poly/mono transition: second lover request: a sms/call every night: your advice?

Wow... It sounds to me like she's just telling you that she's going to do what she wants, and it's your duty to learn to be okay with it!? I'm sorry but, that's more indicative of a spoiled child than someone who is interested in mutual, loving respect.

My wife once told me about her dream for this poly house too. Everyone under one roof, like one big happy family. The problem with that-and it has nothing to do with poly really- is that too many people under the same roof can be a disastrous living situation. 4 guys sharing a college dorm was bad enough, there's no way that I would choose that again intentionally. Constant arguments over who pays for what, who cooks/cleans, pets, you name it. And in a poly set up, what happens if one partner breaks up from the group?
 
salvador said:
For me it was ''common sense'', that we should discuss together before to invite our second partner in our house.
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Of course you should! Opening up a marriage after 10 years of monogamy must be done delicately and respectfully! She is treating you really badly.

By the way, New Guy isn't "our second partner." He is her partner. You shouldn't think of him as "yours." He is what we call your metamour, the partner of your partner. You may like him, you may not. You may want to be friends with him, you may want to never see him. It's up to you!

We will discuss more for sure.
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I hope she will talk more with you and be patient with your transition, as you decide what your boundaries are. She isn't doing so great so far. Yikes! "I will do what I want, and you work on yourself"? That's cold, man.
Maybe, the real challenge is more the following point.
She's dreaming about a ''poly house'' (everybody under the same house) based on positive stories (I'm sure some stories are great but like any subjects, we highlight only the success stories not the failure stories, more useful to learn).
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Oh, there are plenty of failure stories here, believe me. Actually, more failures than successes, sadly. Some poly people do want "kitchen table poly" and work HARD to make it happen. Some people, on the other hand, keep their partners separate. It's a personal choice. It can be a deal breaker if one member of a couple wants kitchen table poly, and the other doesn't want anyone else moving in! No one should move in with a partner until they've been dating a year, anyway. New relationship energy, infatuation, can take a good year to fade. We don't really know a new partner til a year or more goes by.

But she doesn't want define boundaries, rules, ''ask if I'm OK or not'', because it ''restrict'' her freedom.
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That is horrifying! Is that how you treat someone you love? Has she been this dismissive of your feelings throughout your marriage, or has she gone insane? She needs to be brought back down to earth.

Maybe you two need couples counseling. I remember when my ex husband and I first Opened. He met a woman, "fell in love," and after 3 months, was trying to sell me on moving her in as a second wife, and how that would "help me" with the kids and housework. I told him, I don't even approve how she is raising her new dog, why would I want this STRANGER (who had had one short failed marriage and never had kids) "helping" me raise my kids?

To summarize, one of her sentence: ''I do what I want', and work on yourself if you're feeling bad''. She's mentioned the default advices of Poly for me about the Jealousy. I'm working on this but it's ''short''.

Not easy to deal with this! ;-)
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Understatement, my friend! It sounds like a nightmare! And if she wants to fuck him in your house and in your marital bed, you have every right to object if that idea makes you uncomfortable. If she sneaks him in anyway while you are at work, she is cheating on you. It is possible to call oneself polyamorous, and still cheat. Poly can only work when everyone is on the same page and treated with respect. Lots of poly people don't want their partner's lovers to the house, especially not to have sex in their house. It doesn't bother my gf and me, but we've been poly a long time and have gotten over these kinds of growing pains.

Stand up for yourself.
 
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Thanks for your inputs, really helpful for me to share this.

I know, in her side, she already tried to care of me with: minimize the interactions and minimize her wishes too. But I know that the second lover (just retired), is waiting, 95% available to share good moments. Based on this, I have the feeling that I just have the bad role here, anytime I do something it will be worst.

Not expert, in poly relationship, you ''build'' relationships, like an house. Some people after a good experience merge the houses. but I have the feeling that it's better when you don't mix the both and you care of the both houses.

To give more context, we decided to review our relationship to be more polyamory to live the experiences. but she had already someone ''ready to go''.

I want try the polyamory experience, I read a lot, OK on theory I'm 100% fine. So in practice , I just realized now that with my work-family obligations (busy allmost the time) , my city (small) and my few women preferences, not sure that in my side I will have the opportunity to enjoy the experience.



Maybe too much in a mono-mindset with this fast poly situation, I'm not confortable to mix the ''space-time'' between my relationship and the second. That's why this SMS symbol (root of this discussion) touch me.

This other relationship spent a lot of time, energy, mind in my case. To be honest, now after review, I admit that on my side, I started to manage badly the situation with some paranoïa feeling (I shared with her to be transparence).
So if we (my wife and me) check the other to see if he-she has a weird behaviour, the fun - good relationship is automatically destroyed, it's more a negative loop that nobody like.

And to conclude, I think, I'm jealous that she can enjoy the polyamory agreement and not me. The initial plan where more to enjoy ''together''.

Nothing is black and white. Any advices to reverse the situation ?
 
