Polyamorous or indecisive/unsure?

B

Bobbyboy

New member
So to make a long story as short as possible:

I met my girlfriend 6 years ago...up until then I was in a yes-no-maybe place with one of her acquintaces who I was madly infatuated with but i got sick of the push and pull and gave up on it and in the same time I met my current girlfriend who then caught much of my attention

During the last 6 years I had periods where feelings for the other girl resurfaced until i finally admitted to myself that I love her. In the same time I love my girlfriend.

I cant say these loves are the same. For my girlfriend I feel a much calmer, harmonious love, with stronger emotional intimacy and closenes (this might be from being six years together though) and sexual passion. For the other girl I feel a more mistical,piercing and tantalizing love (maybe because it was surpressed so long?) with stronger emotional passion but less intimacy and less sexual desire than with my girlfriend (even though sexual desire has increased lately). I am compatible with both in different ways although I think I am more compatible with my girlfriend.

Last year I acknowledged that I have these feelings for the other girl. At the same time my father was diagnosed a bad case of cancer which left me emotionally devastated and I have involved myself 100% in his treatment. This has somehow led me to tell the other girl what I feel about her (since life is short etc.) and she reciprocated saying the same and from there things started to get difficult and went into the domain of emotional cheating which I have not relized until lately.
In the same time my girlfriend did not react how i expected when I found myself in this new life situation with my father and I felt that she somehow let me down and that I would do much more if the situation was reversed. On the other hand the other girl put in a lot of effort to make me feel better and help even though she was under no "obligation". So this situation also "helped" me getting closer with her during the last year.

So my question is this? Am I polyamorous? Do i really love them both? Or neither? Or just one? Have I only gotten re-infatuated with the other girl or is this a too long period for it to be infatuation?

Is this situation only happening because of my extremely stressful life situation?

I have to find a solution soon because I dont like this dishonesty for which I feel is my fault.

I have talked with both about polyamory in casual conversation and general terms but both are hostile to this idea so I think if I dont decide on one soon I might lose both. On the other hand, this would mean shutting out either of them and that also feels like hell, feels like loosing another person I love while I am still struggling for the life of my dad.

Please help, and please withold judgment, I know that I am in a situation which is primarily unfair to my girlfriend, and this is why I am trying to find a solution. Any well meaning advice can help.

Thanks!
 
I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Do you think a grief counselor could aid you?

I'm also sorry you struggle right now with relationships.

Is this situation only happening because of my extremely stressful life situation?
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FWIW -- to me it sounds like that one. You are in grief with feelings all over the place, and perhaps things seem bigger than they have to be right now. In your shoes, I would set these other problems firmly aside and focus on healing from your father's passing.

What are your current agreements with your GF? "Emotional affair" sounds like it would be breaking agreements. But what exactly happened? You shared grief with a friend and somewhere in there told her you had a crush. Now you feel guilty about the revelation because you have a GF.

I think you could apologize to the friend for overleaning on her during the death of your father and some "fuzzy boundaries" developing. I think this is understandable that it happened since you are mourning and she was there... but this doesn't need to continue.

You could thank her for her support in a tough time, and tell her you want to keep "friend" boundaries and set aside any "crush" stuff that came out while in grief mode. You apologize for your faux pas and hope that she will overlook it as you were emotionally distraught. Hopefully she accepts the apology and lets it go.

Then you could tell GF that you want to apologize. You got close with friend while in grief and you said some things to her you don't think were appropriate. But have since cleared it up and don't plan to do it again. That you hope GF forgives your faux pas. Hopefully she accepts the apology, understands grieving people sometimes say stuff, and lets it go.

You could tell GF that you would like to talk about death and grieving for the next time someone else dies in the family. What kind of support you would like from GF and what kind of support she is willing to give. What kind of support you could seek from friends, and what kind of support is best from a grief counselor.

I've been through deep grief and there have been times where I wanted to tell other people who were still here that I loved them. I framed it that way when I told them. "I have lost someone close to me. I feel the need to tell those who are still here that I love them and care about them. You are one of those people." I didn't frame it as some romantic thing because I knew I was in no shape to be starting up romances. I've also been through grief many times -- if this is one of your first, you might not know yourself well in "grief mode" to be able to articulate what's going on in your head well.

There's also the surprising high drive to have sex with my spouse. Like "that person died, but not ME! I'm still very much alive!" Grief can be weird like that.

