Poly exploration and advice

Yes, when you meet with a councilor you can ask them to read that book (What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory). If they're not willing to read it, that gives you an initial way to filter them out.

And FWIW, some councilors will do sessions with you by skype or email, that sort of thing. Which would help if the councilor is based a long ways away from you.
 
I had a good experience with online therapy - I used betterhelp.com; there are other sites as well - but I don't think that one could necessarily have *marital* counseling through a service like that. Maybe. (This was email based. Skype might work better.)
 
Just my opinion/experience, but I'm reluctant to push for "poly-friendly" counsel.
  1. the search is a great delaying tactic
  2. seems to presuppose that the "poly" part is at least as important as the relationship -- if you turn to a priest for advice, will he suggest that his church is in any way bad for you?
  3. general lack of proof that it's anything more than a marketing gimmick (like the "abortion conselors" of anti-abortion groups)
It's NOT surgery. Seek advice, weigh it, maybe apply it, judge the results.
 
Thank you for the extra advice. I am unsure yet if counselling is the route I (or both of us together) should take but it is good to have this advice and information. The reason I asked about a poly-friendly counsellor vs just counselling is that since we are both very new ideas relating to polyamory and she is still not exactly accepting it I dont want her negative ideas about it reinforced. I'd prefer we both maintain an open mind when thinking about how to move forward and resolve this best between us, rather than the person who is supposed to be helping guide us fence that in. The situation still feels very... tenuous in certain regards. From certain talks in our past about polyamory in a theoretical sense I am very certain she is mono and I just wonder if I ended up with a counsellor who is anti-poly then if it wouldn't very swiftly end any possibility in her mind of us exploring further.
 
Don't you think your wife needs someone to talk to as well? You are going to delay or disregard the (recommended) advice to seek counseling out of fear that your wife isn't going to hear what you WANT her to hear? Just like you are only telling her what you believe she can "deal" with? Your wife is an adult; please treat her as one.

I've been reading your other thread about being jealous of your LDR lover's other LDR, and it seems as if you are focusing on the WRONG thing which is getting your OWN house in order first. You could be creating havoc based on a relationship with a person you haven't even met IRL.
 
You are right and maybe I should be clearer in my posts. I care very much about my wife's emotional wellbeing. I am not disregarding the prospect of a counsellor, I am considering it. My comments on a poly-friendly counsellor were mainly aimed at joint counselling or for myself. A standard counsellor is much, much easier to find so if that is what she wants I didn't feel the need to ask for advice about that. The counselling angle was information I wanted to have for later if that is what we decided would be a good idea. I have every intention of working with my wife in deciding what our needs are regarding potential counselling services.

I care a lot for my wife, she is the most important person in my life and I want her to be happy and satisfied in our relationship too. The jealousy thread may be a bit more one sided as it was asking for advice to cope with merely my own issues rather than the situation more widely. I want to bring this situation to a right and good place and as a complete beginner to the idea of poly I have made a few misteps trying to work through the foreign situation I found myself in which I think is understandable for someone who dismissed the idea of poly until finding themselves simultaneously in love with two women without feeling less for either. I am hoping that through all the confusion and pain that we end up in a stronger and more fulfilling place at the end.
 
That seems to make sense.
 
I am curious about the online erotic role-playing.

Is this something you pay to do with the long-distance role-play partner? Is it done through a site that caters especially to erotic role-playing? How long have you been participating in this, with this particular woman that you call your gf? Is there any intention to meet her in real life?
 
Twomaybetoofew said:
Thank you for the extra advice. I am unsure yet if counselling is the route I (or both of us together) should take but it is good to have this advice and information. The reason I asked about a poly-friendly counsellor vs just counselling is that since we are both very new ideas relating to polyamory and she is still not exactly accepting it I dont want her negative ideas about it reinforced.
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Here's the thing, though. A counsellor could be completely poly friendly and still reinforce things that your wife doesn't like the idea of.

When I came to this site, I felt quite positively about my own involvement in poly relationships. I'd newly started a FWB type relationship with an old friend who had had open relationships for years (although at that point my friend had had no partners for a while).

