Thank you. I will PM Kevin!
Poly Problems
- Thread starter PolyAnn
- Start date
Thank you. I will PM Kevin!
Hi guys! I'm back with a new problem.
As you know my partner's primary left him. It's over, it's been over for months. I thought about leaving him as the dynamic had changed and I was scared. I was scared because I knew I could love him. We have an amazing relationship.
So, fast forward to now. His other secondary partner ghosted him and we decided to give our relationship a lot of focus. We were super happy. Great sex life, fun dates, and now we're coming to the end of our honeymoon period.
I want to be clear he does not want to see other people, he's not bored, he is very kind and giving and I love everything about our time together. In fact, I think this is the first time I've every really been in love.
But, he seems to have anxiety that just now has began to display. We had a really bad weekend away this past weekend and I learned that the things I'm about to describe to you he has done in his past relationships.
He seems to go into depressive periods where he hyper focuses on the negative aspects of being in a relationship. This really hurts him and he's torn up inside. It gets better for a bit but then he's back to telling me maybe he's just not ready, maybe he's not attracted to me in the way he thinks he should be, maybe I love him more. But he never leaves and he never threatens. We talk it out.
It's a cycle though and it hurts and I do feel like every time we cycle this I get closer to losing him.
He is seeking help via a therapist starting this week.
He does want to be with me. He says he hopes at the end of this we can move on and grow old together.
How do I provide him support and help our relationship flourish?
As you know my partner's primary left him. It's over, it's been over for months. I thought about leaving him as the dynamic had changed and I was scared. I was scared because I knew I could love him. We have an amazing relationship.
So, fast forward to now. His other secondary partner ghosted him and we decided to give our relationship a lot of focus. We were super happy. Great sex life, fun dates, and now we're coming to the end of our honeymoon period.
I want to be clear he does not want to see other people, he's not bored, he is very kind and giving and I love everything about our time together. In fact, I think this is the first time I've every really been in love.
But, he seems to have anxiety that just now has began to display. We had a really bad weekend away this past weekend and I learned that the things I'm about to describe to you he has done in his past relationships.
He seems to go into depressive periods where he hyper focuses on the negative aspects of being in a relationship. This really hurts him and he's torn up inside. It gets better for a bit but then he's back to telling me maybe he's just not ready, maybe he's not attracted to me in the way he thinks he should be, maybe I love him more. But he never leaves and he never threatens. We talk it out.
It's a cycle though and it hurts and I do feel like every time we cycle this I get closer to losing him.
He is seeking help via a therapist starting this week.
He does want to be with me. He says he hopes at the end of this we can move on and grow old together.
How do I provide him support and help our relationship flourish?
Hi PolyAnn,
I believe you are already doing the most important thing you can do; that is, he is going to see a therapist. As for what you can do besides that, maybe the next time he starts focusing on the negative aspects of being in the relationship, you could say, "We've had this conversation before. We always talk it out. I don't want to lose you. I don't think you want to lose me. But it does hurt when you get like this." Something like that. Something so that he recognizes the pattern. But as I said, the most important thing is for him to see the therapist.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I believe you are already doing the most important thing you can do; that is, he is going to see a therapist. As for what you can do besides that, maybe the next time he starts focusing on the negative aspects of being in the relationship, you could say, "We've had this conversation before. We always talk it out. I don't want to lose you. I don't think you want to lose me. But it does hurt when you get like this." Something like that. Something so that he recognizes the pattern. But as I said, the most important thing is for him to see the therapist.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I think maybe you could ask about having a few appointments as a couple with the therapist.
To determine what is APPROPRIATE level support hat you could provide for him? And what would be doing too much / be detrimental?
As well as what support YOU might need through this that he could reasonably provide.
And what supports you need from outside the system of just you two -- maybe from friends or family?
Galagirl
Hi PolyAnn,
I am sorry I missed your thread until now. You sure have gone through a lot of personal and relationship changes in 4 months!
You started seeing a newly poly guy who was in a 5 year relationship. He also had a casual gf. Soon after you started dating him, his LTR ended. You felt pressured to see him "too much" because you are "very busy."
