Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

[Ariakas]

It is not so messy as you think. That would be a "Z" or "N" for two couples, with one person in each being involved together. I don't think it describes which are "primary" and which are "secondary" relationships, though.

Fair enough. It's not overly messy when I program I visualize the end program, which I sometimes wish could just appear. Drawing it would be a very quick and easy way to explain.

I was simply thinking drawing two Vs with connecting legs.

haha. Shit, I just thought of a W. Man, I need my second coffee. I must be bored.

 

[lovemaggy]

I was being serious. Sometimes drawing these relationship structures out is easier than trying to explain them (like flow charts). I was going to write out an example of what I meant by 2 couples and one person in each being each others secondaries.

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, and sorry some poly people haven't been nice. If anything, poly people have been exceptional in my fairly new experience. The ones I have encountered are awesome. This site has a lot of great people to help bounce stuff off of.

Ooh... that drawing sounds fabulous! I'm a total visual learner, for sure.

I'm sorry I misunderstood you.

I am obviously very new at this. However, I have had friends who have been polyamorous for 6 years. And I am friends with one of the odd ones who does not ever wish to be someone's primary. He is the only guy I would ever want to have a secondary relationship with.

 

[redpepper]

To answer your question from way back, your partner and new girlfriend would be "metamours" to each other.

I know there are a lot of definitions, but they can be useful in describing relationships, in times when a picture can't be drawn.

I suggest doing a search (in the tool bar) using key words that you want to know more about. If ever I get time, I'm going to put some threads in Golden Nuggets that I am always looking for. I tag helpful threads more.

I have something in common with you, LM. I'm dating a married woman and am married myself. I have a boyfriend too, Mono. If I can help in any way, please ask me.

By the way, just because your partner *allows* you to be poly doesn't mean you need to be. It's your choice and there is no rush. It could be something to keep in mind, but not pursue right now.

 

[NeonKaos]

Fair enough...its not overly messy, when I program I visualize the end program, which I sometimes wish could just appear. Drawing it would be a very quick and easy way to explain ...

I was simply thinking drawing two V's with connecting legs

W...

haha...shit I just thought of a W...man I need my second coffee, I must be bored.

But a "W" has five points, not four. I thought we were talking about 2 pairs of people (2+2 = 4 not 5 unless you are in the novel "1984").Each person is a point, not a line, otherwise a "vee" would have 3 lines.

I agree, you must be pretty bored.

 

[lovemaggy]

I have something in common with you, LM. I'm dating a married woman and am married myself. I have a boyfriend too, Mono. If I can help in any way, please ask me.

By the way, just because your partner *allows* you to be poly doesn't mean you need to be. It's your choice and there is no rush. It could be something to keep in mind, but not pursue right now.

I am definitely not rushing anything. What seemed to have prompted him to even suggest it was how I interacted with one of my friends. And he has known since 4 and half years ago when we started seeing one another that I am bi. I have always been open about that. But even though he is ok with it, it doesn't mean that I am going to act on it. I just really want to know more about it before jumping into things. I mainly want to be more assured that me having a relationship with another woman won't tear me and my primary partner apart, as he is the most important to me.

Overall, I think one day I would like to possibly have an intimate relationship with another woman, but I will want to have known her for awhile and have really connected before making anything too serious.

I will be sure to keep you in mind for any questions I come up with, redpepper. Thanks for your help!

 

[lovemaggy]

redpepper, I sent you a PM. I may have sent it twice, or it may not have sent at all... I have no idea!

Talk to you soon, hopefully

 

[redpepper]

I sent you a PM. I may have sent it twice, or it may have not sent at all... I have no idea!

heh It sent. I know, I did the same thing when I was first on here. I wasn't sure if they sent or not!

 

[rpcrazy]

I'm no expert, but here are a few suggestions.

OKCupid, like the above posters have mentioned, is pretyyt good, but like all dating sites, it's kinda meh...

