Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people
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Semienigma
New member
Now that I think about it, online might be the way to go. There isn't much around here, and clubbing isn't my thing. Plus, I'm kinda self conscious. I really don't know how all these large women around me have boyfriends. Lol
SuddenlyStoneElf
New member
Finding like-minded people re: poly arrangements
Hey guys!
Been reading silently for a while, and am seeing patterns in how various people approach and express polyamory.
From what I have read, it seems to me that many of you have specific kinds (or styles) of poly you are engaged in currently: hierarchical or not, married or not, interested casual encounters and/or deep intimacy, family-oriented (with/without kids) or even extended family, with your partners' partners with/without kids, and the level of involvement of these kids in your particular lives, etc.
So, how did you personally find the people closest to you who matched your ability to live polyamorously? For example, did your relationships develop based on mutually-shared preferences for how you want to live and experience polyamory? Did you look for people who matched your specific preferences in poly style?
Or were you rather flexible--are the current forms of your relationships resulting more from what works with whomever you have dated, meaning your life would have been very different based on who you'd have dated vs what it is now?
---
I'd also like your opinions on how you came to find any like-minded people as far as your poly arrangements go. Did you mostly frequent dating/social sites for that?
Has anyone just "met" people that were open to the idea, without it being on a dating or social site specifically for that purpose?
For some reason, purpose-driven places turn me right off. I'm wondering if that's shooting myself in the foot. I find myself uninterested in joining a poly community in person because I don't want to find myself involved in many lives all of a sudden. Over here the group seems close-knit, with everyone knowing a bunch about everyone else's partners. That's too much for me. I'm a hardcore introvert!
And yes, I'm aware this post probably sounds clueless, but I have always been clueless at dating. 100% of my dates and boyfriends have been people I've met through chance, unintentionally, through friends or family, or more rarely by engaging in activities I care about. I have never had to go looking for a date, and never "put myself on the market" for one either.
I guess I wouldn't know where to get started, being who I am!
Thanks for reading.
Hey guys!
Been reading silently for a while, and am seeing patterns in how various people approach and express polyamory.
From what I have read, it seems to me that many of you have specific kinds (or styles) of poly you are engaged in currently: hierarchical or not, married or not, interested casual encounters and/or deep intimacy, family-oriented (with/without kids) or even extended family, with your partners' partners with/without kids, and the level of involvement of these kids in your particular lives, etc.
So, how did you personally find the people closest to you who matched your ability to live polyamorously? For example, did your relationships develop based on mutually-shared preferences for how you want to live and experience polyamory? Did you look for people who matched your specific preferences in poly style?
Or were you rather flexible--are the current forms of your relationships resulting more from what works with whomever you have dated, meaning your life would have been very different based on who you'd have dated vs what it is now?
---
I'd also like your opinions on how you came to find any like-minded people as far as your poly arrangements go. Did you mostly frequent dating/social sites for that?
Has anyone just "met" people that were open to the idea, without it being on a dating or social site specifically for that purpose?
For some reason, purpose-driven places turn me right off. I'm wondering if that's shooting myself in the foot. I find myself uninterested in joining a poly community in person because I don't want to find myself involved in many lives all of a sudden. Over here the group seems close-knit, with everyone knowing a bunch about everyone else's partners. That's too much for me. I'm a hardcore introvert!
And yes, I'm aware this post probably sounds clueless, but I have always been clueless at dating. 100% of my dates and boyfriends have been people I've met through chance, unintentionally, through friends or family, or more rarely by engaging in activities I care about. I have never had to go looking for a date, and never "put myself on the market" for one either.
I guess I wouldn't know where to get started, being who I am!
Thanks for reading.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I've been rather flexible, I think, though I initially started out looking for polyfidelity. Family style poly really appealed to me. I've dated and slept around with different guys who werelooking for anything but polyfi, though. I could have ended up in a different structure. However, it was always an over-arcing goal of mine, or a dream of mine, or a preference maybe, to try and secure a polyfi arrangement. PunkRock was coming from a monogamous standpoint and he really wanted stability and a long-term relationship, so we just fit. I would have been happy with him in another style of poly though. It is more about the person and less about the poly structure for me, whenever I am dating. When I meet someone, I ask myself, how could this person fit?
I did lots of online dating on OKC. However, the relationships that feel right have been people I've run into in real life. OKC just leaves me feeling hollow and sad after initial manic-like highs. Fuck that.
