Primary Dating


New member
I am truly a virgin to the lifestyle of poly. I am a lesbian and my wife wants to explore having an open relationship. She has met someone and they are exploring the idea if they want to continue with having a relationship. My current question (I'm sure I will have many) is do I ask about the date? Today they were together and I dont know if it is right of me to ask " so what did you do?" or "how did things go?" Do I ignore the fact that they were together at all today?


Staff member
You can always ask about things, or make requests, and your wife can share as much as she is comfortable with sharing. Some people like to share a good deal. Personally, my partner and I share some stuff. We draw a discreet curtain over what we did sexually, usually. As long as we have both discussed our safer sex boundaries, I like to give my other partner(s) their own space. Of course, I can and do ask my partners if they mind if I share some sexual details with another partner, and often the men are absolutely fine with me sharing. Women may want more privacy, while men don't mind their sexual prowess being discussed between me and my female partner lol. Oh, the patriarchy...

But your wife may not want to share much, at all. Personally, as a safety thing, I like knowing when my partner goes to a new person's house for the first time, and knowing what their address and phone number is. And if my partner goes to a fun restaurant, or shopping, or some kind of show, etc., I'd be curious how it was, just like I'd be with any close friend or family member.

But as far as asking for great detail about her emotional involvement right off the bat, I probably wouldn't pry, and wait for her to share, knowing I wouldn't judge her or feel threatened, etc. However, as a newbie, you might be feeling jealous, fearful, threatened, etc. These are things to be discussed. It's OK to ask for reassurance and tell her what you need-- a hug, a cuddle, a quality date, sex (when she's ready), etc.


Staff member
I've tended to go with a generic "how was your day/night?" And let the conversation flow from there. You may want to discuss in advance what is TMI for all parties concerned. Everyone deserves their privacy! But I'll tend to share about the less intimate stuff, like if the restaurant food was amazing or some such.


Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello AlliCat,

Asking your wife, "How did things go?" seems innocent enough. "What did you do?" seems a slightly more loaded question, at least potentially, but that doesn't mean you can't ask it. Of course your wife might answer, "Well, that's private," or, "I'd rather not say." Ignoring the fact that they were together seems to be going too far in the other direction.

Kevin T.