Primary partner left out?

[PandaMama]

Hi.

Husband and I are new to Poly, have mostly been exploring and establishing ourselves in the local BDSM community. We agreed to hierarchical poly, with us being Primary.

So here is the issue. When we started this, O got lots of attention. And for me that was all new, being that my body type has not always been desirable to others - but magically you get older and that changes. So I always have someone to talk to or reach out to. Hubby not so much. He has made a great connection with a partner that he has essentially started a relationship with. She is wonderful and we all get along at this point.

In an effort to cause less stress to my husband, I looked for person(s) that I could make more of a connection with and less about sex. Low and behold, i ended up with 3 new semi-serious partners, a single woman, and a couple that I am pursuing individually.
This couple stated they are kitchen table, so when I met the Male (whom I connected with initially) our primaries met at the same time. We got along very well. Then, they said they wanted us all to get along, but barely talk to or reach out to my husband - while also pursuing a relationship with me. My husband is hurt, and the drama between the couple is spilling over in to our everyday life.

I am more open and understanding then hubby. But what Im trying to figure out, is how to include my husband and find him more opportunities to meet people? Do I let go of connections with others, when Husband isn’t necessarily feeling it? I don’t know why others can’t see what I can? Hubby also grew up fundamentally different then Poly, and struggles with the whole thing on the daily, perhaps that is part of it? Any advice is appreciated …

 

[kdt26417]

Hello PandaMama,

Your husband is lucky to have found someone; usually poly is harder for the male. It's unfortunate that the couple you are dating is leaving your husband out; kitchen table poly states that your husband should be included in the poly process. It sounds like your husband is having difficulties with it because he was not raised poly, you need to make him feel more included. Do not continue to date this couple unless they start to include your husband. Have a talk with them in which you explain how you feel about it, and how your husband feels. They might be unaware of how important including your husband is. Explain to them that as kitchen table polys, they must include your husband at least in the form of texts, and the occasional get-together for coffee. It is very important that your husband be included; otherwise, you are going to have drama with him.

You seem to be very sincere in wanting this to work, not just for you, but for your husband as well. Continue to include your husband in any way possible. Hopefully others will post on this thread, and you can get more help that way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's unfortunate that the couple you are dating is leaving your husband out; kitchen table poly states that your husband should be included in the poly process.

I don't believe this is correct. Kitchen table means metamours can hang out platonically, if they WANT to. It is not the same as a 4-way sexual-quad style relationship or spouse swap.

It sounds like your husband is having difficulties with it because he was not raised poly, you need to make him feel more included. Do not continue to date this couple unless they start to include your husband.

Um, why? In polyamory there is no rule that both members of one couple must date 2 members of another couple. You can't force Wife B to be attracted to Husband A. If you try and force her to have sex with Husband A against her wishes (lead her to expect that she must do this, or else!), that would be coercive, it not downright sexual abuse. Husband A can seek and find his own partner(s). Poly isn't a race or a competition.

Have a talk with them in which you explain how you feel about it, and how your husband feels. They might be unaware of how important including your husband is. Explain to them that as kitchen table polys, they must include your husband at least in the form of texts, and the occasional get-together for coffee. It is very important that your husband be included; otherwise, you are going to have drama with him.

Well, it could be this couple is really only interested in Wife A. Kitchen table poly, where all metamours find they like each other and want to hang out, can't be forced. Maybe they just don't find Husband A interesting or fun. Hubs A acting out (making drama) because he isn't included sounds like a childish temper tantrum. This is all why most poly people, including couples, date separately.

I am more open and understanding then hubby. But what I'm trying to figure out, is how to include my husband and find him more opportunities to meet people. Do I let go of connections with others when Husband isn’t necessarily feeling it?

If you are only going to do poly in a quad shape, you're going to have to be very very patient. Actually, it is usually swingers, not polyamorists, who try to date in this way, all even Steven, you take my wife, I'll take yours, kind of way. Attraction must happen at its own pace.

Some poly newbies do hold out for quads, or at least triads (sharing a "hot bi babe"), but these types of things may start off hot and then soon fizzle because it's extremely rare for the sexual and emotional chemistry and desire to be equal across the board.

Hubby would be better off reading more about polyamory and polishing his social skills and maybe learning how to write a better dating app profile and how to write a great introductory note in order to attract women. I highly recommend the book Opening Up. It is up to him to find his own dating partners. Trying to "help" him in this way is kind of like being his pimp, to be honest.

I don’t know why others can’t see what I can. Hubby also grew up fundamentally different then poly, and struggles with the whole thing on the daily, perhaps that is part of it? Any advice is appreciated.

