Polyamory relationship with an extremely desired man, and unsure what I want

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NatalieJ

New member
I am 18 years old. I study in high school at the moment, and I have been having dates with a guy at my school who I have always found madly attractive, and it turned out that other girls felt that same way about him. Basically, he is this popular guy who all girls are always crushing on, and who looks like a supermodel, so he has it all going for him there.

I have always known that he is the type of guy who has a lot of casual dates with girls, and who is totally spoiled with that, so I kinda knew what I was getting myself into when I started flirting with him.

I have mostly met him when I have been with him at parties, where he of course was always invited by some of the girls who were present there, and this has always ended up with me and other girls having sex with him there, since he would always be the only guy there.

However, I am starting to feel unsure of what I want. The thing is, I also find him really cute and charming, so I have started to feel like I want to meet him alone some time. But I am not sure if he is that type. I actually feel a bit worried that he might get bored by me, since he seems to be more of the polyamory type, but it is also really hard to resist those party opportunities with him.

Do you know how I can solve this situation?
 
You are not in a "polyamory relationship" with a "polyamory type." You are the wing-person for a player.
 
NatalieJ said:
I am 18 years old. I study in high school at the moment, and I have been having dates with a guy at my school who I have always found madly attractive, and it turned out that other girls felt that same way about him. Basically, he is this popular guy who all girls are always crushing on, and who looks like a supermodel, so he has it all going for him there.

I have always known that he is the type of guy who has a lot of casual dates with girls, and who is totally spoiled with that, so I kinda knew what I was getting myself into when I started flirting with him.

I have mostly met him when I have been with him at parties, where he of course was always invited by some of the girls who were present there, and this has always ended up with me and other girls having sex with him there, since he would always be the only guy there.
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So, you are not dating this guy. He is so desired by a number of high school girls/young women, that he is invited to "parties" as the only male, and you all, either individually or in groups(?), line up to have sex with him. So, basically orgies with X number of women and only one male.
NatalieJ said:
However, I am starting to feel unsure of what I want. The thing is, I also find him really cute and charming, so I have started to feel like I want to meet him alone some time. But I am not sure if he is that type. I actually feel a bit worried that he might get bored by me, since he seems to be more of the polyamory type, but it is also really hard to resist those party opportunities with him.

Do you know how I can solve this situation?
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The only way to get one-on-one dates with this dreamboat is to take him aside, at school or after school, probably not during or right after an orgy, where he would be busy or, I imagine, drained and tired, and ask him to meet you one-on-one, and see what he says. It sounds like he is enjoying his hero superstar status right now, cashing in on his good looks and charm to get sex with a whole harem of women. I'd set my expectations low and expect rejection.

This is a rather unusual situation and I suspect it might be fake, a fantasy. It really has nothing to do with polyamory, that is, multiple loves. I don't see any love here, just lust and fantasy and group sex.
 
Well, this particular guy is unusually atttactive, so he gets reactions from girls that are extremely unusual.
And I am guessing that the other girls who meet him are just eager for the physical parts;
I certainly felt that way myself for a long time.

The thing that makes me a bit worried is that he only views me as one in the bunch that he has some fun with, and that he will not be interested in me as a person.
But I guess I will see what happens when I try to speak to him.
 
Hello NatalieJ,

You should just ask this guy, "Would you be willing to date me sometimes one on one, just us two?" Short, sweet, and to the point, and be willing to accept "No" as his answer. You don't know whether he would meet you alone, so find out. Then you can explore what you want based on his answer.

Good luck,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello NatalieJ,

You should just ask this guy, "Would you be willing to date me sometimes one on one, just us two?" Short, sweet, and to the point, and be willing to accept "No" as his answer. You don't know whether he would meet you alone, so find out. Then you can explore what you want based on his answer.

