poly woman w/ a mono primary bf

newpoly92

newpoly92

New member
My primary relationship is with a mono guy. We just moved in together with another roommate. We have our own rooms and everything. Because I have other male partners as well as a female one. He is beginning to be very territorial about my other males. Mainly one in particular. He said he sets off his hackles. Said he only reacted like that to one other person years ago. All he really knows about my potential (that's what I call new partners that are on their way to be real relationships) is what he's heard about him from rumors. I've asked the potential about these rumors. He was genuinely confused and had never heard of these things. I'm hoping that if he actually gets to know him, he'll calm down about me being with him. I really like this new guy. I'm frankly getting tired of how territorial my primary is being. I really like him, but he's getting very aggravating about me seeing other males.

Anyone have any advice? Please?
 
Last edited:
newpoly92 said:
... He is beginning to be very territorial about my other males. ...I really like him, but he's getting very aggravating about me seeing other males.
Click to expand...

I don't know if this is how the kids are talking these days, but the way you put it makes you all sound like lions, so of course he is going to have territorial feelings, you being a lioness and all. I always encourage people to be mindful of how they are participating in relationships and I'd call attention to your inclination to word the situation as you do.
 
I think she means "males" and "territorial" rather than "men" and "jealous" or "possessive". Kind of sounds like a nature documentary rather than a human interaction.
Leetah
 
Last edited:
Does he have a point? Is he mostly focused on this man? Are you getting any 'pings' about this potential?

Sometimes we are jealous because we want someone all to ourselves. But occasionally we can be jealous because there is something not quite right about the other person. And telling the difference between the two (especially when both are in play!) is difficult.

Rumors are not a reliable way to judge someone but I wouldn't totally ignore them either. Do consider if he is picking up on something you are missing.
 
I'm frankly getting tired of how territorial my primary is being. I really like him, but he's getting very aggravating about me seeing other males.
Click to expand...

I am sorry this is a problem. Is it an adjustment thing because you are all now living together? Was it better when you were not living together?

If he has info about behaviors he's observed or heard about that make him think the other guy is bad news? He could tell you. I mean, he might pick up on something you do not see. In the end it is your choice to date the potential and your judgement call though.

But if it's general possessiveness and "hovering" around, you could tell him to keep his opinions to himself. No, he might not like all your potentials. But he isn't the one dating them. It is your choice to date the potential and your judgement call.

If he cannot deal with (poly-dating and cohabitation), then maybe you guys stop living together so he doesn't have to be around it "up close" getting trigger-y.

If is not the cohabiting part and he cannot deal with the (poly-dating)? Then maybe you guys stop dating so you are free from hovering and he is free from upset.

You guys could sort this stuff out.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Yes, he is just focused on this man. I only have one other man in my life and he's more just a fwb than anything else. But really, the only thing that will make him happy concerning me seeing other men, is if I don't. He has no problem with me seeing women. Because he doesn't see them as competition. I can't get it thru to him that it's not about competition and I'm not trying to replace him. Bit he's just not getting it. He has no problem with me bringing my gf over while he's home. But he doesn't allow other men in my life to be over while he's home. Which I understand. But it still annoys me. We respect him and the rules he has placed down. He also tends to overreact and over think and over analyze.
 
It's kind of a mixture of everything from what I can tell. He was better about me having guys over when it was just my place. But now that it's his too, he's being like this. We abide by the rules he has put down. Some of it is that hea mono. Some is this guy. Some is that we're now living together. I really need advice on how I can convince him that other guys aren't a competition and that I'm not trying to replace him. He does tend to over think, over react, and over analyze.
 
Have you already read More Than Two? Has He? If you are reading types it is very good. Or the More Than Two website.

Leetah
 
I don't think it's possible to convince anyone out of their own insecurities. He has to be prepared to resolve his fears by himself. You can offer all of the verbal reassurance in the world, but at the end of the day, if you being polyamorous means he doesn't feel safe enough to fully trust that you love and care for him, then there's not much you can do (or he can do, for that matter). It's like you and he are speaking different languages. You think you are telling him how much you adore him, but all he can see is the big loud sign you have painted in his language on the front lawn that says 'I don't really give a shit about you'. Unless he has good reasons FOR HIMSELF to be in an open relationship with you (i.e. reasons that are more than it just being a condition of dating you, or to make you happy) then he's not really got much of an incentive to work towards altering his world-view in a way that is healthy for him.

