Poly coming-out to myself while in a mono relationship

[DragonFruitHunter]

Hello,
First of all thanks for reading me
So the gist is this : I am in a long term monogamous relationship with my partner. No possibility of it being poly. I am very much in love and I adore our relationship.
But, a couple of years ago, I had a major crush on someone else. Nothing happened and I decided to stop being friend with that guy because it was putting a huge strain on my relationship. But since then there where moments I felt very frustrated/sad. I realized post-crush that I am pretty sure I am poly and that I am missing the thrill of new relationships as well as being able to connect with other people without the stress of jealousy and boundaries dictated by normative mono relationships.

Also this is fairly new to me and I've got those conflicting feelings: I feel like going forward I am preventing myself from knowing a part of me I would really like to explore. VS. Sometimes I feel like I am being ungrateful and self-sabotaging myself with this desire to run wild and free.

While I am happy and do not see myself breaking up I day dream about freedom and having a totally different life.
I have decided to wait it out for now and staying honest with my partner (who knows all of this) but wondering about those of you who do/did long-term mono relationships. Did/do you feel content?
​

 

[FallenAngelina]

wondering about those of you who do/did long-term mono relationships. Did/do you feel content?
​

"Long term" in your 20s can be 3 years. "Long term" to someone in her 60s feels more like 20 or 30 years. My experience is that most people in their younger years experience overlap in their affections when their relationships get to be "long term," and begin to want to explore others. I'm wondering what you mean when you say long term. How long have you been in this relationship?

 

[DragonFruitHunter]

Hello
Thanks for answering
I'm 29 my relationship is 6 years old

 

[dingedheart]

How many serious relationships have you had ?? And how long were those relationships.

Is the long term relationship that you‘re in right now a legal marriage ?? If NOT are there plans for that ?

I think if you’re having these reoccurring thoughts and feeling on being free and wild and having this poly identity your NOT ever going to be happy and content. The kettle is on the fire and steam will eventually have to vent. Better to make the necessary life changes now Instead of chaining yourself to a life you resent.

 

[tdh]

So a question to be asked is can monogamous people have crushes or if any desires of others means they aren't monogamous?

Think monogamy in itself is generally misunderstood as couples sometimes do not talk about what it means to them. They just get in one and assume the rules based on past ideals. People who are "monogamous" I have seen be okay with:
-Have romantic and/or sexual crushes on friends/couples
-Have cybersex with other people with their partners knowledge
-Openly flirt with everyone
-Bring people in to spice it up
-have non-monogamous fantasies
-look but don't touch type of agreements
-And more...

Are you all clear on what monogamy means to both of you and shared it? It is worth while to ask and negotiate these things because assuming gets people in trouble when they don't align

 

[kdt26417]

Hello DragonFruitHunter,

When I first heard of polyamory and decided it was for me, I was in a stage where I was rebelling against everything. I was born and raised a Latter-day Saint (Mormon), and it had just been a few years since I had quit the church. I was going through a difficult time, and did not feel content most of the time. I quickly fell in love with a married woman, and she did some research, and discovered that you could be polyamorous. I was very much in favor of this idea. I think you may be in the early stages of just discovering polyamory; you have to decide if it is right for you. While polyamory is not for everyone, monogamy is not for everyone either. You might be hardwired for polyamory. If so, you are going to need to crush on the guy you stopped being friends with, or at least be free to crush on other guys.

I hope you can work this out.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Polycurious_Adam]

I was in a monogamous relationship for 11 years with my poly partner before I was able to understand poly well enough to seriously consider it for myself. Being mono gave me an illusion of security through fidelity, and I swallowed it whole. It didn't stop me from feeling jealous or possessive, it just made me feel so guilty to have those feelings, that I tried to deny they even existed. Not healthy. Not for me. I was depressed for most of those 11 years, and didn't even know it until I let go.

 

[GalaGirl]

I feel like going forward I am preventing myself from knowing a part of me I would really like to explore.

Which is what exactly?

Sometimes I feel like I am being ungrateful and self-sabotaging myself with this desire to run wild and free.

What is "wild and free" to you? Like polyamory for you means playing the field? Or maybe it means having more committed partners and committments? Or something in between?

While I am happy and do not see myself breaking up I day dream about freedom and having a totally different life.

Sounds like you mean you are happy with this partner. But unhappy that you don't have other partners. Is that true?

What kind of different life?

I have decided to wait it out for now and staying honest with my partner (who knows all of this)

What are you waiting for? Time to do more soul searching? See if feelings change? To stumble upon a game changing relationship that provides you impetus to change so it's like leaving for a new partner and not like leaving for the great unknown? Something else?

wondering about those of you who do/did long-term mono relationships. Did/do you feel content?

