Poly While Dealing With Trauma and Loss of a Parent

[ethicallygrieving]

Hello! I'm looking for advice on a complicated poly situation colliding with a major life crisis.

**CW loss, and general mentions of abuse and trauma

The people are me (26, cis-woman), Andrew (my NP, 28, cis-man/genderqueer) and Quinn (26, nonbinary).

I am seeing a therapist, and I'm already seeking more therapy on top of that therapy.

Andrew and I have been together two years, non-monogamous from the start. We live together. We had both been seeing other people, but was all casual.

Last fall, I started seeing Quinn. I was not expecting this, I've generally been the kind of person who can only romantically focus on one person. But! It feels magical. In January, Andrew and Quinn kinda start seeing each other too. I'm THRILLED. Compersion is through the roof. We all really care about each other, we're all new to this, and we agree to take things slow. For the most part, I'm thrilled, with just a couple of instances of primal jealousy, but it feels manageable.

Meanwhile: My mom got cancer a year ago, and couldn't take care of herself anymore. I became her sole caregiver.

I still have my job, and I still have my creative projects. I had little to no energy to spend any time on dates or hanging out with either partner. They were both so supportive during this time, and I felt incredibly grateful, and we just saw each other here and there when we could. In theory, it was hard to think about Andrew and Quinn getting to be together when I needed to go take care of my mom, but in practice, I was too busy/exhausted to care or think about it, and for the most part I was happy they were happy.

She went on hospice in February and passed shortly after. Being with her at the end was so meaningful, but her death was followed by a traumatic incident involving medical staff/police. A few weeks later, while going through her things, I found some documentation of past abuse that I don't really remember. Altogether it's been extremely destabilizing.

Since her death I've been dealing with intense grief, panic attacks, shock, and feeling overwhelmed by pretty much everything. I've been to the doctor and I'm really trying to work on getting my feet back under me.

On the day that I found those documents of the past abuse, Andrew and Quinn had a date planned. To be fair, I didn't seem to be doing any worse than usual. I told Andrew that I'd be happy for him to still have his date, but processing the physical intimacy piece was hard. He was getting a little nervous about having to tell Quinn that, and he asks how long I'm going to keep needing this.

I panicked and said something like "I don't know, 6 months?" Which made him have some kind of panic attack. I started thinking, "I am incapable of polyamory." To me, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, polyamory can mean that you have more support during times of crisis, but also, if your multiple relationships have cracks in them, the crisis is gonna highlight all of those. Then all of a sudden, you're losing two people, you're ruining a relationship between two people you love, you're grieving on a timeline, because it's been a month, and its time to try to get back to stasis, and maybe polyamory isn't inherently the problem, but I'm not capable of being the kind of partner I would like to be-- I want out. Handling the jealousy and the guilt and everything might be fine and good when it's clear waters, but I can't take it during a major life event." I am also thinking, "I am worrying about whether or not I want to have one partner or two when I haven't even been able to finish the obituary. That is insane."

Andrew told Quinn, and they were understandably hurt and blindsided. Everything kind of blew up from there, and I thought Andrew and I were breaking up. I thought we were all breaking up. We take some space, I stay at my best friend's house for a bit.

Since then, things have been unstable. We all took some space, Andrew and I started couples therapy, and the three of us recently all sat down together. Quinn said they’re not comfortable dating just one of us. It’s both or neither. So now it feels like if I step back from Quinn, I’m also ending their relationship with Andrew, which adds a lot of pressure.

We’re currently in a kind of “break” structure where we're all friends. ?? I thought it was clear but I don't think it is. Everything is supposed to be on pause for a month, except for Andrew and I. Which I feel guilty about. I'm still mostly living at my dad's. Even though everything is on ice, I still feel overwhelmed, confused, and I just want things to feel simple and stable. I go back and forth between

1. I don't have the capacity for polyamory right now but I'm in a lose-lose-lose situation
2. I'm grieving and not allowed to make a major decision

I really care about both of them and I think everyone is acting in good faith. I love the philosophy behind poly, and I think I actually agree with it, in theory, but in practice, I'm finding it impossible to navigate, and impossible to heal. It's been 7 weeks since she died and I'm having a hard time imagining myself being able to think about what kind of relationship style I'd like, even a month from now.

