I am sorry you struggle with emotional management right now. You both have a lot, but different types.
1) Is it reasonable to ask my husband to slow down if I'm still struggling with us? Is switching to once a week a reasonable request, if the assumption is I just need a bit of time, not that this is a permanent "rule," and that while we're moving towards a non-hierarchical model of poly, we may not be there just yet?
I think another approach could be to keep the 2 nights a week thing and ask him for what you need in terms of
- before care
- during care
- after care
Or ask him and her if they are willing to return to 1 night and go back to the 2 night thing on X date instead. Cuz you jumped the gun a bit on your end. You can always
ask. Each is free to answer yes willing or not willing.
But regardless of number? I think this is about before, during and after care. Some of this stuff you just have to learn "out in the field." You might not know you need/want it til the occasion arises.
Part of the price of admission is learning this stuff -- so could lean into it rather than away. I do not think you need time. I think you need to practice boundaries. And since this is one of your skills to grow, you feel the pinch extra right now.
You put their needs ahead of yours. Maybe hoping to have him do same back so everyone is seen to. Like you run around the plane putting people's oxygen masks on for them, hoping someone will do yours... and gasping in the meanwhile.
More effective to me is to see to yourself, see to your healthy boundaries. Be sure you are doing ok. Then gift the extra help to people. Put your OWN mask on first, then see who you can help out. But in the meanwhile, you can still breathe.
TRANSITION STUFF
I think you guys could talk about ways to make the transition time easier. If your life with him is bills, and work and never any dates, it's hard not to envy him having dates with her.
You Things
Before he goes, you need to address
feeling disconnected, not special, insecure. He could take the time to snuggle you, tell you he appreciates you efforts in this, etc. Figure our what your "before care" rituals/activities/date things will be. A game of Scrabble, a movie at home, time on the hobbies, etc.
During the time apart, you need some kind of something to deal with the
feeling scared -- be it a good night text or call or something. Not long so it doesn't intrude on their time, but a "touch up."
When he returns, some kind of after-care reconnection thing
first. Not dive into his problems with his other relationships as soon as he gets home. Do the reconnections rituals with you first, tend to the (you +him) layer first before you try to do anything about the
you <--> (him + her)
layer of it like listening to his couple problems with her. You cannot be a good listening ear for that if on the (you + him) layer you feel yucky.
Ask for these things up front and direct. (Put your own mask on first.) Cannot rely on him to stumble upon it or see the need. He's a newbie hinge and not sensitive to that at this point in time. It is what it is.
He is also not a mind reader. Even if he doesn't think to ask? Ultimately it is your responsibility to report the weather with whatever is going on with you. Speak up. Make it known. Know and state your changing wants, needs, and limits.
Your current wants/needs are
- I want him to respect my need to work on us.
- I want him to be receptive to slowing things down a bit
- I want him to understand I am working very hard on my own to get there
- I want him to recognize the fact that I've already gotten more comfortable with about a million things that have happened in the past month since they started their relationship
- (Unspoken: I want him to thank me for me efforts?)
Have you asked him simply? "Could you be willing to see my efforts and thank me for them and appreciate me for them? Cuz this is hard, and I need to be seen."
2) How do I manage my frustrations that he's not seeking support outside of me? Or perhaps unhook from his feelings, while still being there for him?
I think you could encourage him to seek support outside of you during the transition time.
- If he overshares, tell him he is oversharing at this time. Cliff Notes with you right now, not Steven King novel. You can take about 5 lbs, but if he has 50 lb load he just has to find other place for the remaining 45 lb. You are full to capacity.
- If you are the wrong person -- tell him it is not you at this time. He can tell her, a friend, whoever.
This is your skill to grow -- boundary setting. You set them for YOU so you can be healthiest in transition time.
It is ok to tell him you eventually want to get to the place where you can share stuff like that in greater capacity but at this time it's too big a load to handle.
You cannot be his hinge support system as he learns how to hinge. You have your plate full learning how to meta. Spread the load around some.
His Things
Him missing her -- he can't go tell HER this stuff? He's been in the habit of telling you everything as spouse before, and it will take a learning to curve to realize he has another person he can tell things to as well as WHAT things to tell WHICH person WHEN. Information management skills.
Not like trying to be sneaky and hide things, but like more EFFECTIVE communication.
I could tell my husband the kid needs to put her lunchbox up after school and not leave scraggy food in there. Am I telling the
right person at the
right time? Cuz right now he's at work. What do I expect him to do about scraggy lunch boxes? More effective is not to saddle him with that data but tell the child! She is here. It's her lunchbox!
If he misses her, tell her. If he's happy with her, tell HER. Could tell you the lightweight Cliff Notes "Yes, I am happy" but not bog you down with the Steven King novel during the transition time. Later on when you are more settled and not in transition, THEN you can get into the longer version with him if he wants to share with you.
This is what I mean about learning to figure out information management. Right person, right time, right amount.
HIM AND ME THINGS
3) Are there other things I'm missing in all this?
I think there is an area of "us things" that could improve communication and problem solving wise.
He reacted very strongly to this, explaining how badly he felt about how hard this has been for me and wondering if it's even worth having a relationship with her when it keeps causing me pain and making him feel guilty that she makes him happy. This is not at ALL what I intended and I continued to clarify this over and over again.
Could move ON to finding the tools to reduce frustration.
Could maybe learn to bubble map -- use a tool like that to help figure out what topics need talking out. (Google "bubble map" if you want templates. A double bubble map might help you sort the things that are your stuff, his stuff, and our shared stuff. )
Could say something like
"I see that you feel bad this is hard for me. I am ok with this being hard for me. I know it is transition time stuff and it is part of the price of admission. I want THIS conversation to be about that bubble though. Brainstorm how we can help me feel not as rough.
I see that you wonder if it's worth it -- that's ok. That is what we are finding out. That could be a bubble conversation of its own.
I see that she makes you happy but you struggle with the cost of that happiness -- you feeling guilty. That could be another bubble conversation.
But we cannot hold multiple conversations all at once here.
I am asking for just one bubble, one of MY bubbles this time. Are you willing and able to have that deep conversation at this time?
Or could it be we are better off spending this time "going wide" rather than "deep" and just draw out the current bubble map of things we need to talk about in general and call it good for today?"
You guys sound on the learning curve. Nothing horrible, but... room to grow.
He
gives up too easy at this point in time.
You
give in too easy at this point in time.
Both seem a bit hypersensitive right now and wobbly.
I mean that kindly, not judge-y at all.
Keep going -- learn the skills, you both will gain confidence.
Galagirl