But if one of my friends had a BF who was all upset with grief over the death of his father? And he suddenly told me he loved me? I would have said "Thank you. But this crush stuff is not appropriate. I am going to chalk this up as grief talk and overlook it. I am going to take it like you miss your dad and you want to tell the people you still have here with you that you care about them. I care about you as my friend, and I care about your GF as my friend too. "

I would NOT take it as opportunity to start an emotional affair with him. He's vulnerable, so it is not kind to take advantage of a person like that or encourage them to break agreements with their GF. If I am going after vulnerable people? What kind of friend am I to him? Or to the GF, who is also my friend?

I will assume positive intent though and guess she was just caught off guard, had her own high feelings (because supporting grieving people can be intense) and did some blurting of her own.

Set this stuff aside firmly aside for now. Make your apologies and then focus on healing from your dad's passing. That's the more important thing.

If there's crush stuff still there later? You can deal with it at a later time with a cooler head. TAKE AWAY from your current load. Don't be ADDING to it.

Galagirl
 
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Mi Pe Wertzyville

First of all for thanks for a very insightful answer!

My dad is fortunately still alive and fighting, but I am nevertheless absorbed with this.

While I see what you are saying about a crush potentiated by this whole situation (and I did at times myself feel like this crush is an emotional escape from reality) I did have resurfacing feelings for this girl throughout the relationship. And although it never made me doubt if I love my girlfriend, it did make me wonder if I love the other girl too.

Also I think a big problem is I felt that my girlfriends reaction to my new family situation was inadequate and this partly alienated me from her. On the other hand I am not sure how to objectively asses wether her general reaction was adequate and loving or not, I am extra sensible because of the whole situation and will feel that every fight she provokes is a form of insensibility..

Or for example I became furious when the whole thing started. My family was in our vacation house when father told us the bad news and I called my GF to come visit for the weekends (dad wanted to stay at the weekend house for a month) but my GF came only the first weekend and not the other ones because she had a bridesmaid party and a wedding etc..Or it would take her 2 hours to answer my message when I got news of dads worsening diagnosis etc...

In the later months I felt her attitude changed much for the better and that she is much supportive after she realised what it means to me...But these first months left a really bad impression on me and I think this was one of the reasons the situation with the other girl happened as well..
 
I am so sorry I misunderstood. I hope Dad is doing ok with his cancer treatment.

In the later months I felt her attitude changed much for the better and that she is much supportive after she realised what it means to me...But these first months left a really bad impression on me and I think this was one of the reasons the situation with the other girl happened as well..
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Glad to hear she has improved once you made her aware of your needs. I think you may have to do more of that. Just tell her what you need/want her to do.

Some people are really great at instinctual support during serious illness and dying. Some people don't have the experience or skills and don't know how to be or what to do. It is a skill. Not everyone has it.

That's why I suggest a grief counselor. Getting a serious dx will lead through a lot of feelings -- Why Dad? Why us? Why now? What did we do to deserve this? Accepting the dx, depression over the dx. Lots of stuff.

If your GF is not enough people to support you, you might do better with a professional on your team too. She can be on the team, but she cannot be the whole football team. YKWIM? Add more friends you can talk to. Visit patient boards so you can talk to people who are going through this or been through this in the role you are in. Again, try to REDUCE the stress. Not add to it.

I think whether or not you love this other girl is best assessed later on after this illness time is over. "Trauma bonding" doesn't sound like a great foundation for anything, and as you say... you are extra sensitive right now. And this crush may be escape from reality. Pleasant, but not anything of substance.

So... don't worry about solving those things or answering those questions for now. Focus more on being there for your dad AND maintaining your own mental health and well being. It's tough being in the shoes you are in as you watch your dad battle cancer.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Wow again incredibly insightful!

Btw what is "dx"?

Do you think i should try to stay friends with this girl? And try reducing the romantic and sexual innuendo? Is this even possible?
 
Bobbyboy said:
Do you think i should try to stay friends with this girl? And try reducing the romantic and sexual innuendo? Is this even possible?
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I think that depends on how sincere, earnest and self-honest the intend of yours can be. If you keep having these "I'd like to have them both, never mind that they are opposed" doubts, my guess is you'll fail at winding the sexual part down.
 
dx = diagnosis. (Sorry about that)

Do you think i should try to stay friends with this girl? And try reducing the romantic and sexual innuendo? Is this even possible?
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That is for you to answer. Your behaviors are for you to control.

