poly/mono transition: second lover request: a sms/call every night: your advice?

S

salvador

New member
Hi,

After 10 years ( and 2 kids ;-) ).

I'm in a couple with my wife started a polyamory relationship. A long friendship changed and her second lover want of course more space, time and her mind.

He asked her to call/sms every night before to go to bed. What is your thought about this ?

A simple SMS could be nothing but "kill" in my mind our last moment to be together (and more of course in the bed).

Note: with a family/logistic on going "be together" in couple is possible only the night, you can understand this easily ;-).

She "pushed" me to be poly asap more simple for her. I'm a mono ok with the poly concept but I want take my time if I want be with someone else..

Thanks for your advice!

I have few other point to clarify but it's step by step.
 
Everyone's boundaries are going to be different. I, personally, do not have a problem with my partner texting another partner before bed. In fact, he usually does do this (frequently while we're actually in bed.) But, then, we've been doing this for a few years. It was definitely a process. I wasn't as comfortable with it in the beginning. Communication and compromise go a long way in increasing comfort levels, in my opinion.

What specifically is triggering you? Is it that she's texting him last thing (like right before going to sleep, while you're both in the bed?) Is it the exchange lasts too long and she ignores you while messaging him? Or, is it that you just don't want to see her texting him? Can you come to a compromise? Something like: she adds 5-10 min onto her bed time routine and texts him while she's in the bathroom getting ready for bed? That way, you don't have to witness the exchange? Then, when she comes to bed, she's all yours? Would something like that help? Or, is it just the fact that she's texting that's triggering?
 
Hi salvador,

It sounds like you are struggling with this whole poly dynamic; the SMS just adds more fuel to the fire. How much time does your wife spend with this other guy?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your reply

@pinkpig: to answer, It's generally short, but he requested to have this every night (like a hard rule). Not confortable not on the sms side but with the "mandatory" thing and the way our dynamic is different after the daily action. We (me more to be honest). And she can text beside me more simple I think.

@kdt: more fuel to the fire: which fire ? ;-) the second relationship or in our relationship.
Time spent, the more he try to have with our family agenda, he's retired so used the lunchs , afternoon call and start evening too.
 
Sounds like he has three parts of your wife's day every day (or most days)? That's a lot and it breaks up your time with your wife which isn't fair on you.
 
I kind of find the mandate from him a little odd. Has there been a discussion of what sort of consequence there would be if she doesn't do that EVERY night? And how does your wife even feel about such a thing being "mandatory"?

It seems that you're not thrilled with the poly in the first place. As a mono myself, I completely understand. Compromising on boundaries is key if you have any interest in participating in a poly relationship. First, figure your own boundaries, don't worry about hers or his until you know yours. When each of you figures them out, then discuss & see where the compromise is. If there's a work around, then go for it, if there's a hard line, that's fine too. But make sure that you have clear consequences for what happens if each boundary/"demand" is not adhered to.

Now, one thing that can be done, as was suggested previously, is to allow space for the good night messages shortly before bed, and have it all done when you get ready to hop in. If the fact that it's happening at all bothers you, then try to understand what about it bothers you, and say so. Maybe a different agreement can be made.

I guess one area to focus on, is determine what you actually want from this. Understand YOU first, because that's when the communication most effective.
 
If you are not comfortable with the agreement she has made, you owe it to both of you to be honest about it.

We cannot say whether it is a reasonable request from him or not. Only you know how you feel. If you feel it kills the mood for you right before you sleep, and it impacts upon you negatively, then that is how you feel. There is nothing wrong with feeling negatively about it. And there is nothing wrong in expressing that to her.

Perhaps there is a deeper issue here though. You say she has rushed you into polyamory - that you can handle it, but that you wish you had more time to adjust, and that she has a lot of contact time with him during the day already. I think it's fair to ask her to postpone this step in their relationship until you are more comfortable in general with their connection. In other words, to ask her to NOT agree to this thing and to keep her interactions with him to times when you are not around, UNTIL you are feeling more comfortable. You are allowed to ask this of her. Of course, she is also allowed to say no. If this is important to her and to him, it might help you to understand why that is the case. Sometimes that can lead to greater empathy and understanding. But I definitely feel you should tell her how it makes you feel. If she is unaware that this affects your desire/ability to be intimate with her at a convenient moment of the day, how can she make an informed choice in the matter?
 
