Poor outlook

T

teadaze

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm having trouble letting go of jealous feelings. My partner and I are poly primaries. Our relationship hasn't had much time to really have a solid foundation though. We don't have answers for our relationship, yet he wants to open another one with a woman I'm uncomfortable with.

I asked him and her both to wait for any romance until I'm ready too. But in the meantime, I'm stuck with these negative feelings that I haven't found a way to surpass. She wants to be close to him romantically. Now, I can't tell if it's this alone that bothers me, or if it's this with her specifically.

With his other gfs and dates (not that it happens often), I've connected with them quite well, and thus have had no concerns or bad feelings from him seeing them. It generally brings me joy and excitement. But this is our first case with an unattached woman. She's never tried polyamory, and has her own stuff going on. And while she is friendly and sweet, I get a negative feeling about this.

I've been trying to determine if I'm just succumbing to jealousy, or if I'm just following a gut feeling and should sort of veto her if it doesn't change.
If I did veto her, would that even be fair of me to do, based on nothing but a bad feeling? Is there another perspective to this I may just be missing?
 
Personally, I find the veto concept to be extremely controlling and indicative of insecurities.

How would you feel if you started to have feelings for someone, and your partner told you, "Nope, you can't see them, just because I don't like them"?

If it's just a bad feeling, that doesn't seem like enough of a reason to make him get rid of her. I'm sensing, based on what you've said, that it's because this is the first woman to attach herself to him without connecting with you, as well.

What is it you're making them wait for?
 
Well, that's sort of my issue. I do think it's unfair of me. But at the same time, it isn't fair to them if I don't know if I can handle it and they do become more invested. I want to be in a spot where I am more secure in our relationship, before branching out into new ones, when we don't even have answers for our own.

But while we have both had experiences of having more than one love at once, this is our first relationship where we are poly going in. He's not used to having the freedom to see people he wants, and here I am freaking out.

I want to practice acceptance, and engage this matter with an open heart, but I am not experiencing any sort of compersion here, and I simply feel awful about the way I'm handling this.

One of the biggest things in our relationship is communication. We've spoken a bit about this. But I wanted to reach out for other perspectives on handling these kinds of emotions.
 
I have had experiences in prior relationships where I felt something for others and my partner didn't like it. I respected that, because I wanted my partner to be as happy for me as I was with the person, not someone they had to force themselves to be ok with. But I don't think that would be a fair expectation, so I haven't really pushed for that. Am I treating my partner poorly by needing time?
 
My spouse and I don't really give each other veto power. There is one ex-boyfriend of mine that we refer to as "blacklisted," because J doesn't like the history there, and that's fine. But aside from that, you date who you want to date.

Now, as far as being uncomfortable with the person, I've had issues with Nudge's wife. We have a hard time connecting, and I have a hard time being happy for them all the time. But this is my problem, not Nudge's. Granted, she is his spouse, so it's different, but I think it's the same feelings you're talking about. I realize the problem is between Nudge's wife and me. He should not have to give up either of us, because that would be unfair to him. He loves us both, and she and I have to deal with any differences.

We don't disrespect each other, or do anything hostile. That would be different case altogether.
 
Well, my partner and I aren't married. We're still figuring out the foundations of our relationship. So I don't really have that added sense of security. But I don't believe I should should base my security on something like that.

The more I think about this, the more I'm thinking the reason I have an issue with her is because I'm not ready for this. But my insecurity should make me all the more want to expose myself to these cases. I suppose I can't really become more secure by running away from the issue.

Thank you both for the replies.
 
I don't abide by telling my partners yea or nay to whom they date. However, I absolutely do abide by my right to not be around people who make me uncomfortable. So in the scenario you describe, I would say point blank that I don't want anything to with her. They can do/be whatever it is they want, but they need to keep it away from me.
 
Our relationship hasn't had much time to build have a solid foundation. We don't have answers for our relationship, yet he wants to open another one with a woman I'm uncomfortable with.
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I want to be in a spot where I am more secure in our relationship before branching out into new ones, when we don't even have answers for our own.
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We're still figuring out the foundations of our relationship, so I don't have that added sense of security.
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I notice that you have brought a variation of that theme up several times.

