Poly Nightmare

J

justagirl33

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm sure that I'm beating a dead horse, but I'm the kind of person that fights for what I want and for someone I love. I feel like I'm the only one fighting and I'm giving it one last go, but I'm running out of ideas, and I'm hoping maybe someone can offer some suggestions.

I've been dating K for over a year now. He's married to A and they've been together for going on 15 years. K wants the poly lifestyle, A just wants a FWB type thing for both of them, but agreed to allow him to have a girlfriend, as he wants the meaningful relationship with someone else. So he put on an online profile and I found him. I became intrigued by the thought and decided to meet up with them. My first meeting was with both of them, she seemed okay with me and gave him the green light to keep seeing me, so we moved forward.

I fell for him pretty quickly and her and I had a wonderful friendship. She was bi-curious and I'm bisexual, but it because pretty evident early on that she wasn't interested in women. So her and I had our own relationship with him separately. I lived and hour and a half away from him and only got to see him once a week for a few hours at a time, sometimes it was just him (and there was the occasion when he would spend the night) and sometimes it was both of them, but as our feelings grew for each other, it became harder and harder not seeing each other. Since they had a home and land, and I wasn't rooted, I was able to pick up and move closer to him. She wasn't happy with this idea, but he assured me that with time, things would be okay.

So I moved roughly 15 minutes from his home, and I did get to see him more. Her and I started doing more things together and things balanced out. Then I got sick, and they decided to move me in. This was a decision that both of them made. Things were okay for awhile, but it was only because I was keeping my mouth shut about the lopsidedness of the relationship. How she would get the majority of his time and I would be left alone for hours on my own. After being with him for a year and a half, I expressed that I would like to work out some sort of compromise so that I could have time with him and he could have time with her. He's expressed how much he loves me, but I fear he's afraid of her. And he's now starting to resent her because she doesn't want me here anymore. She wants her life back. She's become possessive of him, and cold towards him.

I suggested my moving back to the city, because I don't want to cause waves in their marriage, but I do want fair treatment. I've stated what I want, but I get things from him like "this is her house, and I am her husband". It's all about keeping her happy at my expense. And for the first time in my life, I've found enough self respect for myself to state what I need, instead of just rolling over. He hasn't even told her how much I mean to him, just that he loves me. I feel if she knew the extent of his feelings for me then maybe she'd step back and reassess the situation. Right now I feel like she's probably thinking I'm asking for everything and he's just trying to please me, instead of he wants this just as much as I do. All he wants is to make both of his women feel loved and desired, and for everyone to be happy. That's what I want too. All she seems to want is her own happiness and to 'throw him a bone' every once in awhile.

As I mentioned this is my last attempt. Any suggestions on how to deal with this without sacrificing my own happiness? Anything maybe he can talk to her about? I love him so much, and the thought of leaving him breaks my heart, but I can't just bow down anymore.

Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated!
 
Leave. From this you've already tried enough. Imo you shouldn't have even bothered after learning the real setup. Seems like she has veto power, and he's trying to keep the peace (like you said) at the expense of you.
 
I agree with Memorandum.

He says he loves you, but he is making it abundantly clear that you are not as important or as worthy of respect and consideration as his wife. He is placing her above you in his priorities, and he is making decisions about his relationship with you based on what she wants.

Regardless of what he says about her, HE is the one making the choice to put her happiness ahead of his or yours. HE is the one making the choice to accept and tell you to accept how she behaves.

You say he wants both of his women to feel loved and desired, but I'm not seeing that from what you're saying. I'm seeing that he wants to make his wife feel like she has control of his life, and that *your* need to feel loved and desired doesn't matter if it impacts what *she* wants.

You deserve better, in my opinion. I wouldn't make a "last attempt"; I would call it done. But ultimately, that has to be your decision, whether to accept the status quo, or try to negotiate with him and his wife to improve things, or just walk away.
 