If you are going to be friends, then limit your behavior around to her to "friend behavior" only. Stop any flirting or romantic or sexual innuendo since those behaviors lead to confused feelings for you. That's how you got to where you are now, and you don't seem to be enjoying feeling bad or guilty or whatever. You seem to want relief from that.

If you cannot control your behavior around her and keep it to friendly behavior only? Then don't hang around her until you can.

Keep it simple on yourself and create the relief you want.

Galagirl
 
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I recently lost someone close to me to cancer, it is a hard battle to witness. I'm glad your dad is still with you.

If the other girl is someone you consider a friend and want to keep as a friend? Tell her that your emotional situation is in turmoil for now and you care about her but need to step back from where the two of you have gotten to. If she is your friend she will understand that you need some space from her even if she is disappointed some. You may find you need to minimize contact with her in order to focus on all the other stuff you have going on.

Leetah
 
Hi Bobbyboy,

First of all, my condolences on your father's condition. Cancer is such a terrible thing.

As for your girlfriend and the other girl, I think the key thing to note here is that neither of them are in favor of poly. So you really do have to choose; they themselves have made that the case by definition. In fact you may want to consider choosing neither of them, since you seem to be somewhat inclined towards poly, and neither of them would be okay with that, no matter who the second partner was.

Right now, though, with the situation with your father being what it is, I wouldn't try to implement any big changes at this moment. You already have an established relationship with your girlfriend, so that's the one I would pick. For now, anyway. Like the others were saying, you don't have to be mean about it, just tell the other girl that you got carried away due to your father's predicament, and you just need some space for now. You can always change your mind later, but like I said, you may want to choose neither woman really. It's up to you.

I hope things get better for you in the future, and keep us posted if you're willing too.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Bobbyboy said:
So my question is this? Am I polyamorous? Do i really love them both? Or neither? Or just one? Have I only gotten re-infatuated with the other girl or is this a too long period for it to be infatuation?

Is this situation only happening because of my extremely stressful life situation?
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It's common for people to love two people at once. That's not anything unusual and why it happens or dismissing it as "only infatuation" isn't really helpful in my experience. People develop love for a variety of reasons and whatever those reasons are, love is present. What is uncommon is that the love is out in the open, communicated openly with the people involved. I don't think it's at all necessary to ask yourself "Can I love two people?" (because obviously you can) but "How am I going to express this love?" Agonizing over whether you feel what you feel isn't necessary. You feel what you feel. Thinking about how you're going to proceed would be more beneficial.
 
@Fallen I see what you mean. But my reasoning was to first try to determine if the feeling of love for either was genuine. Because if i would realize that one or both is not that would make a decision how to proceed much easier. It is the hardest to choose between two positive things..

@Kdt, hmm yes, but i wouldnt say I am fully inclined to poly. The feelings I have for these two women I have never felt before or after in my 30 years of life. Im not poly-polyamorous, if you know what Im trying to say.

Yes, one of my instincts is to wait it out, but there is one thing that is bugging me, I dont know how long the situation with my father is going to last and how it will develop because it can go in more ways than one...on the other hand I am affraid of the situation in which I realize that i actually only love the other girl and she is already gone by that moment. I know it sounds silly but I really cant define or comprehend what real love is. Because I feel like I love them both but differently...this is why I ponder so much about the posibility that only one of these feelings is authentic..


Thank you everybody for your support!
 
Love is a beautiful thing to have in one's life and not something to be afraid of. If people we love move on and out of our lives, I think what we cry about and mourn the most is the fear of living without having that love around all the time anymore. However, the feelings of love don't just disappear and in reality, if we genuinely love them, we want them to be happy and feel free to make of their lives what they will. So, we have to let go of a certain amount of selfishness and the self-pity that comes up because we see their moving on as us losing something. When in fact, it's a rather wonderful thing that love came into our life and we'll always have that experience as a part of who we are.
 
Because I feel like I love them both but differently...this is why I ponder so much about the posibility that only one of these feelings is authentic..
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I think it may be you love them both differently. AND they both are authentic in the sense that you are experiencing something with each.

You seem stuck in "either this or that" mode. Like "Either I love this one or I love that one."

Rather than stepping back and realizing it could be "Both/and." Like "I love them both AND I have to figure out if I have space in my life for love in general right now with Dad's care. And if so, which partner is the better fit at this point in time or if none are."

I subscribe to love theory.

Here is another illustration.

I don't think love has to come the same way each time. It may come into your live in different ways, and some may cover different areas than other. They can all be authentic. Just because they are different doesn't mean they don't all have some value. So I think loving each one in a different way is ok.

