Whoyougonnacall
New member
Ok I’ll get right to it. I’m pretty much an open book, so if I leave out certain necessary details please feel free to ask, but here it goes…
I am in a monogamous relationship with my wife (D) and have been for almost a year and a half, but we’ve been together since 2018. I was with my first wife for 10 years married for 8 and I have 2 kids from that marriage.
My relationship with D has been a roller coaster at best, due to various issues on both of our parts, a lot of which stems from me and the trauma I experienced from my first marriage from the gaslighting and mental abuse I took from my ex, projected onto D, who also has past traumas and abuse from her previous relationships and family, as well as my diagnosed PTSD and PTSD-induced anxiety and depression from my military career.
D is also bisexual, has 2 lesbian moms and witnessed at a young age a failed throuple between her mom, the woman her mom is now married to and her dad.
Last year, 3 months into our marriage, we got into a fight and she threw her wedding ring at me and screamed that she wanted nothing to do with me or my sperm, which was the final straw because I knew how badly she wanted kids of our own, and she said this right in front of my kids. So it was at that moment I had enough with how bad we were, and it not getting better, no matter the significant life steps we took to improve our marriage. So I regretfully and shamefully admit that I decided to do something I swore never to do in my life and I cheated on her.
I got online to meet other women to see if there was even a market for a 2x divorced man with 2 kids. I was up front and honest with alot of women about the fact that I was still currently married, and some said not interested. Some were interested. One of which (K) I fell hard for. considering K lived in a different state, it wasn’t wasn’t my intention to actually find someone and develop such quick feelings for. NRE definitely played a huge factor but we exchanged phone #s and talked for weeks and had FaceTime dates.
Some things led to others and we had deep intellectual conversations. For the first time in I couldn’t remember how long my mind, as well as my heart were stimulated. I could however tell that K wasn’t quite ready to call it quits with her husband either out of fear for her kids or fear of the unknown, so I didn’t push that issue too much.
Finally one day after a fight between D and I, I had had enough and asked her for a divorce. That night she went through my phone and found out about K and I and threatened that if I don’t break it off, take her back and make it work with her she was going to contact this woman’s husband and tell her everything. Not wanting to ruin K’s family, if she wasn’t as ready as I was to figure it out and be together, I sent her a text my wife had pre written telling her off. I was content to suffer in an unhappy marriage if it meant she would be ok.
A few days later, my wife confessed to contacting the husband anyway because “that’s what she would have wanted someone to do for her.” Knowing full well the type of person she is and the grudges she holds, I know it was purely out of revenge on K. It broke my heart and it’s a choice I still regret to this day, of trusting that she would in fact leave her alone. Now all this being said I know that K and I fucked up by cheating in the first place and I’ve done a lot of work and still have a lot more to go in order to forgive not only myself, but my wife as well.
But the thoughts and feelings for K never went away, no matter how hard I wanted them to. Ive looked at different articles and online for how to forgive myself after cheating and read a few books written by various marriage counselors and therapists and was obsessed with how to get her off my mind and my heart. In the aftermath of the cheating discovery D found out about my feelings for K and tried her hardest to replace those feelings, but any mention of K, even something as simple as “have you thought about her?” and me saying yes just sets her off into a depression and spirals to the point where I get dragged into it and my depression for what I did to her sets in.
In despair one day I was reading a thread about someone who also was having similar troubles getting over the other woman in an extra marital affair from 18 months prior, and someone left a comment to the thread that simply said, “Could you be polyamorous?” I had heard that word before but didn’t really know much about it. So I looked it up and did some light research over the next month or so. Articles, blogs, history of, etc. and to me it made sense, especially the psychology behind it.
I looked back on different things from my past. Not being able to choose between one girl or another that I liked. Being ok with having threesomes, being ok with my girlfriends or wives having sex with women. There was even a point in my previous marriage I was ok with her having sex with another guy while on a work trip, as long as she was honest about it. That’s the thing that makes the lifestyle so resounding for me. It isnt that I get to have sex with whoever I want with no repercussions, being able to have my cake and eat it too. It’s the honesty, openness and communication that is at the forefront of everything I read about polyamorism, that I never had in a mono relationship, marriage or otherwise.