I did leave once, for 9 days, after a big blow up where she actually said the divorce word and took off out of the house crying. This was over a conversation where I didn't want to be kept a secret anymore. Just because it doesn't feel natural to have to hide who I am. He doesn't care, he's told a few random select people about me, and it made me feel on top of the world, but when in public and to have to remind yourself to keep your hands to yourself etc, to again keep her happy, annoyed me. I agreed to try and be respectful of her feelings and let it go. But the time management I'm not able to let go.

The problem is I love him so much, I don't want to walk away, but it does look like I'm going to lose no matter what, at the rate things are going.

I was just hoping maybe someone had something that could maybe be tried on his end, to make this work, or make her understand. But in saying that, I often wonder if he wants this as badly as I do. And you're right in saying that these are HIS decisions, to try and appease her, I've already called him out on that, although you worded it better.

I appreciate your feedback on the situation, even though it's not what I want to hear, it's the truth.
 
I suggested my moving back to the city, because I don't want to cause waves in their marriage, but I do want fair treatment. I've stated what I want.
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Could go with this. Move back to city, know and articulate your wants, needs, hard limits that will never change and soft limits that might bend over time.

He can do same. So can she. What lines up? Will line up. What does not? Won't.

But then you at least know once and for all where the chips fall.

Galagirl
 
If I move back to the city it's likely going to be the end of our relationship. I can't see me seeing him once a week for just a couple of hours is going to make me happy. That was the whole point of me moving out here. We missed each other so much when we were apart.

Just the stress of all of this is getting to both of us. He doesn't know how to approach her because she seems unwilling to compromise. In my opinion from seeing how things have gone down over the last year and a half, when she expresses her unhappiness with something, he'll do just about anything to make it right, she always ends up getting what she wants, to some varying degree. I feel that's what she's trying to pull this time to, and he is again, just playing right into her hands. I've expressed all of this to him as well. I'm willing to compromise, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness just so she can be happy!

I will say that after I left here for those 9 days, she didn't want me to come back, she just wanted her life back, but he wanted me back and I'm here. So to an extent he did fight. But it's seeming like things have to go back to the way they were (with me having to act in a way that makes her happy, she has far too much say in our relationship, that she allowed to develop) or they're not going to work at all. He just doesn't know how to deal with her, he's so tied up in HER feelings. So really, my relationship in hinging on how she's going to decide to deal with things. Or how he's going to deal with how she's going to react and where I fit into all of that.

I seriously think after this experience, even though I see all of the benefits to poly, I could never try this again.
 
I can definitely understand and sympathize with your last statement. You're hurting, and because the hurt comes from being in a poly situation, it makes complete sense that you wouldn't want to be part of another poly situation.

I hope that you can see, though, that while you are definitely in a painful and unfair relationship right now, it isn't because it's polyamorous; it's because of the other people involved in *this* relationship.

That isn't to say you should ever give polyamory another try; if you feel it isn't right for you, it isn't right. But it is possible to have a polyamorous situation that isn't painful or unfair, if you were to decide in the future that you wanted to try it again.
 
To play devils advocate...

I know I personally would not tolerate another woman living in my home. It is my safe place.

Move out get your own space where your bf can come see you.
 
Dagferi said:
To play devils advocate...

I know I personally would not tolerate another woman living in my home. It is my safe place.

Move out get your own space where your bf can come see you.
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In all fairness, she invited me to live in her house in the first place. I was hesitant and she actually talked to me about it and told me she wanted me here. I didn't just move in against her will.
 
But she doesn't want you there now.

She was probably being nice because a) you were Ill and b) she wanted to make her husband happy at the expense of herself.

She doesn't want you there now. Are you that much a gluttony for punishment or do you just enjoy torturing her with your presence.

Why stay where you are un wanted.
 
If you move out why does it need to be the end?

One of the things I love in principle about poly is that relationships don't have to fit any particular shape. We can have people we love in our lives even if they can't give us (or we can't give them) as much time as might like because of other commitments.

