Preventing triangulation

K

Kaycee

New member
I have been with my partner for almost 11 months. He and his primary for 5 years, His secondary for 3. They have lived together for 2.
I've recently been communicating with His secondary about some issues she has. One being social media and my presence on those platforms. When I post and M sees notifications He looks at His phone. That bothers her because she feels it intrudes on her time with M. The other is that M and I have had some problems to solve over the last month and it's required M and I communicating more, sometimes on her nights with Him.
I don't initiate conversations about things that can wait on those nights. There have been 3-4 times that I've been angry/crying/disobedient and it could have waited. I apologized for that and promised to do better from now on. If M does contact me, I don't ignore Him, mainly because of our dynamic and also because I want to fix my relationship. On a side note, I have a bedtime and text M goodnight each night at His request, and because I want to. This is something we have done since we met.
In her initial message to me she was condescending and rude. I didn't take the bait because it would only create more problems. After I responded her next message basically back tracked and she said I misunderatood. I'm assuming it's because she realized that she was, in a sense, telling me I shouldn't post on social media. She said my relationship issues have caused M to not give her what she needs. That when M is upset or angry it boils over and doesn't just let it go to focus on her.
I don't know if I'm wrong in my feeling that these aren't my fault. The notifications can be ignored by M, if He chooses to, they're a trigger of hers. She doesn't want to see or hear from/about any of His partners.
The arguments and hard talks M and I have had on her nights can't always wait. If He is upset or needs attention from me, I can't tell Him no or ignore Him.
I asked her if there was something I could do to help without stifling my relationship or my needs.
Her response was to not fight anymore and suck it up. The hurt I went through couldn't just be sucked up. It almost broke my relationship.
I'm sorry M has trouble setting aside our relationship troubles when He is with His other partners. I feel that's His job as the hinge partner to keep under control.
I bought a bunch of books on poly for M. I read them and they helped me a great deal. I wish she would read them but she won't.
If anyone has any ideas of anything I can do to help her and prevent future problems I would appreciate it.
Thanks :)
 
Just as a note, it's better to use alias names rather than initials. Somehow that makes it much easier to follow and respond.

I think you're on the right track. You can only control your behavior. You are certainly free to post on social media when ever you want and text whomever you want unless you've specifically agreed not to during certain hours.

It seems more that the problem is you have a sloppy hinge (M). These are issues she should address with him, not you. If his answering texts or looking at his phone bothers her, that's their problem, not yours. Particularly when he instigates the communication.

The best you can do is to not participate in triangulation and redirect her concerns to him.
 
You're right. It's M's (your Master's?) job to be a good hinge and balance his relationships.

If he can't handle 3 women (and it's not easy handling 3 intimate in person relationships), he needs to learn how, or stop trying and give someone up.

It's never the metamour's job to handle how the hinge meets the needs of each of them. Each metamour focuses on telling the hinge what her (or his) needs are, and then the hinge decides if he (she) is willing and able to do it.

There need be no communication at all between metamours. They should be gracious though, in the face of emergencies or special occasions.
 
Thank you for the replies. I'm not so great with forums/names/ IDs for everyone, I will fix it for clarification for future posts.
I realize that most of the issue is with the hinge. I bought the books for Him, He just hasn't read them yet. I hope He does soon.
I don't want to take every issue to Him to "fix". I don't want to create a situation where He needs to defend one partner to another or from another. I hope where my metas and I can resolve issues between us, we will.
My worry is His secondary sees me as being the problem. She said I am the key to fixing everything. I need to find a way to explain I'm not. I can't fix their communication roadblocks.
 
Kaycee said:
Thank you for the replies. I'm not so great with forums/names/ IDs for everyone, I will fix it for clarification for future posts.
I realize that most of the issue is with the hinge. I bought the books for Him, He just hasn't read them yet. I hope He does soon.
I don't want to take every issue to Him to "fix". I don't want to create a situation where He needs to defend one partner to another or from another.
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Sigh. He's the Master, since you call him Him, I assume. It's HIS job to balance his gfs or subs. He's not much of a Master if he can't. He's just a wuss. I wouldn't serve a Dom who couldn't be a good hinge. I wouldn't respect him.

There wouldn't be any "situation" to bring to him to "fix" if you stopped talking to your meta! Just don't answer her messages, and leave her alone to deal with her jealousy issues with the man who is mishandling them! It's not your problem, really. It's between them.

