jealous person and it feels really uncomfortable to have this kind of a gut reaction to something I truly believe in. And I completely agree that it's a double standard, which makes me feel just terrible.

How do you get to the point that you're okay with it? I don't know if I need to just jump in and process it afterwards (and maybe over time it will be better) or if it's a sign that I'm not ready yet and need to do some legwork beforehand.

I am trying so hard to get there.
 
In my experience, it might be a situation where you aren't going to be fully ready before it happens. Sometimes you have to experience/confront the thing that is scaring you before you will have enough information and tools to process it properly. Or maybe you'll find out that anticipation is far worse than the actual event. Some people worry more over things that might happen or are going to happen than things that have already happened.

The best thing you can do before they have sex is probably start digging into the root of some of your fears. What is it you are worried about if they fall in love? What do you think that will mean for you and your husband that scares you, if you already feel like you are confident he won't leave? Is it the amount of time spent together? Is it a feeling of being special? Start digging in to the individual fears and find out at the very root of them what it is that is causing you anxiety.

At the end of it all, you may never be fully ready emotionally. If you feel like your highest self wants your husband to have the same kind of freedom you do and that there is truly nothing to be afraid of and that you trust him completely to treat you with respect and honesty and to act in your best interests, you might have to subdue the anxieties and confront them in a real life way before you are able to fully process them out.
 
I was so nervous when I knew my husband and his gf were approaching the time they would have sex. I fully supported him in the relationship, adore her and felt completely secure about my place in all of it. But my stomach was so knotted up I felt like I was going to vomit.

We had talked about all of this poly stuff for years. We talked about it to the point we were sick of hearing our own voices in order to make sure we had covered everything and would have no regrets. But when actually faced with the point of no return (once they did it we couldn't ever take it back) it was a whole new ballgame.

My husband asked me if I wanted him to cancel the date because he could see I was struggling with it. I asked him not to. If we gave in to my irrational fears once, it opened the door to let those fears rule our lives. So I took a deep breath, hugged him and wished him well as he went with her. You know what? It was absolutely, 100%, completely OK. Once he went with her my emotions settled back down. I just needed to step through them to the other side.
 
Wow. Thank you to the last two posters for your comments. They brought tears to my eyes. I am starting to believe that I just need to let it happen and breathe. The questions about where the anxieties come from are really helpful, because they lead me to keep remembering that I know he deeply loves me and that won't change. As I kept saying to my husband, I feel like all my "crazies" keep coming out while we're processing this - those basic, gut, instinctual fears of how things might change, despite my rational side that feels fully secure in my relationship with him, with years of trust and honesty in our relationship to back that up.

I was never comfortable with him falling in love with someone else (yes, I know, a double standard rooted in lots of anxiety), but I'm trying to prepare myself for that likely happening, instead of letting it blindside me and feel hurt after he said that wasn't what he wanted. I know that being physically intimate with someone you already have an emotional connection makes falling in love a possibility/probability. And I do feel better knowing that he is physically intimate with someone he knows and trusts, rather than a random hook-up, anyway.

Emmy37, I feel inspired by your personal story and truly connected with your experience. It makes me feel so much more normal knowing that you can have the intense, stomach-turning anxiety and still make it to the other side. That you can be as ready as you will be for it to happen, but still have those fears. We have spent every single night processing it since it was first evident that she was interested in him, and honestly, we're both tired of processing it. It's so draining. I just need to accept it and process it afterwards, and I know that's something we can do together.

At this point, I'm trying to plan some time to spend, albeit not in person, with my other partner the night it happens to have a bit more support and remind myself why I'm doing this all.
 
reflections said:
How do you get to the point that you're okay with it?
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What happened for/with me was that I had to realize that my husband could actually fall in love with someone else.

We had this other person to the house and my husband and this other person clicked, big time! It was so obvious. I told my husband that I was scared. And I was. I was terrified of what might happen if he actually fell in love with this other person. They both seemed so happy together. I had some trouble with that.

