Polytriad and parenting

DanCliffAsh

New member
Hi all we are in a polytriad relationship and are wondering about parenting in out situation.
Me and my husband starting fostering Children for about 12 years.
We met someone who joined our relationship just over 2 years ago and are living together ❤.
Some members of out family know and also our Children know so do our friends and are all accepting of it.
The only people that don't know is work colleagues (the fostering agencies we work for). I'm worried that if they was to find out that we would loose the opportunity to foster and help other children.
Are there any laws that would protect us in this situation?
We are based in London UK...
 
Hi all. We are in a poly-triad relationship and are wondering about parenting in our situation. My husband and I starting fostering children about 12 years ago. We met someone who joined our relationship just over 2 years ago. We are living together. Some members of our family know, our children know, so do our friends. All are accepting of it. The only people that don't know are our work colleagues (the fostering agencies we work for). I'm worried that if they were to find out, that we would lose the opportunity to foster and help children. Are there any laws that would protect us in this situation? We are based in London, UK.
Surely you were assessed for your ability and skills to foster children years ago. And you've been doing it for 12 years. I did a quick Google on eligibility for fostering in the UK. The page I found said they would ask you about your current and prior relationships. (They want to make sure you are stable and not living with a lot of drama and abuse, etc., I guess.) I assume that assessment happened at the time you first applied to foster. Were there any questions about having roommates, about living with your spouse but also having a friend move in and pay rent or whatever? You have deniability here. "Yes, our friend X lives with us." No one needs to know how you and husband and she relate to each other intimately.
 
Thank you for getting back to me so quickly 😊.
Yea we was assessed 12 years ago for skills to Foster.

Yea 12 years ago they asked us about our previous relationship and was all OK with that 👍.
Recently just over 2 years ago our relationship happened with our 3rd, which they don't know about. All they know is that he is a nominated carer.
Not that he is living with us other wise questions would happen like where does he sleep lol...
Hes great and cares for all our children ❤as we care about he's ❤ ...
We actually make a great team all together ❤...

My eldest (26 now) asked a question to hes social worker/PA pretending that he would love to Foster but is also poly interested and the social worker was actually disgusted and replied with some horrible things that made him and me snap back at her. She said that fostering don't approve of multi parenting as this would confuse the children.
As I said before our children are aware of our situation and none of them are confused by it. Matter of fact there is so much more support in our family. They go to him as well as us if they need help with homework or worries. We are a great family.
Just wish professionals would acknowledge the benefits of a stable poly triad relationship.
I think its still taboo and I hate the fact that we have to hide certain aspects of our life.
Just wish fostering agencies would be more open about certain relationships and the benefits it gives us and the children we care for ❤...
our kids are great, we love them so much! and they understand how small minded some workers are as they have had this discussion with them and we all found it highly insulting with the replies we got.
I wish I could find out more about the laws behind fostering children while being in a poly triad relationship.
 
There probably aren't any laws yet because polyamory is new enough that legislation hasn't addressed it yet. Most western countries have laws designed around two person monogamy for pretty much every purpose conceivable.

This was comparatively recently tested in NZ and resulted in an update to the division of property law in the case of the ending of a relationship (https://www.raineycollins.co.nz/your-resources/articles/article-7-12-21) but as for anything to do with children, tax, benefits, etc. there is still only laws for two adults in a relationship. Due to the growth of polyamory, this is likely to be chipped away at by legislation as the need arises. Likewise in the UK. Hopefully in favour of polycules rather than against.
 
Hopefully legislation will change in the UK.
The awareness of positive triad relationships and caring for children needs to change.
There are so many benefits to parenting children as a triad.

It's sad that we are having to hide ourself like we are doing something wrong.

I'd love to help change the legislation and laws for all of us as parents ❤...
 
Be careful what you wish for. You may just end up the test case in the court of appeal.
 
Hello DanCliffAsh,

It is sad (and frustrating) that polyamory is so poorly received by society at large. I think the three of you would and do make for excellent foster parents. Unfortunately, you can't share this fact with the social workers.

I expect polyamory to one day enjoy general acceptance by fostering agencies and other organizations -- but not any time soon. Probably not while I am still alive -- I hope I'm wrong about that.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin I hope your well?
I think your right.
A lot of organisations just don't get it and prob won't in our lifetime. Soooo frustrating!
I guess the important people in our life know our situation.

I have had to have a massive clear out of friends on social media sites Fb and insta as that is a place where I post up pics and memories of ourselves and didn't want any work colleagues guessing whats happening in our life.

Society isn't ready to accept poly groups, so sad...
its nice that I've had social media (insta) to find other poly groups that understand our situations.
And also polyamory.com, I only joined this morning and the response I've had has been amazing! and I so appreciate talking to people who understand and who are in the same situation as us, from this site and Insta. ❤
 
I used to be acquainted with a triad here that are all reliant somehow on government financial support (two are pretty chronically disabled) but they have been living and parenting together. Originally they didn't think the newer member of the triad would be able to have a baby with the guy, but they did. I'm not sure how they navigate the financial support, but they do, the kids must be at least 8 and 2 by now. Same father, different mothers. Really, just by living their lives they way they want, they are moving things forward. Eventually legislation will have to keep up, like it did with the relationship property law did. I hope no bolshy case worker interferes with you and your kids, you're doing great things.
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

In this day and age, people are not accepting enough of polyamory for you to out yourselves as poly to the world. You have to stay in the closet, at least to some extent. I am in the closet too: Maybe two or three people (besides this forum) know about my polyness, while the rest of the world is left guessing. There would be many likely consequences for outing ourselves (the three of us in my V) to the world, including loss of jobs, and disownership by friends and family.