The fact that this is being done in a poly relationship aside, I find it odd that a partner would put a 'requirement' to be texted or contacted every evening on the other partner, as a mandatory requirement. Think about it...if this was being done in a mono relationship, wouldnt it be strange to have a partner say 'I NEED you to text me every evening'? (As opposed to 'I really enjoy talking with you of an evening, I'd like us to do that if and when we can').

What emotional need does this boyfriend have, which he cannot fulfill himself, which requires a text from your wife every evening? He sounds insecure and needy, like he doesn't trust that he will get sweet texts from your wife often enough unless he puts a rule on it. That sort of thing makes a relationship far less organic, in my opinion.

I can understand 'mandatory' rules (or rather, boundaries - 'I require myself to only be in relationships where partners do XYZ') on things like safe sex, honesty, or even requiring certain check in or care after a partner has gone on a date (especially if it's a first time date, or just opening up a relationship, or first time sex with new partner etc). But every night? That's a bit much.

But...all of that aside...

Your wife gets to decide who she dates. If she wants to date insecure and needy, then she gets to do that.what you get to do, is set a boundary of 'I will not be with someone who allows their other relationships to infringe on *our* intimacy'. That way, it is the way your wife's behaviour is impacting on you that you focus on communicating, rather than the fact she's decided to date a guy with freaky rules.

So consider communicating to your wife that the fact that she's texting this guy, right before your bedtime together, infringes on your intimacy. Consider what kind of things you need with your wife before bed, to set up an intimate space or atmosphere for the two of you. I completely get it, by the way. When I've had a partner, bedtime is one of my favourite things to do with them - the settling down, the snuggling, talking, love making. It's really a very intimate time and I would also be annoyed if something distracted from that intimacy. To me, it would be the same as if a partner of my partner asked them to text just as he and I were about to have sex, or about to have a serious talk, or about to massage each other. I would be thinking, "no, this is one of our special times where there is a zone of intimacy just for us, you don't get to infringe on that". Similarly, I'm sure you wouldn't ask your wife to text you just as she was sitting down at an intimate dinner with boyfriend or some such. The split in focus ruins the atmosphere.

Perhaps putting it as "I need to be in relationships where all my partners (whether your wife or girlfriend or others) respect my intimate time with other partners, and don't try to take my focus off those" would be a good way to communicate it to your wife, along with explaining that, for you, bed time is one of those intimate times. You could figure out when 'bed time' starts for you, such as - is it when you go upstairs to the bedroom? Is it when you have both used the bathroom? And then explain that after that 'marker' in time begins, you need focus for just the two of you. You and your wife may not have realised the intimacy you put on this time before, because until now, no one has tried to interfere with it, but I would be explaining it as an intimate time for the two of you, just like love making or a romantic dinner or (any other, intimate things you do together) - and that you have a need for that to be respected. In the same way, you could explain you would not be interfering with her intimacy with boyfriend if she and he were having alone time together - such as, if she was at a sleepover or romantic dinner with him.
 
I totally get how that would be an energetic downer. I wouldn't want my husband texting his girlfriend from bed, either.

Could she text him while getting ready for bed? Like while face-washing and teeth-brushing, but before she actually hits the bedroom with you? Then he gets his good night message, and you get your intimate time, uninterrupted.

I do think it is a strange request (requirement). I would be curious to ask what the root of that need is. Seems to me that his time and attention requirements are creeping up and up, and she might need to re-evaluate how much she can give and set some limits around that.
 
Every relationship is different.

In our family, we all text each other goodnight and I love you every night. But that is something we talked about and all expressed a desire for.

Your wife doesn't have to message him from your actual bed . . she could just send him a quick text as she's getting ready for bed, or after dinner or whatever.
 
If I were you, and closeness just before bedtime was important for me, I'd request this: If you and your wife go to bed together at, say, 10 or 11, I'd request she have her chat time with her bf from 8-10.

My gf and I like to wind down together in the evenings. We cuddle, chat, eat, watch TV or a movie, sometimes have sex, from 8-11 PM. She often chats online with her bf on and off from 6-9. (Neither of them demands it happens EVERY night, it works out more to 3 times a week.) That way, we both get a piece of her without much interference from the other. Sometimes her chat with him overlaps with her time with me a little, but it doesn't bother me.

And my gf generally only sees her bf twice a month. I was in the habit of seeing my bf twice a week (until recently, because his mother died and he is taking a break). So, he usually would come here from anywhere from 5 or 7 until 10 PM. Often in that time period, my gf is chatting online with her bf on and off. That still gave me an hour with my gf before bed, or 2 hours if I was awake enough to stay up til midnight. My gf goes to bed much later than me, so we don't go to bed together. But the important cuddle period still happens even when my bf visits twice a week.