After reading here and talking to friends who have had open relationships and feel positively about them, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't for me at this time - or at any time I can forsee. Not in any way. I came eventually to the conclusion that I'm not willing to be non-monogamous myself or to be the partner to somebody who is non-monogamous. At least not unless both of us are willing to do the work required to do so that fits with my ethics in a world that is geared toward monogamous marriages. I'm not willing to do that work just now and neither is my FWB (who is now a partner of 6 years).

I came to that conclusion after a couple of years of reading here. I noticed the work, thought and effort that the coupled people that I think do this stuff well put in. I followed many disaster tales where the work wasn't put in - especially those written by the outsiders. The ones who are having relationships with somebody who is partnered with somebody else.

So even the places most positive about poly can lead people to conclude that it isn't something they desire.
 
nycindie said:
I am curious about the online erotic role-playing.

Is this something you pay to do with the long-distance role-play partner? Is it done through a site that caters especially to erotic role-playing? How long have you been participating in this, with this particular woman that you call your gf? Is there any intention to meet her in real life?
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Cindie, maybe it's Second Life. If that is still a thing.

Pixi used to go there just to chat, but she'd be chatting someone while grinding against them lol.
 
Do people on fet life or other similar sites list cybersexing as an interest?

Leetah
 
The girl is not a sex worker, just a normal person. There are lots of places online you can go for online roleplay of this sort. Fetlife I don't think allows you to specifically set that your looking for it in your profile but I've seen other sites that do.

Nycindie, its not that I'm willing to risk my marriage for this partner, that's not why I am looking into poly. The reason I am is that initially I felt a long lasting need and want in myself for more than my wife. I initially took this to be purely sexual and knowing that I can compartmentalise sex and love I sought online roleplay as a means of managing this. I did not want to cheat or feel tempted to do so; this was the compromise. What I was not expecting was that I would develop feelings for a partner I just found myself extremely compatible with. This is where I ran into trouble. It is also what made me really consider polyamory. I find myself in love with two women and do not find that my love for my wife is diminished by it.

I am still in love with my wife though and committed to my marriage to the point where if she ultimately decides she cannot accept any degree of openness then I would be willing to close the relationship entirely to stay with her. While I feel capable of and pushed towards some kind of polyamorous setup I do not think it worth my marriage. If my wife cannot come with me on this journey then I will have to make the hard decision to turn back. We have built too much together and work together too well for me to want to lose her. I am just hoping that ultimately, though its painful now, we can move through this and find an ideal and more fulfilling way to be together.
 
Wow. You mean Second Life is still around?? :eek: Its coolness factor must be right up there with MySpace. :D
nycindie said:
I find the "love" part hard to fathom when it's someone the OP's only interacted with online for pseudosex. Being willing to risk a marriage for someone he's not met in person seems nonsensical to me.
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Sounds like typical Romantic bullsh!t to me, & that's got plenty of proponents hereabouts. :rolleyes:

Hmm. When the New Hot Chick turns out to be a sweaty 43-year-old guy living in his mom's basement, will this have any effect on your plans?

:D
 
Twomaybetoofew said:
What I was not expecting was that I would develop feelings for a partner I just found myself extremely compatible with. This is where I ran into trouble. It is also what made me really consider polyamory. I find myself in love with two women and do not find that my love for my wife is diminished by it.
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How long have you known this online partner? Do you interact on video or is it all via text? See, I ask because love is something that happens when you really KNOW someone for who they are. Knowing them well takes time. You're role-playing, which means there is a level of pretense ("make-believe") in between the real you and the real her - if indeed she is who she says she is, and chances of that are slim. How do you know for certain that this isn't just infatuation or obsession with a fantasy?

Twomaybetoofew said:
If my wife cannot come with me on this journey then I will have to make the hard decision to turn back. We have built too much together and work together too well for me to want to lose her. I am just hoping that ultimately, though its painful now, we can move through this and find an ideal and more fulfilling way to be together.
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In other words you want what you want, and will be all pouty and disappointed if you can't get your way.

To be honest, I think the best thing you wife could do for both of you is pull the plug and start divorce proceedings. I am not really seeing a partnership of grown adults here, sorry to say.
 
