I have been a lurker, but I feel like I would be better served to spit this out.
My wife and I have been married for 3 years, this last weekend actually. I had caught her and my best friend in bed together, a couple of times, after a lot of drinks. That was over a year ago and everything was going great. Until three weeks ago, she came home from shopping on a Saturday morning and informed me that she "thinks" she is polyamorous. We have both been mono our whole lives, I have pondered it a few times, but never acted.
(An aside, we have both been cheated on by every partner we have ever had, I have never cheated myself, but she has admitted to a few "indiscretions". She is jealous, like come home drunk, mistake something, and beat the shit out of you for something that no one can figure out later, JEALOUS. I do a lesser, much more passive-aggressive (I know unhealthy as hell) degree am also extremely jealous. I believe she has trust issues, I feel like I am a little too fast and loose with the trust. We even had gone so far as to open our phones to each other and would regularly swap at random times to keep it open.)
After a fair amount of discussion and some playful texting we decided to try a random threesome to see if (if you don't see it coming yet, you're either naive or not nearly cynical enough) the jealousy issue would be too much for either of us. I had suggested the best friend, because I had already offered the threesome as a "you should have just asked" situation. However, he was unavailable, so she said she knew someone. We probably shouldn't have, but as we almost always do, we poured booze on the situation. It was fun, and we had fun, but I ended up fast asleep in the spare bedroom (our marital bed is supposed to stay sacred, that is a hard fast rule), when I woke up first, I found them asleep in my bed.
As communication is a necessity and dishonesty and hiding stuff has no place in polyamory, we had a chat. I learned that the first guy, my buddy, wasn't two isolated instances it was a full blown affair. The next guy, wasn't random, not even, they've been texting, even as far as some "I love yous" for a week (still font know the facts there, not sure it matters, my money is on 3 weeks). I still know that she loves me, I know I love her, I trust that she does not want to hurt me, but I do not trust that she will be honest if she thinks she made a deal breaker. (I do not feel that I have any deal breakers left in the bag) She did apologize, and promise not to hide things, henceforth.
Next is jealousy, that funny little green man telling you to act a fool and be a jack@$$. We spent this last weekend all together, they work at the same place, but her and I are the same shift, where he is on an opposite. Everything was fine until sex. Sex with three, apparently all insecure people with feelings, is a bad freaking idea, do not do it! We neither one can stand the other having a turn, and she has no idea how to split attention, it was disastrous both nights. To make it worse, he is a lot bigger than me (like he should be proud), she said she was nervous and wanted to spend the night alone with him after we had been at it for a while, because she didn't want it to be painful between them. I am dealing with the thoughts of being replaced and useless not that she is getting used to "king rhino". However, I do want to do this for her, she is my soulmate - not kidding. So the next day after I got over being butt hurt, I offered to try all three of us sleeping cuddling together. That didn't go well either, my turn made him jealous, his turn (quite literally) may have traumatized me, and none of us felt better in the morning. I even woke up before the alarm and was playful, but was later told that it felt obligatory. - (there, I'm the husband god damn right <- unhealthy I know) I vehemently oppose being a cuckold.
Now this week is a big deal for her. She holds a high level HR position and they're doing some sort of year planning thing where she will be gone, pretty much, all week. I have asked for couple time where she put her fucking cell phone (don't even get me started on that damn contraption), down and spend an evening being "just" with me. I feel like she dropped the ball, we had a stay date on Thursday, she was on her phone texting him, (apparently they were having issues with titles and commitment), so I was there for her. Saturday and Sunday were as described above, (our anniversary weekend mind you). Last night she was so stressed out and exhausted from work that she barely ate, and was, again, on the phone. I do not expect her home until late tonight, as she has organized a planning event and it it an hour away, ending late. Tomorrow is her one day this week that he is available for her until next Monday or Tuesday. All of this leaves me Thursday, I have a decent dinner planned, and I will be coming up with a few ideas, depending on her energy level, to try to spend quality time together. I am trying.
So, my question, am I being a spoiled brat because I am not used to this? How do you tell someone, after being nice the first 5 times, that you need more time with them and their attention without screaming and acting like a fool? I know she is busy, but this poly stuff sucks for me right now. Sex and NRE is another huge issue, I know I cant compete, I know that he is exciting, but I was not happy with the frequency of our coupling before this. I know that I need to put forth more effort to make me more exciting or appealing, but we have 4 kids, jobs, a new house, and more pets than I want to think about taking care of. This is a lot to deal with.
I almost think that if I added someone, that pool by the way is the Mohave desert, that I would be better at this, as I would have a distraction. I do know though, that if I were to do that now, it would only damage my marriage, I need to be "okay" before I make any decisions in that area.