Yep.
Inyourendo
New member
Nate messaged me on MySpace. He actually thought it was "too cool" for him. But he'd recently moved into the area and was networking to promote his comic. When we decided to be together I told him I wanted an open relationship. Mostly I was interested in the sexual aspect of being open, but eventually that changed for me because I found no joy in casual sex.
I met Sam through work and a friend. He thought I was a swinger. (My friend told him that.) But he wasn't interested in dating a married women. Two years later I asked him for a date and he agreed.
I've never had good luck on dating sites.
I met Sam through work and a friend. He thought I was a swinger. (My friend told him that.) But he wasn't interested in dating a married women. Two years later I asked him for a date and he agreed.
I've never had good luck on dating sites.
I met Hubby, S2, and my ex-boyfriend Guy through AdultFriendFinder, which bills itself as an "adult dating" site. In other words, a place for people to find *sex* partners, not necessarily *life* partners.
Clearly I found both with Hubby. We met in May 2008 and were exclusive from that point; we both agreed we wouldn't see other people, and when we married in April 2010, it was a monogamous marriage.
Fast-forward three and a half years, when in response to some incompatibilities in our relationship styles and sexual needs, Hubby suggested we open the marriage. No more monogamy... but at first, the "open" was supposed to be purely sexual. Friendship with other partners was okay; Hubby and I agreed that if stronger feelings developed for someone else, we would cut ties with that person. Each prospective partner was told this up front.
We both used AFF to find other partners. Hubby "hooked up" with one woman and decided the whole thing wasn't for him. That was nearly two years ago now. He's been monogamous, both emotionally and sexually, ever since.
Guy and I started as friends-with-benefits. Two months after he left our area to go home to the midwest, I admitted, first to myself and then to Hubby, that I had stronger feelings for Guy than friendship. I told Hubby that loving more than one man felt natural and right to me, but I also told him I was willing to keep our agreement and cut ties with Guy. Hubby said not to. He was the first to use the word "polyamory", and while he doesn't completely understand how I feel or why, he accepts it. So for a bit over a year, Guy and I had a long-distance relationship. (That ended in October; details are in my blog.)
From September 2013 until last summer, I chose to be with only Hubby and Guy, and not seek any other partners. Hubby maintained his monogamy. Guy, because of the distance thing, found other sexual partners, but chose not to have any emotional involvement beyond friendship. I stayed on AFF, as I had pretty much all along, because I have friends there and I like to chat with them, but I ignored any overtures from other men. And then S2 emailed me.
S2's marriage ended-- in a very friendly, respectful way-- last spring. At the time he and I met, he hadn't been with a woman other than his wife in something like 17 years. He was interested in polyamory; he'd researched it because his wife initially suggested it as a possible way to keep their marriage together, but they'd decided against it. And because he was just out of a marriage and wasn't keen on diving into another closely-committed monogamous situation, the fact that I was married completely worked for him. He went on one date with another woman and told me he felt like he was cheating on me, even though I'd encouraged him. And then something happened as a result of that date that caused him to decide to be exclusive with me. He and I have agreed that his end of our V remains open if he chooses to exercise that option, but right now, he's not exercising it. I'm now with only S2 and Hubby, with no desire whatsoever for any other partners.
So, long story short...
Hubby was initially insistent on monogamy, but changed that because we had some sexual compatibility issues that he felt would be best addressed by finding other sexual partners. (He was right, by the way.) When I developed feelings for another man, Hubby identified it as polyamory and gave me the go-ahead to live poly, but he considers himself "wired" for monogamy.
Guy didn't care one way or another, but because he travels extensively for his job, the fact that I was married to someone else worked for him, because he didn't have to worry about me being lonely or ignored when he wasn't around. He doesn't label anything, but during the time I was with him, he was polysexual, but not polyamorous.
S2 prefers the fact that I'm married because, at this point, he's enjoying living alone, not having to take care of or take full responsibility for another human being, and having the freedom to come and go as he pleases. He's still sorting out whether he considers himself polyamorous or monogamous, but for the time being, exclusivity with me works for him.