Been closed through parenting for years though I had more than one partner as a young adult. If poly partners were not in place before babies, I didn't want to start lookin during parenting. Children get attached. And love might be infinite, but time and energy is not. Our agreement changed from "closed during kids" to "closed during kids and eldercare" because what would we do? Have our dates help chase dementia elders around with us?

It's been a long time of this. It's gotten better as some of the elders have passed on and we get closer to empty nest. Less people needing time and attention, less pressure. I'm looking forward to time alone with spouse first. Then figuring out what I want next if we open again.

In that time yes, I've been content and happy closed. I think because I never had the problem of discovering I was poly after marriage or serious relationship. DH knew it all going in from the start. There were no surprises. No angst. No feeling bad.

I think it's harder for people who don't know themselves very well who come to this discovery later. Like when the discovery comes after the serious relationship/marriage and doing that for a while. And that's the wake up call. Like "Wait.... I thought this was for me. It was what I wanted. But now I realize it's not. Crap! Now what!?"

To that I say better to decide sooner than later. Whatever sooner is. Better to end a long term relationship than engagement. Better break off engagement than go thru the motions of marriage. Better end a marriage before children. Better to end a marriage with kids than stay together "for the kids" just extending fighting or not getting to move on romantically. And so on down the line.

There's nothing wrong with monogamy or poly or whatever people want to do.

But I think there IS something wrong with people using someone as their "security blanket" partner. Esp if that partner is monogamous. Because using them as a security blanket kinda strings them along and robs them of having a partner that is more compatible and wants the same things they do -- monogamy. I think using them as some kind of "place holder" person is not kind.

I'm not saying you are doing that to your partner.

But I do encourage you to do your soul searching. Be honest about this new discovery about yourself with your partner. Self educate. Put a clock on it for when to make the final decision.

If they are not up for mono-poly? And you are not up for monogamy so its closed for them where you can talk about your poly thoughts and feelings so you aren't going bottle up? You both may have to accept that you have incompatible wants and skip banging heads on wall.

I see posts here sometimes like "It would be perfect except this one small thing...."

It is not a small thing. It is fundamentally opposite values. Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship long term. And sometimes the last loving act in a relationship is to gently let go.

Could be better to good exes and friends instead or romantic partners.

And end it to let each other move on to find more compatible partners without guilt or hang ups.

So... probably a lot to think about. Take the time to do your soul searching.

Galagirl

 

[DragonFruitHunter]

Hello

Thanks for answering

How many serious relationships have you had ?? And how long were those relationships.

Is the long term relationship that you‘re in right now a legal marriage ?? If NOT are there plans for that ?

I think if you’re having these reoccurring thoughts and feeling on being free and wild and having this poly identity your NOT ever going to be happy and content. The kettle is on the fire and steam will eventually have to vent. Better to make the necessary life changes now Instead of chaining yourself to a life you resent.

Well me being married doesn't really changes anything in the country I live in. I'm committed to my relationship so from my point of view it is the same. I am not married.

I've had a couple of relationships before. Not as long/serious as the one I am in now.

So a question to be asked is can monogamous people have crushes or if any desires of others means they aren't monogamous?

Thanks Tdh. I don't think I am confused regarding what is polyamory. Even though I know I am unexperienced on the topic. I am not interested in one night stands, etc. I am interested in connections and being able to love more than one person at the same time. It has happened to me before (having feelings for two people at the same time) and I don't feel like choosing between one person or the other is the way to go as I feel it is the most painful path and the least enriching. Also not a fan of normative relationships.

When I first heard of polyamory and decided it was for me, I was in a stage where I was rebelling against everything. I was born and raised a Latter-day Saint (Mormon), and it had just been a few years since I had quit the church. I was going through a difficult time, and did not feel content most of the time. I quickly fell in love with a married woman, and she did some research, and discovered that you could be polyamorous. I was very much in favor of this idea. I think you may be in the early stages of just discovering polyamory; you have to decide if it is right for you. While polyamory is not for everyone, monogamy is not for everyone either. You might be hardwired for polyamory. If so, you are going to need to crush on the guy you stopped being friends with, or at least be free to crush on other guys.

Thanks Kevin. Yes what you say does strikes a chord. I've been called rebellious once or twice... Though I don't know much about religious backgrounds I must say
Yes it was definitely hard to cut cords with that guy. Wondering about choices and commitment more than anything on that one.
I would like to be able to be able know that I am able to be poly but choosing to stay mono and be happy within my choice without daydreaming too much about what could be different. Letting go is sometimes complicated. Especially those days with staying at home etc and feeling trapped coming from more places than one.

