Privacy in communications

FelicityB

FelicityB

New member
How much privacy should a secondary partner expect with regards to email, texting, etc? Should a primary partner be allowed to insist on complete transparency of your other partners correspondence?
 
Oh hell no.

My messages of whatever form, to my partners, are not to be shared among the polycule! That's deal breaker land right there if there has to be sharing. Giant NOPE.
 
What Evie said. I used to be really terrible about this when I was in an entangled quad, but now there’s no way I’d read my partners’ messages. I don’t even like seeing over their shoulder and reading texts accidentally.
 
FelicityB said:
How much privacy should a secondary partner expect with regards to email, texting, etc? Should a primary partner be allowed to insist on complete transparency of your other partners correspondence?
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To me, the default expectation for privacy is that one-to-one communication remains private, unless there is permission given, or some overriding reason (i.e., a concern about safety), for the communication to be shared.

I’m sure some people who prefer a hierarchical model allow/demand that primary partners maintain the privilege of reading all communications with secondary partners. But I’d be pretty pissed if I were a secondary and this weren’t made clear from the very start. And I’d probably not stick around if this *were* the deal, no matter when I found out. I’m not interested in having my relationship overseen by a third party.
 
Reading emails, text, etc is not transparency. 100% privacy should be the default. I would not accept anything less.
 
Hi Felicity,

Privacy should be the default expectation. If there is a situation where the primary partner wants to see email, texting, and other correspondence, then that notion should be submitted to the secondary partner as a request (not a demand). Then let the secondary partner decide.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
No one should be reading messages not meant for them.
 
So say I'm dating Bob, you're asking if his wife Sue can demand access to all of Bob's correspondence? The answer is a resounding yes. She can ask or demand that and Bob can appease her wishes. The only thing Bob has to do is tell people in advance that this agreement exists so they can choose whether to correspond with Bob or not. Bob can also decline this demand/request as he sees fit.
 
Should a primary partner be allowed to insist on complete transparency of your other partners correspondence?
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What do you mean "be allowed to insist?" That sounds like demanding access to stuff that isn't theirs to see. And they expect their partner to acquiesce.

What would be the purpose of this complete transparency of the hinge's correspondence to their other partner(s)? What is that supposed to achieve or solve? :confused:

I mean, the theoretical couple Sue and Bob can set up their poly agreements with each other however it is they want. But I would expect Bob to tell me this is how it is with them up front. Cuz I'm gonna ask "Do you have any agreements with other partners that might affect me?"

And on finding that out Bob shows all his personal correspondence to his primary Sue and I would have no actual privacy with Bob? I would bow out.

To me it just sounds like the primary partner Sue doesn't trust Bob the hinge at their word or isn't really ok doing poly. Or maybe is really enmeshed and has poor personal boundaries and Bob just goes along with whatever. Either from being passive and/or accepting whatever just to get to poly date.

I would wonder why Sue has to know SO much detail about Bob's other interactions before they can feel secure in their own relationship with Bob.

None of that sounds great to me. I would want no part of it. I would just skip dating Bob.

How much privacy should a secondary partner expect with regards to email, texting, etc?
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I expect that my emails and texts and private communication to Bob the hinge to be for his eyes only. If he cannot give me that, then I'd rather just skip dating Bob.

Cuz if I wanted to contact both Bob hinge and Sue my meta about something (ex: some calendar issue) I would email or text both. Or figure out some kind of shared Google calendar or something.

So if my expectations for my privacy and the expectations of Bob the new potential don't match? Then we aren't going to be compatible and we just don't date. "Secondary" to me means not the nesting partner, maybe less entanglements. It doesn't mean "second class" like I don't get to have any privacy.

I expect a partner to just be open, honest and up front. I expect my partner to just tell me the important stuff they want me to know / I've requested to be told and they've agreed to tell. If I have to go looking in their email and texts to find out if what they tell me is true or not -- there's either a lack of personal boundaries and/or lack of trust to me.

So again...

Should a primary partner be allowed to insist on complete transparency of your other partners correspondence?
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What would be the purpose of this? What is this supposed to achieve or solve? :confused:

Sue and Bob can't figure out how to solve it another way? The only way is to disregard the privacy of Bob's secondary partner? And for Bob to agree not to have privacy of his own too?

Is this something going on with you and A? Like A wants to read all your email and texts to M? Or the ones M sends you?

Galagirl
 
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I agree with what GalaGirl said — spot on.

I will add that sometimes there *are* legitimate reasons why (if I haven’t set a boundary otherwise) I would expect my partner to share certain information with his wife. For example, if he wanted her advice on handling something that had come up in his relationship with me. But the impetus for that communication would come from him, not her. I think that is a critical difference....I expect my partners to treat their other partners as they would any other close friend, and that means sometimes going to them when they have concerns about their relationship with me. But just as I don’t expect their other friends to demand access to their text messages with me, I don’t expect their primary partners to have such access either.
 
It should always, always be negotiated. Communication is private unless consent to share is given.

I skew pretty far on the "I like sharing" side, but it's MY choice, not at anyone's request. I wouldn't be cool with one partner demanding to see my communications with another. Every relationship deserves its own space.

My partners and I have clearly negotiated the bounds of what we're OK to share, and while it's more than most people would, it's okay with us and that's what matters. Informed consent.
 
FelicityB said:
How much privacy should a secondary partner expect with regards to email, texting, etc? Should a primary partner be allowed to insist on complete transparency of your other partners correspondence?
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This is something you all need to work out between yourselves. If you have no established guidelines for exactly what sort of relationship you are all in, and what each other should expect, then it's time to have that conversation with them.

Personally, my partner and I have a policy of total transparency. However we have also gotten to know each other well enough to know what is trivial and what isn't. Our rule of thumb is that if one partner thinks that whatever it is, is something a partner would probably want to know, then it should be disclosed before they find out some other way than it coming from you. This rule of thumb assumes all partners are reasonable people who aren't insecure neurotic control freaks who need to know and micromanage every detail of their partners lives.
 
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