Polyamory Dating Misconception

Sinclair

Sinclair

New member
I've been on here for less than or about a week I think. And I wish that this platform was more active. So I intend to stay to contribute to it becoming more active.

I haven't been in a polyamorous relationship in over six years. It's been a while since I've felt like I could emotionally manage another partner.

So... returning to the dating field... YIKES... Dating as a norm seems difficult, but in terms of polyamory, somewhat harder still.

The biggest issue I've encountered thus far is the popular impression that looking for a polyamorous relationship means I'm looking for casual fun. When did that become a thing? What did I miss? Why is it being understood as hook-up culture, when it is in fact a romantic and emotional attachment? So here I am on dating apps again, being flooded with requests about "having fun," while I'm looking for that mental connection that leads to a healthy emotional attraction.
 
I’m not sure it’s the polyamory part that’s the problem with the apps: Feeld is the only one I’ve found that caters to people who are specifically looking for nonmonog relationships, but hookup culture is awfully prevalent in all of them in my experience.
Most apps = hook up or monogamy
Poly apps (like field) = hook up or nonmonog options
But also the apps suuuuuck. Blech. Necessary evils
 
I, myself, am not a big fan of dating apps. I tend to disappear from them prematurely. I am using Bumble and Boo, though I will likely end up uninstalling it. I will try Feeld. Though I vouch that we all go back to either forum formats or handwritten letters. :ROFLMAO: Pity the only people who are eager to receive letters in the modern world are all in prison.😅😆
 
Hello Sinclair,

I think people tend to conflate polyamory with swinging, the latter being more casual and less about emotional connections. Playing the dating game is no fun, I am glad I stopped doing it some 15 to 17 years ago. I mean I'm glad I don't feel the need. The one partner I have is enough.

I appreciate your participation on Polyamory.com, we are by no means dead but I'm sure Reddit gets a lot more traffic. We do have a handful of faithful members who keep the site alive, I am glad to be able to welcome you to that number. Hang in there with the dating search, you'll find the right person/s in due time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
About this board being "slow," there are usually have 2000-4000 people lurking and reading here at any one time. I guess that's nothing compared to Reddit, but still, polyamory.com is reaching many people on a daily basis. With 16 years of well-organized and archived posts on every polyamory topic possible, we are still a great resource!
 
Sinclair said:
I, myself, am not a big fan of dating apps. I tend to disappear from them prematurely. I am using Bumble and Boo, though I will likely end up uninstalling it. I will try Feeld. Though I vouch that we all go back to either forum formats or handwritten letters. :ROFLMAO: Pity the only people who are eager to receive letters in the modern world are all in prison.😅😆
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I'd so take a handwritten letter these days myself. They are more personal. Most of the people I interact with anymore are all online, so that's a bit closer I guess? 🤣
 
NorseNerd said:
I'd so take a handwritten letter these days myself.
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@Sharona1881 is an avid pen pal. Idk if I could see myself diving that deeply, (although I have been known to write long form letters with pen and ink on parchment sealed with a personal wax emblem *eyeroll*) I do regularly find myself considering writing an old friend a long email.
 
NorseNerd said:
I'd so take a handwritten letter these days myself. They are more personal. Most of the people I interact with anymore are all online, so that's a bit closer, I guess? 🤣
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I think sometimes the fact that something is so instant ruins the experience. People are fairly lazy with online communication.
 
Sinclair said:
I think sometimes the fact that something is so instant ruins the experience. People are fairly lazy with online communication.
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Oh, I fully agree there. It's far too easy to be a keyboard warrior, or make yourself to be something you are not. Sadly. Plus it can be rough to weed through the BS at times.

But... sometimes that's all the interaction I have with the outside world some days, so I take what I can get, ya know?
 
I’ve been doing my best to build community in the real world, but the apps allow us to keep talking even when we’re sitting on the couch at midnight, and that’s pretty cool too. But yeah, they’re also huge trash fires a lot of the time. More than one thing can be true at once.
 
I'm in the same boat. I completely understand. There is a great benefit to utilizing online resources for dating or making friends, though, since it allows for a much larger pool of people to find a more compatible match.
 
Well I myself don't use any apps, social media, or anything like that, it's too easy to hide behind established Internet persona, I would rather meet someone irl at least it's a more genuine experience. Friends is fine but I personally ally can't use apps to surrogate and automate. To me personally it's not genuine talking to a screen and a picture
 
Tenebris Vox said:
Well I myself don't use any apps, social media, or anything like that, it's too easy to hide behind established Internet persona, I would rather meet someone irl at least it's a more genuine experience. Friends is fine but I personally ally can't use apps to surrogate and automate. To me personally it's not genuine talking to a screen and a picture
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Honestly I'm thinking about making a hidden discord server for people when my computer has been repaired. I'm out of the game rn
 
Thanks to @Sinclair for starting the thread.

Like @FeralGeek, Dee and I are especially looking for interactions in the real word, so we have been going to a number of different events. We plan to go to more. These have not led to strong connections, but we have made a few beginnings. Our efforts seem to yield results especially in the way we feel about upping our social interaction game.