I don't know. It's such a mess. I know this isn't what idealized poly is supposed to look like when you do it correctly, and I should've done more reading, and we all should have communicated more. But that was yesterday, and now we're here. Whoops. :/

If you read that whole thing, thank you so much. What... do you think?? l m a o

 

[Tinwen]

I ask to clarify.
Your partners are two people you love and who presumably want to help. If you could ask anything, what is it you need from Andrew? What is it you need from Quin? What is it you need in general?

 

[ethicallygrieving]

I ask to clarify.
Your partners are two people you love and who presumably want to help. If you could ask anything, what is it you need from Andrew? What is it you need from Quin? What is it you need in general?

Right. That's a great question. Hahah. If I could ask anything, it would be to go back in time and have it be just Andrew and I. If I lived in a vacuum, I would need Andrew to stop seeing Quinn romantically for now, indefinitely. I also need to stop seeing Quinn romantically, and want us to just be friends.

In general, I need to feel like my life is increasing in stability rather than getting more and more unstable. The uncertainty of my romantic relationships is making me feel less stable.

I wanna feel like those are reasonable things to need.

When I'm by myself, all of those needs seem simple enough, but when it comes to asking for those things, I start re-negotiating, because I really second-guess when I see the hurt I'm causing right in front of me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ethicallygrieving,

I think the key here, is to let Andrew and Quinn be there for you in your time of need. You will not be able to be there for them like you normally would, and I believe that they should understand that. And if you need some space, don't be ashamed to ask for it. You are going through a lot. Grief does not have a timetable. You may end up experiencing it a lot longer than you thought you would. And that is okay.

I'm not sure if Andrew and Quinn understand the nature of grief, they are maybe thinking of their own convenience and not making room for yours. Tell them that you need them to be there for you, explain that they may have to share with each other in a way that makes them uncomfortable. I think if they really love you, they will make an effort to understand what you are going through. You are not grieving on purpose; rather, it is something that is happening to you.

You are not responsible for everyone's happiness; sometimes you have to make room for yours. You shouldn't have to think so much about your partners at this time. You should be able to concentrate on yourself while you grieve, you should concentrate on taking care of you. I wonder if you are laboring under the idea that you need to take care of everyone. Right now, you just need to take care of you, and that is okay.

I'm not sure if the problem is that you are not right for them; the problem may be that *they* are not right for *you.* When you love someone, you don't just love them when the sailing is smooth; you love them when they are grieving as well. Even if they need some space. I don't see this as a poly problem, I see it as an Andrew and Quinn problem. They need to have some empathy for what you are going through.

If you end things with Quinn, that does not mean you are ending things between Quinn and Andrew. That is Quinn's decision. Quinn is shifting the blame onto you. That isn't cool on their part. Frankly, you feel guilty about things that aren't your fault. You have been made a scapegoat during this difficult time, it's not like you chose to have this grief happen to you. Andrew and Quinn are not being understanding about that.

This doesn't reflect on your ability (or the lack thereof) to be poly, you are going through a grieving process that has nothing to do with poly. This is a people problem, not a poly problem. I feel bad for you because I know you feel guilty, and I don't think you should have to feel guilty. Things have happened to you that are beyond your control. You are doing your best to cope with those things.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you

You are in control of whether you will continue your romance with Quinn at this time or ever.

You are not in control whether Andrew will continue seeing Quinn. You can ask him not to, but ultimately, it's his decision to make.

You are not in control whether Quinn chooses to break up with Andrew if you break up with them. It's also not your responsibility or fault.

You are in control of some other potentially stabilizing or destabilizing elements of your life, such as taking sick leave from work (or not).

I get that imagining or seeing physical intimacy between A and Q right now is difficult, but frankly, I'm not sure it's less destabilizing to have your partner grieve a breakup simultaneously with your grief. I'd prefer to have your partner have the outside support to be able to support you than asking them to pile grief upon grief by dropping said relationship. Do you think you can't take the jealousy right now?

The 'standard' poly advice is: Focus on what you need from/with your partner, not on what your metamour is getting. Is there something in particular from the time when "there was just the two of you"? Is it more time, predictability, the way they looked at you? Do you want to just ve held more often? You could try asking for that instead.