Yes, my husband had let me date for a long time and he never had a problem with it. He encouraged me. I loved him for it. Then the shoe was on the other foot. I saw him really, really happy because of this other person. I couldn't explain why I felt what I felt, but to me it was very real. My stomach was all tied up and my head was swirling.

After I told my husband of my feelings he told me that he would never see this other person ever again. And he hasn't. That was six years ago. Ever since then I felt like trash. It was because of my fears that he just cut everything off with this other person. And it wasn't until just recently that I have been able to see the light in his eyes that I saw when he was with this other person.

I wasn't sure how I felt six years ago, but for the following six years I knew exactly how I felt. I knew that my husband had let this person who made him so happy go. And I felt like shit afterward. I felt worse after he had called off his relationship with this other person than I did when I originally had my fears.

Four years after my husband called off the relationship with this other person, I met her again at the grocery store. I begged her to give my husband another chance. He response? "I really don't need the drama." That made me feel even worse.

Recently my husband met a couple and started dating the wife of the couple. She is 29 years younger than my husband. When I saw the spark between my husband and this new woman I knew I had to allow it and let it ride out. For six years my husband was supportive and encouraging of me and now was my turn again to be the same for him.

How do you get to the point that you're okay with it? There is no one way that anyone gets to that point. It is different for everyone. In our case it took me six years of regret and six years of my husband not being as happy as he could have been had I not expressed my (now irrational) fears.

My husband's new girlfriend is an amazing woman. She's young, but more mature than I am in some ways. My husband's new girlfriend and her husband have been to our house numerous times. And each time we have talked for hours. Being the woman in the relationship who gets the guys, or the dates, is the easy part. Letting your husband have the same freedoms is often not an easy task.

The one thing that another poly friend brought up to me, soon after my husband met his new girlfriend, was something I had told her in the past . . . "Sometimes I don't know I'm in the mood until it is already happening." And when she said that, it made sense to me. I understood that I had to let my husband's relationship with this new woman happen. I knew that I couldn't stand another six years of regret. And I knew it would be wrong to deny my husband the happiness that the other men in my life have brought me.

I hope this helps
 
Re (from OP):
"It is complicated too by the fact that my other relationship is long distance, and I only get to see him about twice a year, whereas he sees her almost every day."
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Based on that detail, I have a theory that (at least part of) your fear of him falling in love with this woman is that you fear it will greatly subtract from the time he spends with you (in the future). This might be a good time to sit down with him and discuss what your needs are, especially as regards how much time you need him to spend with you. Sometimes when people get caught up with NRE, they forget to spend a fair amount of time with their original partner. So I think it is okay to come to some specific agreements with him about what you need and what he agrees is reasonable.

There may be other things fueling your fear but I'm just guessing the time factor is one of the big ones. Hopefully you can get that sorted out and eventually push through whatever fears remain. If you accomplish that, you'll probably feel good about yourself for having done so.

We're pulling for you here!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree on the setting up time/space boundaries, and preparing yourself for any possible NRE behaviours, like texting all the time. It can be a pretty emotional rollercoaster watching your SO get infatuated with someone. Try and create space for the two of you to have meaningful time together, that isn't process oriented. Be open to practicing detachment from your fears and anxiety. Be with those feelings but let them go, do not obsess about your partners new friend.

I think it is a beautiful gift that you are giving to them, to challenge your emotional world like this. Be proud of your bravery. Respect.
 
elemental said:
I think it is a beautiful gift that you are giving to them, to challenge your emotional world like this. Be proud of your bravery. Respect.
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Why would you think she's brave? She already has another relationship of her own, with feelings and commitment. It would be selfish of her to do anything but give him basic courtesy and respect when he pursues his own relationships.
 