His LTR partner had felt a lack of passion in their relationship and left your bf because her new poly partners were apparently sexier, more exciting (good old NRE!).
That is when you posted. You were seeing him every day, seemingly against your will, since you didn't want so much commitment, but you felt you almost had to see him that often, to comfort him during his breakup.
You had to negotiate "no sex bruises/hickeys" from his other gf at that point too.
You were ready to leave him because there was too much pressure to see him often to comfort him. You didn't feel you loved him, but you had feelings developing. You decided to stay. He didn't want another gf. So your idea that he could get a primary to take pressure off you didn't fly. But now he seemed monogamous and content with just you. So you gave it a chance.
Fast forward to now. You see him every day. You are in love. His other gf left him for some reason.
It's only been 4 months since you met, and you feel the "honeymoon" (NRE) is over. This is a bit early for NRE to end in a good relationship. But mental issues such as anxiety can end NRE early because the typically anxious person is overthinking things. Or has other life issues which are distracting them from enjoying their personal relationships.
This actually happened to me with my current partner of 9 years. I was still head over heels in NRE and she suddenly lost hers after 3 months. This was very disappointing for me. It led to less sex. It led to my excitement at seeing her being tempered by worrying she'd be sitting tensely on the couch in a funk when I arrived. It was no reflection on me or us though, she just couldn't stay on Cloud 9 that long because of various heavy life issues. My own NRE continued for 12-18 months. Happily she was seeing a therapist when we met, and soon went on anti-depressants, has healed and grown. She also is very loving and sensitive to meeting my needs as best as ever she can, and has been a wonderful partner for close to a decade now. So I offer you hope.
I read that your bf has anxiety over being in a relationship. This is a general statement. Maybe there is something specific he is worried about? Maybe both his prior partners left him partly because of his anxiety issues?
Therapy should help. And perhaps his therapist will recommend he see a psychiatrist and go on meds as well.
I offer my support at all the changes you've had to go through with this man, busy as you are! I hope he gets a good therapist and works through some of his issues and becomes a healthier partner.
Meanwhile, how are YOU doing? Are you still feeling pressured to give more than is healthy for you? Has your life become less busy in other areas, and you now have more free time for bf?
BTW, can you give him a nickname as suggested in our Guidelines? Thanks in advance!
I am sorry I missed your thread until now. You sure have gone through a lot of personal and relationship changes in 4 months!
You started seeing a newly poly guy who was in a 5 year relationship. He also had a casual gf. Soon after you started dating him, his LTR ended. You felt pressured to see him "too much" because you are "very busy."
His LTR partner had felt a lack of passion in their relationship and left your bf because her new poly partners were apparently sexier, more exciting (good old NRE!).
That is when you posted. You were seeing him every day, seemingly against your will, since you didn't want so much commitment, but you felt you almost had to see him that often, to comfort him during his breakup.
You had to negotiate "no sex bruises/hickeys" from his other gf at that point too.
You were ready to leave him because there was too much pressure to see him often to comfort him. You didn't feel you loved him, but you had feelings developing. You decided to stay. He didn't want another gf. So your idea that he could get a primary to take pressure off you didn't fly. But now he seemed monogamous and content with just you. So you gave it a chance.
Fast forward to now. You see him every day. You are in love. His other gf left him for some reason.
It's only been 4 months since you met, and you feel the "honeymoon" (NRE) is over. This is a bit early for NRE to end in a good relationship. But mental issues such as anxiety can end NRE early because the typically anxious person is overthinking things. Or has other life issues which are distracting them from enjoying their personal relationships.
This actually happened to me with my current partner of 9 years. I was still head over heels in NRE and she suddenly lost hers after 3 months. This was very disappointing for me. It led to less sex. It led to my excitement at seeing her being tempered by worrying she'd be sitting tensely on the couch in a funk when I arrived. It was no reflection on me or us though, she just couldn't stay on Cloud 9 that long because of various heavy life issues. My own NRE continued for 12-18 months. Happily she was seeing a therapist when we met, and soon went on anti-depressants, has healed and grown. She also is very loving and sensitive to meeting my needs as best as ever she can, and has been a wonderful partner for close to a decade now. So I offer you hope.
