Polygyny vs Swingers, not seeing eye to eye

Hi! I’m new to the forum, I’m looking for an advice.
My ex-husband and I, have know and “stayed” together for 14 years now. The reason I divorced him was because of his lying and cheating. He was living a second life and expecting me to stay home waiting for him.
Fast forward, years after we got divorced he confessed that he has never been faithful to me and that he doesn’t know how to stay with one woman. Obviously, I kind of knew that at that point. After years of trying, cheating, lying I proposed an open relationship. I do not have a problem with an open relationship; where we both have the option to see other people. Well, he’s always turned down the idea because he doesn’t want me to be with somebody else. We’ve been in a long distance relationship foe 3 years now, and he obviously had relationships and sex with other people, but God forbid if I have sex with a man. I am bisexual and he is ok with that, no surprise there. He recently moved to another state with a “friend” and he is telling me that she’s not going anywhere. Now he is proposing polygyny, where I prefer swingers. He wants me to be his wife again and have kids only with me. I’m a very jealous person when it comes about him but I’m not ready to walk away from him. He is refusing the swingers idea because he doesn’t want me to be with another man. How can I bring him on board? I feel like it shouldn’t be only about his needs and he should be considering mine too. I need help, guidance on how to make this happen. I just think that swingers will be a better option for us.

Thanks in advance for reading me!
 

vinsanity0

Active member
The obvious answer is you probably can't bring him on board. He is very entrenched in his sexist ways. What do you think the chances are he will suddenly become thoughtful and introspective? Why are you still with him. This new thing is just another layer of incompatibility.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi! I’m new to the forum, I’m looking for advice.

Welcome, Brenda.
My ex-husband and I have known and “stayed” together for 14 years now. The reason I divorced him was because of his lying and cheating. He was living a second life and expecting me to stay home waiting for him.

Fast forward, years after we got divorced, he confessed that he has never been faithful to me and that he doesn’t know how to stay with one woman. Obviously, I kind of knew that at that point.

After years of trying, cheating, and lying I proposed an open relationship.

So even after the divorce, you had more years of lying and cheating? He is treating you the way you allow him to treat you. You are not obliged to be with this man. You deserve better.

I do not have a problem with an open relationship, where we both have the option to see other people. But he’s always turned down the idea because he doesn’t want me to be with somebody else (another man).

Well, that's a crappy deal. We call that a One Penis Policy, and it's sexist.

We’ve been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now, and he obviously had relationships and sex with other people, but God forbid if I have sex with a man.

God forbid, or ex husband, now boyfriend forbid? How does he get to be in charge of who you spend time with, even when he is a long distance away? Why do you let him order you around? I'd rather be single than try to have a relationship with someone like that.

I am bisexual, and he is OK with that, no surprise there.

He recently moved to another state with a “friend” and he is telling me that she’s not going anywhere. Now he is proposing polygyny, where I prefer being swingers.

Well, this isn't a swinger board. So I can't offer you any advice but to say, if you want to swing, go swing. You can go swing as a single woman and be very popular. Have some fun! Meet some nice people and forget about this bully.

He wants me to be his wife again and have kids only with me. I’m a very jealous person when it comes to him but I’m not ready to walk away from him.

What holds you to this crappy deal? Jealousy isn't a true feeling. Maybe you just fear loss. You are afraid to give him up and find something better. This pain feels familiar and so you just put up with the devil you know. As life passes you by...

He is refusing the swingers idea because he doesn’t want me to be with another man. How can I bring him on board? I feel like it shouldn’t be only about his needs and he should be considering mine too. I need help, guidance on how to make this happen. I just think that swingers will be a better option for us.

You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Sure, he'd like a hot new gf, and you in the house having his kids and doing his wash, and just being his footstool.

Of course you deserve to have your needs met. They will never be with this guy.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
How can I bring him on board? I feel like it shouldn’t be only about his needs and he should be considering mine too. I need help, guidance on how to make this happen. I just think that swingers will be a better option for us.

I guess I'm wondering if after a divorce, cheating, etc... WHY do you want to bring him on board?

It's not like poly or swinging are magic or something. It's possible to cheat on one's poly or swinging agreements too.

If you prefer swinging, maybe it's ok to let the thing with your ex-husband go. Move on to do the relationship model you want to do with people who want it also.

It doesn't sound like he wants it, and even if he did agree to open relationship? It sounds like open for just him and not you. So... I don't know what you would get out of remaining in a relationship with him like that since you don't like that. :(

Alternately... if you are not ready to walk away from him? I guess you could say "No, thank you" calmly to his polygyny ideas. Then calmly start practicing open relationship yourself.