As for "like-minded" in terms of how to poly... All three of the men I've mentioned have followed my lead completely. So I guess they're like-minded in terms of "If KC thinks it will work this way and she's happy, we're cool with it." I did have a bit of a rough patch when I tried to explain to Hubby that I'm not okay with hierarchy... Hubby believed he should be my "number one" and Guy my "number two", and I had to make him understand that I didn't feel that way. In my polyverse, no partner is *more* important than another; they're important *differently*. Eventually we reached a place of peace with that when I told Hubby that, while he isn't "number one" over anyone else, he does have a larger *part* of my life by virtue of the fact that he's the one I actually live with. Both Hubby and S2 know I consider them equal as far as their place in my life and heart, and they're both okay with that.
Clearly I found both with Hubby. We met in May 2008 and were exclusive from that point; we both agreed we wouldn't see other people, and when we married in April 2010, it was a monogamous marriage.
Fast-forward three and a half years, when in response to some incompatibilities in our relationship styles and sexual needs, Hubby suggested we open the marriage. No more monogamy... but at first, the "open" was supposed to be purely sexual. Friendship with other partners was okay; Hubby and I agreed that if stronger feelings developed for someone else, we would cut ties with that person. Each prospective partner was told this up front.
We both used AFF to find other partners. Hubby "hooked up" with one woman and decided the whole thing wasn't for him. That was nearly two years ago now. He's been monogamous, both emotionally and sexually, ever since.
Guy and I started as friends-with-benefits. Two months after he left our area to go home to the midwest, I admitted, first to myself and then to Hubby, that I had stronger feelings for Guy than friendship. I told Hubby that loving more than one man felt natural and right to me, but I also told him I was willing to keep our agreement and cut ties with Guy. Hubby said not to. He was the first to use the word "polyamory", and while he doesn't completely understand how I feel or why, he accepts it. So for a bit over a year, Guy and I had a long-distance relationship. (That ended in October; details are in my blog.)
From September 2013 until last summer, I chose to be with only Hubby and Guy, and not seek any other partners. Hubby maintained his monogamy. Guy, because of the distance thing, found other sexual partners, but chose not to have any emotional involvement beyond friendship. I stayed on AFF, as I had pretty much all along, because I have friends there and I like to chat with them, but I ignored any overtures from other men. And then S2 emailed me.
S2's marriage ended-- in a very friendly, respectful way-- last spring. At the time he and I met, he hadn't been with a woman other than his wife in something like 17 years. He was interested in polyamory; he'd researched it because his wife initially suggested it as a possible way to keep their marriage together, but they'd decided against it. And because he was just out of a marriage and wasn't keen on diving into another closely-committed monogamous situation, the fact that I was married completely worked for him. He went on one date with another woman and told me he felt like he was cheating on me, even though I'd encouraged him. And then something happened as a result of that date that caused him to decide to be exclusive with me. He and I have agreed that his end of our V remains open if he chooses to exercise that option, but right now, he's not exercising it. I'm now with only S2 and Hubby, with no desire whatsoever for any other partners.
So, long story short...
Hubby was initially insistent on monogamy, but changed that because we had some sexual compatibility issues that he felt would be best addressed by finding other sexual partners. (He was right, by the way.) When I developed feelings for another man, Hubby identified it as polyamory and gave me the go-ahead to live poly, but he considers himself "wired" for monogamy.
Guy didn't care one way or another, but because he travels extensively for his job, the fact that I was married to someone else worked for him, because he didn't have to worry about me being lonely or ignored when he wasn't around. He doesn't label anything, but during the time I was with him, he was polysexual, but not polyamorous.
S2 prefers the fact that I'm married because, at this point, he's enjoying living alone, not having to take care of or take full responsibility for another human being, and having the freedom to come and go as he pleases. He's still sorting out whether he considers himself polyamorous or monogamous, but for the time being, exclusivity with me works for him.
As for "like-minded" in terms of how to poly... All three of the men I've mentioned have followed my lead completely. So I guess they're like-minded in terms of "If KC thinks it will work this way and she's happy, we're cool with it." I did have a bit of a rough patch when I tried to explain to Hubby that I'm not okay with hierarchy... Hubby believed he should be my "number one" and Guy my "number two", and I had to make him understand that I didn't feel that way. In my polyverse, no partner is *more* important than another; they're important *differently*. Eventually we reached a place of peace with that when I told Hubby that, while he isn't "number one" over anyone else, he does have a larger *part* of my life by virtue of the fact that he's the one I actually live with. Both Hubby and S2 know I consider them equal as far as their place in my life and heart, and they're both okay with that.