Groups. Meetup.com, tribe.net, etc. There are a lot of group websites, some group websites specifically tied to your state or city (or county sometimes), so you may want to try a search for those and look for groups in your area.

REAL LIFE! If you're open about your polyamorous nature (you rebel, you!), you'll eventually meet people who like or share your way of life. This option is only for the mature and/or evolved, because it takes a lot of faith/courage to be yourself in the big world.

Events. This is realistically going to be your best untapped resource of like-minded people. Events where open-minded & liberal people collect are your best bet to find people who are in all different types of lifestyles. You don't have to feel inhibited or quiet at most of them because everyone is usually there for the same reason. These, and groups are going to be your major connection sources. Examples would be CES, anime conventions, Burning Man, raves, gaming conventions.

One very important thing to do is be honest about yourself. I'm in a... difficult relationship right now. But if I were like you and many other who are single/singleish and looking to meet people, I would BRING UP THE WORD POLY THE FIRST CHANCE I GOT. It whole-handedly makes them know you're into it, AND lets you know 1. they're not into it, 2. they're single and want to know about it, 3. they're into it!!! (YAY, let's go clogging together! lol)

Anyway, good luck and have fun!
Gabe

 

[punkrockmomma]

I'm kind of at a loss myself, actually, for the meeting-people thingy. I'm the odd one out for a lot of things. I don't fare well in the queer community most of the time, despite being open and out about myself. The people I've dated don't often like my enormous ties to the straight community and really I have nothing in common with them.

I'm not a Burner or a Pagan, but I do like geeks and nerds, so comic books and gaming is fine by me. I listen to psychobilly, old punk and oi and often travel to see bands. I'm a single momma, which it seems so many just don't get, a total cheeky smart ass. Good Maude, I could go on. It's kinda frustrating!

 

[rpcrazy]

The comic book and gaming avenue is huge enough to where you shouldn't, or won't, have a problem if you make it a routine to frequent your comic-based and gaming-based events and meetings around town and your area.

 

[idealist]

Every time these conversation come up, I just wish I could draw them.

Ariakas, me too. So, just for our pleasure (and anyone else who is very visual and likes visual interpretations for relationships) I have made a drawing of my poly family as it is now. (But it's rapidly changing.)

The females are in circles. The males are in squares. A green line from one person to another means there is a sexual connection. A purple line means there is a friendship, or at least the people really like one another and enjoy each other's company. The numbers in the small boxes are how many years the people have known one another, with -1 being less than a year.

As usual, I have changed the names (as in my blog).

There are 3 Vs. Idealist/Richard/Holland, with Richard as the hinge. Idealist/Charles/Holland, with Charles as the hinge. Charles/Idealist/Brent, with Idealist as the hinge.

There is a triad with Idealist/Katherine/Brent.

There is a traditional hetero quad (no sexual connection with people of the same gender) with Idealist/Holland/Charles/Richard.

There are three mono males (Steven, John and James). There are two mono females (Cherie and Rhonda).

There is a potential triad with Idealist/Katherine/James, or it might be a V with Katherine/James/Idealist with James as the hinge.

When I look at this, it's amazing that I've only identified as poly for a few months. But, it's obvious that I've been working my way towards it for a while!!!

I think I would like to work my way into a stable V or triad and let go of everything else, but we'll see. It seems I'm just setting up optional situations to see if a good long-term meaningful situation can develop!!

 

[Ariakas]

That's great, idealist. Quite a confusing grouping you have. The more I read here, the more I am impressed by people's ability to schedule their lives. All I have is a big WOW.

 

[Uluz46901]

Looking for a third partner

We have been married for 20 years. Lori recently came clean on having an extramarital relationship with a man for several years. Interestingly, I understand her desires for extension of personal love, not just sex. We are really interested in understanding this more, the ability to love more than one, without monogamy, and it seems like poly.

Our main question is how one finds others that understand this concept/lifestyle. Thoughts?

 

[redpepper]

Find a local poly group in your area. Go online and join forums such as this one. Start being honest about the feelings you have about polyamory, and see who comes out of the woodwork. Leave the door open to whatever arises, and the rest will follow.