The thing is more... what kind of love are you seeking at THIS point in time? Do either of these people provide it? Are you better off on your own right now since Dad's care is taking up a huge portion of your time?

Those are things only you can answer.

In your shoes? I would either choose to be alone and reduce stress by reducing variables.

Or go like Kevin suggests and stick with the long term GF for now. Reduce stress by reducing changes. Since your familial life is up and down right now with Dad's cancer, you might not welcome changes in your romantic life at this particular moment.

It's up to you how you want to handle it.

Galagirl
 
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ok, so an update:

I processed things through and I realized that my gf was not so unsupportive after all, she listened to me and provided emotional and physical comfort even though she sometimes lashed out, but I believe she did this to make me snap out of it not understanding it can be hurtful. What was somewhat lacking was tangible support. I mean it was not lacking but I always had to ask and insist on it (eg. asking more than once for her to visit my mother while I was away on month-long treatments with my dad) She would always do the things I asked, but I sensed some reluctance and I guess this hurt me along with some other things.


But there has been a recent development, she went on a 4-month study of her post-doc exam. She had a serious crush for a guy who studied in the library next to her even though they just recently officialy met each other... She left a conversation on Facebook open with her friend and there she said she fell for the guy and that she even considered leaving me during a period of 2 weeks but that she then snapped out of it, especially after she met him and the illusion of the crush burst. I understand crushes are common even in long term relationships but what hurt me is that even after her bubble was burst she went out clubbing a couple of times with the same group of people in which the crush was.

I suspect, her crush was reinforced with the fact that I love that other girl. I have never told her this,but maybe she sensed something was up. In the conversation with her friend I saw that she mentioned serious disapproval that I went to coffee breaks with her.

I really lost my compass...is this situation on me? On her? On both of us?



P.S. I recently reduced contact with the other girl to a minimum
 
Oh darn. So you gf is or was in a similar boat to yours. Crushing on another. While being monogamous. It is possible her guilt over her crush led to her coming down hard on you during casual convos about poly!

We all do weird things when we are trying to suppress something. I hope you two can continue to have open, honest, respectful discussions of how to proceed when either of you gets a crush. Even if you remain monogamous. People firmly committed to monogamy can still get crushes. I think the ideal situation is to be able to admit that to your mono partner, and see it as normal. Often crushes fade after a time and needn't be a true threat to a mono relationship. You can even share fantasies about the crush(es) with each other and find that adds spice to the sex you have together.

I am sorry your dad is so sick. I had stage 1A cancer, needed a hysterectomy, and am undergoing one session of chemo currently. It's very rough even though my prognosis is great. You're a good son to be so supportive. Can you form a team to share his care? The American Cancer Society has a great book about caring for a cancer patient while caring for yourself. It is free. Go to their website to order one, either online or by phone.
 
No, her crush was much more recent than these talks I think and she wasn't particularly hostile to it, just against it.

What I am wondering here is if she crossed the line of emotional infidelity by not stopping the crush on time before it went full-blown or by not stopping inappropriate contact (going out with the same group of colleagues)?

I am also wondering if my relationship with the other girl is something that might have led to all of this happening.

Because I am thinking in the long-run, If I am going to marry my girlfriend I need to trust her. If it was my fault that things turned out this way, then I need to work on myself, and that is something I have control of. If it is her fault her crush went out of hand, then i have no influence and it is much harder for me to trust her in the future.


Thanks a lot for the advice. I wish you all the best with your treatments, I really believe you can beat this especially since it is only 1a!
 
Bobbyboy said:
No, her crush was much more recent than these talks I think and she wasn't particularly hostile to it, just against it.

What I am wondering here is if she crossed the line of emotional infidelity by not stopping the crush on time before it went full-blown or by not stopping inappropriate contact (going out with the same group of colleagues)?

I am also wondering if my relationship with the other girl is something that might have led to all of this happening.

Because I am thinking in the long-run, If I am going to marry my girlfriend I need to trust her. If it was my fault that things turned out this way, then I need to work on myself, and that is something I have control of. If it is her fault her crush went out of hand, then i have no influence and it is much harder for me to trust her in the future.
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I think you could focus less on blame-casting and just accept it happened for both of you, during this difficult time of your dad's illness, especially since doing his care can take you away from home for extended periods of time. You are under a ton of stress! It's not so important to decide, is it my fault or hers, and just go with a plan for behaviors in the future.

