Poly vs mono and my discovery

Whoyougonnacall

New member
Ok I’ll get right to it. I’m pretty much an open book, so if I leave out certain necessary details please feel free to ask, but here it goes…

I am in a monogamous relationship with my wife (D) and have been for almost a year and a half, but we’ve been together since 2018. I was with my first wife for 10 years married for 8 and I have 2 kids from that marriage.

My relationship with D has been a roller coaster at best, due to various issues on both of our parts, a lot of which stems from me and the trauma I experienced from my first marriage from the gaslighting and mental abuse I took from my ex, projected onto D, who also has past traumas and abuse from her previous relationships and family, as well as my diagnosed PTSD and PTSD-induced anxiety and depression from my military career.

D is also bisexual, has 2 lesbian moms and witnessed at a young age a failed throuple between her mom, the woman her mom is now married to and her dad.

Last year, 3 months into our marriage, we got into a fight and she threw her wedding ring at me and screamed that she wanted nothing to do with me or my sperm, which was the final straw because I knew how badly she wanted kids of our own, and she said this right in front of my kids. So it was at that moment I had enough with how bad we were, and it not getting better, no matter the significant life steps we took to improve our marriage. So I regretfully and shamefully admit that I decided to do something I swore never to do in my life and I cheated on her.

I got online to meet other women to see if there was even a market for a 2x divorced man with 2 kids. I was up front and honest with alot of women about the fact that I was still currently married, and some said not interested. Some were interested. One of which (K) I fell hard for. considering K lived in a different state, it wasn’t wasn’t my intention to actually find someone and develop such quick feelings for. NRE definitely played a huge factor but we exchanged phone #s and talked for weeks and had FaceTime dates.

Some things led to others and we had deep intellectual conversations. For the first time in I couldn’t remember how long my mind, as well as my heart were stimulated. I could however tell that K wasn’t quite ready to call it quits with her husband either out of fear for her kids or fear of the unknown, so I didn’t push that issue too much.

Finally one day after a fight between D and I, I had had enough and asked her for a divorce. That night she went through my phone and found out about K and I and threatened that if I don’t break it off, take her back and make it work with her she was going to contact this woman’s husband and tell her everything. Not wanting to ruin K’s family, if she wasn’t as ready as I was to figure it out and be together, I sent her a text my wife had pre written telling her off. I was content to suffer in an unhappy marriage if it meant she would be ok.

A few days later, my wife confessed to contacting the husband anyway because “that’s what she would have wanted someone to do for her.” Knowing full well the type of person she is and the grudges she holds, I know it was purely out of revenge on K. It broke my heart and it’s a choice I still regret to this day, of trusting that she would in fact leave her alone. Now all this being said I know that K and I fucked up by cheating in the first place and I’ve done a lot of work and still have a lot more to go in order to forgive not only myself, but my wife as well.

But the thoughts and feelings for K never went away, no matter how hard I wanted them to. Ive looked at different articles and online for how to forgive myself after cheating and read a few books written by various marriage counselors and therapists and was obsessed with how to get her off my mind and my heart. In the aftermath of the cheating discovery D found out about my feelings for K and tried her hardest to replace those feelings, but any mention of K, even something as simple as “have you thought about her?” and me saying yes just sets her off into a depression and spirals to the point where I get dragged into it and my depression for what I did to her sets in.

In despair one day I was reading a thread about someone who also was having similar troubles getting over the other woman in an extra marital affair from 18 months prior, and someone left a comment to the thread that simply said, “Could you be polyamorous?” I had heard that word before but didn’t really know much about it. So I looked it up and did some light research over the next month or so. Articles, blogs, history of, etc. and to me it made sense, especially the psychology behind it.

I looked back on different things from my past. Not being able to choose between one girl or another that I liked. Being ok with having threesomes, being ok with my girlfriends or wives having sex with women. There was even a point in my previous marriage I was ok with her having sex with another guy while on a work trip, as long as she was honest about it. That’s the thing that makes the lifestyle so resounding for me. It isnt that I get to have sex with whoever I want with no repercussions, being able to have my cake and eat it too. It’s the honesty, openness and communication that is at the forefront of everything I read about polyamorism, that I never had in a mono relationship, marriage or otherwise.