I would be concerned about the emotions that will possibly arise dues to your wife's affair and cheating. There is nothing like a poly relationship to dredge up any conscious or unconscious emotions that are lingering just below the surface. Chances are you will not be able to hide from them. I hope you are ready for that.

 

[May]

This question seems a bit strange to me, for it sounds like "I want to find someone I can fall in love with." It's not unusual though, as many people believe they could find love by asking others for it through lonely-hearts ads, and the like. Things like that may work sometimes, or at least you may find new friends, but it doesn't guarantee you to find love. (I'd even say it's highly unlikely if you try to force things that way.)

But polyamory is not about, "Hey let's look for a third partner and see how that feels." It's rather that you admit to yourself and the ones you love that there is more than one love in your life after you found someone new.

I do understand your problem of finding someone who would understand the concept of polyamory. The way I see it is that the most important thing is to be honest with each other right from the start, at least, that's how I always experienced it. I've always been really astonished to see the positive reactions I've gotten when telling people about it. Of course, I choose carefully who to talk to. There are just a limited number of friends and relatives who know details about my relationship style. (Not that I keep it secret, but as long as no one asks I see no need to explain.) But all who know reacted quite positively when I told them.

With my new boyfriend it's a quite funny story. He fell in love with me in the first place because he admired my way of living with my (other) boyfriend and his wife. But a thing like this could only happen because I told him about it from the start (long before we started our love affair), because he was a good friend of mine. My boyfriend and his wife, although they never met him, also knew about our friendship and how it developed. I am looking forward to introducing them to one another soon.

The key is honesty; if someone doesn't like it if you're honest, they probably aren't worth it. Responsibility goes hand in hand with honesty. So my advice would be: don't go looking for a partner (that's what I would tell every single as well, because love has the habit of coming to us in rather unexpected ways). Instead, if you find someone interesting whom you can trust, and realize there is more to it, tell them about your other relationship(s) and that, though you really have special feelings for them, you're not going to abandon someone else for them. Just talk about it, talk about all the feelings you have and ask for their feelings. Tell them that all feelings are okay, that jealousy is a normal reaction and that they should tell you when they feels it.

Of course, there's still the risk someone can't deal with something like this. You should accept that as well as they should accept the way you live. My point is that if you don't trust someone you love enough to tell them about your feelings, then something is wrong with the relationship. Take your time.

(I hope it's clear how I meant all that, because I fear I am rather bad at expressing myself about those things in English. If something strikes you as funny or rather unintelligible it's probably my mistake, so just go ahead and ask.)

 

[idealist]

Our main question though is how one finds others that understand this concept/lifestyle? Thoughts?

Welcome! It's amazing what starts happening after you open your mind to this lifestyle. Shortly after embracing this lifestyle, I ran into a couple I have known for about 10 years. We had done some business together and I had visted their home years ago. I saw them with another couple and could tell there was more going on between them. I approached them and they remembered me. We talked and I just came out and asked them. Yes, they were involved in a quad with another couple. And... they expressed an interest in seeing me. We have not contacted each other yet, but it's just one of the possibilities that has come up for me since I have changed the way I see things.

My advice to you is to be patient. And stay with this forum. There are a lot of awesome people here and it helps to read and share. It makes it real, in a world where this mindset is still basically underground, at least where I live.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

But polyamory is not about "hey let's look for a third partner and see how that feels". It's rather that you admit to yourself and the ones you love that there is more than one love in your life after you found someone new.

I always cringe at polyamory "is not about this" and "is about that."

From what I've seen, the people whose partner waited until finding someone new to "realize" they are poly ended up feeling really hurt that their partner would have the gall to go fall in love with someone else without even discussing it first. Many of them then projected their fear and anger on that new person, when really it's polyamory as a concept that they needed to deal with.

My husband and I recently opened our relationship again, after being closed while we got got "us" settled. To date neither one of us has had any luck finding "someone new" but we always talk about people we meet, conversations we have, cute butts that we notice.