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¡Hola, Salvador, y bienvenido al foro!

I'm going to dance around with my imagination and suggest some possibilities to you that you haven't exactly expressed, but I see certain hints of (which might be just my imagination).

a) He's retired and you're at work, is that right? Is there a big age difference? In a perfect world, age shouldn't be important, but I imagine that he might be trying to control you and her, using his seniority to become top macho. Is this a possibility?

b) "And she can text beside me more simple I think." Do you mean that it's more comfortable for YOU if she texts him while next to you than doing it somewhere where you can't see... or that it's simpler for her? She has asked you, in fact
She "pushed" me to be poly asap
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and you're being very generous and accepting of her wants/needs. In return, she should respect the fact that she should be very careful not to push you too far or too fast.

c) This idea of her having to text him just before going to bed (or actually, while already in bed) makes me wonder if he (¿or she?) is trying to set up the following dynamic: The texting makes you feel less like making love with her (an inhibition to the intimacy between you and her). Or, if you DO end up making love, the fact that she has just texted him might make her think about him while she's doing it with you. Another attack on your intimacy.

If you are uncomfortable about her inviting him into your home, she has to see him elsewhere. Is this her idea or his? It really seems to me like he is intent on invading your territory on ALL sides.

It fact, it rather sounds like macho power games being played SERIOUSLY.

I don't believe in telling another person how they're allowed (or not allowed) to carry out their relationships with other people, but I DO believe that you and your wife need to talk honestly about what's going on here... and not just facts but feelings.

It might be "simpler" for her to go full speed into this other relationship, but if she really loves you, she has to consider what's good for you, too. If she only considers what's best/simplest for her (and him), all three of you need to consider the possibility that she doesn't really love you.

¡Un abrazo y mucha suerte!
 
Hi

a) no. I don't think so.

b) More simple for me and her, why we need to hide ourself each time we want to communicate. It will be complex in our day-to-day I think.

c) Attack ... not sure. It's not an attack but more a need (with a love mindset) he just want more and more communication, so regular emotion (& mandatory) request will come soon.

I think, I more upset that she bring the polyamory discussions to find the best way, to be ''safe'', it's more an opportunity to have the best of the two worlds than to go with a transition mono-poly together.

Is it crazy that I ask her to take a break on this and go fresh together in the polyamory world? But it looks like she's already ''engaged'' at this point.
So I should just let it go ? If yes, what is the positive side ?

Who has a mono - poly transition experience to share? good or bad stories, we learn by default!
 
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Salvador, I think I am getting from your recent post that it's not the texting before bed that is the issue so much, but rather this

You are too busy to seek other potential dates
Your wife's new guy has a lot more time on his hands

Also:
You had hoped that you and your wife would date as a couple. I guess you mean, share a partner, whether male or female I do not know. Whether you are bisexual, or she is, you had hoped to find a "unicorn" who would want to date and have sex with both of you in a threesome situation. This is a common idea/fantasy for couples new to poly to have. Or maybe you were even more ambitious in your fantasies and hoped to find another couple that would want to swap partners for fun times, and you all 4 would somehow magically get along perfectly.

But it rarely works out. In the triad scenario, the chances of finding a male or female who will be into both of you equally is slim to none. Oh sure, you can find someone to have sex with both of you at once. Maybe even several times. But the reality is that this unicorn will develop his/her feelings for you and your wife at an unequal rate. Each relationship is between 2 people. You and wife. Wife and new person. You and new person. AND also the three of you together.

Jealousies usually crop up. You'd need to schedule one on one time for each dyad to develop. And the unicorn may find that they are not at all into one or the other of you after all. Or one of you may find you are not that into the unicorn. So it could end up as a twosome for one of you in the end after all.

But, back to the reality of what is going on...

I feel bad for you that you are so busy working, and know that your wife and her current guy have a lot more time on their hands to date, and have sex, and get to know each other. So you don't feel you really have time to explore being polyamorous anyway. That does seem like a tough situation!

And now he even wants to take her away from you in the last couple of hours before bed, when you'd like her to yourself. And she is infatuated and wanting this too! So you're thinking, what's in it for me? And what can we do to make this all work so that no one feels like a martyr?

Your wife needs to slow down. It's perfectly reasonable to ask her to limit her interactions with New Guy to, say, one date a week, while you and she adjust to this new relationship form. It is reasonable for you to request she not have the good night texting happen every single night. After all, she can text him all she wants when you are at work. It is reasonable for you to request once a week talks with her to make sure you are both on the same page. With a counselor if necessary, to give an outside perspective on her current desire to go full steam ahead with new guy, and leave you choking on their dust.

If she refuses (and she has a right to refuse) she might lose you (and your paycheck and her home, possibly). Lust hormones in our brains when in a new relationship can make people act quite irrationally. The new lover is seen as perfect, and hormones make us want to be with them all the time. People can get carried away with "new relationship energy" and act in ways that are against their own long term interests.

If you can read a book together, Opening Up, or More Than Two are very helpful.