So I wrestled the question for just under 2 months, “Am I polyamorous?” I knew I could never open up to my wife about it, considering everything I did to her last year. I thought maybe I could talk to D’s mom one day who, having been part of a throuple before, and was now a professed lesbian, I knew she could be the only one I could talk to in order to try to make sense of my discovery and feelings without judgement. But I decided against it because I didn’t want to have it get back to D. Which was a mistake I shouldnt have made, because I grew angrier with myself and others around me. I was bitter and took a lot of things out on a lot of people I care about.

Finally, one day, D asked me what has been bothering me and she wasn’t going to let it go. I told her how I still have feelings for K and I have been ashamed to tell her because I know how much it hurts her. She said she knew and that I wasn’t very good at hiding it, but that I needed to get over her if things were ever going to get better. So I told her it’s not that simple, because of what I have discovered about myself. And I said the words that felt like a weight getting lifted off my chest to the last person in my life that wanted to hear them… “babe, I think I’m polyamorous.”

She immediately asked me for a divorce and that she couldn’t handle it anymore. She said, no, I’m not, because x y z reasons, and how could I possibly give myself a diagnosis like that? So I did a deep dive into the lifestyle to learn more about it so I could maybe see what she was talking about and that’s where I found this website. Y’all have provided a space where it’s not only judgement-free but also some hard hitting truths.

We are seeing a therapist she found. It wasn’t until after she found and booked the appt that I read his background. He has experience dealing with and is poly-friendly. When I pointed that out to her she didn’t seem thrilled. We have gone to 2 sessions and so far haven’t breached the poly topic, however it has been mentioned.

I’m not asking for anyone to take one side or the other, I’m asking for an honest opinion and advice from someone, preferably anyone who discovered they were poly in a monogamous marriage and had a resistant partner, or similar experience. I dont want to lose her, but I also don’t want to give up who I am and then later have it turn from just an incompatible marriage, into hate and resentment. I’m asking because I am so new to this and so ignorant of the terms and the lifestyle, so please if anything I have done or said offends anyone know it wasn’t my intent. I hate blissfully ignorant people, so please give me some grace and educate me a little bit. Thank you for reading this far and thank you in advance to anyone who feels like they’re willing to contribute to my education.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

If you can still edit, hitting "return" key a few times to break up the wall of text into paragraphs might get you more readers.

I mean all this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to add to your burdens.

FWIW, here is how it seems to me on reading all that.

In a nutshell, D is your second wife and you have been married around 18 mos. You started dating in 2018.

My relationship with D has been a roller coaster at best due to various issues on both of our parts a lot of which stems from me and the trauma I experienced from my first marriage from the gaslighting and mental abuse I took from my ex, projected onto D who also has past traumas and abuse from her previous relationships and family, as well as my diagnosed PTSD and PTSD-induced anxiety and depression from my military career.

It sounds turbulent. Did you initially come together from trauma bonding? But now find if you stay together, you can't really heal the traumas? You trigger each other?

Sounds like there was a big fight where she threw her wedding ring at you and screamed that she wanted nothing to do with you or your sperm.

So what is that? Her dumping you? Is this her normal argument style? So dramatic and upsetting? Please postpone any plans to make new babies at this time.

You ended up cheating and in an online affair with K. The experience made you realize how much was missing from the marriage -- basic kindness, conversation, etc. It was eye opening.

Another fight with D. You ask for a divorce.

She snoops in your phone. Threatens to tell K's husband if you don't take D back.

You take D back. D tells the other husband anyway.

Knowing full well the type of person she is and the grudges she holds I know it was purely out of revenge on K, and it broke my heart and it’s a choice I still regret to this day, of trusting that she would in fact leave her alone.

So... your hope to protect K from D behaviors did not come to pass because D's on some revenge kick to "punish" you.

Kinda sounds like D wants to use you for an emotional punching bag.

Maybe you'd like to retire from being that? Is that true?

I was content to suffer in an unhappy marriage if it meant she would be ok.

Why is you suffering ok? I get you were trying to shield K from D behaviors... but what about your own well being? Do you not prioritize that at all?