You could simply ask:

"If you move on to date this woman concurrently, what time/behaviors will you be applying toward me/our relationship to help stabilize it during transition/NRE, so I can feel emotionally safe during the time of change? It isn't like we've done this before, or have clocked mega-history together to help offset yucky feelings. What kind of support/nurturing can I expect from you?"​

Then see if his answer helps give you the reassurance/confidence you need to be willing to risk it. If his answer seems "meh," and you still don't feel reassured or good about it, make him aware of how you feel. Ask if he's willing to meet your needs. Do not withhold information from your partner.

You don't seem to be saying no. You seem to be saying go slow.

You could tell him you aren't going to stop him seeing her, but you want to step back.

If that means not being around them when it is their time together, leaving the relationship entirely, or something in between, to give you more time to adjust, while giving them reassurance you are not foot-dragging, it's up to you all to determine the how of it.

But it begins with your willingness to participate in this poly network, with him as a hinge, or your unwillingness to participate in it.

You can choose that yourself.

Galagirl
 
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I see three separate issues.

1) In my own experience, my gut is always right. The times I've tried to rationalize my way out of it and overridden my gut, it turns out I should have told my brain to STFU and followed my gut. I don't know your gut, but my guess is it's trying to tell you something.

2) But that doesn't mean a veto is the best response. If your partner loves and trusts you, then you should be able to speak with him about your gut feeling, and he shouldn't blow it off as jealousy. Maybe it's something about the way he's handling the situation. Maybe it's something about communication. In other words, it's not necessarily a feeling of, "She's bad news, send her away." It could be a sense of, "Something is wrong here; we need to fix it."

3) And since you already know something is wrong, i.e., you want to work on your partnership before adding people in the mix, and your partner is pushing to move things along faster than you're comfortable with, that's a good place to start.

So, in other words, I wouldn't ignore my gut, but I wouldn't assume it's all her wrongness either. You need to move forward from a place where you feel comfortable, and if he wants this all to work, he's got to respect that. If they're serious about each other, they'll both still be there after you and he work things out. If she can't wait for that, then she's not really serious about him. If he can't wait for that, then he's not really serious about you.
 
If your relationship is not on solid ground, how are you his primary? That would make you just one of the women he is dating!
 
Hrm... She is an ex from his high-school days. I could have some foolish bias against prior relationships. But whatever the issue, I agree I need to reevaluate my stance, and continue our communication on this topic.

I am nervous about doing this. We have talked briefly about what he would do if I asked him not to date her at all. He said he might date her anyway.

One of the things we said in our relationship is no rules, no stipulations-- only be considerate and exercise communication and protection.

He wants the freedom to invest in any type of relationship he wants. So if I back off and say, "Don't do it near me," I'm putting myself in a spot where I can't share in their happiness, and must strain myself regularly to be okay with it. If I say no, whether or not he listens, I am being inconsiderate and selfish.

In a book I am reading, it fortifies the importance of regarding new relationships with a positive outlook. Remember that my partner loves me enough to want to share his experiences with me. That this is usually met with hesitancy and doubt, and that succumbing to jealous feelings is falling back on bad habits learned from unspoken rules of monogamy. It sets me up for expectations, and I resent the unfavorable results.

I am truly trying to better myself in this situation, without bringing them into every paranoid thought I'm going through. They don't even know I posted here. Heh. Some things I think are better left up to me. Well... and to all of you with whom I am sharing this, I suppose. I thank you for discussing this sensitive matter with me. It kinda feeling likes there's so much pressure that I must be alright with her, or I am going to suffer, because he will anyway, and he will suffer because I won't enjoy it, all because I am paranoid about things I shouldn't be.

I am failing to take personal responsibility by the way I am handling this matter. And I want to change this outlook. I will readdress this matter with him after I've thought about your posts a bit and see how I want to approach this.

Thank you for being supportive, everyone. I'm sorry if I loaded any of you with drama.
 
My stance on this is: To thine own self be true. Nobody will look out for you better than you.

He has basically told you "I do not care about your needs." It is all about his wants, and you can go sit and spin if you do not like it. What kind of boyfriend is that?
 
Is this a "primary" relationship because you've agreed that you will share primary-style entanglements, like a home, kids and finances?

