Poly/mono.. is it over or does he just need space?

[Elephantlover]

Hi everyone! I met this guy who is poly married. And we have been dating for a few months I could tell things between him and his wife were always a little bit rocky and told him that if he ever needed me to step back I’d be more than happy because I knew his marriage came first. A little bit over a week ago he came to me and told me that his marriage is falling apart and told me he asked her if they should stop poly. She said no because she really enjoys her boyfriend that she’s dating currently. I was a little upset to Find out that he suggested stopping poly without even talking to me. I then became really upset realizing that we must likely were over. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said that he just needed space for now. Me, being more than dramatic told him that I would like to meet and talk one more time to be able to close or chapter on romance and to become friends. He agreed but then I text him asking him if he even thought of me and it made him very upset. He told me that We no longer needed to speak and that he realized I would always push and test him. A week went by and I text him and I apologize for not being able to see what he was going through and asked if he’d be able to forgive me and work on being friends he said that it would take a while. Is a chance of any relationship for us over? I really felt like we had some thing especially since we told each other we loved each other and with me being mono I always hoped that it would be something special. Any advice would be awesome!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, welcome to the board. I am sorry you had a bad experience dating a married, so-called "poly," man.

Hi, everyone!

I met this guy who is poly (and) married. We dated for a few months. I could tell things between him and his wife were always a little bit rocky, and told him that if he ever needed me to step back, I’d be more than happy to, because I knew his marriage came first.

First of all, a poly married person owes you a complete relationship. A person's marriage should not "come first," if they mean to respect the other people they start relationships with. Your needs and desires are just as important as his needs, his wife's needs, and the needs of their relationship. As a "secondary," you have rights too. You shouldn't settle for scraps. Especially if he says he loves you.

Being a "secondary" does not mean you are a lesser person. It just means you are newly dating, you don't share a home, finances or kids. It doesn't mean you don't matter and don't deserve respect. You shouldn't be offering to "step back" if he runs into issues with his wife. It's his job as the hinge of the V, to meet the needs as best he can, of all his partners. If he doesn't understand that, he needs to learn it.

You are a person deserving of respect. You are not a toy or an experiment. You're not a sex doll to be put in a closet for when you're needed.

A bit over a week ago, he came to me and told me that his marriage is falling apart, and told me he asked her if they should stop poly. She said no, because she really enjoys her boyfriend that she’s dating currently.

I was a little upset to find out that he suggested stopping poly, without even talking to me about it first. I then became really upset realizing that we most likely were over.

I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he just needed space for now. Me, being more than dramatic, told him that I would like to meet and talk one more time, to be able to close the chapter on romance and become friends.

That doesn't sound dramatic at all. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable request.

He agreed, but then I texted him asking him if he even thought of me, and it made him very upset. He told me that we no longer needed to speak, and that he realized I would always push and test him.

That's pretty rude.

A week went by, and I texted him and apologized for not being able to see what he was going through, and asked if he’d be able to forgive me and work on being friends. He said that it would take a while.

Is a chance of any relationship for us over? I really felt like we had something, especially since we told each other we loved each other. And with me being mono, I always hoped that it would be something special. Any advice would be awesome!

It's hard to tell without more details, but it sounds like he and his wife used polyamory as a bandaid to put over the wound of their failing marriage. It's never a good idea to "have trouble in marriage, add more people." That just complicates things. It ends up hurting the other partners often, as in your case. Polyamory is not a tool to fix a marriage, or indeed, as an escape or distraction to avoid working on a troubled relationship.

It sounds like in the rush of "new relationship energy" (NRE), you and he were attracted to each other, and became infatuated, without knowing each other very well, or understanding how to practice polyamory properly. You declared it was "love" too soon.

Now, it seems he's getting nervous about his wife being really into her bf. He might feel her pulling away from their troubled marriage, and he's afraid of losing her altogether. So, suddenly he is starting to treat you in a very brusque and rude way. You are being dumped. He doesn't sound very nice. You deserve better. Move on.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I guess I read it another way. I could be wrong in my impression but FWIW here it is...

I met this guy who is poly married. And we have been dating for a few months I could tell things between him and his wife were always a little bit rocky and told him that if he ever needed me to step back I’d be more than happy because I knew his marriage came first.

I will be honest. I was surprised to read that. Why does the marriage relationship come first? Rather than the health of the PEOPLE?

If you are not actually ok with that, why would you defer to his other relationship so much?

A little bit over a week ago he came to me and told me that his marriage is falling apart and told me he asked her if they should stop poly. She said no because she really enjoys her boyfriend that she’s dating currently. I was a little upset to Find out that he suggested stopping poly without even talking to me.

Then I was surprised to read the purple. This is giving mixed messages to me.

If you changed your mind about the blue part, was he just supposed to mind reader it? Last you updated him, you told him you were ok with stepping back and stopping poly because you put his marriage first above all.

So why the upset when he seems to believe you?

I then became really upset realizing that we must likely were over.

Did you CHECK? Or just leap to a conclusion there? Cuz I haven't read "And then he broke up with me." I read that he wanted some space.

Him asking his wife if she wants to stop poly so he figure out what's going on with them doesn't not automatically mean him dumping you. Did he say something about breaking up with you and you didn't write it?

I asked him what he wanted to do and he said that he just needed space for now.

And did you check what that means? Some people DO break up like that. They won't say "I want to break up." They do a vague "I need space" thing and it's on you to ask clarifying questions int he moment.

Other times people say "I need some space" when they just mean they need some space. They don't want to break up, they just need some extra quiet time on their own to solve something.

