Poly meet ups question

ksandra

ksandra

New member
Hi! This is less a question about a specific relationship and more a question about...behaviour? Advice? Nervous jitters?

I live in a larger city and they have almost weekly poly get together a and I would like to go because school and crazy work periods are over for a few months and we moved back here and then school started right away and I haven't really had a chance to make friends outside of school and I would like to. I also am in a program that mostly has women and gay men and we do it really mingle with other faculties so dating chances have been nonexistent.

The main thing holding me back is that I am terrible at feeling comfortable in social situations where I don't know anyone and I am also really good at finding reasons to leave early when I feel awkward and on my own. So. How do I work through this? What do I say to people? How do I make friends in a new group where a large amount of the members already know each other? Is it even ok to show up to these events by yourself?

I realize that these are fairly grade school questions to ask but advice would be hugely appreciated. Thank you!
 
If I were you, I would contact the organizers and let them know you're new and planning to attend, and ask how you will be able to find them at the gathering because you're a little nervous about attending alone.

In my city (NYC), the organizers and their helpers wear badges and make it clear that anyone who attends is welcome to introduce themselves and talk to them a bit. Then you'll at least know someone you can return to if making the rounds at the party has you anxious or nervous.

When I first joined here as a newbie in 2010, I asked a similar question. Here is the thread I started way back when: Going to poly events/happenings

Other similar threads can be found here (the search function is your friend!):
Our First Poly Event

First Poly-Group Meeting(s)

Poly = want to date ALL THE MEN!
 
Meeting new people at a event social event is not my forte. I can do it and have forced myself to do so but it's always uncomfortable and draining for me.

Does your area have poly discussion groups? I've had much better luck meeting people there. Actually most of my friends in poly circles are from various discussion groups. Classes and workshops in related topics have also been fruitful for me.

I find it way easier to talk to people if there is a structure beyond 'drink and chat'. There's an obvious topic to discuss which is a ready made ice breaker.
 
I don't know where you are in Ontario, but the Toronto poly meetups on Meetup.com are from what I hear welcoming and friendly, and very low-pressure. I think they have a regular discussion group as well that doesn't have the "forced bonhomie" aspect to it. That might be worth checking out.
 
Thank you for your suggestions, everyone. I will definitely let them know I am feeling new and nervous. I guess I'm feeling nervous about what to say once introductions happen. Most of my life right now is school and work which limits conversation topics though I'm probably overthinking it.
 
nycindie said:
You can always ask the questions and let other people do the talking. ;)
Click to expand...

I would love to sit back and listen! Are there some questions I can ask specifically about polyamory that aren't too prying for a first time meeting?
 
Hi ksandra,

I'm not very good at socializing myself, but I suppose the thing to do is approach someone who's not already chatting with someone else. And say, "Hi, I'm (Your Name). It's my first time here," and offer them a handshake. Then follow up with questions like, "Your first time too?" "Can you believe this crazy weather?" or whatever; you have to use your "social detector" to tell if they want to chat a bit more. If they don't seem to, just move on and meet someone else!

When I was in Albuquerque there was a poly group, and I went to quite a few of their potluck discussion groups. I would actually bring a book with me, and sometimes people would ask me about what book I was reading and what was it about. So that was an icebreaker. Plus I had something to read in between convos. It helped.

I also found that it got easier to socialize each time I attended a function. The contrast was huge between the first and second time I attended. The second time there were people I recognized, so that actually made me feel a bit enthused about seeing them, and I would walk up and say, "Hey, good to see you again," and shake their hand. But I'm terrible at remembering names, so I'd have to apologetically ask them to remind me. Eventually I'd remember.

So, tough it out during your first visit, and perhaps you too will find that your second visit is considerably easier.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You don't have to ask them questions about polyamory just because it's a poly gathering. If you see someone who interests you, just chit-chat. I would ask questions like, "Do you live nearby?" "What do you do for work?" "What are you drinking?" "Where are you from originally?" Also, things you notice: "I like your tattoo - what does it mean?" "Crazy hair color - did you do that yourself?" "Oh, I like this song - what bands do you like to listen to?" "Have you been to these things before?" "How did you hear about this event?" "How long have you been coming to this group?" Re poly, you could ask: "Are you married or solo?" "How many partners do you have?" "How/when/why did you get into polyamory?"

Of course, I am not saying to grill someone with question after question after question. These are just ice-breakers. Come to think of it, the organizers of the event might have some sort of organized ice-breaker activity at the beginning. Some groups do that.
 
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Go for it :) First time you perhaps find someone that's also new or someone who enjoys answering newbie questions. Or you just listen a lot.
I usually get envious in a new group of the people who already know each other and are se relaxed and affectionate. This too gets easier with time, if you attend a few times people recognize you then.
 
The first time I went to an event connected to the kink community here, I was scared and nervous. I sat outside in my van, watching to see people go in the bar, for like half an hour. But I had been speaking to a man on OKC and in our earlier convo told him I was going. He messaged me to ask how it was going and I told him I was sitting in my van, scared to go in the door. He volunteered to come up and go in with me.

I'd never met him before in person, but the idea of having a friendly person I'd spoken to and was willing to hang out and talk to me, was a huge comfort.

Well so, I waited. The skies opened up and the rain came down. And the man I met outside the door ended up being a soaked guy who had come up ON A MOTORCYCLE through a torrential thunderstorm!

He had an interest in the community and a similar hesitation, so we walked each other in, but it turned out to not be that necessary. There were friendly people who came up to us and having ascertained that we were new, talked to us and introduced us to community leaders and gave us some safety talk (needful in the kink scene.) I was afraid that no one would interact with me, because no one knows me, and I'd stand alone and awkward...but we were welcomed.

It turned out, the OKC guy was in town on work and had issues back home with his marriage. We did not really date, but I encouraged him to be more honest with his wife about his needs. He went home and they talked, and worked things out, and later opened up with good results...I was happy, felt like I was kinda in his cheering section for things to work out there.

But since that night, I've talked to others in the community and heard similar things, that they were scared to come in the door their first time. So I've done what I could to chat up people who are interested in coming into the scene. It's so wonderful and full of great people, and I'm not the only one who wants to make new folks feel welcome and comfortable.

I have unfortunately had to push back a bit on a few guys who thought "she's talking to me and inviting me out, she must be interested in me!" But whatever. *shrug* I'd definitely suggest getting in touch with organizers, and even suggest that if they are too busy to devote much time to connecting with a newbie, if there is anyone who is safe, friendly, outgoing in the group who wouldn't mind being your "battle buddy" your first time...I bet that could easily be arranged.
 
I/we had been contemplating going to a MeetUp for a while. What finally ended up making it happen was that I was talking to a woman on OKC who attended regularly and was friends with the organizer. So she invited me/us to attend on a night that she was planning to attend - it went great! I wrote about it in my "Notebook blog" here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=225035&highlight=butterfly#post225035

I only attended a few times and then life moved on, but at least I know I can do it if I want to!

JaneQ
 
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