Now that D told the other husband and things sound over with K.... do you REALLY want to suffer in an unhappy marriage? For what purpose now?

Or would you like the suffering to STOP?

In the aftermath of the cheating discovery D found out about my feelings for K and tried her hardest to replace those feelings but any mention of K even something as simple as “have you thought about her?” And me saying yes just sets her off into a depression and spirals to the point where I get dragged into it and my depression for what I did to her sets in.

You and D do not sound suited for each other even BEFORE K.

Why are you here? You wanted the divorce. It's already out of the bag. Even if you can't be with K, would leaving D feel like RELIEF? And not having to deal in this? Or have your kids from your first marriage grow up watching this thinking it is normal?

Don't add the the list of mistakes by trying to assuage your guilt over the cheating affair by sticking with D to "make it up to her" while forgetting she was provoking and mean in her behaviors. You BOTH have done poor behaviors. You BOTH have brought up divorce at different times. Maybe it is time to follow thru.

If you are actually polyamorous? That's lower down on the list. Deal with this in order.

Even before K happened, there were problems in this marriage. And if those have become bigger and just not solvable? It's ok to have as peaceful a divorce as possible.

After healing from all that? Educating yourself on polyamory? You could move on to poly dating when you are actually HEALTHY.

Right now you are not.

It’s the honesty, openness and communication that is at the forefront of everything I read about polyamorism, that I never had in a mono relationship, marriage or otherwise.

Yeah, but is what attracts you really from the polyamory part?

Or from HEALTHY part of "healthy polyamory?"

Are you realizing that haven't yet had a HEALTHY relationship of any kind? Do you know what it looks like?

How would the relationship with D rate?



Finally one day, D asked me what has been bothering me and she wasn’t going to let it go. I told her how I still have feelings for K and I have been ashamed to tell her because I know how much it hurts her. She said she knew and that I wasn’t very good at hiding it, but that I needed to get over her if things were ever going to get better.

Why do things have to get better with D? Rather than just be over with D? Maybe that IS one way to make things better for both. Or... better for just you. If not together, no more reasons to fight.

Of course breaking up comes with some grief, and detangling a marriage takes some time and effort. But say you got past all that disbanding the marriage stuff.

Imagine it became just YOU, single again. Would it feel like RELIEF not to deal with D and her grudges and revenge things and roller coaster stuff any more?

“babe, I think I’m polyamorous.” She immediately asked me for a divorce and that she couldn’t handle it anymore.

Could agree to the divorce and move it along.

Then nobody has to handle anything in this marriage any more. It ceases to be.

She said no I’m not, because x y z reasons and how could I possibly give myself a diagnosis like that.

Guess D realized an actual divorce means her losing her ability to have you around as her emotional punching bag. So D wanted to walk it back?

Is this a pattern happening? Are you dealing in emotional and mental abuse with D?

We are seeing a therapist she found and it wasn’t until after she found and booked the appt that I read his background and he has experience dealing with and is poly friendly, which when I pointed that out to her she didn’t seem thrilled. We have gone to 2 sessions and so far haven’t breached the poly topic however it has been mentioned.

Good you are seeing a counselor. But you are paying for this. So lay it on the table plain. You two have brought up divorce several times. The relationship is not esp healthy. At BEST you call it "roller coaster."

You want polyamory. She does not.

I hope the goal of therapy is to figure out if you can be together in a HEALTHY way, or get some guidance in breaking up in HEALTHY way. And not like revenge divorce getting the final digs in.

But going along with incompatible marriage with just more of same up and down roller coaster stuff?
That will not do. It's taking a toll on your health. And on hers.

I dont want to lose her, but I also don’t want to give up who I am and then later have it turn from just an incompatible marriage, into hate and resentment.

If you already see it is an incompatible marriage, why are you hanging on so hard to it?

Again... I encourage you to do things in ORDER.

K is gone. While that experience was illuminating, it didn't tell you anything you didn't already know.

There's things missing from the rocky marriage with D and it sounds like you have been incompatible for a long time. D does some push-pull behaviors treating you badly.

So before you go the long way around "exploring polyamory" -- how about you assess if this marriage is even healthy first? Or best disbanded first?