I read that your bf has anxiety over being in a relationship. This is a general statement. Maybe there is something specific he is worried about? Maybe both his prior partners left him partly because of his anxiety issues?
Therapy should help. And perhaps his therapist will recommend he see a psychiatrist and go on meds as well.
I offer my support at all the changes you've had to go through with this man, busy as you are! I hope he gets a good therapist and works through some of his issues and becomes a healthier partner.
Meanwhile, how are YOU doing? Are you still feeling pressured to give more than is healthy for you? Has your life become less busy in other areas, and you now have more free time for bf?
BTW, can you give him a nickname as suggested in our Guidelines? Thanks in advance!
Thanks guys. Sorry for the late reply. I've kind of just been off the radar.
He went to therapy and feels better, he says we're normal and fine but I still feel off.
I'm worn out, tired, and not performing at work. I'm honestly at a loss of what to do.
This seems to be, according to the therapist, the normal grieving process for a loss, the loss of a loved one.
I'm just trying to wait it out.
He just feels so distant.
He went to therapy and feels better, he says we're normal and fine but I still feel off.
I'm worn out, tired, and not performing at work. I'm honestly at a loss of what to do.
This seems to be, according to the therapist, the normal grieving process for a loss, the loss of a loved one.
I'm just trying to wait it out.
He just feels so distant.
Hi PolyAnn,
I'm sorry to hear that the problem has not yet been repaired. It sounds like the first steps have been taken, now you have to figure out how to keep your head above water while the process continues. He is currently distancing himself from you, he is protecting himself. That would certainly take a toll on you. Would it help you if you went to see a therapist as well? Being worn out and tired all the time is not good. You need some strategies on how to feel better in spite of all the obstacles.
Hang in there,
Kevin T.
I'm sorry to hear that the problem has not yet been repaired. It sounds like the first steps have been taken, now you have to figure out how to keep your head above water while the process continues. He is currently distancing himself from you, he is protecting himself. That would certainly take a toll on you. Would it help you if you went to see a therapist as well? Being worn out and tired all the time is not good. You need some strategies on how to feel better in spite of all the obstacles.
Hang in there,
Kevin T.
Might be fine for him on his side, but not for you on your side.
It's been a LOT of things in a short time. Like up and downs.
The primary break up.
You not sure you want to be primary or what.
You deciding you DO want to invest more here.
The other secondary ghosting.
His mental health taking a ding and him needing to talk to his therapist.
In all this it reasonable that YOUR mental health has taken a ding too. YOU might need some rest, some TLC, and maybe a counselor for extra support in this time of so many changes?
That is on HIS side. That is HIS experience because he's had two breaks ups close together.
I think you could to better than that on YOUR side of the experience. You cannot be your BF's "life raft" person that holds him up through all his things.
Don't neglect doing your OWN self care. This is what I meant in previous post about what amount of help you can provide him that is appropriate. And what is not. Either because it holds him back from really healing or it becomes a drag or draining for you. You don't want to burn out. You sound at risk for doing so. You sound really run down.
Just like in a plane... you have to put your OWN oxygen mask on first before trying to help other people.
You too have gone through a lot of changes. You count and matter too.
Galagirl
Honestly I feel like I need to let him go. He's intent on ruining it. I just don't know how to do that. I have really fallen for him and we do have a damn good relationship.
It's just so easy for him to feel negatively about us because I am here. Like, he hasn't even had a NC period with his old primary but he asks his therapist if it's me causing the anxiety because I am a link from his past. Maybe try not talking to her and grieving properly before blaming me? I've done literally nothing. I've been very supportive.
Have you brought that up? Maybe rather than doing nothing, you could speak up?
That rather than blaming you for being a "link to the past" that is causing him problems with his healing, how about him still talking to his break up person being a problem that is holding him back from healing?
Otherwise... if what you need is a break or a total break up? Do what you need at this time. I'm worried that you are making be all about him and you aren't taking care of what YOU need right now.
If being around all his negativity, blaming, and him not grieving appropriately is becoming a drain on you? Maybe you could use a time out?