Hi reflections,

Nice to meet you :)

You are definitely not alone in your struggle. I actually disagree that it's not brave of you to encourage your husband to find someone who brings him happiness. It is brave. You could be a total arse and set one rule for you and another from him. You could insist on a like for like - he's only allowed to see her twice a year, because you can only see your guy twice a year. However, you're not saying this. You ARE being brave by... not being a dick ;)

There is absolutely no reason on earth why having a relationship of your own would or should make it any easier for you when your husband finds the same. In fact, it can make it worse if you've had moments of detachment from your husband while you were wrapped up in NRE. I know I've had moments where my head's been in the clouds with others, and having experienced that, it's scary to watch my GF's head in the clouds, because I (we) know full-well that we aren't completely connected for a while there.

What I will say is that it will be ok. The anticipation of these things is usually far worse than the post-event. You may be plagued with thoughts for a little while afterwards, but one day, you wake up and suddenly, you're not thinking about it any more. As it becomes the norm, it bothers you less and less. You kind of wake up after it and think "Hey... the walls haven't come down! I'm not dead!"

I suffer/benefit from an extremely strong imagination and to be perfectly honest, I can still find myself in tears for a week the first time I discover a development that unsettles me. And that's after 3+ years of poly! However, it does pass, I promise you.

My friend once gave me some wonderful advice that I will pass on to you. She said that we should treat our minds like a hotel and treat thoughts as if they are guests. If we see a guest coming, we can welcome the thought and then send it away; or we can choose to turn the guest away completely. No room at the inn.

Another technique I read about, and use often, is to say "I am having an anxious thought". Doing this actually helps to detach from the thought and makes it smaller.

Another piece of advice for the future of your poly explorations is to remember that every relationship is different, as is every person. It's impossible to have like-for-like relationships. Your husband may move physically faster than you have done in the past. In the future, you might want long trips away with your other partner, while your husband just sees his other partner once a week. You don't sound like a person who thinks "It's not fair! ~stamps feet~", but it can help to keep it in mind so that you don't stress about the pace his relationships move at.

Overall, I'd advise you to just swim with the tides and let things come to you. If it gets too much and your relationship fosters compromise, you can always ask for some temporary pacing or whatever else you might need.

Let us know how you are doing and how everything is going.
 
polyinpractice - I agree, it would be selfish. I think its Brave to confront ones fears in such a public , challenging way. I can't think of a harder way to do Poly, opening a marriage that was once mono.
 
Thank you to everyone for their kind words. It's amazing how much you all are supportive on here, and you have no idea how much it helps. It's hard feeling like there aren't people that I can talk to who truly value being poly. I've encouraged my husband to read through these posts, since everything I've said on here, I've said to him and hearing other perspectives can be helpful. He has also been in awe of the genuine caring of all of you in trying to help us make this work.

I am doing much better today. After reading some of the posts yesterday, I opened up *another* conversation with my husband about how I was afraid he was going to fall in love with her. I kept emphasizing that love was a possibility, that I hadn't planned on falling in love with my other partner, that that level of physical intimacy when there's already an emotional connection often results in love, and I think he was finally able to truly acknowledge this as a strong likelihood (or maybe I was just able to hear it for the first time). Somehow, it was freeing, knowing that we were on the same page and that it's been worth making myself face this scary thought. He kept saying it's not something he "wants," but I think it is. It's not that I don't believe him, but I think he would want the things that come with love - the cuddling, the kissing, the emotional support, the butterflies in his stomach when he sees her. I don't think he thought of it in that way before. After talking, he was able to say that he could see it moving in that direction. And I can now say that it'll be okay if that happens. Not that I'm going to instantly be able to let go of all my fears and worries, but that it's worth pushing through that, because I want this for him and for us.

I realized that a lot of my fears about him falling in love with her come from the time spent. I shared with him about my own experience of being in a new relationship. It's easy to throw yourself into the other relationship, with all the NRE, and I wanted him to know that this might happen. And how this might differ wildly for him from how things happened in my other relationship, because it was and is long distance. I let him know about my worries that his new relationship would take away from our relationship, not in the sense of less love, but in the concrete sense of time. As always, he was incredibly sensitive and caring towards me with this fear. Part of me just really wants him to know about what might happen. He's never been through this, but I have, so I can tell him more about my experience. We agreed that if needed, we can set boundaries about how often he sees her, but even now I see that as just my way of feeling more in control of everything to manage my anxieties. I had already set a boundary about "not this weekend" that I've decided to take back, feeling in a better place now. I trust him to want to spend time with me, and I'm better able to be flexible and understanding about how this is a very different relationship than I have with my other partner, since he sees her frequently. And it's new! I'm starting to enjoy hearing about how this is so new for him and can remember all the excitement and nervousness from my own experience.

