poly living arrangements

mountaingirl

mountaingirl

Active member
hopefully this is in the right place! maybe more of a general poly discussion? but it's something ive thought about a lot in reference to my specific situation.

Two partners and I live together. In the near future (i.e. once I graduate) I am looking forward to making more $$ and not having roommates anymore (currently we live with a fellow grad student friend of mine, so 4 people total in a house). We work really well as roommates. Joe and P are also great friends, but I know they wouldn't mind living separate. We're basically as close as possible--we share a bathroom currently--but i think everyone wants more of our own personal space in the future.

I was wondering what types of living situations people on this forum have--especially with 3 people--but I'm definitely interested in all examples of kitchen table poly living arrangements, and also people living separate but nearby their partners. I also welcome any stories about how you figured that out (temporary situations? what worked and what didn't?)... I'm trying to make this next step really intentional, since we lucked out with the current living situation (affordable, lots of common space, great area close to everyones work, understanding roommate) and I don't anticipate that will happen again.
 
Have you checked out Bluebird's blog? She just bought a new house with her two nesting partners. Kevin also lives with his partner and metamour. There are others, I can't think of all their names.
 
When I am home, wife and I have the master bedroom and the girlfriend sleeps upstairs in her room. When I'm away on business, wife and girlfriend are in the master bedroom. When the wife and I are away together, the girlfriend sleeps alone in the master bedroom.
 
My partners live together and I live separate, though no interest in a NP now myself. Partners live 30 min away from me, and we see each other not a lot due to alot of commute abroad for work, but we schedule ample time for holidays and weekends. As I need a lot of alone time, someone with a lot of autonomy and flexibility is a must for me.
 
We had a member a while ago who had two houses, one with her legal husband and one with her long term partner. She (and the kids when younger) traveled between the two houses on a 4-3-3-4 schedule.

I currently live with my husband but am looking to move next year and likely live in a house share (flatting) situation. I'll still have financial responsibilities to my husband as we have a mortgage. My long term partner is also very long distance so visits mean chunks of time spent mostly with each other. We arrange accommodation that is separate from our respective spouses.

Edit: I forgot to mention that Adam and I have our own bedrooms these days. It's wonderful!
 
Last edited:
Evie said:
We had a member a while ago who had two houses, one with her legal husband and one with her long term partner. She (and the kids when younger) traveled between the two houses on a 4-3-3-4 schedule.
Click to expand...

Dagferi was the name of that member. Long time no see.
 
I live with both my partners about half and half. My gf Pixi has a bf who lives in the next town. She goes to his house for about half the week.

When she is gone, my bf Aries comes to my house. (I'm so glad our schedule works out like that!) He occasionally goes on weekend dates with his newer partners (nothing serious yet) or platonic friends. He officially lives in a house with one of his brothers, two cousins and his aunt (right in my town). He doesn't have much privacy, so I don't really hang out there.
 
I share a home with my nesting partner, we have our own rooms. My life partner lives alone closer to his work. We share 3 days per week together at each other’s homes depending on the day of the week and our schedules (trying to avoid commute traffic). I get lots of holidays with him as well.
 
Hi mountaingirl,

I live in one house with my partner (Snowbunny) and my metamour (Brother-Husband). I have my own bedroom, with an attached bath (shower). I would say we have a kitchen table V, we all eat dinner together, and talk together about how things are between us, and what needs to be changed or adjusted. Brother-Husband and I are friends, we often watch stuff together on TV.

I would say the three of us learned how to live together a little at a time, there was a time when I had my own condo, and they (Brother-Husband and Snowbunny) lived together in a townhouse. They had me stay over at their place, a little longer each time until the three of us understood each other and how to get along.

I am inclined to advise you to continue to live in the same place as Joe and P, unless there is a serious divide between Joe and P. If they are able to get along with each other, and to share you between them, then there is no need to create extra space between them.

You may want to move into a place that has two bathrooms. Personally, I have my own bedroom, plus my own bathroom, and I definitely prefer it that way. It's more comfortable that way. You have to figure out what is more comfortable for you, Joe, and P.

Let me know if you have any questions for me.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I live with my husband and his girlfriend (and my son with husband). We all have separate bedrooms. My other love lives about a 20 min drive away; he spends one night a week at my place and I (these days) spend one night a week at his. (He lives with his wife and her other partner, though he actually has sort of an apartment connected to the rest of the house but still separate.
 
Let me say that as I lie here in a hotel room alone while my wife and her girlfriend are sleeping together, it causes me some distress. However, I am happy that my beloved wife has someone to support her. At the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. Her girlfriend has proven that she will work to support the family and is not just there for the good times. I am lonely now, and envious, but I know that when I come home, they will make me feel special. I wish I had a conventional, monogamous marriage, but my wife could not manage on her own. I'm just glad she fell for a beautiful woman - that I can also enjoy - rather than another man. I know that it shouldn't make a difference, but it does.
 
oop these are a lot of replies! thanks everyone! it's cool to see so many diff living configurations in one place. Some notes:

Separate rooms for everyone is SO nice. Joe just moved his stuff into an empty room upstairs and I feel single in a way I didn't think i needed. I definitely discounted needing space for myself and just had my shit strewn in both of their rooms; this is way better.