I was in a monogamous relationship for 11 years with my poly partner before I was able to understand poly well enough to seriously consider it for myself. Being mono gave me an illusion of security through fidelity, and I swallowed it whole. It didn't stop me from feeling jealous or possessive, it just made me feel so guilty to have those feelings, that I tried to deny they even existed. Not healthy. Not for me. I was depressed for most of those 11 years, and didn't even know it until I let go.

Thanks for sharing Adam. Yes some of what you are saying hits close to home. It's just complex sometimes for me to understand if my stress is coming from this or just for example the pandemic or a hard day or anything I guess.

Wondering about how polyamorous people live their polyamory. Is it something you feel deeply rooted in you on which you cannot compromise or let's say a choice which agrees more with your values and way of living your life? Within that what are your experiences of/thoughts about closing your relationship for a mono partner? I think that's my main question for all of you

Which is what exactly?

What is "wild and free" to you? Like polyamory for you means playing the field? Or maybe it means having more committed partners and committments? Or something in between?

Thanks Galagirl! that's a long one.

"wild and free" I think it's more the fact that I know that if I was single again I would be alone for a while and able to reflect on myself freely without taking into account my partner's needs, which would be easier in most ways.

Sounds like you mean you are happy with this partner. But unhappy that you don't have other partners. Is that true?

What kind of different life?

Yes and no. I just would like to have the opportunity to pursue other people if I happened to have feelings for someone else as I was hurt not doing so in the past.

I guess just one in which I do what I want haha (respectfully). Going at my pace.

What are you waiting for? Time to do more soul searching? See if feelings change? To stumble upon a game changing relationship that provides you impetus to change so it's like leaving for a new partner and not like leaving for the great unknown? Something else?

It's more that I have grown within the last year and so has my relationship (in good ways). At some point it was very complicated emotionally for me/us but now I think we understand each other clearly and we are working things out healthily so I want to give all this a shot.

But I do encourage you to do your soul searching. Be honest about this new discovery about yourself with your partner. Self educate. Put a clock on it for when to make the final decision.

Doing all that as we speak

​

 

[kdt26417]

Hi DFH,

I think mono and poly lie along a slider; mono is at one end, poly at the other, and various percentages in between. Some people are 100% poly. It is deeply rooted in them, and they can't compromise on it. Other people are 60% poly. It's a choice which agrees more with their values and how they live their life. Someone who is 60% poly, can be mostly happy in a monogamous relationship. Someone who is 100% poly, can never be happy in a monogamous relationship.

Myself I am probably about 90% poly; I am at a point in my life where I believe in poly for me, but under extraordinary conditions I might be able to tolerate a monogamous life. I am in a three-person poly relationship (a V), but within that structure the relationship is already mostly closed. I could date someone new (a second partner for me), but there would be a lot of restrictions and caution signs if I did. Mostly the idea just doesn't spark my interest. Not right now. I have one partner, and my partner has two partners (me and my metamour). I am thus part of a polyamorous relationship, and that satisfies my belief system. I guess what I'm saying is, a closed poly relationship satisfies me, but a closed mono relationship probably wouldn't satisfy me. I say probably, like I said there might be extraordinary circumstances in which I might be okay with it.

I hope that answers your question? What's your "poly percentage?"
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hello

Thanks for answering

Well me being married doesn't really changes anything in the country I live in. I'm committed to my relationship so from my point of view it is the same. I am not married.

The reason I asked the questions on marriage was IMO a it’s going to be way easier to sort any sort of poly dynamic out before hand. Less hassle, less costly also it sets expectations in a comepletely different direction. SO if your long term relationship is headed in the marriage direction I think you need to have those conversations.

I've had a couple of relationships before. Not as long/serious as the one I am in now.

the more experience the better to know what you want...who you want , etc, etc.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi DFH,

I think mono and poly lie along a slider; mono is at one end, poly at the other, and various percentages in between. Some people are 100% poly. It is deeply rooted in them, and they can't compromise on it. Other people are 60% poly. It's a choice which agrees more with their values and how they live their life. Someone who is 60% poly, can be mostly happy in a monogamous relationship. Someone who is 100% poly, can never be happy in a monogamous relationship.

Myself I am probably about 90% poly; I am at a point in my life where I believe in poly for me, but under extraordinary conditions I might be able to tolerate a monogamous life.

I won’t argue with you assessment of a continuum but I hate to burst your poly bubble but you are living a monogamous life. Unless your tapping brother husband every Now again you’re mono bro. Sorry dude we’re going to have to ask for your fake ID back However this in NO way effects you duties or performance as the poly greeter . Which I have to say is outstanding . Nice job Kev.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[kdt26417]

Haha, thanks?