I think it's very common for people to "stumble" into polyamory by accidentally falling in love with someone. But it's much less painful for the existing partner when they have some time to get used to the idea before having to deal with the actual experience staring them in the face.

 

[Ariakas]

This question seems a bit strange to me, for it sounds like "I want to find someone I can fall in love with". It's not unusual though, as many people believe they could find love by asking others for it. through lonely-hearts ads, and the like. Things like that may work sometimes, or at least you may find new friends, but it doesn't guarantee you to find love. (I'd even say it's highly unlikely if you try to force things that way.)

Different mentality. I am also surprised when people don't understand that. When I was single, I was actively dating. I am married, open and poly and enjoy BDSM. While not actively dating, I am actively looking (bars, online communication, sporting events, work associates). I don't plan to just hang out and wait for someone to fall into my life. From my point of view, that's very fairy tail-esque feeling and has never worked for me.

As for where to look, try local poly groups. OKC is very poly-friendly. Heck, just a normal bar. Picking up is about connecting and communicating with people. Get out there and talk to people. If you put yourself out there as available you'll have a better chance of meeting someone you might make a connection with.

 

[SunLover]

Some Questions

Hi all,

What a good find this site was. I am (obviously) new to polyamory and am thus far delighted by what I have discovered. I am a loving, happy (young) person who was delighted to find a lifestyle that puts such an emphasis on open, honest communication and on finding "true" love with more than one person. I am fully aware that it can also be a remarkably difficult lifestyle. Being 100% honest with myself and with others is hardly easy, but I think it is worth it.

So, my questions to you all (apologies in advance for poor use of terms or any awkward phrases):

1. What is this secondary/primary business? The term "secondary" implies hierarchy to me, something I am NOT okay with in relationships. I am, I suppose, technically a "secondary" right now, but do not feel like I am less valued for that.

2. That said, what is my responsibility as a "secondary"? Do I dance around the "primary" relationship logistically and emotionally? Or can I speak up and make "demands" (for lack of a better word) of my own?

3. What is the best way to introduce the concept of polyamory to someone you are interested in seeing? My current situation is that I am dating a guy who is poly and am hopeful about starting a relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, is not poly, but is fairly open-minded. Should I just go ahead and see how he feels about polyamory?

My apologies if these questions have already been addressed elsewhere. I have been reading other posts on this website and am always impressed by the helpful advice and discussion.

Thanks.

 

[Ariakas]

1. What is this secondary/primary business? The term "secondary" implies hierarchy to me, something I am NOT okay with in relationships. I am, I suppose, technically a "secondary" right now, but do not feel like I am less valued for that.

You might want to do a search for "descriptive" or "prescriptive" uses of those teams. While it can imply a hierarchy, it doesn't always. There has been a lot of discussion here on how those terms are used.

2. What is my responsibility as a "secondary"? Do I dance around the "primary" relationship logistically and emotionally? Or can I speak up and make "demands" (for lack of a better word) of my own?

Speak up. You aren't a doormat. Besides, communication is a good place to start a healthy poly relationship.

3. What is the best way to introduce the concept of polyamory to someone you are interested in seeing? My current situation is that I am dating a guy who is poly and am hopeful about starting a relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, is not poly, but is fairly open-minded. Should I just go ahead and see how he feels about polyamory?

Poly is difficult to explain outside of poly circles. I find it far easier to talk about being non-monogamous. Non-monogamy is easier for people to digest the first time around than poly. This is a little different for me than some others, as I have and plan to continue dating people without the intention of falling in love with them. If I fall in love again, great. But until then, I just like to date.

Think of it like this (being single, btw), you find a new partner, you guys get along, there are sparks. How often, on the first date, do you say "I am really looking for a loving relationship, etc."? Most people balk at that, unfortunately. Love isn't brought up until further down in the relationship. If you say "poly," the person you are talking to may just jump ship, thinking you are looking for love in every connection (which some people do btw).