Good luck,
Kevin T.
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Yeah, I will try that.
Right now, I feel like I am almost invisible to him, and that I am just "another girl" who is into him.
But I don't feel that way about him;
he has a certain charm about him that makes him even more attractive - he isn't cocky or anything, he is just confident in a relaxed and humble way, so he doesn't strike me as arrogant or anything.
I guess maybe I am partly blinded by his physical looks, but he does seem like the humble type, funny enough.
 
Well, I hope he says "Yes" to your query. Sure he's humble, but is he the type to meet up with you one-on-one? The only way to know is to ask him.

You said you feel like you are invisible to him. But how can you know whether that's how he really feels? Maybe he's just being low-profile with his feelings. Who knows? Ask him, and find out what you need to know.

If it turns out you really are invisible to him, then you have a choice to make about whether that's the kind of relationship you want to be in. And maybe it would even alter your (currently) high opinion of him. Sure he's humble, but is he capable of having a meaningful relationship?
 
kdt26417 said:
Well, I hope he says "Yes" to your query. Sure he's humble, but is he the type to meet up with you one-on-one? The only way to know is to ask him.

You said you feel like you are invisible to him. But how can you know whether that's how he really feels? Maybe he's just being low-profile with his feelings. Who knows? Ask him, and find out what you need to know.

If it turns out you really are invisible to him, then you have a choice to make about whether that's the kind of relationship you want to be in. And maybe it would even alter your (currently) high opinion of him. Sure he's humble, but is he capable of having a meaningful relationship?
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I am not very sure about that;
I know that he is very used to having sex with several girls at the same time like that, and I do feel quite humiliated by it.
This is especially true when things turn into this situation when all the girls are starting to bend forward over the bed and wait for him to have his way with them one by one;
I fall for group pressure there, and do the same thing, and it feels more humiliating than anything else.
The thing that is difficult about all that is that I do really love the moment when I am "the next one", so to speak, so that part is very addictive, but I always end up feeling forgotten afterwards.

But then again, I should try talking to him, and see how he responds to me.
 
It seems that you are uncomfortable with his casual-sex harem, and you don't feel great about being part of that harem. I can't tell whether polyamory is right for you, mainly because what he's doing right now isn't really polyamory. Polyamory involves an emotional commitment, it is romantic and doesn't even always include sex. It's definitely not sport sex. Now is he nonmonogamous? Well obviously, yes. But I don't think he's polyamorous at this time.
 
kdt26417 said:
It seems that you are uncomfortable with his casual-sex harem, and you don't feel great about being part of that harem. I can't tell whether polyamory is right for you, mainly because what he's doing right now isn't really polyamory. Polyamory involves an emotional commitment, it is romantic and doesn't even always include sex. It's definitely not sport sex. Now is he nonmonogamous? Well obviously, yes. But I don't think he's polyamorous at this time.
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I guess the best way that I can put it is that I accept being part of that "crowd of girls", since this gives me chances to have sex with him.
And I am wildly attracted to him on a physical level, so that is what happens.
I was even okay with feeling humiliated, like accept that he possibly merely saw me as a sex toy that he had no respect for;
that was fine for a long time, but now it starts to make me feel uncomfortable.

I also have a strong feeling that he loves this kind of situation, so I should probably be ready to get rejected when I invite him on a one-on-one date.
But he might say yes, too.
 
Yeah I think being in the harem was worth it to you in the past (for the sex), but now you are starting to feel uncomfortable with it, like maybe some of the NRE is starting to wear off. You're getting tired of being a sex toy. Am I right in saying that?
 
kdt26417 said:
Yeah I think being in the harem was worth it to you in the past (for the sex), but now you are starting to feel uncomfortable with it, like maybe some of the NRE is starting to wear off. You're getting tired of being a sex toy. Am I right in saying that?
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I guess that is how it is, yes.
In the beginnimg I was purely focused on coming to the sex part with him, but then I started to feel uncomfortable with that, since I didn't feel noticed by him.
It was only the moments when he actually had sex with me that were thrilling, and then the rest of the time made me feel very humiliated.
And the constant sound of other girls getting orgasms from him, all the time, added to my rather jealous and uncomfortable feelings.
 
