Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

I remember dating a million guys that thought that and, unfortunately, I let a few of them fuck me. It made me feel like an object and I set my self worth on that. That seems to be a lot of what dating is, especially when one is older and looking for love on dating sites.

Good for you for just leaving. I wish I had, a few times. I was easily led, and I consider myself a smart cookie. The trouble is that when I wanted attention and appreciation I let my trust of people's good intentions get the better of me. Fortunately I found a community to discuss these things with and lovers that do give me attention and appreciation and have restored the values I hold so dear when it comes to sex and love.
 
travislang said:
I am new to the poly lifestyle. I have been looking for gf and I have found 3 now. We started talking, then they found out I was married, by me telling them I was. They stopped talking to me. So my question is this-- what is the secret to getting a gf, if there even is one? How do I find one, and keep them from leaving after I tell them I am married?
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Tell them before they become your girlfriends. When you first date, be up front. That way they know what they are investing in. You'll probably get fewer dates, but the ones that happen will be much more promising.
 
travislang said:
Thanks for the insight. That is what I'm doing now, just not getting any dates that way. so i was wondering if i was doing something wrong.
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Isn't this your 5th post about this topic? You have one in regional too. I think some were even merged. Why not try those which had suggestions in them?

Secret... I am no poly-dating god, but try surrounding yourself with people you think you might want to date. Be honest and be social. Join groups where you might find common ground, like a book club, or LARPing, etc., where you might meet people you can relate to.
 
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I went through much dating before finding someone worth investing my time in. I lied to a few at the beginning just to get into the dating scene again, and then lied because I was not finding interesting women too. Men? No problem. I like lesbians, but lesbians aren't all that into me. :( I tried lying and felt terrible.

I decided eventually to just (shrug) admit off the bat that I was married. I didn't invest anything in any date and just took it as a nice time out. I decided that I would change my attitude towards it. Instead of being needy I decided to be picky. I stumbled along and did some stupid stuff (slept with men I shouldn't have, because they just used me to get off) because I thought that was how to get someone interested in me and love me.

Just as I was realizing I was making a mockery of my life and actually getting kind of giddily out of control, I met Mono. You just never know. It was love at first sight for both of us. We were both pathetic in our own ways. We were each other's salvation, and extremely lucky to have found each other.

Keep at it. Remember you are your own primary. Take the time to re-group, and connect with yourself and your wife/family, before investing in new people. If that foundation isn't there, you will have nothing, in the end.
 
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OKCupid recommendation

I've met a few people off OkCupid. All were nice. My only warning is that I find quite a few fakers, as with any website. So it pays to take your time and chat before meeting people. I don`t mean 'fakers' as a bitter retort. I mean people who say they understand my poly tendencies, but are obviously clueless.
 
What do I do next?

My fiance recently told me that he himself wanted to stay monogamous, but that he wants all of my needs to be met, and gave me permission to be polyamorous with other women. I never requested this, but I am open to it! I just have no idea where to start.
 
And you found your way here! A number of people can offer advice on creating a healthy, positive relationship with a third person.

It's good to be honest with the other person from the first. Sure, anyone who needs an exclusive, monogamous relationship will shy away. But leading them on by pretending to offer some form of monogamy and only later revealing that you're looking for a poly relationship will absolutely cause problems.

It's also good to think about what form your relationships might take. Often what you describe is a vee, at least at first, where one person -- you, the hinge -- has two partners. My feeling, and I think others agree, is that it's by far the best if the two people on the legs of the vee can be friends. Certainly they should know about and have met each other.

Also, think about how to make sure everyone gets at least some of their needs met. There's that touchy time when love is new -- new relationship energy, NRE -- when it might be easy to forget to give attention to your fiancee. So some initial guidelines might be appropriate, like maybe an agreement to have one date night a week with new friends, and a couple of special evenings for your fiancee, as well.

But consciousness and awareness is really key, whether in honesty, relationship shapes, or time management.
 
EugenePoet said:
Often what you describe is a vee, at least at first, where one person, you, the hinge, has two partners. My feeling, and I think others agree, is that it's by far the best if the two people on the legs of the vee can be friends. Certainly they should know about and have met each other.
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I agree that whoever my second partner is, whenever I finally meet them, should also know my fiance.

I do not know what a 'vee' is. I've heard the term hinge before, though.