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Inyourendo
New member
I actually met a couple boyfriends on AFF back in the day. Funny how traditional dating sites didn't work out, but a sex site did.
Hi SuddenlyStoneElf,
My poly companions (Brother Husband, Snowbunny) and I came to the decision rather haphazardly at first that we wanted to form a poly unit. At first, we had never even heard of polyamory, nor knew there was such a thing. We discovered it through Snowbunny's research, which she did in trying to figure out how to solve the problem of being in love with a man (me) who was not her husband.
The main life objective we seem to have in common is that none of us want any kids. But that match was pretty much sheer good fortune. Other than that we seem to be compatible enough to live happily together.
We didn't meet each other on the internet, not at all. In fact, we met through attending at a Lutheran church, me as an organist/accompanist, them as choir members. We became platonic friends but then they moved away and we fell out of touch. Some years later, they reappeared in my life, and Snowbunny and I found ourselves working together closely in a professional vein at another Lutheran church. Our romantic feelings for each other slowly evolved from that.
So, our journey into poly was quite unplanned and had no itinerary. We had to figure it out as we went along.
Later on, I tried OKCupid for awhile, but got zero results as far as romantic connections are concerned (in fact less than zero but that's a long aggravating story).
All the romantic connections I have experienced in my life have come through meeting people in person, essentially by chance. Going out looking for romance has never worked for me.
There are no rules about how you're "supposed" to get into poly, and no deadlines on how soon you should find a "suitable dating partner." Take the time that you need. It suffices that you are open to the idea of multiple partners.
Just my thoughts on it,
Kevin T.
My poly companions (Brother Husband, Snowbunny) and I came to the decision rather haphazardly at first that we wanted to form a poly unit. At first, we had never even heard of polyamory, nor knew there was such a thing. We discovered it through Snowbunny's research, which she did in trying to figure out how to solve the problem of being in love with a man (me) who was not her husband.
The main life objective we seem to have in common is that none of us want any kids. But that match was pretty much sheer good fortune. Other than that we seem to be compatible enough to live happily together.
We didn't meet each other on the internet, not at all. In fact, we met through attending at a Lutheran church, me as an organist/accompanist, them as choir members. We became platonic friends but then they moved away and we fell out of touch. Some years later, they reappeared in my life, and Snowbunny and I found ourselves working together closely in a professional vein at another Lutheran church. Our romantic feelings for each other slowly evolved from that.
So, our journey into poly was quite unplanned and had no itinerary. We had to figure it out as we went along.
Later on, I tried OKCupid for awhile, but got zero results as far as romantic connections are concerned (in fact less than zero but that's a long aggravating story).
All the romantic connections I have experienced in my life have come through meeting people in person, essentially by chance. Going out looking for romance has never worked for me.
There are no rules about how you're "supposed" to get into poly, and no deadlines on how soon you should find a "suitable dating partner." Take the time that you need. It suffices that you are open to the idea of multiple partners.
Just my thoughts on it,
Kevin T.
Inyourendo, what amuses me about AFF is all the people who say "This is a sex site! You can't look for relationships here!"
Aside from Hubby and me (and Guy and me, and S2 and me) I can think of over a dozen couples I personally know who met on AFF. At least half of those couples have been together for over five years, and four of them are now married.
But it's "just for sex." lol
Aside from Hubby and me (and Guy and me, and S2 and me) I can think of over a dozen couples I personally know who met on AFF. At least half of those couples have been together for over five years, and four of them are now married.
But it's "just for sex." lol
I dont have the expertise in this area to give advice, but I did want to mention we have made some really good friends on AFF but more so on SLS. We have many friends from the swinging community and I am proud to say that most of these are the most real, sincere and reliable folks weve ever met.. We used to host quarterly socials, and I even earned the nickname Sultan (of Swing)!
Anyway... you just have to read between the lines and analyze those one night stands. My theory is even those single guys and girls that are looking for a hookup would gladly become involved in a relationship if the right opportunity afforded itself. I think most of us are looking for a person(or persons) to share our lives with. It's just that some take more than others.
Anyway... you just have to read between the lines and analyze those one night stands. My theory is even those single guys and girls that are looking for a hookup would gladly become involved in a relationship if the right opportunity afforded itself. I think most of us are looking for a person(or persons) to share our lives with. It's just that some take more than others.
GreenAcres
New member
I met my last GF online. It ended badly, but that can happen regardless of where you meet someone. All my other relationships have happened naturally, just meeting people with common interests.