I consider myself to be poly because I'm in a poly situation, I consent to it, I am on board with it. Also I would be fine with the idea of me having two partners, should such a situation arise. I realize others' perspective on the subject may be different than mine, and that's okay too.

 

[TheExplorer]

Hello DragonFruitHunter:

You mentioned "I am missing the thrill of new relationships as well as being able to connect with other people without the stress of jealousy and boundaries dictated by normative mono relationships."

This alone tells me you are not happy with the confines of a monogamous relationship. Trying to convince yourself to accept your monogamous situation and be happy seems like it will lead you to a lot of resentment later on. Since you are openly communicating with your monogamous boyfriend, It could be possible that he allows you to open up later, but he may simply be doing it to appease you while deep down feeling uncomfortable about doing this. Unless you come to a point of peace where you can feel truly satisfied in this monogamous relationship and no longer feel a FOMO, down the road this will lead to problems.

You may ultimately find that you need to be in a relationship with one or more people who are on board with your concept of polyamory. Either they want to have the same freedom, or are totally cool with your need to explore while they have other focuses in life like family, career, or hobbies. And it's important to remember that unless you are in a totally casual unstructured situation or a firm believer in relationship anarchy with other like minded people, non-monogamous relationships still have boundaries because everyone has a comfort zone about where the boundaries lie. Any time you form the boundaries solely based on meeting your own needs...that's called cheating, even if the relationship is open. I personally know a couple who started out as an open relationship where they are each others primaries. But they still also have an agreement that wherever their wild oats take them, they come back together the next day. That is their limitation. Going on a 2-3 week tryst to another island with someone else is off limits for them. Like any type of open relationship, the limitations depends on what people involved negotiate. And as with any other relationship, people who feel like they are getting pushed around without their needs being met will become resentful.

Anyways best of luck with your situation. Everyone here will try to be helpful but ultimately you will make your own decisions. I personally am in a monogamous relationship - after meeting a woman I am really happy to be with, having this kind of exclusive physical intimacy is far preferable to having the freedom of something more open. On your end, if you are feeling an itch to look elsewhere, it could be an indication that you are not wired for monogamy, or it could simply be an indication that you are not satisfied with your partner.

Hope my insight is helpful?

 

[3908]

welcome to the forum,

I'm in a mono Christian marriage, had a lot of debates and discussions with my wife about me being interested in poly. it was very rocky, lots of fear/threats and accusations on my wifes part.

things settled down and she is ok with me being friends with one of her friends, non sexual. it is a special friendship because we can be affectionate and there is an emotional connection. I would say it is a compromise for me.

for me poly interest is a primary secondary environment, I am secure in my marriage to my wife, but from that security i feel a desire to have a secondary female friend.

if i was single, i think poly would be very hard for me due to not having a primary with a long term history foundation.
im still learning about myself in this journey, but i would say that if you are interested in poly, keep talking to your partner about it, casually try not to argue and keep the lines of communication open.

possible compromise for you, there is a process called a professional cuddler, where you can have physical contact with others, get paid good money 80$ and hour but not have a relationship. one site is www.cuddlist.com, and other is google cuddle sanctuary. my wife would not consent to this but it could be a non relationship option for you or others and the money is good $$

take care.

 

[Pixie25]

Hello,
First of all thanks for reading me
So the gist is this : I am in a long term monogamous relationship with my partner. No possibility of it being poly. I am very much in love and I adore our relationship.
But, a couple of years ago, I had a major crush on someone else. Nothing happened and I decided to stop being friend with that guy because it was putting a huge strain on my relationship. But since then there where moments I felt very frustrated/sad. I realized post-crush that I am pretty sure I am poly and that I am missing the thrill of new relationships as well as being able to connect with other people without the stress of jealousy and boundaries dictated by normative mono relationships.

Also this is fairly new to me and I've got those conflicting feelings: I feel like going forward I am preventing myself from knowing a part of me I would really like to explore. VS. Sometimes I feel like I am being ungrateful and self-sabotaging myself with this desire to run wild and free.

While I am happy and do not see myself breaking up I day dream about freedom and having a totally different life.
I have decided to wait it out for now and staying honest with my partner (who knows all of this) but wondering about those of you who do/did long-term mono relationships. Did/do you feel content?
​

Hey, I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I understand. I am in the same exact situation. I want to stay with my boyfriend but also want to meet new people. He thinks it would be too painful for him to know I'm seeing other people, but it's painful for me to suppress this part of myself too. I don't want to have to choose, I want both him and others but right now I don't know how it will be possible. I especially understand what you said about having mixed feelings about your own desire to see other people. Sometimes I want to fight the idea that monogamy is the "correct" way and embrace my feelings, but other times I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself that I'm not satisfied with the amazing partner I have.