Galagirl
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MayDecember
New member
This is symptomatic of the General in charge not having a plan.
I finally achieved success in a big way by writing down on paper what I wanted.
It was actually two lists, one of "must haves" and the other of "deal breakers".
When you fall into relationships without a plan, you muddle along with ad-hoc decisions. You stay with people you should leave out of convenience and not having a clear idea what you want out of relationships.
When you have a list on paper in your wallet then everyone you meet as a potential partner - you just go straight down the list of check boxes.
This is a kind thing to do for people, to have very clear preferences and relationship plans so that they can see right away what you are all about and not waste their precious time.
You deceive no-one, especially yourself, by saying oh, this guy is just so hot and such a stallion in bed... but he just left his wife and his new girlfriend is Muslim so I have to become Muslim except my parents will never speak to me again but I do get a bride price of gold as a Muslim so blah blah blah [big knotted ball of confusion]
The Romans used to have two mottos, "Know Thyself" was the first. Moderation in all things was the second, but the first is on point here.
You really have to know what you want instead of acting from the position you are currently in. It's a pretty big distinction being #1 vs #2, is it not?
If we backed up a bit, had you write out on paper what you want to engineer in your life, and then "introduce" this guy to you - what would you decide? Before you had sex with him, that is.
Suppose you see he is a relationship wrecker with his #1, as you say.
The math is pretty easy then. If you want to be #2, then you are #2 to successions of #1's with all the drama and turmoil that means to you. Look at how you feel. That's the future.
If you want to be #1, then... lol. Need I say more? You can't solve his problems. You are only in control of yourself.
You can have really good relationships and sex with lots of people. That doesn't mean hitching your wagon to them is right.
Good luck, and much warm wishes to you.
Things have taken a worse turn. We still have lots of plans and meet for dates and he is doing better in therapy and is back to being his normal playful self. But a lot of time he's still confused on whether he wants to be in a relationship at all, not just with me. He loves me and doesn't want to take a break, he doesn't want to date others or for me to date others but it's really breaking me up.
Our communication is amazing. Sex is amazing. 90% of the time spent together is amazing but it always comes back to this same conversation and my anxiety is out of control.
Our communication is amazing. Sex is amazing. 90% of the time spent together is amazing but it always comes back to this same conversation and my anxiety is out of control.
To me it sounds like you are right. You have to let him go because it always comes back to this convo, it's breaking you up, and your anxiety is out of control. Even if communication and sex are great? It's not enough to ease the stressfulness.
So close... but ultimately no because (you choosing to keep on participating here) is hurting your health.
Galagirl
So close... but ultimately no because (you choosing to keep on participating here) is hurting your health.
Galagirl
Hi PolyAnn,
It sounds like he is thinking about throwing his relationship with you away, in spite of the fact that your relationship with him is extremely positive. I'm sorry he is doing that, there is nothing as far as I can tell that you can do to convince him to stop acting that way. He has to make his own decisions, meanwhile you are stuck with the fallout. It seems obvious to me that it would be a mistake to break up with him. But what can you do if he decides to break up with you? No wonder you are feeling so anxious. He needs to man up and realize that this relationship is far too valuable for him to just throw it away. I realize that he's not doing that now, but it bothers me that he's thinking about it. What does he hope to accomplish?
I suppose you could talk to him about how this is making you feel ... He should realize that he is not acting in a vacuum, his thoughts and actions affect you too. I know that you love him. Does he love you? Does he know how much you love him? how much it would hurt you if he left? Maybe have a conversation with him about that.
I'm so sorry you're caught in this situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like he is thinking about throwing his relationship with you away, in spite of the fact that your relationship with him is extremely positive. I'm sorry he is doing that, there is nothing as far as I can tell that you can do to convince him to stop acting that way. He has to make his own decisions, meanwhile you are stuck with the fallout.
It seems obvious to me that it would be a mistake to break up with him. But what can you do if he decides to break up with you? No wonder you are feeling so anxious. He needs to man up and realize that this relationship is far too valuable for him to just throw it away. I realize that he's not doing that now, but it bothers me that he's thinking about it. What does he hope to accomplish?I suppose you could talk to him about how this is making you feel ... He should realize that he is not acting in a vacuum, his thoughts and actions affect you too. I know that you love him. Does he love you? Does he know how much you love him? how much it would hurt you if he left? Maybe have a conversation with him about that.