Be absolutely selfish, just try not to destroy anything that could be turned into a source of support instead - and by that I mostly mean your relationship with Andrew

 

[Magdlyn]

I completely agree with everything Tinwen said.

I want to add my empathy, since one of my partner's (Pixi) mother just passed away too, after a four year struggle with dementia. She was 76. I imagine your mom was younger. My heart goes out to you. Cancer sucks! (I am a survivor, but cancer took my sister's life. )

Pixi was back and forth a lot to help care for her mom in those years, especially the last two, when things got dire. Her dad and brother, who live with or near her mom, have mental/emotional issues of their own and made it very hard to get Pixi's mom correct care. It was a nightmare.

I barely saw Pixi for two years. We are in an 18-year relationship. Her mom passed on Feb 15, so it is all still fresh.

I also have a bf (Aries) of 4+ years, who was there for me, spending two to four days a week at my place while Pixi was away. And Pixi has a local bf too, who just had to miss her while she was gone, since he chooses not to date others. Luckily he is an introvert and pretty self-reliant. He helped Pixi in his way; I helped her in my way.

Pixi seemed glad I had the support of Aries when she wasn't here. He emotionally lifted me, and also helped around the house and yard. It made me able to better deal with Pixi's absence and also to support her emotionally, whether she was here or away.

Now, what is different is that you are in a kind of triad situation. These are notoriously difficult to do, without the added stress of a major life change, such as grief over a death. Frankly, I think it's selfish of Quinn to insist they won't date one of you without the other. That's unrealistic.

I think you could let those two date each other while you retreat to grieve. I hope if they support each other, they will be better able to support you in the way you need.

You will make your own choices, but that's the way we've been dealing with a similar situation.

 

[ethicallygrieving]

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you

You are in control of whether you will continue your romance with Quinn at this time or ever.

You are not in control whether Andrew will continue seeing Quinn. You can ask him not to, but ultimately, it's his decision to make.

You are not in control whether Quinn chooses to break up with Andrew if you break up with them. It's also not your responsibility or fault.

You are in control of some other potentially stabilizing or destabilizing elements of your life, such as taking sick leave from work (or not).

I get that imagining or seeing physical intimacy between A and Q right now is difficult, but frankly, I'm not sure it's less destabilizing to have your partner grieve a breakup simultaneously with your grief. I'd prefer to have your partner have the outside support to be able to support you than asking them to pile grief upon grief by dropping said relationship. Do you think you can't take the jealousy right now?

The 'standard' poly advice is: Focus on what you need from/with your partner, not on what your metamour is getting. Is there something in particular from the time when "there was just the two of you"? Is it more time, predictability, the way they looked at you? Do you want to just ve held more often? You could try asking for that instead.

Be absolutely selfish, just try not to destroy anything that could be turned into a source of support instead - and by that I mostly mean your relationship with Andrew

This is so helpful. Thank you, truly, for taking the time to reply. <3

I think what has been so mind-boggling has been trying to grapple with how little control I have over most things-- people die, relationships end, things change. Which was always true, but has been massively highlighted by watching my mom die. I know you're a stranger, but seeing it broken down so clearly and simply made a lot of sense. And, ironically, knowing that I don't have control over the things you mentioned is a relief. Thank you.

With regards to: "I'm not sure it's less destabilizing to..." I don't know about Andrew... that's probably true. And now I'm additionally thinking, I'm not sure it's less destabilizing for me to pile another grief on top of my own grief rather than just dealing with the jealousy.

I just desperately want relief from the pain, I think, and was feeling willing to do "whatever it takes" to get that relief. But... can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around it, etc etc etc

I'm getting just about everything I need from other people. I don't think I'm giving myself what I need (enough sleep, enough routine, enough grace).

Again, thank you. Hearing from someone who has no horse at all in the race really helps. <3 <3 <3

 

[ethicallygrieving]

Hello ethicallygrieving,

I think the key here, is to let Andrew and Quinn be there for you in your time of need. You will not be able to be there for them like you normally would, and I believe that they should understand that. And if you need some space, don't be ashamed to ask for it. You are going through a lot. Grief does not have a timetable. You may end up experiencing it a lot longer than you thought you would. And that is okay.