So I wrestled the question for just under 2 months, “Am I polyamorous?” I knew I could never open up to my wife about it, considering everything I did to her last year. I thought maybe I could talk to D’s mom one day who, having been part of a throuple before, and was now a professed lesbian, I knew she could be the only one I could talk to in order to try to make sense of my discovery and feelings without judgement. But I decided against it because I didn’t want to have it get back to D. Which was a mistake I shouldnt have made, because I grew angrier with myself and others around me. I was bitter and took a lot of things out on a lot of people I care about.
Finally, one day, D asked me what has been bothering me and she wasn’t going to let it go. I told her how I still have feelings for K and I have been ashamed to tell her because I know how much it hurts her. She said she knew and that I wasn’t very good at hiding it, but that I needed to get over her if things were ever going to get better. So I told her it’s not that simple, because of what I have discovered about myself. And I said the words that felt like a weight getting lifted off my chest to the last person in my life that wanted to hear them… “babe, I think I’m polyamorous.”
She immediately asked me for a divorce and that she couldn’t handle it anymore. She said, no, I’m not, because x y z reasons, and how could I possibly give myself a diagnosis like that? So I did a deep dive into the lifestyle to learn more about it so I could maybe see what she was talking about and that’s where I found this website. Y’all have provided a space where it’s not only judgement-free but also some hard hitting truths.
We are seeing a therapist she found. It wasn’t until after she found and booked the appt that I read his background. He has experience dealing with and is poly-friendly. When I pointed that out to her she didn’t seem thrilled. We have gone to 2 sessions and so far haven’t breached the poly topic, however it has been mentioned.
I’m not asking for anyone to take one side or the other, I’m asking for an honest opinion and advice from someone, preferably anyone who discovered they were poly in a monogamous marriage and had a resistant partner, or similar experience. I dont want to lose her, but I also don’t want to give up who I am and then later have it turn from just an incompatible marriage, into hate and resentment. I’m asking because I am so new to this and so ignorant of the terms and the lifestyle, so please if anything I have done or said offends anyone know it wasn’t my intent. I hate blissfully ignorant people, so please give me some grace and educate me a little bit. Thank you for reading this far and thank you in advance to anyone who feels like they’re willing to contribute to my education.
I am in a monogamous relationship with my wife (D) and have been for almost a year and a half, but we’ve been together since 2018. I was with my first wife for 10 years married for 8 and I have 2 kids from that marriage.
My relationship with D has been a roller coaster at best, due to various issues on both of our parts, a lot of which stems from me and the trauma I experienced from my first marriage from the gaslighting and mental abuse I took from my ex, projected onto D, who also has past traumas and abuse from her previous relationships and family, as well as my diagnosed PTSD and PTSD-induced anxiety and depression from my military career.
D is also bisexual, has 2 lesbian moms and witnessed at a young age a failed throuple between her mom, the woman her mom is now married to and her dad.
Last year, 3 months into our marriage, we got into a fight and she threw her wedding ring at me and screamed that she wanted nothing to do with me or my sperm, which was the final straw because I knew how badly she wanted kids of our own, and she said this right in front of my kids. So it was at that moment I had enough with how bad we were, and it not getting better, no matter the significant life steps we took to improve our marriage. So I regretfully and shamefully admit that I decided to do something I swore never to do in my life and I cheated on her.
I got online to meet other women to see if there was even a market for a 2x divorced man with 2 kids. I was up front and honest with alot of women about the fact that I was still currently married, and some said not interested. Some were interested. One of which (K) I fell hard for. considering K lived in a different state, it wasn’t wasn’t my intention to actually find someone and develop such quick feelings for. NRE definitely played a huge factor but we exchanged phone #s and talked for weeks and had FaceTime dates.
Some things led to others and we had deep intellectual conversations. For the first time in I couldn’t remember how long my mind, as well as my heart were stimulated. I could however tell that K wasn’t quite ready to call it quits with her husband either out of fear for her kids or fear of the unknown, so I didn’t push that issue too much.
Finally one day after a fight between D and I, I had had enough and asked her for a divorce. That night she went through my phone and found out about K and I and threatened that if I don’t break it off, take her back and make it work with her she was going to contact this woman’s husband and tell her everything. Not wanting to ruin K’s family, if she wasn’t as ready as I was to figure it out and be together, I sent her a text my wife had pre written telling her off. I was content to suffer in an unhappy marriage if it meant she would be ok.