I'm so sorry you're caught in this situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I think for now when I see him for camping this weekend I am going to ask for a relationship break with clearly defined rules that make us both happy. My main love language is quality time so it will be hard for me but I'll survive. He needs to grieve the loss of his last primary relationship.
MayDecember
New member
hooray!
I am soooo big on clearly defined rules that make everyone happy!!
Well then I hope your cup overflows with it. Good luck to you, hon.
I think a break is just what you need.
You say 90% of the time you and he are good. But then 10% of the time he's anxious and thinks he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all. So, even if he's only saying that 10% of the time, that's enough to really hurt your feelings. I'd feel devalued in your place.
I agree he needs to grieve his long term relationship, and maybe the casual one as well.
I hope you and he can take a nice break. Give it 40 days of no contact. Try hard to make it completely no contact! No texting, no phone calls, no in person meets. No stalking his social media either.
One he heals some, grieves some, keeps up with therapy, maybe in time he will be stronger and appreciate you more. In the meantime you can work on what you want and don't want from a relationship. One thing I'd recommend is you don't want to be a life raft, overtaxing yourself to "help" him (or others). Put your own oxygen mask on first. Take care of yourself now, rest, eat great, exercise, do your favorite hobbies. Go see your besties. Go play bar trivia, or other fun activities you like. Play with babies or pet a cat. lol Buy a new shirt, get your hair or toenails done, whatever.
Well he went to therapy and everything was great for a month. September was crap as he started therapy but October was wonderful and November was shaping up to be a good month.
We have so much love and affection for each other it's almost ridiculous.
When he started therapy he asked his ex primary to stop casually contacting him. He went to therapy and things were getting way better. Out of the blue last week she started commenting on his social media. After the second comment he texted her and asked her if she'd consider coming back, her answer was I don't know. Of course I'm now a problem again.
I know five years is a long time. And I know how we were together before the break and how we are when she's not messing with him. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through this.
She started Poly to test the waters of her dating. Once she found some partners she broke up with him. While he was still living in the house she wanted to bring her new boys over to stay with her while he was there.
Now that his social feed is full of amazing things she wants to reach out again and ruin everything.
I told him that we are no longer in a relationship and that he needs to call his therapist. I told him we would see each other once a week to keep the lines of communication open.
His therapist told him yesterday to try to sort himself out and then chose between us.
If he goes back to her it will be back to the girl who ignored him, who wouldn't cuddle with him and he needs that, who didn't engage his friends and spend time with him.
I really don't care if I end up with him. I want him. I love him like I've loved no one else, and I do think he's worth it.
I just want him to be happy and giving her all the power and not asking for changes and just going back to the same thing isn't okay.
I'm at a loss, guys.
We have so much love and affection for each other it's almost ridiculous.
When he started therapy he asked his ex primary to stop casually contacting him. He went to therapy and things were getting way better. Out of the blue last week she started commenting on his social media. After the second comment he texted her and asked her if she'd consider coming back, her answer was I don't know. Of course I'm now a problem again.
I know five years is a long time. And I know how we were together before the break and how we are when she's not messing with him. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through this.
She started Poly to test the waters of her dating. Once she found some partners she broke up with him. While he was still living in the house she wanted to bring her new boys over to stay with her while he was there.
Now that his social feed is full of amazing things she wants to reach out again and ruin everything.
I told him that we are no longer in a relationship and that he needs to call his therapist. I told him we would see each other once a week to keep the lines of communication open.
His therapist told him yesterday to try to sort himself out and then chose between us.
If he goes back to her it will be back to the girl who ignored him, who wouldn't cuddle with him and he needs that, who didn't engage his friends and spend time with him.
I really don't care if I end up with him. I want him. I love him like I've loved no one else, and I do think he's worth it.
I just want him to be happy and giving her all the power and not asking for changes and just going back to the same thing isn't okay.
I'm at a loss, guys.