Primary Partner Jealousy

[sidehustledad]

Short backstory:
We've been married for 21 years. We have 2 kids. We've been poly for 11 years.

For the past 5 years, my wife has developed increasingly strong jealousy issues.

In short, her jealousy/resentment stems from two main factors:

1. Over the past 6-7 years, I've realized our sexual dynamic makes me uncomfortable, and I would prefer to pursue romantic attachments outside of the marriage. This has triggered huge rejection feelings for her that she cannot move past or accept.

2. She experienced a traumatic breakup/breakdown in 2020, which makes her feel it is impossible for her to meet anyone new, or maintain a new relationship. She firmly wants to remain poly, but she feels trapped and left behind, especially since I seem to easily find and maintain solid and fulfilling connections with others.

Her viewpoint has long been that it is wrong for me to date other people until we can mend more of our relationship. And without the solid base of our connection, she cannot move forward with her own mental health and romantic life.

There's obviously a lot more context/details to share, and I probably will unpack more in future posts, but this is my question to the crowd...

Is it productive and healthy for a struggling partner/co-parent to expect their partner to want to pause meeting any new people until the original partner can get over their jealousy?

 

[quirkyandkind]

I am new to all of this so perhaps my opinion doesn’t make sense or is lacking experience behind it, so take it for what it’s worth

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your wife to want to have a strong foundation and connection before stepping into the lifestyle. I can only assume that trust and openness is paramount for this to work. If she doesn’t feel that is there she likely feels like more harm than good can come from this, and I cannot fault her for that. Of course I do not have all of the context other than what you shared so may be missing key information

 

[sidehustledad]

Thank you for the response. I'm really trying to see things from all perspectives to wrap my head around it.

The bottom line is that me dating does seem to be doing her more harm than good. It has affected our homelife/parenting.

It's been 3 months since I broke up with a partner of 1 year in order to alleviate some of that strain. She feels that action has reduced her pain/discomfort. But things haven't really improved enough.

I know ENM is right for me, and it brings me a lot of joy/support/fulfillment, and I'm really starting to feel the deep loss on my end. I'm willing to put that part of my life on hold, but it looks like this might take years to resolve, when deep down, I was probably hoping for it to take a few months.

At this point, I sincerely hope this is the right decision, even though I'm afraid I'll start to develop my own resentful feelings the longer it goes on.

I wish I could fully process what a realistic, positive set of expectations would be.

 

[quirkyandkind]

I cannot relate in any way but I can feel it through your words. It does seem like you and her need to be really raw and open with one another. Help her understand why you feel the way you do but truly listen to her feelings as well. This may not have the fairytale ending you are hoping for and you need to be prepared for that as well. I wish you and your wife all the best on this journey and hope you both find a fulfilling outcome to it

 

[FeralGeek]

Is it productive and healthy for a struggling partner/co-parent to expect their partner to want to pause meeting any new people until the original partner can get over their jealousy?

I’d point out that there is a presumptive requirement of productivity to the question that may benefit from review. Expectation management is a pretty big deal for both parties and it sounds like she needs healing and may not be capable of productivity. Timing does matter and healing can drag for a long time if it’s not being seen to.

Also, people change every year. It’s uncomfortable and no one likes it, but it happens and there’s nothing we can do about it, but I found the biggest factor in people staying together or not is if they’re dedicated to making sure they keep changing in compatible ways.

All that to say, I think Wife’s feelings ring awfully true, although maybe are not being conveyed in the most productive way.

 

[Tinwen]

Yes, it can be productive to pause seeing new people to do couples' and individual work, though we usually don't recommend breaking up with existing partners. I'm sorry that had to happen. If you're constantly triggering her mental health, that's certainly not speeding up her healing.

Pair it with an action plan on how to improve the relationship. You could work one out with a couples' therapist. You could also give it a timeframe after which you evaluate how things are improving, and whether you are ready as a couple to open up to new connections again. Just BE KIND. Though you wanna make sure the break isn't just conserving a broken state, mental health isn't always on schedule.

The book Polysecure by Jessica Fern discusses these pauses briefly. You could read it (or listen to it-- someone put it on YouTube) and get some more understanding about attachment crises.

 

[Tinwen]

BTW it does sound like you left her behind. It's not like you love her + love someone else. It's that you abandoned the romantic and sexual aspect of your marriage altogether, possibly without clear communication that the relationship is transitioning to coparents only.

If she wants to be with you romantically, but you don't want her anymore, a full breakup may be cleaner. You have to make time to have these honest talks and find the best way forward.