I know that if I asked him to end things now, he would. Which is why I would never ask him to do that. It's not even an option, and it's never been, which is why I've been working so hard to get okay with this all. DebbieandRay, I really connected with your story, because I could see that happening in our relationship if I did end things. It reaffirmed that all of this painful processing is worth it. I can only imagine how much it would have hurt if he had asked me to do that with my partner early on (or now), and I genuinely want him to be happy. So it is really about facing my fears and making myself do something that feels very uncomfortable. I'm not working this hard to get okay with it "because" of what he's encouraged me to have with my other partner. That feels too much "tit for tat" for me. Obviously I've felt terrible about the double standard, but telling him to call it off was never something I was going to do. This is, and always has been, about me getting to a better place with this all and processing it now, instead of feeling blindsided if/when he does fall in love with her. I'm doing this because I love him and I want him to be happy, and I know he wants the same thing for me.

All of these posts keep reaffirming that we're going about this in the "right"/healthy way. I've planned something for the night he's going to see her (likely either this weekend or next), we're planning time to spend just the two of us bonding (not just processing more), and we're talking very openly about everything. I've asked to meet her (with him) over coffee tomorrow, so I can get to know her a bit better. If I can let go of some of my anxieties, I know I'll like her, because he likes her. I've been able to let go of many of my fears by sharing them here and talking to him. It's made me even closer to him, knowing how responsive and caring he's been about everything I've been struggling with.

Several people mentioned that the anticipation may be worse than it happening. I very much believe this, because even the physical intimacy that has occurred, I'm actually more okay with that than I thought I would be. He gets that it's not just about them having sex, that it's about what will likely happen after that. It's taking a big leap of faith that it'll be okay, even wonderful and enriching in both of lives, but I know we have the kind of relationship where it will be.
 
Sounds like you are feeling a lot better prepared. That's a good sign!
 
I hope things work out well for you and that your fears disappear for you as you learn to process and confront them. :)
 
I am glad that you worked out a lot for yourself and are feeling better after discussing things with the husband. I just want to address the fears you mentioned. You've said several times that you generally are not a very jealous person, but yet you have this fear of the possibility he will fall in love with someone else, even though you love your BF and that is obviously okay.

There is a difference between feelings that arise in response to a stimulus in the moment, and fears that are a product of our thoughts and belief systems. For example, if you were walking down the street and a car jumped the curb and was heading toward you, your adrenaline would spike, you'd be afraid for your life, and would quickly run away to save yourself. Your fear would have risen up organically, in response to a stimulus in the moment. However, many fears stem from thoughts and beliefs we have, and most of those have been instilled in us by society, family, religion, cultural influences, etc., over time. We can work ourselves into a tizzy by just thinking about something. Many of those thoughts and belief systems are just the thoughts and belief systems we observed in the world around us (mostly our families) and unconsciously adopted as our own. Most of our strategies for living are based on the observations we make in our early years, so they are very ingrained in our defense mechanisms and emotional responses to life.

So, these beliefs still run silently in the background like computer programs, even though we grow and learn new ways of being and have developed our own personal senses of reason and logic, new ideas and beliefs, and have openly challenged the status quo. When something happens that bumps up against those old beliefs, the computer (brain) activates that program (belief), which causes certain thoughts and fears to arise, even when our logic tells us we "shouldn't" react this way.