We have interacted via video many times. I'm aware she's not a sweaty 43 year old man. While I have roleplayed a lot with her I do talk to her about her life and interests too, not all of our interactions are based around roleplay. I talk with her extremely often and for prolonged periods. I get that you might not particularly understand people creating connections through the internet but not only is it increasingly common even people within this thread have experience doing so. I admit there are additional complications in getting to know someone online and making sure the connection you feel is based on something real though. I think the idea that I might be caught up in a fantasy of her is wrong personally, I've seen bad sides of her as well as good. Infatuation though is a different question. I've seen the term NRE thrown around a bit on the forums and other places I've visited and seems pretty close to infatuation. If the term differs from infatuation in how its used I'd be very interested to hear about it.

Could I be infatuated with her? Yes, I suppose that is a possibility. I feel strongly for her and the relationship can be measured in months. I genuinely care for her though. If any more experienced people here want to give me advice on managing NRE and make sure it doesn't blind me I will be appreciative and read careful to try to judge my own actions. The last thing I want to do is let something like that utterly bias me without me realising and encourage me to unintentionally wreck everything I have worked for in my marriage. I still be in the early stages of this new relationship and would appreciate the old hands giving advice on how to not let the intensity of a new relationship tank your current one.

If this doesn't work out and we decide to completely close the relationship again will I be disappointed? Of course I will. It will require giving up vents for the desires and inclinations I have discovered and an end to exploring this further. To call it pouty and say she best divorce me is unkind to put it charitably. I will find a way to move on should this occur. It will be my choice to stay and close the relationship to maintain the marriage as much as it will be hers if that is the case.

You seem to have allowed your biases against people forming connections online and maybe some of the mistakes I've landed myself in while trying to fumble along this path blindly to prejudice you. I have been with my wife for 12 years if you include before we were married. We have been through difficult and trying times and wonderful times too and I first met her online also though with rather different circumstances. To say that you don't see a partnership between mature adults says much more about your biases against the circumstances than about our partnership.
 
Nope, I don't have any bias about your situation. I am simply making common-sense statements. I don't have a horse in that race, so whatever you do won't matter to me. I was only curious because you left out a lot of information and without certain details it just sounded like a kid mooning for a fantasy. TBH, it still does. What you've got going does not sound mature and healthy; it sounds like something very flimsy - but I know that will be hard for you to see. You think it's love you're feeling for this person after only a few months of erotic role play and some personal conversations. I think you are setting yourself up for a hard fall.

It is no wonder your wife is having a hard time with it - what, exactly, are the efforts you are NOW making to nurture your marriage and let your wife know she is loved, appreciated, and sexually desired? Or is it only the online chick you desire, and not your wife?

And you still haven't come clean to her about everything you're feeling - correct? See, holding back information is the immature part, like a kid holding onto a prize out of fear it will be snatched away. Still, you say you've only been interacting with the gf for a few months. That is not really enough time to know someone well.

I think you've got a very messy situation here and you need to see it for what it is, not what you wish it could be.
 
Thank you for the reply, I found that very constructive. You are right that a matter of months is not enough to truly know someone but I am getting to know this girl. Things have to start somewhere and it is still in an intense place where feelings can blind you to certain aspects even if you see them.

Right now I am making time to do more things with my wife; I am eating out, and in, with her more often for example. I am trying to have more meaningful conversations with her (this is something we initially bonded over and has always been an important part of our relationship). Also yes, I am trying to make her feeling desired and appreciated and loved in other ways too. Some of that has been hard as work schedules have been tough recently.

I have not yet come clean about my feelings for this girl. One reason is that it has been hard to find a good time with our schedules, its much easier to find time for a dinner date than a serious talk like this. Another is just finding a good moment to actually hash it all out with room to breathe.

My situation is a mess and I do want to see it for what it is rather than be blinded by my own wishes and feelings. That is part of why I am here.
 
Twomaybetoofew said:
My situation is a mess and I do want to see it for what it is rather than be blinded by my own wishes and feelings. That is part of why I am here.
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Good. Just be prepared for the possibility that you will some get feedback here that you won't like, which could come across as harsh or like we're hitting you over the head and being mean. It's all ultimately meant to be helpful, even if someone is trying to shake you up so you can see more clearly - some of us express ourselves best with a "tough love" kind of approach! If you stay open and willing to examine points being made, you could learn something valuable.
 
Nycindie, yes I have noticed one or two rather "tough love" posts. I can take constructive criticism though and have already gained much from coming to these forums. I will try to give everyone a charitable reading and not let my hackles rise automatically if someone is being harsh.
 
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