I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Any wise words would be greatly appreciated.
My wife and I have been married for 3 years, this last weekend actually. I had caught her and my best friend in bed together, a couple of times, after a lot of drinks. That was over a year ago and everything was going great. Until three weeks ago, she came home from shopping on a Saturday morning and informed me that she "thinks" she is polyamorous. We have both been mono our whole lives, I have pondered it a few times, but never acted.
(An aside, we have both been cheated on by every partner we have ever had, I have never cheated myself, but she has admitted to a few "indiscretions". She is jealous, like come home drunk, mistake something, and beat the shit out of you for something that no one can figure out later, JEALOUS. I do a lesser, much more passive-aggressive (I know unhealthy as hell) degree am also extremely jealous. I believe she has trust issues, I feel like I am a little too fast and loose with the trust. We even had gone so far as to open our phones to each other and would regularly swap at random times to keep it open.)
After a fair amount of discussion and some playful texting we decided to try a random threesome to see if (if you don't see it coming yet, you're either naive or not nearly cynical enough) the jealousy issue would be too much for either of us. I had suggested the best friend, because I had already offered the threesome as a "you should have just asked" situation. However, he was unavailable, so she said she knew someone. We probably shouldn't have, but as we almost always do, we poured booze on the situation. It was fun, and we had fun, but I ended up fast asleep in the spare bedroom (our marital bed is supposed to stay sacred, that is a hard fast rule), when I woke up first, I found them asleep in my bed.
As communication is a necessity and dishonesty and hiding stuff has no place in polyamory, we had a chat. I learned that the first guy, my buddy, wasn't two isolated instances it was a full blown affair. The next guy, wasn't random, not even, they've been texting, even as far as some "I love yous" for a week (still font know the facts there, not sure it matters, my money is on 3 weeks). I still know that she loves me, I know I love her, I trust that she does not want to hurt me, but I do not trust that she will be honest if she thinks she made a deal breaker. (I do not feel that I have any deal breakers left in the bag) She did apologize, and promise not to hide things, henceforth.
Next is jealousy, that funny little green man telling you to act a fool and be a jack@$$. We spent this last weekend all together, they work at the same place, but her and I are the same shift, where he is on an opposite. Everything was fine until sex. Sex with three, apparently all insecure people with feelings, is a bad freaking idea, do not do it! We neither one can stand the other having a turn, and she has no idea how to split attention, it was disastrous both nights. To make it worse, he is a lot bigger than me (like he should be proud), she said she was nervous and wanted to spend the night alone with him after we had been at it for a while, because she didn't want it to be painful between them. I am dealing with the thoughts of being replaced and useless not that she is getting used to "king rhino". However, I do want to do this for her, she is my soulmate - not kidding. So the next day after I got over being butt hurt, I offered to try all three of us sleeping cuddling together. That didn't go well either, my turn made him jealous, his turn (quite literally) may have traumatized me, and none of us felt better in the morning. I even woke up before the alarm and was playful, but was later told that it felt obligatory. - (there, I'm the husband god damn right <- unhealthy I know) I vehemently oppose being a cuckold.
Now this week is a big deal for her. She holds a high level HR position and they're doing some sort of year planning thing where she will be gone, pretty much, all week. I have asked for couple time where she put her fucking cell phone (don't even get me started on that damn contraption), down and spend an evening being "just" with me. I feel like she dropped the ball, we had a stay date on Thursday, she was on her phone texting him, (apparently they were having issues with titles and commitment), so I was there for her. Saturday and Sunday were as described above, (our anniversary weekend mind you). Last night she was so stressed out and exhausted from work that she barely ate, and was, again, on the phone. I do not expect her home until late tonight, as she has organized a planning event and it it an hour away, ending late. Tomorrow is her one day this week that he is available for her until next Monday or Tuesday. All of this leaves me Thursday, I have a decent dinner planned, and I will be coming up with a few ideas, depending on her energy level, to try to spend quality time together. I am trying.
So, my question, am I being a spoiled brat because I am not used to this? How do you tell someone, after being nice the first 5 times, that you need more time with them and their attention without screaming and acting like a fool? I know she is busy, but this poly stuff sucks for me right now. Sex and NRE is another huge issue, I know I cant compete, I know that he is exciting, but I was not happy with the frequency of our coupling before this. I know that I need to put forth more effort to make me more exciting or appealing, but we have 4 kids, jobs, a new house, and more pets than I want to think about taking care of. This is a lot to deal with.
I almost think that if I added someone, that pool by the way is the Mohave desert, that I would be better at this, as I would have a distraction. I do know though, that if I were to do that now, it would only damage my marriage, I need to be "okay" before I make any decisions in that area.
I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Any wise words would be greatly appreciated.
