Xftmfz
New member
I don’t even know where to start. I am turning 30 this week and I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years. For the past three we have been into swinging. It started with her having an interest in females - which she really likes and still enjoys when possible. Some of it has been great, and some of it has been a challenge – but nonetheless, here we are. Over the past three years, my entire perspective on marriage, sex, what it means to me, what I’m okay with, WHO I am, etc. – has changed more in the polyamorous direction in terms of how I see myself in an “uncontrolled” state.
The controlled state that I am in, I think, is my problem.
We’ve done the therapy thing. First one was not “sex positive” – and basically seemed to reinforce what I felt were the issues between us. It only mattered what she did not want (a list too long for any human to wish to read – basically anything that makes a monogamous person jealous – with a few exceptions, we have to have a rule to avoid that for her). It was interesting watching this therapist squirm trying to be non-judgmental but ultimately failing by giving advice that completely ignored the concerns of half of the relationship. What I desired was not only less important, but pretty much irrelevant. I don’t think I should have my way all the time, but when many of the desires I wish for have nothing to do with her – it’s bothering me more and more why she should be able to control that aspect of my life.
So we found a “sex positive” therapist. He was much better. However, he pretty much focused on trying to get us to both converse on “win - win” type situations – which seems impossible. In therapy sessions, he could ask her a question – and it might take a while – but she eventually answered. “What do you want out of the connections you make?” – something like, “I want to be listened to, I don’t want to be ignored. I feel like [he] leaves me behind and forgets I’m there.” There in-lies the issue with playing together all the time: it’s simply not easy. And when one person craves the connection more – it’s been almost debilitating to our relationship. Eventually after getting the same advice, “Talk it out till you come to a win-win” three or four times…I gave up on pushing that.
Anything I might do where I might experience pleasure where she isn’t being equally pleasured is not allowed.
Same bed. Same room. No exceptions. No anal (because she doesn’t like it). Can’t text our friends we have sex with “too much”. Can’t flirt with them too much. Can’t kiss them at parties until it’s naked time. Can’t forget to look her way an “acceptable” amount of times [during sex w/ others] (and make sure she makes eye contact or it didn’t happen). Can’t talk to anyone new unless she approves of both the female and the male. Don’t even TALK about playing alone, or in a separate room, and “love” is only for married couples. Stomach churning yet? Mine is.
She never admits that she doesn’t want to lead this lifestyle, but she reminds me frequently that she “doesn’t need this or obsess over it like I do. It’s not an important part of her life, etc.” Of course, the fact that it is important to me is no consolation – also, “what is important to you?” yields no answer.
She seems extremely attached to the nonchalant aspect of swinging, where as I’m somewhere else on the spectrum. I want to know my partners inside and out. I don’t feel like I need a “girlfriend” or anything like that – but I don’t necessarily rule out the possibility that if it worked, it would work. – if that makes any sense…
What do I want? I’m afraid to answer. I’m so curious. I want to know what it feels like to be completely uninhibited. I want to know who I would be, if I did as I pleased – instead of treading so carefully through life as to not upset my spouse with my own personal desires. I have no idea if polyamory would work for me. I used to think what I wanted was for her to be on the same page as me – but the more I read on the subject of polyamorous lifestyles, jealousy, and relationships – the more I realize I’m craving her acceptance. And she won’t give it to me unless I obey the rules. I feel like I don’t really need “permanent” type connections – but I hate being constrained to basically, “you can go as far as I feel comfortable, then you have to stop”.
Any of you ladies and gents been here? Any advice? Anything at all? I’m on this board because – in my experience – swingers don’t talk. They stay completely private. They don’t open up and say how they feel – because that intimacy scares the shit out of all of them for the most part. I’ve been writing in journals and what not but I needed to converse and tell this to a real person (or people in this case). Any comments or suggestion are welcome. Thanks for reading my depressing spill.
The controlled state that I am in, I think, is my problem.
We’ve done the therapy thing. First one was not “sex positive” – and basically seemed to reinforce what I felt were the issues between us. It only mattered what she did not want (a list too long for any human to wish to read – basically anything that makes a monogamous person jealous – with a few exceptions, we have to have a rule to avoid that for her). It was interesting watching this therapist squirm trying to be non-judgmental but ultimately failing by giving advice that completely ignored the concerns of half of the relationship. What I desired was not only less important, but pretty much irrelevant. I don’t think I should have my way all the time, but when many of the desires I wish for have nothing to do with her – it’s bothering me more and more why she should be able to control that aspect of my life.
So we found a “sex positive” therapist. He was much better. However, he pretty much focused on trying to get us to both converse on “win - win” type situations – which seems impossible. In therapy sessions, he could ask her a question – and it might take a while – but she eventually answered. “What do you want out of the connections you make?” – something like, “I want to be listened to, I don’t want to be ignored. I feel like [he] leaves me behind and forgets I’m there.” There in-lies the issue with playing together all the time: it’s simply not easy. And when one person craves the connection more – it’s been almost debilitating to our relationship. Eventually after getting the same advice, “Talk it out till you come to a win-win” three or four times…I gave up on pushing that.
Anything I might do where I might experience pleasure where she isn’t being equally pleasured is not allowed.
Same bed. Same room. No exceptions. No anal (because she doesn’t like it). Can’t text our friends we have sex with “too much”. Can’t flirt with them too much. Can’t kiss them at parties until it’s naked time. Can’t forget to look her way an “acceptable” amount of times [during sex w/ others] (and make sure she makes eye contact or it didn’t happen). Can’t talk to anyone new unless she approves of both the female and the male. Don’t even TALK about playing alone, or in a separate room, and “love” is only for married couples. Stomach churning yet? Mine is.
She never admits that she doesn’t want to lead this lifestyle, but she reminds me frequently that she “doesn’t need this or obsess over it like I do. It’s not an important part of her life, etc.” Of course, the fact that it is important to me is no consolation – also, “what is important to you?” yields no answer.
She seems extremely attached to the nonchalant aspect of swinging, where as I’m somewhere else on the spectrum. I want to know my partners inside and out. I don’t feel like I need a “girlfriend” or anything like that – but I don’t necessarily rule out the possibility that if it worked, it would work. – if that makes any sense…
What do I want? I’m afraid to answer. I’m so curious. I want to know what it feels like to be completely uninhibited. I want to know who I would be, if I did as I pleased – instead of treading so carefully through life as to not upset my spouse with my own personal desires. I have no idea if polyamory would work for me. I used to think what I wanted was for her to be on the same page as me – but the more I read on the subject of polyamorous lifestyles, jealousy, and relationships – the more I realize I’m craving her acceptance. And she won’t give it to me unless I obey the rules. I feel like I don’t really need “permanent” type connections – but I hate being constrained to basically, “you can go as far as I feel comfortable, then you have to stop”.
Any of you ladies and gents been here? Any advice? Anything at all? I’m on this board because – in my experience – swingers don’t talk. They stay completely private. They don’t open up and say how they feel – because that intimacy scares the shit out of all of them for the most part. I’ve been writing in journals and what not but I needed to converse and tell this to a real person (or people in this case). Any comments or suggestion are welcome. Thanks for reading my depressing spill.