Anyway, I always believe that one has to trust their partner. That means trusting they won't let anyone else harm your relationship. Setting rules about how, when and with whom they spend time doesn't allow them to prove that they can handle their relationships and responsibilities ethically. Often they'll fail when pressured to do things someone else's way. If they're unable to handle things, as much as it sucks, it probably means you'd be better off apart. They might want to learn to do things differently to keep you, or they might decide their "lifestyle" choices make them happier than your relationship does.
 
We became primaries because we wanted it that way. We want to commit to one another. We've discussed marriage at some point in the future, but he is still unsure about that, and neither of us are in an ideal financial spot to make it happen anyway.

We connect so well. We work together wonderfully. We are essentially best friends. When our NRE wore out a bit, our interest in one another didn't fade. We went to a whole new level of love.

Despite this, I find it hard to just trust him. We aren't engaged; we aren't married. We are looking into domestic partnership, though. We live together and are combining our finances. Neither of us wants kids.

But she can offer him things I can't. To that perspective, perhaps the fear of loss is taking me away from my general place of love and integrity. So maybe it is jealousy that is causing my negative feelings.

Ugh.

Well, I agree setting rules is not the best way to go. Combatting this mentality though, have there been ways of thinking that helped any of you work through jealousy or bad feelings?
 
We have talked briefly about what he would do if I asked him not to date her at all. He said he might date her anyway.
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This bothers me.

How is he adding to your sense of security by telling you he's going to ignore you and your discomfort and go on to get his jollies anyway? That seems quite dismissive and inconsiderate. No wonder you don't feel stable. He doesn't help create an emotionally-safe space for you. :(

How long have you all been together, anyway?

Say he plunges on, and you do like her. Nothing horrible happens. You might end up liking your meta fine. Except, he plunged on without taking your concerns seriously. You end up feeling like he's not trustworthy. This makes him a great poly partner how? The ends wouldn't justify the means.

One of the things we said in our relationship was: no rules, no stipulations. Only be considerate and exercise communication and protection.
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How is him being willing to ignore your discomfort him being considerate, communicative and protective of you, or of the trust you share between you? :confused:

He wants the freedom to invest in any type of relationship he wants.
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In any ol' way? Or while maintaining your trust, goodwill and blessing?

If him starting a relationship with her means his relationship with you is still solid and stable, that is one thing.

If him starting a relationship with her means his relationship with you is in the toilet, that's another.

Is this "kid in a candy store" behavior or something? :confused:

  • Ask what he plans to to to continue to nurture/cultivate his relationship with you while dates this other person.
  • Ask if he is willing to meet your needs at this time to help make the transition easier on you.

If he's not giving you a yummy-sounding offer/promise? If he is not willing/able to meet your needs? You could not agree to participate in a polyship with him in this way. Disappointing? Maybe. But straight up. And you can move on from there. That's better than an endless runaround!

I am sorry you are dealing in this. :(

Galagirl
 
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There are many aspects to this kind of situation.

How long have you and bf been together? You don't know him well enough to trust him? You're afraid this girl (an ex of his) will bring drama? Has he told you negative things about her from the past?

It seems to me that he feels he has unfinished business with her. You could just love him and stand by and let him work it out. There's a chance it won't last long between him and her.

When I was first with my present gf, we were poly from the start. I was just out of a 30-year mono marriage though, and still felt I needed to explore many people. I know she didn't think all of the guys I dated were really stellar, but they brought experiences to my life I needed to have. As long as I was physically safe, Pixi stood by me and learned more about me from what I was needing to learn about my heart, my sex and kink interests, my freedom from monogamy, etc., with these men.

For my part, I spent loads of time with her (while continuing to see others), dating, romancing, sexing, cuddling, cooking, just enjoying the hell out of each other. Heck, I still had NRE for her while seeing the other people, so it wasn't a chore to be with her!

Since you say you and your bf do not have rules, a veto is out of the question. But you still need reassurance you and he are okay while he dates this ex of his and goes where his heart is taking him.

So... yeah. What GalaGirl said. Ask for what you need to feel emotionally safe, other than "dump that bitch."
 
He and I (heh, his nickname is Pixy, actually) have been together 5 months. We have connected on so many levels. He was in the process of coming out of a 14-year marriage. Divorce papers were signed before we even met.

His ex-wife and I have met. We are fine with each other.

He admitted he had some issues being honest with her during their relationship. She was very controlling and manipulative. It turned into them deciding they wanted different things. So they split.

