Primary, secondary... CONFUSED!

Cancelled123

Cancelled123

Member
Hi,

Any feedback would be appreciated, as I'm new to polyamory.

Here is some background first. I'm a female, mid-30s. I've been pretty much monogamous until spring of last year. My bisexual hubby Josh and I opened up our marriage after much thought, because I didn't want to deny him half of his sexuality. Josh started a friend with benefits relationship with another bi male, Caleb (who is in a happy, stable triad with another male and female partner).

Fast forward a bit to the fall of 2010: I also became involved with Caleb. We started out with occasional sexual threesomes with Josh, and it progressed to Caleb and me also spending time alone. Somehow we fell in love. Josh took it a little hard at first, but we've talked a lot and he is much more secure now. Caleb's wife and I also play on occasion. We all get along really well. We've met each other's kids. The whole thing feels like a great extended family affair.

Now the CONFUSION. Technically speaking, Josh is my primary partner, and Caleb is a FWB and secondary, at least in terms of time spent together and life commitment. However, as things progress, I find myself having very strong feelings of attachment to Caleb, and I see those feelings being reciprocated. He's told me that he doesn't consider me a secondary partner in terms of emotional involvement, at all. I worry that the strength of our feelings might be somewhat detrimental to our primary relationships, and that I am/we are becoming too attached. How do I keep it all together? I'm scared of messing up!

signed,
Confused in Canada
 
Try doing a search in the tags for "secondaries" or "primary" or the like here and many conversations will come up.

Generally speaking, primary/secondary for most established poly tribes is more about financial commitments, children, shared assets and time. Partners quite often become equally loved for different reasons. You are in good company with that. Sex partners for casual sex are quite often secondary, or just seen as good times, and the sex being about sport. To me, and it seems, most poly people, love is always primary.

For me? I try to keep myself primary. I put myself first. I think self love is the most important. Everyone and everything else is secondary. That doesn't mean I'm egotistical, just aware of myself and my needs as being my priority. I keep in mind that my needs also require that I have to be considerate/compassionate/empathetic and be a good team member, or no one will want to be around me.
 
Thank you. I will search the forum as suggested. Since I kind of fell into polyamory by accident (me finding love was never the intent), I truly do not know where it's all headed, hence the confusion. Glad to hear that a secondary partner can be loved equally. I felt kind of guilty about loving Caleb so much, like I somehow owed more love to my husband or something.
 
nycindie said:
You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love. :)
Click to expand...

This.

Hierarchical language doesn't work for me at all (primary/secondary). I don't want to rank things, even if they are distinct. I do end up using different words for people -- my long-term partner is my partner, then any combination of boyfriend/girlfriend or sweetie for the others.
 
nycindie said:
You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love. :)
Click to expand...

I'll echo that!:)

And I do think self-love is essential to loving others well, crucial.

Still, I'm no longer comfortable even calling my relationship with myself "primary" and my relationship with others ... somehow less so.

Rather, I simply realize that I can only love others well if I am loving myself well. If I fail to love myself well, things get pretty f-d up pretty fast.

I love my Sweeties as much as I love myself -- which is plenty, and getting better every day.:D As love should!
 
New Relationship Energy (NRE) can have that effect of seemingly loving someone more. But really, it's like having a new toy. That old teddy bear is still lovable, but the new one is kinda more exciting to cuddle (for a while) because of the novelty. They are different, but both are valid.
 
Does NRE still apply nearly 6 months after admitting our feelings? I'd think the "new and shiny" should be wearing off a bit.

Also consider that Josh and I have not been together for like, an eternity. About 5 years in total, 2 years married.
 
Nouryia, you might be over-analyzing NRE. Yes, it can last for extended periods or short periods. You seems to be on the long plan.

Part of this might be because of the accidental fall-into-poly situation. Think of it this way, When you started dating as a mono, everything was shiny and new. It took time to adjust to what it was like to meet someone new, get to know them, adjust, and progress or move on. You've basically started that whole thing over again.

Yes, you have relationship experience, but this is relationship plus relationship. Not only is it novel and new in particular (new person), it's new in concept (new lifestyle). That's bonus NRE. I also call this PAS (Polyamory Adjustment Syndrome).

As polyamory becomes your new normal, this will quiet down. In the meantime, your capacity for love will grow. You might take a moment or two every once in a while to do things for your husband that remind him how great and loved he is.

I find that with my wife, doing something with or for her specifically when she knows I would normally be somewhere else reminds her that she important.

"Why, yes, honey, I was planning on being there, but I just really wanted to see you and give you this. That can wait."

I'd suggest the same for Caleb and his wife. Any time a new partner comes in, it's a transition for everyone. You might even consider sitting down with Caleb and brainstorming. You might find that coming up with ways he can make his wife feel special. While he thinks of things that would make your husband feel special, he could introduce some novelty into the original unions, while also helping everyone feel more connected.

Worry less, have fun, and be well.
 
Thanks, Sagency. I will try to worry less. lol. I think you might be right in that I'm over-thinking a bit, I am still adjusting to poly life, after all. And I do love Josh just as much. Nothing has changed there. I guess I (wrongly) assumed that I would love Caleb less. And well, that's just not the case. :eek:
 
My NRE comes and goes with all my partners. ERE (established relationship energy), really. NRE lasted with Mono for over a year. I sometimes wonder if it ever went away entirely.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top