Cuz you can explore poly on your own after a divorce. It doesn't have to be with D along.

And a new poly potential does not exist to be the "bandaid" person to help you ENDURE being married to D if it is incompatible hardship.

I don't know if this helps you any. But think on it. Are you here with D in marriage because it is healthy and good? Or from habit, guilt, or fear of changes? Like better the familiar yucky than risking scary new yucky? Or... risking being at peace and then having to come to terms with "why did I wait so long?" and living with sunk cost fallacy so long?


I imagine this is very hard for you right now. I encourage you to BREATHE, and take it one thing at a time. Maybe you could use some individual counseling sessions to sort out your thoughts?

But do NOT rush into wonky poly with D. There's been enough wonky from the sound of it. No need to pile on more wonky.

Galagirl
 
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I see nothing about your readiness for your partners to have other partners. It just sounds like you want to continue your relationships with two people you love.
Thanks for replying!! I know it was a lot, but I mentioned it earlier and maybe I can expand on it. My ex wife had admitted she had sex with other women, because where she was from it wasn’t taboo per se, but you would at least get an eyebrow raised at you if you admitted to never at least experimenting with the same sex.

D is also bi-sexual and has had multiple relationships with women, some of which are because of her relationship trauma. Plus she was raised in a very LGTB friendly home so I knew it was a large part of her life.

I have made it clear in both of my marriages that if they want to have relationships or just sex with other women that I don’t care and will support them, just as long as they are open and honest with me and communicate their intentions and desires. Because the way I have always seen it is who am I to control them if they feel they need to be.

With my ex, even though I wasn’t comfortable with the thought of her having sex with another man at first, she did go on a business trip and confessed that a lot of people there for the same thing across the country were hooking up every night in the hotel. I told her I was ok with it, as long as she was honest with me about beforehand.

Since doing my research and taking various tests and quizzes I have found out some things I didn’t think of before and where I stand on where my boundaries lie. I think that the only thing I’m not ok with is couples being with other couples, because 2 of the four might not be compatible, whereas the other two are, and that would have the potential to create some messy situations, from my point of view. I hope that expands more of what you’re saying.
 
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Hello Whoyougonnacall,

It sounds like you are in the very early stages of seeing the therapist, and the topic of polyamory has not yet been raised with the therapist. For now I would suggest you continue to see the therapist, and raise the topic of polyamory with the therapist as soon as you can. You need to find out if there is any hope of D ever accepting that you are poly, and if there isn't, then if you can live without ever putting your poly desires into practice, and whether that will lead to you resenting D because of it. I hate to put it like this, but based on your description so far, your marriage sounds rather like a dumpster fire, and this therapy is the last hope for it. I guess you have mostly been talking about the negative parts of it because that's what you need help with. But even when I take that into account, the prognosis looks pretty grim.

With the help of this thread and therapy, I hope you are able to figure out where to go from here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I edited your posts to add paragraph breaks. I know sometimes all the feelings just come rushing out and it's hard to attempt to use any kind of proper grammar. But you won't get many people willing to read your post, or able to offer advice, if it is just a wall o' text and run-on sentences.
 
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There's a pretty common saying in the poly community that you can't save a broken relationship by adding more people to it. It's common because it's true. I'm sure there are some anecdotes that show a few people somehow did get better by opening up, but that seems extremely unlikely in your case. From what you wrote, you are in a very unhealthy relationship. Threats and ultimatums are not healthy. I'm not going to give you direct advice on how to change that, as there are many options and I only know what you posted here. However, it's not fair to try to drag someone else into your relationship in an attempt to fix it, especially now that you know your current partner is willing to hurt such people.

As you poly? IDK. It sounds like you are in an unhappy relationship and wish you were with someone else. That's not the same as being poly. However, if you think you might be poly, ask yourself if you really would like multiple loves and be open with them having their own lovers too. Would you be happy for them? Or are you mostly thinking about how cool it would be if you had someone else? In any case, poly relationships should be healthy (just like any other relationship) and come from a place of giving and abundance. You admit that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and your current relationship. I would do that first, and THEN see if you still have the capacity for polyamory (or the desire).
 
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