If you're adamant about trying, I would address the fact that he doesn't feel insecure about you dating women. It seems to be key to how he's feeling. This is probably bumping up against a whole host of societal conditioning that he's going to have to be willing to address if he's ever going to be fully content with the situation - try googling forum posts for OPP or One Penis Policy, as these might contain a lot of insight on the tangled emotional mess some men find themselves in. If you are bisexual, then he has to be aware that you are just as likely to leave him for a woman as you are for a man. If he can't understand that on an intellectual level, then he's behaving like a sexist pig, and you have other issues going on. Remind him that ultimately what stops one person, mono or poly, from leaving someone else (whether or not there are other relationships available to them or happening or whatever) is the quality of the relationship they have with that person. Jealousy left unchecked can lead to resentment on both sides, and that will erode your relationship faster than anything.

To me, it doesn't sound like he's particularly happy in this relationship with you, and was possibly hoping that if he showed his commitment to you by moving in with you, that you would show your commitment to him by ditching the other guys. If there is no chance of that happening your end, you need to be brutally honest with him about that. Sometimes a couple are just not compatible on a base level. This might be one of those times. You can't change yourself to be someone you are not any more than he can, so it's not about one of you being right and the other being wrong. Accepting a polyamourous relationship is as big a fundamental as being willing to have children or not. No one would dream of telling a person who wanted kids to sacrifice that dream and stay in a relationship with a partner that didn't. Neither would anyone tell a person who didn't want kids to just suck it up and take one for the team. There's no compromise between having kids and not having kids. Likewise, there's rarely a compromise between being sexually and romantically exclusive, and not being sexually or romantically exclusive.
 
Last edited:
So sorry your guy is acting out now that you've gone to the effort of getting a place together! How disappointed you must be!
 
I really need advice on how I can convince him that other guys aren't a competition and that I'm not trying to replace him. He does tend to over think, over react, and over analyze.
Click to expand...

Not really your job to convince him.

The choices as I see them are these:

1) You keep living together. You stick to the agreements you made about other dating partners being over.

2) You keep living together. You tell him you tried it on and the agreements do not work for you and you cannot keep them. You would like to renegotiate new ones you CAN keep rather than cheat on agreements.

3) You stop living with him so these agreements about partners in shared space don't even apply. It's all your home and your space.

4) You stop dating him entirely.

All those things you can speak up about, decide, or do on your own.

If is he IS willing to to something to work on his jealousy... then you get a few more options.

Maybe you could read through these and talk it out. Get the jealousy workbook. And/or see a poly friendly counselor.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/jealousy-first-aid

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

But if the bottom line is that he wants a One Penis Policy and you do not want that? It's your job to say a clear "No. I do not agree to that" and let him figure out if he wants to work through his upset or not. You cannot do it FOR him.

You can help, but if he prefers to hang on to his upset? Then he prefers to hang on to it. Then you have to decide if you enjoy dating him that way or not.

If he only agreed to being in an Open relationship with you to gain access to you and be in your orbit? Then he really wasn't choosing to be in Open relationships because HE enjoys being in them. He's only doing it to get access to you. Or thinking that him doing something he really doesn't want to do is somehow "proving" his love for you.

If that's what is going on, I think the kindest thing you as a hinge can do is cut him loose so his upset has clear end point. Don't let it be never ending suffering.

He can stop being upset about the other dating partners, and be upset about a break up for a while. Then heal and stop being upset about the break up. His suffering ends rather than being never ending upset because you ARE going to date other people. Maybe he learns not to get himself into situations that are not right for him just to get to date someone.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Re (from newpoly92):
"I really need advice on how I can convince him that other guys aren't a competition and that I'm not trying to replace him."
Click to expand...

What about putting the ball in his court? that is, asking him what it would take for him to be convinced? He seems to be determined to keep a closed fist on his competitiveness, so maybe you could turn that determination around on him.

That's about all I can think of right now. Possibly I'll think of other ideas later.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top