He is struggling because you are getting sex (and he isn't). You might find it difficult to establish a real long-term love relationship too. Most men out there tend more to want just sex from a married poly woman than to really date her, get to know her, and settle into a real relationship. I speak from years of personal experience. Dating sucks, for "mono" regular people, and in poly, your dating pool is that much smaller. So you need to be patient.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent.

This couple stated they are kitchen table, so when I met the Male (whom I connected with initially) our primaries met at the same time. We got along very well. Then, they said they wanted us all to get along, but barely talk to or reach out to my husband - while also pursuing a relationship with me.

Kitchen table means the people dating each other/metas can hangout in a group, talk, etc. That is you, and then the couple.

While nice they met your husband, he's not part of the KTP triad thing that is emerging here. You date each spouse separately. They date each other. That's a kind of triad.

My husband is hurt, and the drama between the couple is spilling over in to our everyday life.

I'm sorry husband is hurt. At the same time? Other people don't have to include him in their plans with you. They aren't dating him. They date you.

How is drama with the couple spilling into (you+ husband's) life?

Are you not able to tell the couple "Couple, please keep your dyad stuff over THERE between you, rather than leaking it on to me" if they overhare this with you?

Are you then oversharing their stuff with husband? Like "pass the buck whooshies?" One of them or both whoosh their problems with each other at you, and then you whoosh at him?

You are not their free therapist.

Husband is not your free therapist.

It is ok to set some personal boundaries.

But what Im trying to figure out, is how to include my husband and find him more opportunities to meet people?

It's on husband to make his own connections.

Do I let go of connections with others, when Husband isn’t necessarily feeling it?

Do you mean you and husband want to poly date as a couple rather than separately? Or that husband has to approve whoever you date on your own?

Are you making time to date husband and not getting caught up in NRE for the new people and taking him for granted?

Hubby also grew up fundamentally different then Poly, and struggles with the whole thing on the daily, perhaps that is part of it? Any advice is appreciated …

Have you asked him? Because there's different kinds of non-monogamy. If he was only up for BDSM/kink scenes, and maybe casual sex or a FWB? And not into polyamory and having full blown relationships?

If you two cannot figure out open for him on his side and poly for you on your side? Then you might not be compatible for practicing non-monogamy.

 

[PandaMama]

Its been a minute, but wanted to clarify and update. First I appreciate the advice. Ultimately, I decided to end the relationship i had with BF (after being given an ultimatum from husband). There was more then just not being willing to talk with my husband - despite BF saying he wanted that. There was lots of drama, lies, breaking of hard limits (BF lied about them). So all around he wasn’t the right person for the life we are trying to live.

On another note Husbands relationship with his GF is on the rise. Because we all socialize in the same group, im working hard at having a relationship with her (hubs gf). So thats working out well.

Finally, i agree that many men out there don’t really want to date attached poly women. Now that I have no interests - or minimal - I find myself home alone wondering if Ill ever find a person that wants more then sex. In the meantime, ill learn to be happy/content where Im at.

 

[Magdlyn]

Its been a minute, but wanted to clarify and update. First I appreciate the advice. Ultimately, I decided to end the relationship i had with BF (after being given an ultimatum from husband). There was more then just not being willing to talk with my husband - despite BF saying he wanted that. There was lots of drama, lies, breaking of hard limits (BF lied about them). So all around he wasn’t the right person for the life we are trying to live.

It sounds like you never really got things off the ground with the woman of that couple, then? You said you were dating them individually. I guess they had too many problems both trying to date the same person (you).

And the thing with the single woman didn't work out either. I am sorry. Dating is really hard! It takes patience and persistence.

On another note, Husbands relationship with his GF is on the rise. Because we all socialize in the same group, I'm working hard at having a relationship with her. So that's working out well.

Is it "hard" to have a relationship with her? Why isn't it easier?

Finally, i agree that many men out there don’t really want to date attached poly women. Now that I have no interests - or minimal - I find myself home alone wondering if Ill ever find a person that wants more then sex. In the meantime, ill learn to be happy/content where Im at.

You will find someone eventually. It can take many years to find a person who is really right for you. I've had so many first and second dates that went nowhere. I have had relationships that have lasted a year or two and then stopped, either from life circumstances (moving, mental health issues, time crunches), or because of a lack of long-term compatibility.

But I have been with my gf for 13 years. And I think it's the real deal with my bf. He assures me it is. He was new to practicing poly when we met, but he had struggled being mono for years, so it seems to suit his outgoing nature.

Sometimes I have given up hope and taken a break from putting myself out there, because it gets too tiring. In fact, I met my bf after not dating anyone new for about three years (a year before and two years during the pandemic). So, you just never know.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PandaMama,

Thanks for that update. Sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend broke up, although it does sound like it was for the best. Don't give up on the hopes of finding someone who is right for you. It could take a few years, but it will be worth it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.