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At these parties, it sounds like you were getting 5% pleasure (your sex with him), and 95% humiliation (other girls' sex with him). If that is more or less correct, it's no wonder you got tired of it after a while. I suppose the sex was really good and that's why it was worth it to you at first. But as soon as the NRE started to wear off, it was no longer worth it to you. You got tired of being part of his sport-sex harem.

I suppose it's possible he could say, "No, I don't want to get together with you one-on-one," even if he's a good person. Come on, all that sex he's getting, he's probably addicted to it. Then again, maybe there's a novelty to it that wears off after a while, even for him. He could be thinking, "How long can I keep this up?" But who knows, you'll just have to ask.
 
kdt26417 said:
At these parties, it sounds like you were getting 5% pleasure (your sex with him), and 95% humiliation (other girls' sex with him). If that is more or less correct, it's no wonder you got tired of it after a while. I suppose the sex was really good and that's why it was worth it to you at first. But as soon as the NRE started to wear off, it was no longer worth it to you. You got tired of being part of his sport-sex harem.

I suppose it's possible he could say, "No, I don't want to get together with you one-on-one," even if he's a good person. Come on, all that sex he's getting, he's probably addicted to it. Then again, maybe there's a novelty to it that wears off after a while, even for him. He could be thinking, "How long can I keep this up?" But who knows, you'll just have to ask.
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Yeah - I guess maybe I should ask him about it outside of those parties, so that it becomes more between just me and him.

It's true that most of the time at those parties made me feel like just one in the bunch:
we did usually start our parties like normal party gatherings, and acted like friends, but it never took that long until he was sitting and making out with one of the girls, and then it escalated from there very quicky.
Things would very often result in those "line-ups", and I would always fall for the group pressure there, and join in it, but they were also the times that made me feel most humiliated and most like one in the bunch, since it essentially consisted of him doing his thing with everyone while we were all very passive, apart from all the moaning and delighted sounds that I would always hear from the other girls.
It was only when he had actually penetrated me and was holding me that I got into this completely different state, and started feeling exhilarated by it, and then I felt forgotten as soon as he switched to someone else after he noticed that I got an orgasm (which was probably usually within a minute or so).
So it was quite energy-draining on an emotional level, and if I meet him again then it would probably have to be one-on-one.
 
Yes -- ask him about it outside of those parties. Actually I'm not sure I'd recommend going to any more of those parties at all. You don't seem to get much out of them compared to what you put into them (5% pleasure versus 95% humiliation).
 
NatalieJ said:
I guess that is how it is, yes.
In the beginnimg I was purely focused on coming to the sex part with him, but then I started to feel uncomfortable with that, since I didn't feel noticed by him.
It was only the moments when he actually had sex with me that were thrilling, and then the rest of the time made me feel very humiliated.
And the constant sound of other girls getting orgasms from him, all the time, added to my rather jealous and uncomfortable feelings.
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Well, let me quote this random post of yours as a start.

In your shoes i would try to know how would i feel:

1) You keep having these orgies with the lineup AND you two have relationshio/dates where you have his full attention and what else youbwant.

2) You keep having sex with him one on one, but no dates nor anything new compared to now (the orgies stop).

The point is to determine (since you seem to be unsure yourself) whether you desire more attention for yourself and the feeling at orgies is there because it reminds you that it is something you lack, or you desire exclusivity and that feelingbis because it's vivid reminder of nonexclusivity.

Though while attention is in general end of the thinking (well, obviously, attention/time of someone you like is a prize in itself, as youbsaid yourself, having sex at these orgies feels good, so it is a prize in itself. It might be that you simply want more of this - and also more other things, dunno what exactly. Or perhaps you want his feelings (here comes exclusivity). But why? Why do his feelings matter? It seems absurd question, bur it's nice one to ask yourself.