But if your wife is just determined to do her own thing, she is making her choice, and you have every right to break up with her. Her own selfishness and disregard for you will be her own downfall. If she doesn't respect your need to move a bit more slowly, it's not polyamory. It's cheating. And cheating is very much looked down upon in the polyamory community.
 
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salvador said:
It's perfectly reasonable to ask her to limit her interactions with New Guy to, say, one date a week, while you and she adjust to this new relationship form.
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I disagree with this tiny little bit of Magdlyns excellent post.
Limiting dates to one a week with a new lover can be a torture, and such a request without a clear objective is likely to feel like an attempt to control. It also doesn't help you to connect with your wife or get what you need from the relationship. I'd say focus on maintaining and improving your connection. Ask for more time with you, not to limit theirs.
 
I disagree with Mags too about asking limiting dates to once a week.

It's my time to do with as I please. I would not tolerate being told how I can spend my free time. I am open to being asked "Hey can we spend some time together " or "the xyz project around the house needs attention." But in the end it is MY choice how I spend my free time.
 
Hello again, salvador!

To be honest (but NOT to be nasty), I have to say that your imperfections in English make it difficult to understand perfectly how you feel.

For example, in your first post you wrote:
He asked her to call/sms every night before to go to bed. What is your thought about this ?

A simple SMS could be nothing but "kill" in my mind our last moment to be together (and more of course in the bed).
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The question "What is your thought about this?" makes me think that YOU feel that that's not quite right, but want our opinion. I understood the sentence "A simple SMS could be nothing but "kill" in my mind our last moment to be together (and more of course in the bed)." to mean that this insistence on an SMS communication each night was "killing" the intimacy between you and your wife.

But your later comments seem to say that you prefer for her to make these connections from bed. It's easier for her and you.

It would be a help (to me) if you could write that sentence "A simple SMS could be nothing but "kill" in my mind our last moment to be together (and more of course in the bed)." in Spanish.

Do you mean "Un sencillo SMS podría no signifar nada, pero por otra banda podría matar (en mi mente)..." or "Un SMS no podría hacer otra cosa que matar (en mi mente)..."

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In reference to the last 3 comments: I don't believe in telling another person how they must relate to a third person. So I don't like this idea of "only one date per week" either.

But you're in the middle of a problem, and it does need to be dealt with.

Two questions: Do you like this other man? Does he like you?

If you both like each other, the situation (as I see it) is this:

There are 3 people who care about each other. Two of them have been together for 10 years (and have 2 children). One of them falls in in love with an old friend and starts a sexual aspect to their relationship. Two of them are happy. The other is suffering. Maybe not suffering TERRIBLY, but at least we can say that he's not happy.

Now, as I see it, the two who are happy should care enough about the feelings of their friend/lover (the one who's unhappy) to sit down (all 3 together) and work out some way that all 3 can be happy... or at least happier.

If you and the other man are not friends, we only have to modify that scenario to: ONE of those two should care enough about the feelings of her friend/lover (the one who's unhappy) - and the other (her old friend / new lover) should have the common decency towards the unhappy one IN ADDITION TO concern for the future happiness of the woman - to sit down (all 3 together) and work out some way that all 3 can be happy... or at least happier.

Of course, the 2 of them are so happy that they're not looking for solutions.

So it's your responsibiity to make sure that the 3 of you communicate - or (at the very least) that you and your partner communicate openly, honestly, and fully - to find a solution acceptable to all 3 of you.

¡Un abrazo!
MFFR
 
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Thanks MrFarFromRight, Dagferi, Tinwen and Magdlyn for your reply, feedbacks.

Agree, with too much limitations, it will not fun for anybody.

I think one of the key is to clarify / define this new relationship will help me to fix my point of view, behaviour with all this. That this new relationship is "something else" than our current relationship and doesn't influence us negatively.
Is it realistic ?

Meet the man, could help to have a better view of this (good or bad, no clue, but more clear for sure ;-) ).
 
I suppose the only way to be sure is to give it a try.
 
OK, so several people thought it was unreasonable for Salvador to request his wife only see New Guy once a week, as Salvador becomes more comfortable with polyamory...

I read him to say New Guy is available all day long. I now see S didn't say his wife was available all day long.

Does she work outside the home? Or is she, like New Guy, also not working (except maybe housework)?

I've just seen too many new poly relationships here where the male is out working 40 or more hours and week, and the wife is home with few responsibilities other than to date and fuck her new person. Sometimes the couple is struggling financially and needs a second income, but the wife is "too depressed" to work, but seemingly not too depressed to have a lover and forget her problems in the rush of NRE.

But perhaps this is not the case here.
 
Hi !

To avoid some wrong path of your imagination, I will add few context. She's working hard too, but has a more flexible agenda during the day (prof). Not depressed, she's really happy and just want to explore the polyamory world (It was in her mind since few years), because generally we want "try new thing and move" (truth for a lot of people).

The second lover, not clear until now what he really want and that the "unknown" that I maybe would like to clarify first.
 
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