I hope where my metas and I can resolve issues between us, we will.
My worry is His secondary sees me as being the problem. She said I am the key to fixing everything. I need to find a way to explain I'm not. I can't fix their communication roadblocks.
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Screw his "secondary." Just don't talk to her and let her bitch at this so called Master. Again, if he can't handle "his women" he's not much of a Dom. There are plenty of dom-asses out there, full of themselves, but not really good at it. Ugh. He's in charge, supposedly, so why are you caretaking him?
 
Your hinge is the issue. He needs to manage his relationships better.
 
Hi Kaycee,

The problem I see with you trying to work directly with M's secondary to solve these problems is that it involves coming to an agreement on issues that you and she can't agree on. You need mediation. A referee, so to speak. That's where M would come in.

I do agree that it's unreasonable for her to police your activity on the social media. I don't know how to explain that to her, though.

I think that M needs to balance his relationships better. That's how I see it anyway.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I agree He's got a lot of learning to do. I'm struggling with my Service right now for a lot of reasons. I'm not sure if it's because they don't have D/s relationships or because He doesn't want to hear any bitching, the way He mismanages His secondary anyway.
I want to be good at poly. I want to be a good meta and the best slave I can be as well. I don't think I've given my relationship with Him enough attention. I worry about lot about my relationship with Him causing problems with His other relationships.
A little more background as to why I try to talk to her.
I'm friends with His primary. We get along great, went to a seminar on poly together and share a lot of beliefs and hopes. I care about her very much. She has to hear the bitching from the secondary too and she's at her wits end with it. The 3 of them live together.
A little more background is an ex of His. She was manipulative, hurtful to His primary, made a comeback for a bit and did some awful things. I tried to befriend her, she lied to me, made herself the victim and tried to break us up. She's not in the picture anymore.
Because of the ex's actions, I think that's why secondary is on edge with me. She hasn't gotten to know me as a person and feels threatened by me because I'm new.
I think if she knew how strongly I feel about keeping us all together she would be more tolerant of my existence.
Maybe she compares me to His ex, I don't know and guessing does no good.
I help Master because I know He needs it. I want to ease as much as I can and help smooth any ripples if I'm able to, to keep His home life calm.
Today in texting with Secondary I could tell she knew she was being irrational. I also was totally off social media and responded briefly to Master when He texted me.
I'm not sure why I feel guilty when His other partners get upset. It only makes me distance myself which doesn't help me, then I feel less a part of His life and hurt myself more.
Logically I know it's fucking stupid to do, their problems aren't mine. Maybe it's monogamy working it's way out of my system. I cant put my finger on it.
Thank you all for your advice.
I'm really pleased to have found an outlet that won't "bother" anyone.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

If anyone has any ideas of anything I can do to help her and prevent future problems I would appreciate it.
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Point her back to the source if it is not you.

And apologize when it was you and change your behavior.

When I post and M sees notifications He looks at His phone. That bothers her because she feels it intrudes on her time with M.
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So... basically he is distracted by his phone. You are right in that M could just ignore his notifications. She could speak up for herself directly. She could ask M directly to turn his phone off when he is with her. He's the one distracted by his phone.

The arguments and hard talks M and I have had on her nights can't always wait. If He is upset or needs attention from me, I can't tell Him no or ignore Him.
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Actually, you CAN tell him no. But if you choose to respond, that is your behavior choice. And if you already know your behavior will step on her toes because it is her night? You can expect her to be mad.

If you don't want her to step on your toes when it is your night? Best you remind M to keep his agreements with others if he's calling you up on her night with upset.

You could tell M, "I am sorry you are upset. I see you want to talk to me. This is not our night. This is X's night. I am willing to talk on ___. I will talk to you then or you can email me tomorrow what time if better for you. Right now I'm going to respect (you and X's night) because I want the same respect when it is (you and me) night." Then hang up and wait til the appointment time.

He's being a sloppy hinge with his time management in various ways.

Next time she fusses with you, just keep it short and sweet.

"I am sorry you feel that way. I think you should talk to M directly about what new phone behavior you would like from him instead" if it is a case like the former with the phone notifications.

If it is a case like the latter where you did step on toes a bit and passed it off like you couldn't do anything because he's the Master? Apologize, and don't do it again.

Let them solve their issues on (her + him) time. You solve your issues with him on (you + him) time.