I'm seeing a lot of unclear communication going on.

Me, being more than dramatic told him that I would like to meet and talk one more time to be able to close or chapter on romance and to become friends. He agreed

What's up with the "dramatic?" What's that mean?

If he needed some space due to a death in the family, a work trip, or similar... would you jump to the conclusion it's a break up now? Or would you think "Oh. He's gonna be out of touch for a few weeks going away to funeral/work trip thing."

Like did he even really want to break up? Or was he just worn out with fighting with the wife and he didn't want to start fighting with you too. So he just decided give up on everything because you were being dramatic and sounding like you wanted to check out?

but then I text him asking him if he even thought of me and it made him very upset.

I could see why. He has problems in his marriage, and you are giving him mixed messages, being dramatic, etc. Now you tell him he doesn't even think of you. If he was going on something you told him in blue, when you really meant something else in purple, I could see why he'd be frustrated. Maybe feeling stretched to thin and wanting to give up on everything.

He told me that We no longer needed to speak and that he realized I would always push and test him.

Well, kinda don't blame him for thinking that cuz you are doing mixed message here at least once.

In your shared history, have there been other times where you push/test him to "guess the REAL meaning" when you say one thing but actually mean another?

A week went by and I text him and I apologize for not being able to see what he was going through and asked if he’d be able to forgive me and work on being friends he said that it would take a while

.

Alright. Fair enough. Give him a while.

Is a chance of any relationship for us over?

Wait a minute! You text you want to be friends. Now you sound like you want to be dating him again. Dating is not friends to me. What is is you actually want?

I thought it was already over because YOU said you wanted to meet one more time to close the chapter on the romance.

YOU text him you want to be friends. You do not text him to want to try dating again.

That kind of thing would drive me batty. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to keep being like "secret interpreter" trying to figure out what you REALLY mean. I prefer clear communication from the start.

I get that you maybe are anxious. But if you are... I suggest you manage your anxiety better and actually SAY what you MEAN.

I really felt like we had some thing especially since we told each other we loved each other and with me being mono I always hoped that it would be something special.

When you say mono, what do you mean?

If you are monoamorous (want 1 sweetie) + relationship shape flexible (where you are ok doing monogamy or ok as endpoint to a poly V )? Then you could work on not jumping to conclusions, communicate more clearly, stop with the mind reader thing, and reflect if you really do test/push him a lot. Considering changing that way of participating in a relationship.

If you are monoamorous (want 1 sweetie) + monogamous (want only 2 people in the relationship shape)... what are you doing participating in a poly V thing? That is not monogamy. Is that why you jump to conclusions? You don't feel all that safe participating in a relationship model that isn't what you really want? So you end up acting out in various ways -- testing him, pushing him, mind readering, jumping to conclusions, etc?

If it is not over yet, it's not gonna hurt to be more CLEAR so this whole thing is less confusing on both of you.

If this is already over, it's not gonna hurt to lay your cards on the table PLAIN. To hear it confirmed -- that yes it is a break up. But maybe get to part in a better way and not all wonky.

Could tell him

1) You are sorry. For dramatic, testing/pushing him, for expecting mind readering, for jumping to conclusions, for not realizing he's having a tough time with his marriage.

2) You actually wanted to keep dating, not break up and be friends.

3) You are willing to work on yourself while giving him some space to sort out stuff on the other side of the V.

4) When things are calmer for him, if wants to try dating again, you are up for it.

5) If this has just been too much and he just wants to be done and be broken up? Not try to date again later, you will respect that. You just wanted to check in one more time and not end something special due to a lot of wonky communication.

6) Thank him for the time together. It WAS special to you.

If you both do agree to try again later on? This time DON'T say his marriage always comes first. This time say you expect him to give both sides of the V fair attention. Sometimes there will be emergencies on one side or the other, but to at least be fair and give a heads up something is happening. And on your side you will try to be more fair also -- stop with the mixed messages and dramatic stuff. If something is going on with you, also will give a heads up and speak more CLEAR.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

You probably should have let the guy grieve the demise of his marriage without catastrophizing things. Sometimes we need a little space to deal with loss without someone else making it all about them.

Sorry to be so blunt but this really hit home for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Elephantlover,

It sounds like you and the poly married guy are kind of on bad terms with each other right now, I don't know whether there is a chance of salvaging a friendship from this, much less renewing a romance. If there is a chance, it will probably depend on you letting him have his space for awhile and not texting him. Ask him how much time he needs, and give him that much time. On the other hand, you may want to ask yourself if this is a relationship you *want* to save, if he has been mean, rude, or brusque towards you. Does he push and test you? Do you want to be a part of that kind of relationship? If not, then it doesn't make sense to *try* to save it.

When you say, "if he ever needed me to step back I'd be more than happy," I assume you mean that you'd be very willing to give him some space, not that you'd gladly break up with him. Perhaps you could give us more information? more of what was said, and how it was said? If you could do that, we might be able to give you better advice. For now I am kind of guessing, based on your introductory post.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I agree entirely with Galagirl

 

[TXretired]

It’s rough

I have experienced much of this. I love my poly partner as much as my wife. But, the relationship between she and her husband come before the relationship between us. In like manner, to her, my marriage comes before the relationship I have with her.

Both of our spouses have had some issues. To the point my partner and I almost stopped, for the benefit of our marriages. She and I prioritize our marriages above all else.

As I said, I love her fully. But I will not be the reason for the destruction of their marriage. My partner? She is of the same mindset. Sometimes it is very difficult.