Twice a month my gf goes to her bf for an overnight.

Your wife is seeing her bf for lunch several times a week? Plus he wants to talk to her every evening? He doesn't get to make a "hard rule" that you and your wife are required to obey. Argh. So many poly people feel that they have to follow rules another person makes up. Poly only works with open and honest talks, negotiation and compromise. Time is a limited resource, and scheduling must meet everyone's needs and desires, not just the needs of one or two of the V.
 
I am needy. My partners say goodnight to me in person, and in text every night. However, I try to get that out of the way earlier, not when I am snuggled down with my sleepover partner. Sometimes that isn't possible, but I try hard to not overlap energy.

If you're ok with messages, maybe just say you want it done outside of snuggle time. Like, once she enters the bedroom, phones are off. Then hold to that rule for both of you.
 
Bluebird said:
I am needy. My partners say goodnight to me in person, and in text every night. However, I try to get that out of the way earlier, not when I am snuggled down with my sleepover partner. Sometimes that isn't possible, but I try hard to not overlap energy.

If you're ok with messages, maybe just say you want it done outside of snuggle time. Like, once she enters the bedroom, phones are off. Then hold to that rule for both of you.
Click to expand...


Nothing wrong with being needy, Bluebird! Sounds like you all accommodate in order to meet your need to say goodnight by respecting personal time, too, when you are snuggled down with the other partner.

For all of us, our day is not complete until the goodnights and I love you's are said. Otherwise, it feels like a big wall goes up and someone feels left out, and it feels empty to go to bed without a goodnight message.

Maybe that makes us needy. I think it also makes us very loving towards each other.
 
Thanks for your advices

She will try to fix this with him.
But to fix / discuss the new agreement. She decided to invite him in our house when I'm not here.

1 - last minutes
2 - we never discuss to have him in our house. Totally not confortable with this.
3 - could be done by phone now or wait few days.

Poluly or mono ? Not fun no?

Your thought?
 
Did you tell her you don't want him to come over to your house?
 
I don't really see an issue with the texting a goodnight. If that is something she wants to do and agreed to what's the big deal?

You never said why it bothers you either. I think you need to figure that out so that you can talk to her about it. This sounds more like your issue than hers.

(Ex. If seeing the texting bothers you perhaps she can text while getting ready for bed instead?)
 
salvador said:
Thanks for your advices

She will try to fix this with him.
But to fix / discuss the new agreement. She decided to invite him in our house when I'm not here.

1 - last minutes
2 - we never discuss to have him in our house. Totally not confortable with this.
3 - could be done by phone now or wait few days.

Poluly or mono ? Not fun no?

Your thought?
Click to expand...

If you are not comfortable with having him over than that should be something you discuss with her, have you discussed boundaries about your living space? How do you normally handle having guests over? Do you wish to handle having partners over differently?
 
It does sound as though she is moving forward without talking it all over with you first. She may be very caught up in her emotions and you need her to slow down until the two of you have had time to really discuss things and reach agreements.

Leetah
 
Thanks !

you're totally right.

For me it was ''common sense'', that we should discuss together before to invite our second partner in our house.

We will discuss more for sure.

Maybe, the real challenge is more the following point.
She's dreaming about a ''poly house'' (everybody under the same house) based on positive stories (I'm sure some stories are great but like any subjects, we highlight only the success stories not the failure stories, more useful to learn).

But she doesn't want define boundaries, rules, ''ask if I'm OK or not'', because it ''restrict'' her freedom.
To summarize, one of her sentence: ''I do what I want', and work on yourself if you're feeling bad''. She's mentioned the default advices of Poly for me about the Jealousy. I'm working on this but it's ''short''.

Not easy to deal with this! ;-)
 
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So, for 10 years or more the two of you have operated under standard monogamous partnership agreements, whether explicitly worked out or not, and suddenly she wants to do away with all agreements? Without having any new ones?

To me it sounds like she has fallen in love and may not be seeing her situation clearly. In the past has she generally been more considerate of your wishes and needs? And you of hers?

If she is really meaning to tell you that she has no interest in considering your feelings then you will need to figure out your own boundaries. If the relationship she is offering is not something that you can be content with then you can stop being in the relationship. This is not a threat to get her to change her ways, it is simply allowing you to say "This will not work for me. I am willing to work on new ways of doing things, but this? No thank you." Then you can begin discussing divorce, new co-parenting agreements, decide if one or the other of you will be finding a new place to live, etc. Then she can live the way she wants to and you can too.

Leetah
 
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