He doesn't want to hear any bitching, the way He mismanages His secondary anyway.
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I think any good Master creates a space for feedback time in some fashion. Before a scene, as part of a scene, on a certain date/time if this is a 24/7 thing... something. Because nobody can be a mind reader. Not even a master.

If he doesn't create time for feedback for you? You can take back your consent and not agree to D/s with him any more. Doms only exist at the consent of the sub. Choose your doms more carefully. His other partners can advocate for their own feedback times.

I'm not sure why I feel guilty when His other partners get upset.
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Because sometimes it sounds like it is your behavior, if you are stepping on toes on their nights.

The other times I think it sounds like he's shifting some of his Master jobs on to you -- you are "sorting things out" rather than him. And they did not sign up to be YOUR subs. They signed up to be his and he is not doing it well. It sounds like he dumps the jobs he doesn't like on you. They want to talk to the boss man and he sends out the secretary to shoo them.

He might sell it to you like "I'm helping him... smoothing his ripples at home" but to an outsider? I think he sounds like a sloppy hinge and a sloppy Master. He is asking things of you that are not your job. Who made the ripples at home? Sounds like him since he's distracted on the phone, and ignoring X on her nights, and I don't know what else.

Tread carefully with your metas while sorting things out with your shared hinge. He could step it up and demonstrate stronger leadership rather than be so messy.

On your end, you might want to take some classes, attend some round table discussion groups, read some books, etc. I see how you want to please and be "the best poly partner/sub you can be." But don't let that earnest desire to please be misused in the hands of a sloppy hinge/messy dom. You don't need those kinds of headaches.

What IS "best" to you? Healthy, ethical, power exchange? When he says jump you say "How high?" Something else? Spend some time figuring it out and what you can offer as Sub and cannot offer as a Sub. Being a sub doesn't mean you have to be up for everything and anything with everybody.

Multi-partners and power exchange doesn't mean ALL the boundaries go out the window! If anything there is more things to negotiate, not less.

Galagirl
 
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I wouldn't offer something I couldn't give freely. So, I wouldn't tell meta that I'd help their relationship if I wasn't willing to in certain ways. Like, I'd let them know I'd contact him whenever and however I want. So, stop offering things you don't want to give. Just don't offer.

Also, it sounds like you've lost all compassion for meta. When I lose compassion for people I stop engaging with them because it doesn't bring out my best self. It seems like meta is hurting. Maybe she's an asshole, or maybe she isn't being treated well. Or maybe both. Who knows? When I've been in relationships where I haven't been treated well I've acted in ways I now regret.

Third, sometimes people get off on their lovers fighting or having drama about them. With female competition a real thing that society programs, men can easily tap into that. Could that be happening?

It's weird to me that y'all are don't have a hierarchy, but then explicitly have one. Do you think that couldbe hard for secondary meta?

My favorite explanation for triangulation and how to deal with it is the book The Dance of Anger. It's gendered as it was written in the 70s, but I could easily see myself on different sides regardless of gender.

Basically the idea is that women give and give with the unspoken idea that they will receive and then get angry when they don't get back the unspoken things they've given. People often try to changea relationship by changing the other person. But if you change yourself the relationship has to change. The chapter about triangulation changed my life.

In any case, on first blush your master sounds kind of like a jerk who doesn't have his house in order.
 
I'm treading as carefully as I can. I have read, and bought for Him and them, Power Circuits, More than two, Opening up, Ethical Slut and the Jealousy workbook.
I actually went to a talk with Primary and we both hope to keep going. I go to poly meet ups too.
A good relationship with my metas is honest, genuine, good communication, supportive, and caring.
I don't tag Him in anything. If I post on my blog He gets notifications. I don't know how often He checks other areas.
It's worth mentioning that I've had maybe 3 conversations with her. She doesn't want His partners at their house. I'm glad she started talking to me. I'm glad I'm not invisible anymore. I don't like that she was condescending and rude. I think she needed to vent. She has told him many times over about her issues with His phone. It's annoying, I see Him twice a month and He does ithat when He's with me too. I learned I have visual triggers. When I see her name I don't lose my shit, I used to until I learned why and how to work on them. I want to help her if I can.
I can't help if repairing my relationship takes time of hers or Primary's. Twice a month is my scheduled time as well as phone calls. They run over sometimes. He has called her a few of the times he has been with me.
I don't like keeping score I want us to have give and take and work together.
 
Re:
"I want us to have give and take and work together."
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That seems like an attainable goal, as long as all four of you are willing to work together towards it.
 
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