Ideally owning two separate homes with each of them would be awesome... but in this economy 🫣 I do like the idea of owning a home with both of them and having space for everyone. I need to do more research on how that works financially and check out some blogs on here (thnx for that advice)

It's encouraging to see so many people making commutes work. I was feeling like not living with one or both of them full time would be a demotion in the relationship if that had to happen in the future, but it seems to work fine for others. more examples of polyamorists being scheduling wizards lol
 
mountaingirl said:
oop these are a lot of replies! thanks everyone! it's cool to see so many diff living configurations in one place. Some notes:

Separate rooms for everyone is SO nice. Joe just moved his stuff into an empty room upstairs and I feel single in a way I didn't think i needed. I definitely discounted needing space for myself and just had my shit strewn in both of their rooms; this is way better.
Click to expand...
I'm glad you've realized how you enjoy that!
mountaingirl said:
Ideally owning two separate homes with each of them would be awesome... but in this economy 🫣 I do like the idea of owning a home with both of them and having space for everyone. I need to do more research on how that works financially and check out some blogs on here (thnx for that advice)

It's encouraging to see so many people making commutes work. I was feeling like not living with one or both of them full time would be a demotion in the relationship if that had to happen in the future, but it seems to work fine for others. more examples of polyamorists being scheduling wizards lol
Click to expand...
Yeah, Pixi and I don't want to live with our other lovers full time. When she's here, she wants the run of the house, with just me in it, so she can be undressed or half-dressed, you know? Also, men of mine tend to get crushes on her (that damn testosterone), and we don't need that complication... We like having our own separate boyfriends! Group sex is too complicated.

Pixi's bf Malachi is an introvert. He has a big house all to himself. His busy job as a tech manager provides him with plenty of social interactions, so when he's home (or off of Zoom conferences from his home office), he doesn't want anyone but Pixi in the house!

We have group interactions/dinner (the four of us, plus friends, and my son) occasionally, usually around the holidays, but otherwise we just see our metamours in passing.
 
I’m here! Ah, I miss Dagferi’s updates and advice.

I lived (in various homes) with Woof and our three kids and just visited Mitch, up until Mitch and I had a kid on the way. I started staying at his place until Little One was born, and then we got an apartment for the three of us.

After a few months of newborn nesting we got into a weekly rhythm, with Little One and I spending up to half the week with Woof and the older kids. We had clothes and plenty of daily use items at both places for several years, so it was solidly a two home situation for me and Little One as a baby/toddler/preschooler.

The pandemic drastically reduced our traveling to Woof’s, and then Little One started school, and the older kids got busy with college. So I see Woof a lot less, but we are still close when we can spend time together.

Mitch and Woof are completely parallel — they rarely spend time in the same town, much less the same room.

What I’ve discovered for me over the years is that I want my own bed and my own space. (Go figure, I’ve been momming for 23 years, and I have ten more to go before Little One is an adult.) I’ve carved out a little space in the home I share with Mitch and Little One, and I almost always sleep alone now (unless we have guests). But in a few years we will move somewhere I can have an actual room, if not a suite or my own separate apartment. And probably a lot closer to Woof and the older kids, if any stay in his town after college.

My advice: Try what works for finances and locations and preferences for now, keep an eye toward where you each “see yourself in five years,” and stay flexible because people and circumstances change over time.
 
Yes I have two separate houses one with each partner. Has been that way for over a decade and it works for us.

Just don’t post a lot because life…
 
mountaingirl said:
It's encouraging to see so many people making commutes work. I was feeling like not living with one or both of them full time would be a demotion in the relationship if that had to happen in the future, but it seems to work fine for others. more examples of polyamorists being scheduling wizards lol
Click to expand...
I think if partner(s) don't really value the relationship escalator journey, they should be fine with moving into separate homes in the future. It also depends how much freedom and autonomy they want as that plays a big role in the nesting department, and on how you want to raise your children if you are planning for one.

I co-parent my kiddo and he commutes once/twice a month for a weekend. From next year we will be living closer to each other so kiddo would commute on a weekly basis. Not sure if you want kids or not, but would take them into account with the commute if that's in your 5 year plan.
 
I share a house with my two partners (MisterMoonbeam & DarkKnight). They each have their own bedroom, and I have the master suite. They take turns swapping time with me every other night in the master suite, and I’ve had my non-nesting boyfriend stay with me on the weekends. MisterMoonbeam has a comet partner who has stayed over in his room as well. I think our set up is pretty great.

That said, until recently they each had their own office space, but due to my oldest daughter needing to come back home, they’re now sharing that one room for computer stuff and 3D printing. It’s been okay so far. MisterMoonbeam works from home 95% of the time, DarkKnight does 5% of the time, so they don’t ever overlap. At least, they haven’t so far. Our home is almost 5,000 square feet, so if people need alone time it’s not too difficult to get it!

Previously, DarkKnight owned a smaller home and MisterMoonbeam rented two rooms from him. Now that house has been sold, and MisterMoonbeam owns the home we are currently in. I’m on the deed, but the mortgage is MisterMoonbeam’s alone. We have been talking about putting DarkKnight on the deed as well - but that hasn’t happened yet. We’re still researching different ways to figure out our retirement planning and this house is part of the financial set up with that. I am writing about it in my journal here as things come up.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top