Poly dating: likes/dislikes, recommendations, and experiences...

Best way to meet new partners to date?

  • Online dating sites only! Best way to meet new potential partners because...

    Votes: 2 28.6%
  • Meetup groups! Love myself a good meetup group like...

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • My partner(s) do a great job finding wonderful people I like too!

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • Randomly and in person!

    Votes: 2 28.6%
  • Like minded events or groups is the best way!

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • It's been a while because we are a closed polycule but if I was to date now I might...

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    7

tdh

Member
Lately been thinking more and more about how to meet new people who are Poly now and in the future. And then I realized, there a whole community I could be talking to this about. So let's get to talking!

I've included a bit of a ice breaker poll about meeting new partners to date. While we are in a pandemic, we won't always be and (hopefully) by years end we can get out there again to meet new partners.

This thread we will hopeful to share things we like/dislike, recommendations, and experiences from our journey so far and going forward.
 

tdh

Member
So I will start by saying my preferred method has been randomly and in person for dating. Something about meeting someone and sparking an connection has always appealed to me. But it also finds me single for longer periods of time then I would like.

Online I have had 2 good outcomes for poly dating. I tend to find folks looking online to be a bit more honest in what they are looking for. I have also had a bad outcome where the couple said all the right things but really was getting involved with couple that was not healthy. I was dating the wife and her husband was dating someone else and on at first it seemed near ideal as they clearly were open about everything. What I didn't know is they were not good together.

Going forward, I am leaning more towards online and meet up groups. Online is not always my strong point though. Never no how to really capture what I am looking for in words and match pictures for interest. Feels a bit like screaming into a void for a single guy. My female friends and non-binary tend to get a bit more attention. It is something I want to work on going forward.
 

icesong

Active member
I have really good luck with online dating - it’s basically how I’ve met - or in a few cases re-met - all my new partners in the past several years.
 

Inaniel

Member
I do not have a lot of experience "poly dating" but my most significant relationships have come from friendships, and I hate to say it - co-workers... That's probably why I ended up in a V relationship with two women who consider themselves mostly mono. I also don't actively date or pursue other partners almost ever, so I do not have a lot of experience. I have successfully found and dated poly on Tinder, but nothing that ever turned into an ltr.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tdh

Evie

Well-known member
Just realised I could change my vote, so fixed!

I've met most of my current partners and friends through some kind of shared interest group.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tdh

tdh

Member
I have really good luck with online dating
Was there something in particular that drew you to partners profiles? Don't know about other people but online sometimes feels like swimming in the ocean without sight of shore. You know you are going somewhere and moving, just not always sure where.

come from friendships, and I hate to say it - co-workers..
I would love to have friendships and even some co-workers who I have crushes on turn into poly relationships. As a guy though, never feel comfortable bring that subject up to a co-worker as I never want a woman feeling like those 2 things are tied together. So I tend to avoid relationships with co-workers.

some kind of shared interest group
Just in general or focused?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
OKCupid used to be the go-to online dating site; however, it has been getting not-so-great reviews lately. Poly meetup groups are probably the best bet overall, but only if you have lots of patience, because you can't just show up and start hitting on people. Also it depends on how close the nearest meetup group is. Large cities are more likely to have meetup groups than small towns; also some cities are more poly-friendly than others. For more on that topic, see Poly-Friendly Cities.
 

Evie

Well-known member
Just in general or focused?
I met Adam at a post graduate students' weekly meetup.
I met Puck on a Fet group, focused.
I met Mike at a local munch.
I met Hermit in amateur theatre, before I went professional, where I met Tech and Siege and two other of my significant exes.
I met Lance on Fet, just on F&P.
So, a mixture.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tdh

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I have met MORE people online (okc and tinder - mostly tinder). I have met more COMPATIBLE people at poly meetups.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tdh

icesong

Active member
Was there something in particular that drew you to partners profiles? Don't know about other people but online sometimes feels like swimming in the ocean without sight of shore. You know you are going somewhere and moving, just not always sure where.
Hmm, at the time I used OKC, you could write a decent amount about yourself so it wasn't quite such a meat market and I could get a pretty good read on someone before talking to them. My criteria were
  • decent match scores (I've answered a lot of questions) of over 95% or so;
  • a profile that made you sound interesting as a person (ie we'd have something to talk about), preferably some shared hobbies - cooking or reading or making things or *something* along those lines.
  • Not gonna be into someone who's just into outdoorsy stuff or sports;
  • not gonna be into someone who's not at the very least significantly left of center politically.
  • I'm pretty iffy on people who weren't established as some flavor of non-monogamous - "newly opened relationship" is one of the scariest phrases in the English language, when looking for dating partners.
After all that? It's just sort of a question of photos and the energy in them - I'm not sure I can put a better description on what made some photos a yes and some a no, after that. Although once people got through the bulleted criteria I'd generally be willing to meet them even if the photos didn't make me say "oooooh I _want_ to meet that person".... the thing is though, most of the time the ones I was neutral about despite them meeting criteria turned out to be "dud" dates in person. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

tdh

Member
I have met MORE people online (okc and tinder - mostly tinder). I have met more COMPATIBLE people at poly meetups.
This is an interesting statement. Compatibility is a big part of dating IMO and finding partners.

most of the time the ones I was neutral about despite them meeting criteria turned out to be "dud" dates in person
I wonder if this is just a different experience in online dating as when I have used sights like OKC, I have had only a handful of matches so most dates end up going well. The criteria of how people read dating profiles is helpful to think of as the last time I considered anything online was a few years ago. Everyone else I have dated I met in person first at like a restaurant or in the park.