We met. We had sparks. We wanted to take things slow, but ended up kinda rushing into things.

Certain situations occurred that caused our NRE to wear off a couple months in. Not that there isn't passion there or anything, we just moved into a deeper love and affection, a more meaningful connection.

He said, going forward with me, he wants to be completely honest and open, and not feel like he can't be himself.

I suppose it is him being inconsiderate saying he would date her anyway. But how am I being considerate telling him he shouldn't?

They are both respecting my concerns by waiting. They still talk and flirt a little. And we are still going to hang out with her. But they agreed not to get romantic.

He says he wants to take things slow with her. BUT, he said that to me too, and we become very close in very a short time.

Let's say they wait, we hang out with her, maybe a month goes by, and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what?
Ask them to keep waiting? It's horrible of me. I can't do that to my partner.
Risk it and get reassured if/when he comes back to me?
If I love him, let him go, type of thing?
If I have this bad feeling with only her?
If other women come into play with the same levels of affection and I'm content with them?

I want to overcome this bad feeling. I want him to be free and happy. But this feeling is driving me up the wall with a mix of fear and guilt. It's a very awkward place to be in.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Decide to stop struggling and act.

But let's say they wait, we hang out with her, maybe a month goes by, and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what? Ask them to keep waiting?
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You seem to keep going round in circles with a lot of "what-iffing," rather than talking about what boundaries there will be, and how you plan to move through this phase, so it becomes him as the hinge of a V-shape poly network.

He could state his want to date this person. And what he would:

a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for her to help in this transition
c) do for himself to help in this transition.
d) say what he needs back from each of you

She could state her intent and her want to date him. And what she would:
a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for him to help in this transition
c) do for herself to help in this transition.
d) say what she needs back from each of you

You could state your willingness and ability to support them in this. And what you would:

a) need from him to help you in this transition
b) need from her to help you in this transition
c) need from yourself to help you in this transition
d) do for each of them

I've colored these red for "still pending." None are green for "good to go," because there's conversation that isn't seeming to happen here, so that everyone can know what to expect, how to hold each other and themselves accountable to agreements made for the transitional time, and move through the transition in an emotionally safe way, so all can feel good with the outcome.

If all those things in red become green and are compatible -- yay! Proceed! If not? Do not proceed.

Have them list what their wants/needs are from you. Then you determine if these are behaviors you are actually willing and able to do or not.

Have them list what needs of yours they are willing to meet for you. Then you determine if these behaviors are acceptable or not to you.

That combo determines the big picture of answer of "I will still participate in this relationship while you date your high-school ex."

To do it the other way, to say, "Yeah, go ahead and date her," without knowing what actual behavior to expect from him, her, or you, means stepping into the big unknown, and only serves to keep you cranked up. Nobody likes stepping into the void.

BREATHE.

Calm down.

Have the conversation you need to have to assess what is being offered to you here. Then decide if it is a good enough offer that you will accept it and will be willing to go there. Otherwise, do not go there there. Do not participate anymore.

You seem to be worried you cannot deliver unspoken expectations of you. And you cannot. Nobody is a magical mind reader. Find out what is going to be expected of you, and determine if this is something you are willing and able to do, or not. If you are not sure, have a vote of "no confidence," that is not a joyful yes. So those count as "no." There. Decision made. Anything less than a "joyful yes" is NOT a "yes."

It really and truly is that simple to do. TALK. Decide. Do.

It might not be easy to feel, but the actions are clear. If you want to be free of this feeling, you could take positive action and move it forward. Talk to your people. Then make the decisions you need to make based on the information gathered. Then do whatever you ultimately want to do, whether it is to go ahead or bow out. That gets you moving out of the "yuck."

You can do this. Hang in there.
 
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Thank you all so much! I appreciate all the perspectives.
I will move forward and focus my efforts on stronger communication, rather than worry and doubt.
 
How is he adding to your sense of security by telling you he's going to ignore you and your discomfort and go on to get his jollies anyway? It seems dismissive and inconsiderate. No wonder you don't feel stable. He doesn't help create an emotionally-safe space for you.
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See, I don't think that being firm about the fact you will not be permitting vetoes is a bad thing at all. The OP should take a leaf out of his book when it comes to establishing boundaries.
 
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