You do the best you can for the time you are living in.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Things change slowly. As we all know, there has been progress in the legal protection for gay people. (There is still much resistance to allowing trans people their rights, though!) I have a good friend, a transgender male, who somehow has negotiated with the courts to foster and adopt children, as a single dad. It helps that he is a registered nurse and takes in disabled and/or transgendered teen children, very underserved communities.

I was thrilled to be at his appearance at court to adopt his son. The judge could not sing his praises highly enough.

He happens to be poly, but isn't dating right now, since working and parenting are taking up all of his time and emotional bandwidth.
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

In this day and age, people are not accepting enough of polyamory for you to out yourselves as poly to the world. You have to stay in the closet, at least to some extent. I am in the closet too: Maybe two or three people (besides this forum) know about my polyness, while the rest of the world is left guessing. There would be many likely consequences for outing ourselves (the three of us in my V) to the world, including loss of jobs, and disownership by friends and family.

You do the best you can for the time you are living in.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
We are sort of out to all out friends and immediate family...
The people that don't know are mainly the fostering agencies and other members of family that live over seas.
There is always going to be consequences to being out out as a triad relationship.
Some of my immediate family didn't understand it at 1st but they see the positivity that we have.
And they now know that we are serious about this and isn't for sex purposes...

We have only had to educate and persevere with a few people that we have told.
Luckily we haven't had to tell anyone to drop anyone out of our life...

But unfortunately and obviously the fostering agencies will never know as I already know we won't see eye to eye...
 
Things change slowly. As we all know, there has been progress in the legal protection for gay people. (There is still much resistance to allowing trans people their rights, though!) I have a good friend, a transgender male, who somehow has negotiated with the courts to foster and adopt children, as a single dad. It helps that he is a registered nurse and takes in disabled and/or transgendered teen children, very underserved communities.

I was thrilled to be at his appearance at court to adopt his son. The judge could not sing his praises highly enough.

He happens to be poly, but isn't dating right now, since working and parenting are taking up all of his time and emotional bandwidth.
Defo things will change slowly but I don't think in our lifetime fostering agencies or adoption agencies will approve of poly-triad relationship.
I already know many Trans people who are currently foster parents here in the UK (great news).
I'm happy to hear about your trend being approved to adopt, that's lovely...
But poly laws and adoption/fostering are unfortunately still very taboo...
Hopefully things will change. Just wish it was sooner rather then later 👍
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

It is sad and unfortunate that you can't disclose your poly-triad status to the adoption/fostering agencies. Poly should actually be a point in your favor; instead, they make it out to be some kind of immoral and irresponsible thing. I have to say, you're lucky you could be out to family and friends; it's not the same as being out to the whole world, but it's a step in the right direction.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

It is sad and unfortunate that you can't disclose your poly-triad status to the adoption/fostering agencies. Poly should actually be a point in your favor; instead, they make it out to be some kind of immoral and irresponsible thing. I have to say, you're lucky you could be out to family and friends; it's not the same as being out to the whole world, but it's a step in the right direction.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Being out to family was tough enough for them to come to terms with it.
I said to my other 2 guys that for me it was important that our immediate family knew (that was a battle within its self).
I explained to our family that we agree that a poly-triad relationship isn't for everyone but for us it works for us...
My mum was bought up in a very strict Catholic household so convincing her was a mission 🤣.

In regards to the fostering and adoption agencies there must be social workers that are also polyamorous,
id love to meet a few and have this discussion with them and see their views...

BTW where about are you in the world?
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

I see your point about it being tough to come out to your family. I'm (we're) not brave enough to come out to my (our) family (families). I've talked to my partner about outing ourselves, but she is having none it.

There must be polyamorous social workers somewhere.
I'm in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

I see your point about it being tough to come out to your family. I'm (we're) not brave enough to come out to my (our) family (families). I've talked to my partner about outing ourselves, but she is having none it.

There must be polyamorous social workers somewhere.
I'm in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Regards,
Kevin T.
We know the difficulties in coming out, everyone's circumstances are so different...
Its not something you can or should force 👍...

My mission is to find a poly social worker lol...

UK, London here 👍😊
 
Hi DanCliffAsh,

You're right, coming out has to come naturally. Snowbunny (my partner) and Brother-Husband (Snowbunny's other partner) are frankly terrified about losing their families and jobs. I would come out to my family, but then it could spread to the other families (and coworkers) via Facebook. We just can't take the risk.

I've thought of a cool idea: What if the fostering agencies had an online service where you could search for the kind of social worker you wanted. Like you could open a search window, select "social worker," and then click on a dropdown list showing "monogamous" and "polyamorous," and you could select polyamorous, then click on "search." And it would then show you the polyamorous social workers that they have. It would take some convincing to get them to do that, but think of how cool it would be!

Nice to have a London native here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I understand the worries of coming out. Its a lot more difficult for people to swallow then just coming out as gay.
And now look at how many gays in the world lol, hopefully coming out as Poly will be just as easy in the future.

I have deleted all co workers from social media sites as I see and talk enough to them while working lol.
Actually went a little brutal with Facebook and Insta recently on deleting people lol...
Even thou I don't advertise my relationship as Triad. But still post the occasional pics of us 3.

That would be a great idea with searching for social workers who are poly. At least they ain't gonna judge like most people would.
I'm thinking of phoning the agencies and anonymously asking the rights poly-triad relationships have within the fostering sectors (just out of interest).

Dan
 
Hi Dan,

I'm sure that coming out will be easier for polys in the future -- I just don't know how far in the future. Sometimes you have to block/delete people on social media, it depends on whom your polyness will spread to. It would be interesting to find out what rights you have in the fostering sectors as a poly-triad; I would be interested to hear what comes of it if you call them and ask.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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