Maybe him liking you is important because since he is so attractive you will feel better about yourself? Or maybe you would feel more secure (you voice some concern about being unimportant, replaceable) in the sense of your future regarding him. Or maybe you want something more and you think subconsciously his feelings mean he would share that want?

On a side notes, i would like to add ):

A) quite normal for feelings to change even if in the beginning it was simply good sex.

B) you basically haven't revealed much about him so there is nothing to say about him (although i object to calling you sex toy etc in this thread - that is suggesting you implicitly the situation you are in is wrong whereas you seem to be unsure. Imo, in such situations it's easy to wrongly suggest someone they should feel somehow). My point is, we can't tell you how he feels about you or how he reacts.

C) in fact you haven't told us how you feel much, or what would you like. That's okay, but my advice would be what i wrote in the beginning (try to determine what causes your feelings and why) and try to experiment a bit (asking him out is experimenting, as is any change to the situation), and see how it affects you.
 
None of this is polyamory to me. Polyamory is like having more than one BF/GF.

This is you having a crush. And going along with other HS teens doing group sex at what sounds like unsupervised parties. Dude's cute, and used to having his way with whatever teen that wants to experiment with sex in this way with him. You may very well be "just a face in the crowd."

I hope you are all using condoms and safer sex practices. Last thing needed here is a bunch of you ending up with oopsie babies from this one dude, or STI's from this one dude. Youth are at risk for both because they are still learning how to protect themselves.

I gave this to my kids at that age. There's a second edition now.

https://www.amazon.com/X-second-All-You-Need-Know-Sexuality/dp/0738218847

Several things in your posts concern me. Several times I read words like uncomfortable, humiliated, jealous, peer pressure, etc. You don't actually sound happy here.

I think sharing sex could be consenting and joyful. Consent cartoons are here.

I could be wrong, but it is like you think you HAVE to put out this way in order to gain his attention.

Rather than just ask him out on a proper date from the start and not share any sex at all yet. And if you two started dating... would you be ok with him still doing these sex parties with other people on the side? Or not so much? Where is it? Dude's house?

Some people like group sex. Some do not. But if you are ONLY doing group sex to gain access to Dude and get some of his attention... why?

The first times you share sex -- it can be like "Wheee! OMG! I'm really doing sex! So addicting!" But that's the the NRE for sex.
Don't confuse that for having feelings for the DUDE.

Here is the healthy relationship wheel.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/fpntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_2019-03-01.pdf

I'm not opposed to group sex for consenting adults. But teens? Some of you all might be under the age of consent. Peer pressure can lead to weird things. If you don't have money from part time jobs, y'all might not have access to sex things you need -- lubricant, condoms, etc. If a problem happens, do you have access to health care?

I really rather teens get a handle on some basic healthy dating skills and some basic healthy safer sex skills 1:1 first.

Before leaping into other more complicated relationship shapes like polyamory and more complicated ways to share sex like group sex parties and so on. Y'all can hurt yourselves and each other just jumping in blind doing willy nilly.

Do you have people in real life you can talk to? Do you know scarleteen exists?

https://www.scarleteen.com/

What teen resources exist beyond planned parenthood?

I'm concerned because of your crush on Dude, your youth, and your naivete... you could be ripe for the picking for some hinky stuff. People taking advantage of you.

Tread with caution.
 
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GalaGirl said:
I hope you are all using condoms and safer sex practices. Last thing needed here is a bunch of you ending up with oopsie babies from this one dude, or STI's from this one dude. Youth are at risk for both because they are still learning how to protect themselves.
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Ya, I'm sure that Mr. Handsome Highschool Hard Dick puts on a brand-new condom for each girl as he moves down the line giving them orgasms one by one.

That's assuming this story is true, of course. :rolleyes:
 
I have distanced myself from those parties, and I have also got confirmed that I haven't got any STDs or anything like that.

I also feel that this is really only about the physical attraction part, and that part isn't really that appealing anymore, so I believe that I will be able to stay away from it.
 
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