I'm not sure if Andrew and Quinn understand the nature of grief, they are maybe thinking of their own convenience and not making room for yours. Tell them that you need them to be there for you, explain that they may have to share with each other in a way that makes them uncomfortable. I think if they really love you, they will make an effort to understand what you are going through. You are not grieving on purpose; rather, it is something that is happening to you.

You are not responsible for everyone's happiness; sometimes you have to make room for yours. You shouldn't have to think so much about your partners at this time. You should be able to concentrate on yourself while you grieve, you should concentrate on taking care of you. I wonder if you are laboring under the idea that you need to take care of everyone. Right now, you just need to take care of you, and that is okay.

I'm not sure if the problem is that you are not right for them; the problem may be that *they* are not right for *you.* When you love someone, you don't just love them when the sailing is smooth; you love them when they are grieving as well. Even if they need some space. I don't see this as a poly problem, I see it as an Andrew and Quinn problem. They need to have some empathy for what you are going through.

If you end things with Quinn, that does not mean you are ending things between Quinn and Andrew. That is Quinn's decision. Quinn is shifting the blame onto you. That isn't cool on their part. Frankly, you feel guilty about things that aren't your fault. You have been made a scapegoat during this difficult time, it's not like you chose to have this grief happen to you. Andrew and Quinn are not being understanding about that.

This doesn't reflect on your ability (or the lack thereof) to be poly, you are going through a grieving process that has nothing to do with poly. This is a people problem, not a poly problem. I feel bad for you because I know you feel guilty, and I don't think you should have to feel guilty. Things have happened to you that are beyond your control. You are doing your best to cope with those things.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.

Kevin, thank, you so much for your thoughtful reply, for your compassion, and for your sympathy. Reading your message brought me to a couple of tears.

If I had to guess, when all of this first started they did not understand the nature of grief, and I think that really played into all of this. I'm finding it hard to remember what it felt like to ... not know what this feels like. If that makes sense. I do know that they want to be there for me and I know they're good people, and yet, I think they don't quite understand. I haven't been talking to Quinn much, but I know Andrew is trying and understanding more. I also do know that they have their own things going on that aren't easy either.

I think you're probably right-- I need to just focus on taking care of me. With some more time and additional space, that has been easier to do and to focus on. I don't feel like it's an emergency anymore, whereas everything sort of felt like an emergency. Probably a result of caregiving for a dying person for a year, lol. Whether Andrew is right for me, whether Quinn is right for me... I'm not sure. That question raised is important enough that it warrants revisiting, probably when things aren't so acutely grief-y. As of right now, we love eachother, and they want to be there, so we should probably just continue on with those things to the best of our ability.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my stuff and for taking the time to reply.

With love,
B

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry hear of mom's passing coupled with this terrible abuse discovery. It's a lot to take in.

Rather than pile on MORE changes to the triad... could it be a smaller change, like you living in your own flat rather than at Dad's, so you get a little space away from the Andrew + Quinn dyad, because you aren't also Andrew's roomie, and it can be your OWN space and not like "guest at Dad's place"? You sound like you really need a HOME, a stable place in your life when all other things are thrown asunder, on your own, or with a neutral roomie you are not dating. A HOME of your own.

Do your best to eat on time, go to work on time, exercise on time. You might really need simple routines right now.

If you continue to date both of them, you must all understand that dating you during this time of difficulty is different than dating you during a time of ease. Right?

Both of these relationships are still very new. It's only been 2 years with Andrew. NRE lasts 6-24 mos, so maybe you're just coming out of it with Andrew. I'm honestly surprised you were already living together that early.

And it's not anyone's fault, but Mom's passing and the unpleasant discovery may be pushing you out of NRE with Quinn faster than you hoped/intended. You two have only been dating since the fall.

You could do counseling to set clear expectations of what (you + Andrew) will be for this season at one appointment. And then another appointment for setting clear expectations of how (you + Quinn) are going to be. They'd have to do their own time for setting clear expectations for (Andrew + Quinn), but you are not involved in that dyad. Stay out of it.

You could use the counseling to set a timeframe too, about you not making major decisions about either relationship for at least X months, so you can get your bearings as you deal with double grief of Mom passing and this unpleasant discovery.

You can also give them the out. If this is too much too early in the relationships, you will accept that they don't want to date you in "grief mode."

You also STOP trying to do all the jobs in all the dyads. You only tend to your jobs.