 

[FeralGeek]

a full breakup may be cleaner.

OP tried pretty hard to be clear on the lack of details, so I tried not to presume, but i also picked a vibe of looking for validation for wanting out. Sorry if that’s way off and unhelpful, but uncomfortable truths are often more useful than pretty advice and I agree with Tinwen here.

 

[dingedheart]

We've been married for 21 years. We have 2 kids. We've been poly for 11 years.

At the time (10-yr mark) why or how did you decide to open your marriage? Whose idea was this? What type of research or education did you do separately or as a couple at the time? Would you describe your situation as having a solid foundation?

For the past 5 years, my wife has developed increasingly strong jealousy issues.

In short, her jealousy/resentment stems from two main factors:

1. Over the past 6-7years, I've realized our sexual dynamic makes me uncomfortable, and that I would prefer to pursue romantic attachments outside of the marriage. This has triggered huge rejection feelings for her that she cannot move past or accept.

Your sexual dynamic makes you uncomfortable. That’s quite vague. Care to elaborate a little more? Not looking for graphic details, but to understand how you got here. After you opened, did your sexual dynamic significantly change or new preferences or routines emerge? Did you feel you were being used as a stunt dick or fluffer for another partner? That’s been know, to kill a sexual dynamic.

Has you wife done any work through reading, podcasts or counseling to manage her jealousy issues?

2. She experienced a traumatic breakup/breakdown in 2020, which makes her feel it is impossible for her to meet anyone new, or maintain a new relationship. She firmly wants to remain poly, but she feels trapped and left behind, especially since I seem to easily find and maintain solid and fulfilling connections with others.

Did she seek any counseling post-breakup? Did the person and messy break-up in question cause issues within your marriage and as a result played a role in this sexual disconnect?

Her viewpoint has long been that it is wrong for me to date other people until we can mend more of our relationship. And without the solid base of our connection, she cannot move forward with her own mental health and romantic life.

I personally think it’s funny and counter to the poly philosophy to go mono to fix a poly marriage. So I guess to fix a mono marriage people need to go poly. IMO, you need to fix whatever the issue is under game conditions and stress. Plus, why would I want to be the focus of 100% time, attention, and energy just to have it removed in a few weeks or months? Would that be like an extended vacation from upcoming reality? Several people who were struggling that I talked to said this was worse.

There's obviously a lot more context/details to share, and I probably will unpack more in future posts, but this is my question to the crowd...

Is it productive and healthy for a struggling partner/co-parent to expect their partner to want to pause meeting any new people until the original partner can get over their jealousy?

I'd say no, it's not healthy to expect you, after 11 yrs of poly, to hit the pause button. This isn’t your problem, it’s hers. It doesn’t sound like you had anything to do with her bad break-up or the people she’s chosen to date. You’re not making her feel anything. Her reactions are her reactions.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello sidehustledad,

Your situation is unusual, usually it is the husband that has difficulty finding anyone to date. Also most of the sexual disconnects I've heard of here, have been the wife not wanting much to do with the husband, so as I said, you have an unusual situation.

The question is, can your marriage be fixed. If it can't, the two of you may need to think about breaking up. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. Can your sexual interest in your wife be revived? Do you even want it to be revived? Also she might have better luck finding people to date if she is single.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Can your sexual interest in your wife be revived? Do you even want it to be revived?

Indeed, this seems like a major issue.

 

[Magdlyn]

Have you lost sexual interest in your wife because she is so stuck in the grief over what happened with her former relationship 5 years ago? I could see that becoming extremely tiresome and distancing.

Is she aware she is grieving? Aware of the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, as proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross? Maybe she's stuck in depression. Maybe she swings back and forth between more than one state or stage.

Of course, the best course for depression is to seek medical help. A poly-friendly therapist would be best. A medication might help even out her mood as she works through her disappointment and apparent lack of closure. One's life partner (and friends, if she seeks support there) can only do so much.

I had a poly relationship end really badly. In fact, I don't think I will ever "get over it" completely. The horror is just part of my psyche now. But I learned many valuable lessons from it, and it's become just part of my hero's journey, like any other "bad" thing that has happened to me in my life. More understanding of the kind of person that ex was, and how they treated me, has led me to watch out for red flags about that kind of situation with all relationships now, in general. My heart was wrenched and broken, but I ultimately bounced back stronger than ever.

Unless you share more details, I don't understand your role in the alleged lack of foundations in your relationship with your wife.