That said, I have a fair amount of bonuses that make it easier for me than it may be for others: I am female (poly men generally have a harder time), bi (with a heavy preference for women) which expands my dating pool, have fairly social and physically-active hobbies that mean I regularly meet new people, etc.
That said, I have a fair amount of bonuses that make it easier for me than it may be for others: I am female (poly men generally have a harder time), bi (with a heavy preference for women) which expands my dating pool, have fairly social and physically-active hobbies that mean I regularly meet new people, etc.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Hmmm...I never actually "looked for" anyone. I never IDed as monogamous and never really expected to find myself in a "relationship" at all. I met Mr S at a party, and decided I wanted to sleep with him. A few months later that happened, so did other stuff, and, voila, I found myself in a relationship.
Yes. I was not "looking for" anything, just open to the possibilities that presented themselves.
I met both of my "primary" partners (i.e., the ones that I live with) in real life. They were introduced to the concept of poly by me. Also my two long-term female FWBs were friends-of-friends and just "happened" along.
We didn't join OKC until recently, which is where Dude met Lotus (he had been on Match before that). (I think I am the only one with a still active OKC account currently, not that I am doing anything with it, as I feel pretty poly-saturated at this point.)
ElkSun
New member
We have met almost everyone through OKCupid. It's nice because you can limit your interactions to only those who are poly or poly-friendly.
I have mingled with one poly community in our area. There were lots of people with varying personalities, intentions, gossip cliques, and big potential for widespread drama with the passing around of partners. I personally tend to veer away from big groups, group-think, ego and superficiality. I'm somewhat an individualist.
There is another poly community here that is considered a 'reading group' (a non-dating atmosphere) which I've thought about attending, but I haven't because I don't feel like dealing with all the potential assumptions made about poly guys who might show up by themselves (assumptions that I'm not really poly, or that I'm just there to date). I no longer have the patience nor inclination to prove myself to some skeptical group of people. My spouse and her other male partner would probably want to do something else with our time, anyway.
I'd rather interact with other poly people on either an individual or poly-family to poly-family basis, rather than in big groups.
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Norwegianpoly
New member
It started with me meeting my husband and marrying him. We were fine and dandy and relatively monogamous, until I fell in love with a man I had a sort of relationship with. It was not very sexual, but very romantic, and it lasted more than 4 intense years.
I got involved in the poly community and made friends there. My ideal was one primary and 1-2 secondary relationships. After I was finally able to shake my sort-of lover off me (he was communicating with niether me nor my husband, nor anyone else for that matter), I swore to only date people who were in the poly scene, thinking that would be safer, since people there, at least in theory, would have codes to follow.
Then I went and did the strangest thing. I met a guy abroad who was not really into romantic relationships before me, but his ideals are monogamous and he is also from a different country, culture and religion than me. He doesn't know what happened either, but for some reason he just started to adore me. Polyamory was difficult for him to grasp, but he did and does it for me.
It quickly became obvious that I now had two primary relationships and that we were going to be structured as polyfidelity. I made the promise early on to never have anyone else besides the two of them. I feel very fulfilled by my relationships, like I was always meant to be with these two.
We have our rough spots, but most of the time, our V seems to be working. The guys adore one another, and always have. Their personalities are rather similar. I travel internationally to make this happen, and right now my boyfriend is visiting me and my husband. It is not easy, but I do love them both, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
I have a rather big circle of polyamorous friends, some Vs, some family-structure type of relationships, some bordering swingers, some single poly folks. It is always interesting to see what happens in a poly network. Some live lives that are very different from mine, but somehow we are all in the same big poly-boat. For instance, there are legal challenges. I.e., I would like to be able to marry my boyfriend too, but right now that is not possible.
I got involved in the poly community and made friends there. My ideal was one primary and 1-2 secondary relationships. After I was finally able to shake my sort-of lover off me (he was communicating with niether me nor my husband, nor anyone else for that matter), I swore to only date people who were in the poly scene, thinking that would be safer, since people there, at least in theory, would have codes to follow.
Then I went and did the strangest thing. I met a guy abroad who was not really into romantic relationships before me, but his ideals are monogamous and he is also from a different country, culture and religion than me. He doesn't know what happened either, but for some reason he just started to adore me. Polyamory was difficult for him to grasp, but he did and does it for me.