A secondary role in someone's life can be a really quite nice thing to have if you also have the freedom to seek or continue other relationships. None of the responsibility or work of shared finances/housework/child rearing to constantly deal with together, just the escapism of loving one another and taking a break from normal.

(I have a husband and kids and a secondary long distance relationship with someone who also has a full time primary partner).
 
There was a period where you lived nearby but not actually in their home. The move into their home was supposed to be temporary, because you were sick? Presumably quite ill and unable to work and pay rent on your own place as you had been previously?

This may be what the wife agreed to out of the kindness of her heart. But now she sees you as a second wife in her home, and she feels territorial. I actually find this understandable. You wore out your welcome as a guest. That is not a reflection on how nice you may be, it's just a fact that guests, like fish, start to stink after 3 days.

If you want to keep anything going with your bf, move somewhere nearby and see if you can negotiate and schedule more time together. But if the wife continues to be really jealous, and won't or can't share him, he has to choose, you or her. Or she has to choose, to stay with him and share, or to leave him. She doesn't really have a right to tell him to stop seeing you or loving you. Vetoes really don't work.

It sounds like there are other issues. You seem to really want a mono bf, ultimately, who you can spend lots of time with, and with whom you can be "out," out as his gf to family and friends, able to show PDAs, celebrate holidays, take vacations, ultimately, share a home.

Maybe you're better off with a mono bf and leaving poly behind, at least for now.
 
I totally get why you want what you want and I believe you are right to seek what you want.

However, this isn't what she told him she wanted. She compromised. She tried to share what she invested many years of her life into with you. Now it would seem, to her, that you want what she has beyond her ability to share.
We talk much about love being infinite. That's all nice in theory. But what we love, we invest finite resources into. Time and money go into a shared life in the way of a home. She earned this home with her time and money. You didn't or haven't as much. So while you're looking at her as withholding and him as having to appease her, she could well see him as not living up to agreements, asking for further and further compromise, and you the ever pressing intruder with growing wants for what she already earned and invested.
She isn't keeping you from what you want. She's trying to keep what she has.
This is his home. He invested in it with her with his time and money. He met you and emotions grew for you. He has you in his life saying "this isn't good enough; I want this and this too". What else do we do when we have someone we care for telling us what we give is no longer good enough? Unfortunately we often offer excuses.
He would give you X, Y, and Z if not for her....
And you want to believe its that black and white because you care for him. Its just easier to see her as your obstacle. Just like its easy to see you as a wanting thief.

I'd go earn a home with your time and money and if he wants to be a partner to you, maybe he'll help. And maybe you'll have to find a different investor. But I don't see how she is really stopping you.
 
yes, I get the point that she's being possessive, which isn't a very good emotion, as has been brought to my attention many times over the years. We don't own people.

When I did live on my own, closer to him, it didn't work. She faught against him for his time. When I did move in, I was very sick. Cancer, which I still have and I'm still fighting. I'm not sure if I'm going to win or not, but I'm trying.

I sat down with him and talked again, I see truth in everything everyone is writing. He doesn't want me to leave, he doesn't want me to move out, and he certainly doesn't want to lose me. He said he's going to talk with her again tonight, because of all she said in the beginning, it's not fair that she's pulling the carpet out underneath both of our feet. Right now she's only looking out for her best interest, her happiness. Not even the happiness of her husband.
 
I am sorry to hear you are dealing in cancer recovery. That is rough.

I mean all this kindly, ok? :eek:

So I moved roughly 15 minutes from his home, and I did get to see him more.
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Sounds like 15 min away worked for you back then.

I suggested my moving back to the city, because I don't want to cause waves in their marriage, but I do want fair treatment
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If I move back to the city it's likely going to be the end of our relationship.
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Why are you offering to move back to the city that is 1.5 hours away when 15 min worked before?

If moving to the city means breaking up and you do not want to break up, why do you offer it on the table as a solution? Why not concentrate on 15 min away options you could do instead to help reduce the waves in the marriage that come from you being in the home?