I told Andrew that I'd be happy for him to still have his date, but processing the physical intimacy piece was hard. He was getting a little nervous about having to tell Quinn that, and he asks how long I'm going to keep needing this.

Andrew told Quinn, and they were understandably hurt and blindsided.

Why would Andrew (as a hinge) overshare this private conversation with grieving and kinda disregulated you... with Quinn, rather than telling you "I know it's hard. I'm willing to help you process, but you have to come to terms with the fact that this is 3 different dyads. You don't get to say when Quinn and I share sex. That's a different dyad. Quinn doesn't get to say when you and I share sex. I don't get to say when you and Quinn share sex. We need healthy relationship boundaries across the dyads."

There's nothing mean in that. It is three separate dyads. Each one will unfold differently. How each one of the goes is up to the people in it.

You + Andrew --> you and Andrew decide how that goes.
You + Quinn --> You and Quinn decide how that goes.
Andrew + Quinn --> Andrew and Quinn decide how that goes.

Each dyad deserves some privacy.

Quinn said they’re not comfortable dating just one of us. It’s both or neither. So now it feels like if I step back from Quinn, I’m also ending their relationship with Andrew, which adds a lot of pressure.

Why are you taking on responsibility for choices that aren't yours? If you break up with Quinn, that's you breaking up with Quinn. It's your choice.

Quinn can choose to keep on dating Andrew or not. It is Quinn deciding that part. Not you.

Are each of you ok with the others feeling their full feelings, whether "comfortable" ones or not? And not taking those feelings on board for themselves, or taking responsibility for them, or for "fixing" them?

If you are going to continue dating both of them, be clear and honest about what YOU can offer at this time. You are dealing with a lot. And no, you aren't gonna be some smiley-face sunshine partner right now. You can do low-key dates X times a week, like dinner out, or a movie. But NO, you are not up for higher-key dates, like theme parking all day long, or going to a rock concert with lots of noise and people.

If you are not going to date both of them, but end it with one or both, end things peacefully in one of two ways.

• I'm sorry. The timing of all this stinks, but I need to break up. I need to work on my stability. I wish you well.
• I'm sorry. The timing of all this stinks, but I need to break up. I need to work on my stability. Can I look you back up once I'm more stable? Can we decide then if we want to get back together or not?

Calibrate how you are gonna be for this season. Maybe take it one season at a time?

But please... try to get your own flat. You cannot function if you are living like "guest" from one place to another, first with the friend, then with Dad. Home needs to be solid and your sanctuary.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ethicallygrieving,

I think I get that Andrew and Quinn aren't trying to treat you bad, they just don't understand the nature of grief and don't realize what you're going through. Hopefully over time they can get a better appreciation for that, and you won't have to feel guilty for them splitting up with each other. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

Can you clarify what type of abuse you discovered? Are you saying you found out that your mom was a victim of abuse in the past, or that your mom had been abusive to you in the past?

I don't mean to pry, but I am trying to understand the nature of the complex grief you are going through, before I give any advice that might not apply to your situation.

 

[ethicallygrieving]

Can you clarify what type of abuse you discovered? Are you saying you found out that your mom was a victim of abuse in the past, or that your mom had been abusive to you in the past?

I don't mean to pry, but I am trying to understand the nature of the complex grief you are going through, before I give any advice that might not apply to your situation.

Yes-- It was both. My mom and I had a very complicated relationship. It was about physical abuse that happened between my mom and dad, I don't know too much about it and don't think it's a great idea for me to dig deeper at this time, or maybe ever. It was also, yes, ways in which she was abusive to me that I don't remember, or that I only remember little bits and pieces of. I remember social services being called and talking to them but not necessarily the incidents that prompted the calls and interviews.

 

[MeeraReed]

Yes-- It was both. My mom and I had a very complicated relationship. It was about physical abuse that happened between my mom and dad, I don't know too much about it and don't think it's a great idea for me to dig deeper at this time, or maybe ever. It was also, yes, ways in which she was abusive to me that I don't remember, or that I only remember little bits and pieces of. I remember social services being called and talking to them but not necessarily the incidents that prompted the calls and interviews.

Thank you for answering my question. That is a lot for you to deal with, and I'm sorry you are going through it.