It quickly became obvious that I now had two primary relationships and that we were going to be structured as polyfidelity. I made the promise early on to never have anyone else besides the two of them. I feel very fulfilled by my relationships, like I was always meant to be with these two.
We have our rough spots, but most of the time, our V seems to be working. The guys adore one another, and always have. Their personalities are rather similar. I travel internationally to make this happen, and right now my boyfriend is visiting me and my husband. It is not easy, but I do love them both, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
I have a rather big circle of polyamorous friends, some Vs, some family-structure type of relationships, some bordering swingers, some single poly folks. It is always interesting to see what happens in a poly network. Some live lives that are very different from mine, but somehow we are all in the same big poly-boat. For instance, there are legal challenges. I.e., I would like to be able to marry my boyfriend too, but right now that is not possible.
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IndieSolo
Active member
I'm a straight woman who practices poly as a solo. My style of poly is to be independent, autonomous, and to keep my relationships separate. I'm kind of in flux right now with regard to the people I'm seeing, but how it usually works for me is to be fairly flexible. For me, online dating is very different than real-world dating.
I have fairly good luck meeting interesting guys out while living my life, and so I date and get to know them, and at some point we talk about what we want and see if we want to continue.
In the real world, I'm pretty open to meeting anyone that I feel attracted to and hit it off with (usually we meet over a conversation in a bar, restaurant, or social situation). I don't feel it is useful to try and have a role that I've planned in advance for someone to fit into, so I don't "look for" only poly people. I also very rarely attend poly happenings in my city because there has always been too much of a cross-over with the kink community whenever I've gone and I find that a turn-off. Besides, I've never really met anyone at these things that I've found attractive.
So, anyway, I meet someone, go out with them, and then we see what happens. If it moves along toward some kind of relationship, we will talk about having the freedom to see others, and maybe ask a few questions of each other about how we're going to handle that, and that's it. I usually don't even bring up the word "polyamory," because most people don't really know what it means, anyway, and I don't feel any need to be a poly poster child.
Online, I need to be more specific. I still will correspond with and possibly arrange to meet guys are aren't poly, but it is more likely that is where I will meet poly men because of what is in my profile. In those cases, yes, I ask a lot of questions about how they manage multiple relationships because, let's face it, a lot of people do poly really stupidly, or at least, vastly differently than how I want to do it. I have developed my own personal boundaries, and if the way someone does poly would violate those boundaries, why bother? I won't even meet them, no matter how smart, funny, or cute they are. Just because I choose to practice polyamory, I don't need to go out and collect people to create relationships with.
I have fairly good luck meeting interesting guys out while living my life, and so I date and get to know them, and at some point we talk about what we want and see if we want to continue.
In the real world, I'm pretty open to meeting anyone that I feel attracted to and hit it off with (usually we meet over a conversation in a bar, restaurant, or social situation). I don't feel it is useful to try and have a role that I've planned in advance for someone to fit into, so I don't "look for" only poly people. I also very rarely attend poly happenings in my city because there has always been too much of a cross-over with the kink community whenever I've gone and I find that a turn-off. Besides, I've never really met anyone at these things that I've found attractive.
So, anyway, I meet someone, go out with them, and then we see what happens. If it moves along toward some kind of relationship, we will talk about having the freedom to see others, and maybe ask a few questions of each other about how we're going to handle that, and that's it. I usually don't even bring up the word "polyamory," because most people don't really know what it means, anyway, and I don't feel any need to be a poly poster child.
Online, I need to be more specific. I still will correspond with and possibly arrange to meet guys are aren't poly, but it is more likely that is where I will meet poly men because of what is in my profile. In those cases, yes, I ask a lot of questions about how they manage multiple relationships because, let's face it, a lot of people do poly really stupidly, or at least, vastly differently than how I want to do it. I have developed my own personal boundaries, and if the way someone does poly would violate those boundaries, why bother? I won't even meet them, no matter how smart, funny, or cute they are. Just because I choose to practice polyamory, I don't need to go out and collect people to create relationships with.
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SuddenlyStoneElf
New member
Thanks for all your replies, everyone.
I've read them and thought over them, but one thing sticks to my mind like a sore thumb. I'm extremely embarassed to ask this but I'll just keep wondering if I don't. How many people did you all have to let go, avoid or ignore because they were inherently monogamous? Did you even have to (especially those of you who just "met" people without filtering first)?