When I did live on my own, closer to him, it didn't work. She faught against him for his time.
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So? Just because you now know they struggled with time management back then? It still worked for YOU before. Could go back to what works for YOU. Leave their struggles to them to sort out.

Even if she's in poly hell, you could improve YOUR home life. In moving out you could get to continue to heal from cancer in a home that is calmer. One that isn't full of their arguments that you have to watch play out.

Whether or not they continue arguing in the other home -- it could stay over there. Could tell your hinge to seek a counselor if he needs to air out with someone, but not bring it up to you any more in your new place because you have your own recovery to be doing.

He could see you and he could see her. He could manage his own time. You could trust him to do it. If anything he might appreciate time away in a home that isn't crazy arguing. It could be sanctuary from the arguments for him too!

He doesn't want me to leave, he doesn't want me to move out, and he certainly doesn't want to lose me.
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Well, you moving out 15 min away isn't you breaking up with him. You could move out and let him see he has not "lost" the relationship after all.

Why does he want you to be doing cancer recovery in what has become a super stressy house? How is that loving behavior toward you?

Right now she's only looking out for her best interest, her happiness.
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I'm willing to compromise, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness just so she can be happy!
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Sounds like everyone is out for "my happy" Can't fault her for behaving same as you do on the "happy front." Or is it that you would prefer she subsume her happiness for yours and husband's?

Sounds like this group is not yet out for "what solutions reduces stress for now so we can calm down first before continuing to work on this in a calmer way?"

I think you moving back out helps reduce stress. So could seeking a counselor for all to see.

Could move to a calm home, could do your cancer recovery in peace, could continue to date him from a 15 min distance, could trust he will give you the time you need. Could choose to get away from the wacky. Not HIM, but the wacky living conditions. For longer than 9 days -- if he cries that he wants you back, you tell him you are sorry but you cannot under these circumstances at this time. (cancer, upset wife.) Someday in future y'all can try living together again, but for now separate homes is better. He can adjust, and he can manage his time between you both.

BOTTOM LINE

Right now YOU choose to stay in a home you do not own where you feel uncomfortable are no longer welcome. What purpose does this serve?

How does your choice to stay in that wacky house...
  • ... help with your cancer recovery process?
  • ... help deescalate things?
  • ... meet your want to help reduce the waves in the marriage?
  • ... increase the odds of negotiating for fair treatment/new boundaries with calmer people?
  • ... when wife is unhappy about it demonstrate your willingness to compromise with wife?
  • ... add to your happiness right now?

Galagirl :(
 
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sounds like you are secondary partner to him. If you don't want to be a secondary partner go find someone else you don't have to put up with that if that's not what you want. You could have a different partner and have him be a secondary or coprimary but he doesn't have to be just the only one in your life
 
I would never tolerate having my partner's wife call the shots in my relationship there would be a very clear define boundary regarding time management and I would expect and if my partner was not able to do that for me then he'd have to go because I could not be with somebody who couldn't stand up for our relationship
 
Why he can't spend 3-4 nights with you at your home (alternating that 4th night with her) Why would it only be a couple hours once a week? I think living away from their town where you and he can be openly affectionate would be good
 
I don't think its fair to rest it all on what "she said in the beginning". What she said in the beginning is really that she was okay with FWB. Not this.
She gave it a try. Gave compromise. Now it doesn't work and you're in HER home.
In your own home she has no say. And you're right, he can't be owned and can go to YOUR home.
 
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Justagirl... you are being just as selfish if not more so than the wife is.

All I hear is me.. what I want.. blah blah blah. What about HER feelings and needs.

Thank god Murf doesn't act like you... Butch would kill him. I am glad my husbands gf is nothing like you.

Your bf could do the right thing and split his time equally between separate homes he shares with each of you. I do it despite 2 men with crappy schedules and me working 60-70 hrs a week.. I manage it with kids and pets in tow too. I still spend 12-16 days a month's with Murf.
 
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