It is interesting to see everyone's different experiences.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hmm, at the time I used OKC, you could write a decent amount about yourself so it wasn't quite such a meat market and I could get a pretty good read on someone before talking to them. My criteria were
  • decent match scores (I've answered a lot of questions) of over 95% or so;
  • a profile that made you sound interesting as a person (ie we'd have something to talk about), preferably some shared hobbies - cooking or reading or making things or *something* along those lines.
  • Not gonna be into someone who's just into outdoorsy stuff or sports;
  • not gonna be into someone who's not at the very least significantly left of center politically.
  • I'm pretty iffy on people who weren't established as some flavor of non-monogamous - "newly opened relationship" is one of the scariest phrases in the English language, when looking for dating partners.
After all that? It's just sort of a question of photos and the energy in them - I'm not sure I can put a better description on what made some photos a yes and some a no, after that. Although once people got through the bulleted criteria I'd generally be willing to meet them even if the photos didn't make me say "oooooh I _want_ to meet that person".... the thing is though, most of the time the ones I was neutral about despite them meeting criteria turned out to be "dud" dates in person. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Evie, it just got wicked hard to connect. You had to play this stupid game and jump through hoops to even get a simple message out to someone, or find out if someone messaged you! You had to "like" a person before you could even read their message. When match.com bought OKC it went to shit. I think they were trying to prevent horndogs from sending gross messages, to "protect the womenfolk," but in the process they pretty much stunted my ability to talk to anyone at all. It was really disappointing.

Thank god for Fetlife. It's not set up to be a dating site, per se, but at least anyone who wants to can message me, and I can immediately read it, or vice versa. Also you can comment on people's pix, or their "writings," and of course, they have discussion boards galore, where you can read others' opinions, and comment, or PM them if you want to be more specific and well... private.

I "like" people's photos, and just the act of my doing that is seen by people, who may also have looked at that pic, and then they might feel a connection just from that, and message me. For example, I follow a person who posts a lot of vintage erotic photos. So others who also enjoy that vintage stuff might become interested in me. :)

You can also search people by region or town to find friends or meetups/munches, or potential kink/sex/dating partners nearby. In recent years (pre-Covid) I met quite a few men irl from FL and completely gave up on OKC. You don't have to be super kinky to go to FL. In fact, some kinksters are complaining that it's getting too vanilla there haha
 

Evie

Well-known member
Evie, it just got wicked hard to connect. You had to play this stupid game and jump through hoops to even get a simple message out to someone, or find out if someone messaged you! You had to "like" a person before you could even read their message. When match.com bought OKC it went to shit. I think they were trying to prevent horndogs from sending gross messages, to "protect the womenfolk," but in the process they pretty much stunted my ability to talk to anyone at all. It was really disappointing.

Thank god for Fetlife. It's not set up to be a dating site, per se, but at least anyone who wants to can message me, and I can immediately read it, or vice versa. Also you can comment on people's pix, or their "writings," and of course, they have discussion boards galore, where you can read others' opinions, and comment, or PM them if you want to be more specific and well... private.

I "like" people's photos, and just the act of my doing that is seen by people, who may also have looked at that pic, and then they might feel a connection just from that, and message me. For example, I follow a person who posts a lot of vintage erotic photos. So others who also enjoy that vintage stuff might become interested in me. :)

You can also search people by region or town to find friends or meetups/munches, or potential kink/sex/dating partners nearby. In recent years (pre-Covid) I met quite a few men irl from FL and completely gave up on OKC. You don't have to be super kinky to go to FL. In fact, some kinksters are complaining that it's getting too vanilla there haha
Hi Mags, not sure why you addressed this to me, I certainly agree it's super hard to connect in the middle of this stupid pandemic. I hate it. And I tried a bunch of actual dating sites last year and dear god what a nightmare. So yeah, I much prefer Fet as a place where conversations can begin organically.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Another shout out for Fetlife. Kink, to me, is an option, not a requirement, but I love talking with interesting people and Fetlife is full of them. The site fosters community, if you care to participate, and the one on one can be as short or lengthy as you like. And it's straight forward: I message (or comment) to you, you message to me, etc. I met my sweet (now ex) BF there five years ago and we fell madly in love. Had a great five years together and broke up over something that had nothing to do with where we met or how we met. Fetlife is brimming with open minded people who are open to new ideas and new people. The political discussions are some of the most thoughtful and instructive on the internet.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tdh

icesong

Active member
When match.com bought OKC it went to shit. I think they were trying to prevent horndogs from sending gross messages, to "protect the womenfolk," but in the process they pretty much stunted my ability to talk to anyone at all. It was really disappointing.
I mean you were replying to me not Evie, but that said I 100% agree.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hi Mags, not sure why you addressed this to me, I certainly agree it's super hard to connect in the middle of this stupid pandemic. I hate it. And I tried a bunch of actual dating sites last year and dear god what a nightmare. So yeah, I much prefer Fet as a place where conversations can begin organically.
My mistake! I admit, I get you two confused, and I don't know why! I know you're different people lol.
 

icesong

Active member
My mistake! I admit, I get you two confused, and I don't know why! I know you're different people lol.
Opposite sides of the planet even! ;-)
 

Evie

Well-known member
My mistake! I admit, I get you two confused, and I don't know why! I know you're different people lol.
I added a temporary profile pic to help you out 😜
 
Top