I'm still not entirely sure I want to have another relationship. They are a lot of work and I'm not that great at it. I am taking this very slowly, to say the least, and not necessarily trying to meet someone. But if I do, we will just see where we go from there, I guess.

Yes, honesty is the best policy. I imagine that is far more important in a poly relationship.

Thanks for the advice!
 
lovemaggy said:
but i do not know what a 'vee' is ....? i've heard the term hinge before though
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You should read around on this site. The "Golden Nuggets" section of the forum has a list of links to a lot of threads that keep getting referenced for the useful information contained therein. Start with the "Definitions" thread.
 
YGirl said:
You should read around on this site. The "Golden Nuggets" section of the forum has a list of links to a lot of threads that keep getting referenced for the useful information contained therein. Start with the "Definitions" thread.
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Umm... I guess I am slow because I still don't understand the term. :confused:

What are "arm partners"?

What is the reasoning behind creating so many complicated terms? I think it is easier to just say that my man and I are the main relationship and the future woman I may be with would be my secondary partner. That relationship will not be as important as me and my fiance's relationship, but still important, though.

Maybe I answered my own question. Are the "arm partners" my fiance and the other woman? That would make sense.

How do you find someone who doesn't mind being considered second best?
 
Triad-- all 3 people have a relationship together. In total, 4 total relationships (you with gf, gf with bf, you with bf and then the 3 way)

V-- really just 2 couples, with one person being common. The point of the V would be you. Your gf and your bf would each be a leg.

The reason for labels is labelling makes things clear.

My wife and I have been in a triad. It describes a different relationship than someone in a V.
How do you find someone who doesn't mind being considered second best?
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That is a magical question. The chances are, you won't. But there are sometimes people who are currently in primary relationships that don't mind having you as their secondary.

I have also seen on OKCupid the odd person quite simply explain they aren't interested in a primary relationship at all. They want to remain "single" while ethically dating a few people.

If you are looking for a third wanting to commit to a long-term triad as a secondary, AND be monogamous to the triad/V, well, that would be an unfair expectation.
 
I am not interested in finding another woman that wants a relationship with me AND my husband. Just with me. My husband has no interest in having any relationship other than with me. What would that be called?

I also have no interest in being in a secondary relationship with another man and woman. I only want a secondary relationship with one other woman. That is all.

Thanks for the help, everyone.
 
Still a V.

I'm curious. Do you want to engage in a relationship with a woman who is monogamous with you? I'm just trying to clarify. That's a tough find, and some would say, unfair to your potential secondary.
 
The future woman in this secondary relationship with me would, by no means, be limited to only being with me. That definitely would be unfair. Just so long as she is honest and uses precautions, etc. The same goes for me and my husband, of course.
 
Now I see why you thought I wanted my potential secondary partner not to have any partners other than me. I think I would just prefer, and my husband would be more comfortable, if the other, more primary, partner of hers was not a man. I wouldn't rule it out entirely. But it is natural to have preferences.
 
lovemaggy said:
I think I would prefer, and my husband would be more comfortable, if the other, more primary, partner of hers was not a man. It is natural to have preferences.
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Absolutely. We all have them. :) Enjoy the journey and all of its ups and downs. It's quite a ride.
 
Ariakas said:
Every time these conversation come up, I just wish I could draw them. haha
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Like with crayons? Or are you being rude? Sorry, I really can't tell. I didn't want to bring this up but I am autistic (functioning). Sometimes i just don't get what someone is trying to express to me. So far, only a couple of poly people have been nice to me, so it wouldn't be all that shocking.
 
lovemaggy said:
Like with crayons? Or are you being rude? I'm autistic. Sometimes I just don't get what someone is trying to express to me. So far, only a couple of poly people have been nice to me, so it wouldn't be all that shocking.
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Wow... No, I was being serious (and sarcastic, serious sarcasm :)). Sometimes drawing these relationship structures out is easier than trying to explain them (like flow charts). I was going to write out an example of what I meant by two couples, and one person in each being each other's secondaries. It's just so messy to write.

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, and sorry some poly people haven't been nice. If anything, poly people have been exceptional in my fairly new experience. The ones I have encountered are awesome. This site has a lot of great people to help bounce stuff off of.
 
Ariakas said:
I was going to write out an example of what I meant by 2 couples and one person in each being each others secondaries...its just so messy to write...
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It is not so messy as you think. That would be a "Z" or "N" for two couples with one person in each being involved together. I don't think it describes which are "primary" and which are "secondary" relationships though.
 
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