Yes, she could both spend less time with your crushes. That does help a crush fade. But is your gf willing to do that? It's up to her.

Thanks a lot for the advice. I wish you all the best with your treatments, I really believe you can beat this especially since it is only 1a!
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Yes, my dr assures me once the chemo is done I will be just as low risk for cancer as anyone else who never had it. I am lucky! I hope you can get a copy of that book for you and your gf to help learn how the stress of an ill family member can affect your lives, and find some ideas for coping. Good luck, hon.
 
I see what you are getting at.

What troubles me is that crush came exactly at a time when I was away with my father during one of his toughest and most dangerous phases of treatment. So I kind of feel betrayed
 
I agree with Magdyln. You could accept this crushing happened to both of you at a rough time where maybe you both needed a bit of levity/distraction from all the illness and caregiver work.

I think you might be over focussing on the fact a crush happened. And not enough on the fact that she realized it was illusion and snapped out of it. You also seem to have let the other crush woman fade down yourself.

Sometimes passing fancies are just that. Passing fancies. They don't have to mean anything other than a something fun to think about for a while.

Sometimes fantasies give you a mental break so you get some relief FROM a stressy situation that isn't going to end any time soon.

I've certainly had my share. I deal in eldercare over here for all the parents. I've had crushes, I've fantasies about running away or fantasies about waking up one day and all the elders fell off the Earth. Talking to my caregiver support people helps me see these things for what they are -- steam valves, mental breaks, dark humor to help me cope. My caregiver friends tell me their crazy fantasies and I feel more normal having my crazy fantasies. It helps me see it is all part of the process.

Do you have a cancer family support group you could attend to help you in your process?

She would always do the things I asked, but I sensed some reluctance and I guess this hurt me along with some other things.
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Are you making space to acknowledge that she might not be esp skilled in caregiver stuff? Not everyone is naturally talented in this area. She sounds agreeable if you tell her what is needed, but she's not going to intuit it on her own.

I really lost my compass...is this situation on me? On her? On both of us?
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Maybe all this overthinking is from the stress? Or part of the grief process for your dad having cancer? Could individual counseling help give you support and help you untangle?

What troubles me is that crush came exactly at a time when I was away with my father during one of his toughest and most dangerous phases of treatment. So I kind of feel betrayed
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I am confused. Could you be willing to clarify? What behavior was the betraying part? That she told the FB friend what was on her mind about her crush and not you?

Or are you saying that at one of the most stressful times of you & GF's lives, you feel betrayed that she needed a break for a short stint?
:confused:

Because I am thinking in the long-run, If I am going to marry my girlfriend I need to trust her. If it was my fault that things turned out this way, then I need to work on myself, and that is something I have control of. If it is her fault her crush went out of hand, then i have no influence and it is much harder for me to trust her in the future.
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How about... it's nobody's fault? And during a high stress time both of you needed a mental break? And it came about in the forms of crushes on other people. Which sound like both have pretty much run their course? Why make it bigger than it is? :confused:

I think you could give both you and GF some slack. Don't be ADDING to your stress load right now. Seek to TAKE AWAY from it.

Galagirl
 
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Yes I see what you mean, and at the risk of sounding selfish and hypocrite I have to ask this question to a third party- isn't my crush more justified since it happened during a life or death situation, and her during a study period for the exam. Although I have to admit it is a very very difficult exams and couples have been known to break up because of it.

Yes, she did snap out of it and admitted she fell in love for an illusion of the person and the person itself. So, why after this admission to her friend and to herself has she invited the guy to most of the social gatherings of the group? (4-5) I found out he even walked her home while drunk at 4AM. And all this after apparently relising the crush was fake?
Isn't this borderline emotional cheating when you act upon your crush?

Yes, I have actually come to terms about the not being supportive thing. That is I did before this crush of hers happened. Before, I realised exactly this that if you don't ask you can't expect her to read your mind, but i still had some resentment over her reluctance to help over some things I did ask for. But I say, this was before I found out about the crush - the thing is it happened while I was away with dad on treatments and I feel that her crush removed a part of attention I needed during that time, and made me further fall for the attention of MY crush.
I realise this is searching for cause and effect and going into a blame game but its hard for me to help it.

So the sense of betrayal comes out of my perception her attention was somewhere else and comes from the fact that even after she realised the crush was what it was she still acted upon it by inviting the guy to common gatherings of their study group.

I have to admit though they seem to never have texted or went for coffee alone or anything of the sort, except the walking home thing.
 
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