In Western culture, we are taught that committed partnerships like husband and wife are meant to be lifelong and monogamous. We are taught that there is only one great love in life and that if we fall in love with one person, we cannot love anyone else that deeply. Which, of course, isn't true. We love lots of people in our lives, but we're also taught that if we fall in love with one person and are having sex with them, that we can't be in love and have sex with anyone else. Jeez, there are cultures where "being in love" isn't even a factor for successful, satisfying relationships - but we are brought up to believe that there is a problem with the relationship, or with ourselves, if these Western ideals are not met. Anything that challenges those assertions can be seen as a threat. Women are also taught that men are basically untrustworthy and will always cheat, and we are nothing without a man, or inadequate if we don't have a monogamous marriage. So, even though we may be rebels, rationalists, forward thinkers, Relationship Anarchists, and so on, this is all the shit we have been fed from before we could walk, and it has already had its influence on us.

In your case, you may simply have been programmed to feel threatened and afraid if your husband loves another person besides you. Even though you have personally experienced the fact that you can love more than one person and have two loving relationships, you're having a reaction to the idea of him loving someone else. This tells me the fear is likely based on beliefs/programming and is a response to the thoughts you've been taught to have in this situation. "OMG, my husband wants to be with someone else, and he could fall in love with her! Noo-o-o-ooo, it shouldn't be that way!!" Or the fact that you spend much less time with your BF than your husband would spend with this new woman in his life, could bring up thoughts in you that anything unequal is unfair, or that you've deferred something for him, or that if he has more time with her he isn't appreciating the sacrifice you're making by not being with your BF more often - the beliefs could be anything, they don't have to be rational.

The best way I have found to handle this is to keep developing my self-awareness. I know that I can't erase that old programming completely, but I don't have to pay credence to it and give in to any fears that it provokes. Basically, if I have an irrational response that is out of proportion to the actual situation in reality, I figure it's my programming and try to take an objective stance to look at it. "Oh, there's that feeling again, hmm. Oh, there are those thoughts again." and get on with my life. Eventually I see the connection between taught emotional responses and the thoughts that generate them, and it becomes like wallpaper I don't notice anymore, or background static on the radio, and won't have power over me.

All the best to you.
 
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Remember you don't have to meet her if you don't want to. Nate has had a couple dozen sex partners since weve been together and the majority I've never met. And the first couple years were hard for me. Often id just take. Sleeping pill and go to bed so i didnt have to sit ip waiting for him to come h o me, my stomache in knots. Now years later he can spend the night elaewhere and im comfortable with it. Also seems like single woman don't stick around long, a lot of the time they have fun with Nate until they meet someone new.
 
*Update*

Thank you to everyone again for your kind responses. I know that being able to talk here is one of the main reasons why I'm getting through all of this. I especially appreciate hearing that it is understandably hard for me to deal with this, despite having my own relationship with my guy. I definitely remembered times when I felt disconnected from my husband from all the NRE, and it's scary.

So I did end up meeting her last week, which I'm glad I did. I felt that since him going over to her house would likely be a more regular thing and because it was inevitable that I would meet her at some point (I should explain that they work together), it would be helpful to meet her now before it progressed any further. It was. I like her, and I can see why he likes her.

I should also add that one of the things I was struggling with last week when I posted the first time is that I had talked to my husband about whether they might be physically intimate at work. He had said probably not, which I misinterpreted as no and felt like "ok, so I don't have to be worried about that happening. It'll be when he plans a date with her." I had told him that I was okay with them being physically intimate (except sex *just yet*, which I became more accepting of a few days later). The next day, I learned that they had been physically intimate (not sex) at work, and I felt really hurt because I wasn't prepared for it. I thought it would be more of a planned thing, something I could predict. After talking a lot, he told me he understood how that might hurt me and he apologized. And I owned up to the fact that I hadn't set an explicit boundary and how he might not realize in the moment how I'd feel about that. I thought we had moved past that.

After talking and me feeling more comfortable, my husband and she decided to meet up last week, with the understanding that they would likely have sex and that I was accepting of this. It was a pretty hard day for me, full of anxiety and feeling nauseous, but I took comfort in people's responses on this forum that the anticipation may be worse than it happening. I reached out to my guy and spend a wonderful night with him, albeit apart due to our LDR. He was there for me in a way I never could have imagined, and I let him how much that meant to me. I got through it.