Still, we (really just me) decided to put some effort in online ‘dating’ so I started with OKCupid and Meetmindful.com. OKC has a lot of proclaimed poly people. MM has more mono but from different social sub-groups (homesteading for example). It is non-mono friendly. Both were ok. A few chats and even one person that was quite nice. I hope to continue with them. But, like Sinclair, I probably quit prematurely. It started feeling off, unreal, too swinger-like even from those professing Poly, and was becoming addictive. I closed the accounts for the time. Perhaps, we will try again later and give Feeld a go.

I feel like what is right is to go with the flow of life and with attending gatherings. Perhaps, the universe will provide. If it doesn’t, that is fine too. Neither of us are particularly looking for a romantic relationship over friends/community. If we do make friends (shared or not) and they end up more romantic, that may be a better flow.

As for writing, when email became the norm for communication (a thousand years ago), I started handwriting paper thank you notes at my job and for friends. It was very connecting and appreciated. It may be even more effective today especially as of late. Do you know Neil Young One of these days? I would totally write letters if I find someone to give me an address. 😊
 
Hi Sinclair. I feel that pain about the dating apps. I tried them, and have withdrawn pretty quickly.

And to build upon official greeter's (edt) comment about conflating poly with swinging... My whole paradigm shifted as I began to understand that people use dating apps as a shortcut for connection, but it's often just disjointed sex with multiple people. So I quit. And I don't think I'm going back anytime soon. Because what I'm seeking - a deep, intellectual connection - can't be reduced to swiping left and right. And to top that, I was really hesitant for joining this forum as well, but I'm glad to stay here for a while, and explore.
 
Last time I moved (from the country back to the city) I used Feeld to try and connect with new people. Ugh. Just awful. First dates are horrible because, yes, it does seem like people are just scoping each other out for sex.

And yeah, as you may have noticed here, we have a fair number of people arrive and post just looking for hookups. As a mod, it's frustrating, because if we deleted all of them, we'd be accused of gatekeeping/being overly controlling. But this site is a) about polyamory, and b) supposed to be a discussion forum first and foremost (although we tend to be busier in the advice subforum).
 
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KND said:
Thanks to @Sinclair for starting the thread.

Like @FeralGeek, Dee and I are especially looking for interactions in the real word, so we have been going to a number of different events. We plan to go to more. These have not led to strong connections, but we have made a few beginnings. Our efforts seem to yield results especially in the way we feel about upping our social interaction game.

Still, we (really just me) decided to put some effort in online ‘dating’ so I started with OKCupid and Meetmindful.com. OKC has a lot of proclaimed poly people. MM has more mono but from different social sub-groups (homesteading for example). It is non-mono friendly. Both were ok. A few chats and even one person that was quite nice. I hope to continue with them. But, like Sinclair, I probably quit prematurely. It started feeling off, unreal, too swinger-like even from those professing Poly, and was becoming addictive. I closed the accounts for the time. Perhaps, we will try again later and give Feeld a go.

I feel like what is right is to go with the flow of life and with attending gatherings. Perhaps, the universe will provide. If it doesn’t, that is fine too. Neither of us are particularly looking for a romantic relationship over friends/community. If we do make friends (shared or not) and they end up more romantic, that may be a better flow.

As for writing, when email became the norm for communication (a thousand years ago), I started handwriting paper thank you notes at my job and for friends. It was very connecting and appreciated. It may be even more effective today especially as of late. Do you know Neil Young One of these days? I would totally write letters if I find someone to give me an address. 😊
Click to expand...
I've gone ahead and removed myself from apps as I mentioned I'm likely to do. 😅
I'm with your mindset at the moment of just letting things happen as they may or may not occur.
 
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Evie said:
Last time I moved (from the country back to the city) I used Feeld to try and connect with new people. Ugh. Just awful. First dates are horrible because, yes, it does seem like people are just scoping each other out for sex.

And yeah, as you may have noticed here, we have a fair number of people arrive and post just looking for hookups. As a mod, it's frustrating, because if we deleted all of them, we'd be accused of gatekeeping/being overly controlling. But this site is a) about polyamory, and b) supposed to be a discussion forum first and foremost (although we tend to be busier in the advice subforum).
Click to expand...
I recently removed Feeld as well... it really caters more for hook-up culture more than anything else.
 
badger said:
Hi Sinclair. I feel that pain about the dating apps. I tried them, and have withdrawn pretty quickly.

And to build upon official greeter's (edt) comment about conflating poly with swinging... My whole paradigm shifted as I began to understand that people use dating apps as a shortcut for connection, but it's often just disjointed sex with multiple people. So I quit. And I don't think I'm going back anytime soon. Because what I'm seeking - a deep, intellectual connection - can't be reduced to swiping left and right. And to top that, I was really hesitant for joining this forum as well, but I'm glad to stay here for a while, and explore.
Click to expand...
I time and again join dating sites... I.always end up removing them.
 
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