Anybody know of a really old person enjoying poly? Like, geriatric age (say, older than 70). Older the better. As we age, do most who practise poly eventually settle into polyfidelity/monogamy and spend time on their grandchildren or do they still enjoy the possibility of new romantic relationships?
I used to attend a meetup ran by a poly woman in her late 60s or early 70s. She ended up stepping down so she could travel more to see her long distance partners and family (kids and grandkids were super spread out as well)
I think it depends on the people and their time/energy/inclinations at that age.
I know of an elder in her 70's. She's not poly. But she recently remarried. Her third husband. She's been widowed twice before. So... good for her. She knows what she wants as a senior.
Meanwhile my 70's aunt recently buried her first and only husband and she plans to sell the house and go to the convent to spend the end of her days as a nun. She's done. She wants no other husbands. So... good for her also. She too knows what she wants to be doing as a senior.
The eldest "V" grouping I know has been that way more 40 years. They are in their 70's. They practice a very "separate V" thing where the shared hinge husband goes between houses. He basically has two separate families with 2 separate wives and 2 separate sets of children. My mom's friends. (Only the first wife is legal.)
It's not all been roses and cupcakes -- there's been struggles over the years and I think one of the adult kids from the first wife still doesn't like the fact that they have had to grow up "sharing Dad" all this time and really dislikes/hates second wife for existing. I think that's part of why they ran/run a "very separate V" thing as the best possible thing. If there's THIS level of resentment when things were separate? I cannot imagine the level of resentments growing with all these people under one roof had they gone down that path.
Now of course, all the kids have grown up and moved out so maybe it matters less? I don't know how it plays into their lives as grandparents. Maybe that one daughter just keeps her distance now. I'm not close with these elders. I don't know if they are dating more people or just keeping it to the main 3 or what. I do know they keep on maintaining separate homes for each wife. That's how they've always done it and how they continue to do it.
So I don't think mono or poly matters. I think if seniors want to keep on seeking romance in whatever form -- they will. And if they don't? They won't. It's their call to make.
How these choices play out with their adult kid relationships or grandchild relationships -- it's going to vary.
My husband has a coworker who had babies and was really MIFFED at her parents because they wanted to travel in retirement. They spend time with the grandkids on holidays like xmas and send bday presents and stuff. But she assumed they wanted to be "really hands on" grandparents helping out all the time. While they didn't. They did their share of raising kids and they were "done" with that part of life. They only wanted to be "visiting grandparents."
Meanwhile, I have an aunt/uncle who have helped raise MANY babies beyond their own children. They've helped raise some of my cousins and are now moving on to their grandkids, grandnieces, grandnephews. Because this set of seniors LOVES to be around babies and help care for them. Even close friends of the family apply for their home daycare. They never advertise -- they have plenty of families that want them through word of mouth alone. They also have walls of their house covered in pictures of "their kids" that they have helped raise.
Everyone is different and choose to live out their lives in their own way.
Shaya, you're probably wondering this because you are thinking of working in a Closed relationship with your wife while you work on conceiving and raising kids. And so you wonder, will there be enough time to Open and enjoy being poly when I am an old and dried up middle aged or senior person? LOL
I didn't start living poly until I was 54. Now I am 61. It's been worth it, honey. Now I have these damn health problems, but I hope to conquer or at least lessen them and get back to dating more actively. (Most people my age don't have to deal with both cancer and a messed up back at once.) Meanwhile I get to enjoy compersion around my much younger partner's other relationship. And enjoy the delightful "me time" when she's at his place.
Shaya, you're probably wondering this because you are thinking of working in a Closed relationship with your wife while you work on conceiving and raising kids. And so you wonder, will there be enough time to Open and enjoy being poly when I am an old and dried up middle aged or senior person?
Thanks Mags. I can see why you thought that and perhaps left my opening post deliberately vague. Surprisingly, my main reason has little to do with what you wrote (though I don't blame you for that conclusion given my writings on the subject elsewhere), but rather to do with the concept of geriatric regret. I was reading an article and the author had interviewed many people close to their end of life, with questions ranging from quality of life, regret, and just freestyle talking about issues they found important. The author realised that very few old people talked about finances, or holidays, or wishing they had gone to see this sight or that country. Instead, they talked about people, or more specifically, their interactions with people - things they wish they said or would have done differently. Given the mono-normative nature of our society, I interpreted this to mean their spouses, their children, their grandchildren and close friends - these were things important to people at the end of their life, irregardless of how much adventures they'd had when young, and irregardless of what their life or job looked like when young - they all talked about similar things, or similar regrets when they neared the end of their life.
I just wanted to hear some wisdom from people near their end of life, to see what their view on polyamory and multiple relationships is, to see if it is any different from that of mono-normative society.
And maybe there's a small part of me that wonders about your question too, though I think I buried that concern when I saw the wide range of ages on this forum.
Maybe you wonder if some old lady of 85 wishes she could have lived with both her husband and another man she was also in love with, but was forced to make a choice to be with one or the other, many decades ago?
Of course she has regret! Before my ex h and I broke up, I had a huge crush and caring for the man across the street, who was single. We were all friends, but I wanted more. I do regret that my ex and I were mono and I could never date and fuck that guy... god he was so sweet.
So many movies involve love triangles where a woman or man is forced to choose between one or the other of their loves. It must be a source of communal pain to be such a popular topic. So sad anyone has to choose between one true love and the other. A recent exploration of this was in the teen flicks of Twilight. Of course that girl wanted to be with both the werewolf and the vampire, and they both wanted her. But no, they had to battle it out, and the werewolf was only allowed to (sometimes) be her platonic friend, despite his deep and sexual love for her. Blergh.
The twilight series... is that the one with the geriatric vampire (80 year old vampire) taking advantage of the underage teen who shows more emotional maturity than him?
One of my Great grandfathers had a V...I don't know how, when, where it started.. They all made it into their 80's and 90's. Great Grandpa first. Kids in both households...
And they all know each other well enough... That's all I know.
So, Shaya... What if Death arrives early,..no one lives forever and Tomorrow is a promise to no One, do you have regrets?
When I lived in Albuquerque there was an older gentleman who hosted many of the poly potlucks I attended. He seemed pretty lively for his age, but since I moved to Washington, I heard that he passed away. He was quite poly and rather kinky too, if I remember right. He had a lot of experience under his belt, good times and bad. He was quite a likable fellow.