If he wants to continue to be with you, that's the deal. Stop being so "nice" about it. Just get on with your own life on your side of things. And let him deal with himself. If he cannot deal with it, fine. He can choose to bow out. That's his choice.

I could be wrong, but the need seems to be about you not shrinking yourself to fit his box any more... so don't shrink yourself. It's ok for you to take up the space you do in the world. It is fair for each of you to be in charge of your own self.

What's he gonna complain about? He just moved to another state to live with his new lover. He's gonna fuss at you that YOU take a new lover? Let him fuss.

You are the one in charge of your own self and your own body. And you are divorced to boot. So how much say he gets in your present life? Also up to YOU.

Galagirl
 
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The obvious answer is you probably can't bring him on board. He is very entrenched in his sexist ways. What do you think the chances are he will suddenly become thoughtful and introspective? Why are you still with him. This new thing is just another layer of incompatibility.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Unfortunately I love him. I’ve tried to move, I’ve dated other people and the chemistry, connection, high sex drive is not there with other people. I have a really high sex drive and people that I’ve been with are not there. I’m not really sure how to explain it, so I’m doing my best. He does make smile and just the thought of him make my feel butterflies in my stomach (I know, so corny!) but he does 🤷🏻*♀️
I’ve tried to stop loving him and is just not working, the more I try the more I think about him, so I’m at a point where I don’t want to keep fighting my feelings and make it work for the both of us.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks for taking the time to reply, Unfortunately I love him. I’ve tried to move, I’ve dated other people and the chemistry, connection, high sex drive is not there with other people. I have a really high sex drive and people that I’ve been with are not there. I’m not really sure how to explain it, so I’m doing my best. He does make smile and just the thought of him make my feel butterflies in my stomach (I know, so corny!) but he does ����*♀️
I’ve tried to stop loving him and is just not working, the more I try the more I think about him, so I’m at a point where I don’t want to keep fighting my feelings and make it work for the both of us.

I'm not sure why I think this, but I'm pretty sure swingers have high sex drives. Have you been to a swing club or party, or tried a swinger website and met up with some people? I think the whole point of swinging is intense group sex.

How can there only be one man with a high sex drive in your entire, say, 100 mile radius? Why are you so attracted to a man that treats you with no respect?
 

breathemusic

Active member
Thanks for taking the time to reply, Unfortunately I love him. I’ve tried to move, I’ve dated other people and the chemistry, connection, high sex drive is not there with other people. I have a really high sex drive and people that I’ve been with are not there. I’m not really sure how to explain it, so I’m doing my best. He does make smile and just the thought of him make my feel butterflies in my stomach (I know, so corny!) but he does 🤷🏻*♀️
I’ve tried to stop loving him and is just not working, the more I try the more I think about him, so I’m at a point where I don’t want to keep fighting my feelings and make it work for the both of us.

So love him, but tell him that if he wants to be with you then he's going to need to figure out how to get over his double standards and if he can sleep with other women, then you can sleep with other men. If he can have feelings for others, then you can have feelings for others. So tell him what you plan on doing (see other people, including men) and he can either accept that or he can walk. His choice.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello BrendaTheExplorer,

You must explain to your ex-husband that the polygyny he wants is a double standard. It allows him to be with another woman, while you are not allowed to be with another man. Tell him this. Then say, "You want to be fair, don't you?" This will hopefully bring him on board, as he can hardly say, "No, I don't want to be fair." Then he will understand that swinging is the better option. Anyway, that's my 2¢. I hope it helps. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

AmaliaB

New member
Try to talk to him one more time, explain everything.If he cares and loves you, he will understand that you also want to be happy.
Either way, you just have to move on and do what you want.Okay, 14 years is a lot but who knows, maybe you will have better time without him, just give it a try.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I’ve tried to stop loving him and is just not working, the more I try the more I think about him, so I’m at a point where I don’t want to keep fighting my feelings and make it work for the both of us.

That's where I'm confused. What stopped working?

You guys seemed to be doing fine being divorced and LDR and each of you seeing whoever.

You can keep on loving him if you want. And just answer politely.

  • Hey, I have a new partner. (That's nice.)
  • Hey, want to get married again? (No, thank you.)
  • Hey, want to have my children? (No, thank you.)
  • Hey, want to stop seeing other people? (No, thanks. I like women, men, and I like swinging.)

I think if you are going to accept him "as is" even with the lying and cheating?

Turn about it fair play. He can accept you "as is" and you do what you want on your side.

So he has a cow if you start dating a new dude. So? What would happen that you are worried about?

You guys have been together for FOURTEEN YEARS despite all the other wonky and a divorce.

Galagirl
 
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