The following day, my husband and I spent the day relaxing, but I was apprehensive to ask him anything about the date. I wanted to get reconnected with him first, and as I was starting to feel closer to him again, I offhandly asked him if he had used protection with her, with the expectation that he would reassure me he had. He told me he hadn't. We had talked about that before his date, with me frequently saying that I would feel more comfortable if he did, at least for the first time, at least while I'm still trying to get through all this. He told me that he planned to. He talked with her prior to their date about STDs and believed her when she said she had been tested, but I told him I'd just feel better if they used protection.

So when I found out he hadn't, I felt very hurt and betrayed, again. I felt like I'm trying so hard to accept him being in this new relationship, the first outside of our marriage, when we had been mono for so long, and he continues to push me into areas that aren't comfortable for me. I hadn't set an explicit boundary about protection, but I felt that I didn't need to, since he said he would. I also didn't think it would bother me as much as it is, and I don't feel comfortable setting boundaries unless I'm fully convinced that I need to. He explained that he thought that the protection was just for the STDs, and that after learning that wasn't a problem, then I wouldn't be bothered by it any longer. I realized that I was not comfortable with him not using protection not just on the STD level (since I have only met her once and have to trust that he trusts her word), but that I wasn't comfortable with that level of intimacy. It felt like he keeps trying me to get comfortable with things that I'm working on getting comfortable with, but am not there yet. He kept saying that he wouldn't have done it if he thought it would bother me. It's hard for me to understand that, since I had said it many times. I know I didn't set an explicit boundary, but at the core of it, I kept reminding him that I never would have done something with my guy if it were even a gray area for him. If there was any level of discomfort voiced by him, it wouldn't have happened. And it felt that I wasn't given that same benefit. The conversation ended terribly, with me getting very upset and angry at him, saying some painful things, and him leaving for several hours, feeling badly about what had happened. He came home, we talked, we hugged, we cried.

Since then, he has been feeling better. And I haven't. I continue to feel hurt by his constant pushing me into areas that I'm not comfortable with. I feel like he's not grateful for all the "stretching" I've been doing over the past few weeks to make myself get to a place where I'm okay with all of this. I feel like I'm bending over backwards to get to a better place with this and that he continues to do things that leave me feeling like the only thing I can do is accept it. With the lack of protection, it's already happened, so there's nothing I can do but accept it. It's about me getting over it, because even setting a boundary now doesn't fix anything, doesn't make me feel any better. I felt like this is very similar to our discussions about him and her being intimate at work, where it was another gray area that we hadn't fully come to a conclusion. I felt like after that discussion, he would recognize how hurtful acting on gray areas were for me. I thought I was being clear about what I wasn't comfortable with, although I hadn't recognized that it was the level of intimacy that was hard more than the STDs. I think I can process all I want beforehand, but things that I didn't expect would be hard are harder after they happen.

It just leaves me feeling bitter that my only option is to get over it. I'm trying to own up to my responsibility for not being clearer in my communication, but part of me feels hurt that he isn't extra sensitive to my concerns, given that he sees how hard this is for me to process. I'm so tired of constantly being the one who has to process things and feeling anxious, while he's all wrapped up in his NRE. And it's frustrating that he feels like things are all better with us, but I let him know I'm still struggling. I don't know how to move past all this, and he doesn't know how to help me. It's hard not to feel like our trust has been damaged to some degree, and that our trust was what was helping me get through all this.
 
Trust being broken is hard to recover from, especially when you feel like you're in a situation that forces you into choices that feel wrong all the way around. I don't have any advice about how to proceed from here. I do have a cyber hug for you though. I hope you're able to find a way through this without too much pain.
 
I could definitely use a cyber hug right now, so thank you so much.

I know I'll get through this...I'm just pretty tired of being the one who has to get through all this, get over all this, accept all this, using up so much of my time and energy processing all this...
 
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