A few days later, my wife confessed to contacting the husband anyway because “that’s what she would have wanted someone to do for her.” Knowing full well the type of person she is and the grudges she holds, I know it was purely out of revenge on K. It broke my heart and it’s a choice I still regret to this day, of trusting that she would in fact leave her alone. Now all this being said I know that K and I fucked up by cheating in the first place and I’ve done a lot of work and still have a lot more to go in order to forgive not only myself, but my wife as well.
But the thoughts and feelings for K never went away, no matter how hard I wanted them to. Ive looked at different articles and online for how to forgive myself after cheating and read a few books written by various marriage counselors and therapists and was obsessed with how to get her off my mind and my heart. In the aftermath of the cheating discovery D found out about my feelings for K and tried her hardest to replace those feelings, but any mention of K, even something as simple as “have you thought about her?” and me saying yes just sets her off into a depression and spirals to the point where I get dragged into it and my depression for what I did to her sets in.
In despair one day I was reading a thread about someone who also was having similar troubles getting over the other woman in an extra marital affair from 18 months prior, and someone left a comment to the thread that simply said, “Could you be polyamorous?” I had heard that word before but didn’t really know much about it. So I looked it up and did some light research over the next month or so. Articles, blogs, history of, etc. and to me it made sense, especially the psychology behind it.
I looked back on different things from my past. Not being able to choose between one girl or another that I liked. Being ok with having threesomes, being ok with my girlfriends or wives having sex with women. There was even a point in my previous marriage I was ok with her having sex with another guy while on a work trip, as long as she was honest about it. That’s the thing that makes the lifestyle so resounding for me. It isnt that I get to have sex with whoever I want with no repercussions, being able to have my cake and eat it too. It’s the honesty, openness and communication that is at the forefront of everything I read about polyamorism, that I never had in a mono relationship, marriage or otherwise.
So I wrestled the question for just under 2 months, “Am I polyamorous?” I knew I could never open up to my wife about it, considering everything I did to her last year. I thought maybe I could talk to D’s mom one day who, having been part of a throuple before, and was now a professed lesbian, I knew she could be the only one I could talk to in order to try to make sense of my discovery and feelings without judgement. But I decided against it because I didn’t want to have it get back to D. Which was a mistake I shouldnt have made, because I grew angrier with myself and others around me. I was bitter and took a lot of things out on a lot of people I care about.
Finally, one day, D asked me what has been bothering me and she wasn’t going to let it go. I told her how I still have feelings for K and I have been ashamed to tell her because I know how much it hurts her. She said she knew and that I wasn’t very good at hiding it, but that I needed to get over her if things were ever going to get better. So I told her it’s not that simple, because of what I have discovered about myself. And I said the words that felt like a weight getting lifted off my chest to the last person in my life that wanted to hear them… “babe, I think I’m polyamorous.”
She immediately asked me for a divorce and that she couldn’t handle it anymore. She said, no, I’m not, because x y z reasons, and how could I possibly give myself a diagnosis like that? So I did a deep dive into the lifestyle to learn more about it so I could maybe see what she was talking about and that’s where I found this website. Y’all have provided a space where it’s not only judgement-free but also some hard hitting truths.
We are seeing a therapist she found. It wasn’t until after she found and booked the appt that I read his background. He has experience dealing with and is poly-friendly. When I pointed that out to her she didn’t seem thrilled. We have gone to 2 sessions and so far haven’t breached the poly topic, however it has been mentioned.
I’m not asking for anyone to take one side or the other, I’m asking for an honest opinion and advice from someone, preferably anyone who discovered they were poly in a monogamous marriage and had a resistant partner, or similar experience. I dont want to lose her, but I also don’t want to give up who I am and then later have it turn from just an incompatible marriage, into hate and resentment. I’m asking because I am so new to this and so ignorant of the terms and the lifestyle, so please if anything I have done or said offends anyone know it wasn’t my intent. I hate blissfully ignorant people, so please give me some grace and educate me a little bit. Thank you for reading this far and thank you in advance to anyone who feels like they’re willing to contribute to my education.
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