I'm asking because I have the impression that if I go the route of meeting people without a specific dating "agenda" (I hate that word, but it fits), I'll be hitting wall after wall of guys who are offended and even disgusted at the idea that I wouldn't want us to be exclusive! I don't have the stomach for that.
I'm basing this impression on the fact that so far, none of my friends (in 2 countries!) have been open to truly discussing the idea of polyamory--even as simple friends. I just don't seem to attract people who are interested in opening their horizons, or seriously challenging themselves, or questioning how they were brought up to see if anything else might work better, or "might just work." (You never know until you try.)
Some friends told me I was crazy to even want to consider this "lifestyle." Various people I talked to, friends or not just, didn't get it. They thought it was a newfangled fashion of some sort, something I'd eventually "grow out of."
One of my supposed trusted friends (whom I have let go of since) even threatened violence over the basic idea that my husband wanted to date other girls. Another friend completely confuses the idea of swinging with poly. Everyone else just avoids the topic. My family is very traditional, to the point where my mother once told me "I would support you if you went lesbian, but please don't bring her home!" so there won't be any mention of polyamory there either.
Anyone else stuck like me?
I've read them and thought over them, but one thing sticks to my mind like a sore thumb. I'm extremely embarassed to ask this but I'll just keep wondering if I don't. How many people did you all have to let go, avoid or ignore because they were inherently monogamous? Did you even have to (especially those of you who just "met" people without filtering first)?
I'm asking because I have the impression that if I go the route of meeting people without a specific dating "agenda" (I hate that word, but it fits), I'll be hitting wall after wall of guys who are offended and even disgusted at the idea that I wouldn't want us to be exclusive! I don't have the stomach for that.
I'm basing this impression on the fact that so far, none of my friends (in 2 countries!) have been open to truly discussing the idea of polyamory--even as simple friends. I just don't seem to attract people who are interested in opening their horizons, or seriously challenging themselves, or questioning how they were brought up to see if anything else might work better, or "might just work." (You never know until you try.)
Some friends told me I was crazy to even want to consider this "lifestyle." Various people I talked to, friends or not just, didn't get it. They thought it was a newfangled fashion of some sort, something I'd eventually "grow out of."
One of my supposed trusted friends (whom I have let go of since) even threatened violence over the basic idea that my husband wanted to date other girls. Another friend completely confuses the idea of swinging with poly. Everyone else just avoids the topic. My family is very traditional, to the point where my mother once told me "I would support you if you went lesbian, but please don't bring her home!" so there won't be any mention of polyamory there either.
Anyone else stuck like me?
Here one more voice for building connections online, especially since you have had so little luck with discussing the idea of polyamory with the people close to you.
Most of my "dating" has stemmed from interesting online conversations on various forums or chats, and recently also on OKC. To answer your question, in this way, I have had to let go of one person because they were inherently monogamous. In the conversations online they said that they are willing to try the poly approach, but then in reality they just could not handle it. Our connection happened through an internet forum that had nothing to do with poly at all.
My approach to building connections online is not focused on "dating," or even ever meeting the person IRL, necessarily. I like to exchange thoughts, have discussions about a lot of different things. During my poly life, the discussions often have been about relationships and the ethics around them. If a person starts to seem interesting enough (and lives close by-- I have a lot of international connections, too), I might consider meeting them in person. In this way there is no pressure about "dating." If someone starts pushing me to meet in person, that most often is a total turn-off for me, and that person is out.
Most of my "dating" has stemmed from interesting online conversations on various forums or chats, and recently also on OKC. To answer your question, in this way, I have had to let go of one person because they were inherently monogamous. In the conversations online they said that they are willing to try the poly approach, but then in reality they just could not handle it. Our connection happened through an internet forum that had nothing to do with poly at all.
My approach to building connections online is not focused on "dating," or even ever meeting the person IRL, necessarily. I like to exchange thoughts, have discussions about a lot of different things. During my poly life, the discussions often have been about relationships and the ethics around them. If a person starts to seem interesting enough (and lives close by-- I have a lot of international connections, too), I might consider meeting them in person. In this way there is no pressure about "dating." If someone starts pushing me to meet in person, that most often is a total turn-off for me, and that person is out.
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Dagferi
Well-known member
Nope, I never had to get rid of anyone because they were monogamous. I was open and honest about my situation and allowed them to decide whether or not they wanted to date me. Some decided they couldn't date a married woman. The only ones I brushed away were those only who wanted sex.