I would never be with a girl to turn my guy on. That would make me feel equally disgusting/disgusted. I'm simply saying, I would enter into a relationship with someone that he wouldn't be intimidated by. It would be something new for me, but not something I've ever been against. I've never done it before, because we are in a monogamous relationship. I wouldn't lay with a girl just so he could get his rocks off. Please don't misunderstand me. I would never lay with anyone who I was not emotionally connected with. I don't play the "Boys will think I'm hot if I dance on this girl" game. That's not who I am.
Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion
- Thread starter WhatDoIDoNow
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Vixtoria
New member
Here's where we come to a crossroads.
1) Him understanding he's polyamorous is not the way to get him to understand you are. That is like saying for you to feel comfortable being a woman and comfortable with your sexuality as a woman, he needs to be a woman. If he doesn't want to try being poly, then getting him to understand it through practice is not an option.
2) "I'm just afraid of vaginas. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one." Then you aren't bi-curious. If the idea of a woman's genitalia scares you, then you have your answer. It took me forever to realize that I wanted women, not because society crams their beauty and erotic images of them selling everything down my throat, but because I physically wanted every part of them as well. I've seen a woman who was bi-curious before. Seeing a woman who says she's exploring, but is afraid of vaginas? Out of the question.
Certainly you can find ways to justify things in your own mind, and that's fine for you. However, people here are trying to help and let you see how things look outside of that justification. Trying to get your partner to understand what you want by living what you want won't work. To be perfectly frank, he doesn't need to understand. Trust me, after 20 years, there are things hubby and I just don't understand about each other, but we accept them. That's what's important.
1) Him understanding he's polyamorous is not the way to get him to understand you are. That is like saying for you to feel comfortable being a woman and comfortable with your sexuality as a woman, he needs to be a woman. If he doesn't want to try being poly, then getting him to understand it through practice is not an option.
2) "I'm just afraid of vaginas. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one." Then you aren't bi-curious. If the idea of a woman's genitalia scares you, then you have your answer. It took me forever to realize that I wanted women, not because society crams their beauty and erotic images of them selling everything down my throat, but because I physically wanted every part of them as well. I've seen a woman who was bi-curious before. Seeing a woman who says she's exploring, but is afraid of vaginas? Out of the question.
Certainly you can find ways to justify things in your own mind, and that's fine for you. However, people here are trying to help and let you see how things look outside of that justification. Trying to get your partner to understand what you want by living what you want won't work. To be perfectly frank, he doesn't need to understand. Trust me, after 20 years, there are things hubby and I just don't understand about each other, but we accept them. That's what's important.
I see what I'm doing now. I can't go seeking a relationship with a woman when 98% of me is fixed on men. It's not fair to me or her to embrace this 2% because it's the only thing my current relationship will allow. And I can't talk him into polyamory so he'll understand me better, because he's just not into such a lifestyle.
I'm so stupid/desperate.
So, I either sacrifice myself and live monogamously, or I end up with nothing.
I'm so stupid/desperate.
So, I either sacrifice myself and live monogamously, or I end up with nothing.
AnnabelMore
Active member
The thing is, this is not necessarily true. Not every mono person is a poly person waiting to happen. It may well be, if he feels staunchly mono and doesn't get poly, that he really is just wired that way, and that if he falls in love with another woman he might, in fact, fall out of love with you.
This is why I would never, ever try to nudge my mono partner into dating someone else. If he ever wants to, I will support him every step of the way, no question. But as long as monogamy feels right for him, I am going to accept that, and not assume he can be anything else.
Are you willing to take the chance that your fiance might not work the same way as you, and might leave if he falls for someone else?
IndieSolo
Active member
This begs the question-- why would you put your boyfriend's apparent need to not be intimidated by someone before your own needs?
What if you met a guy and were instantly smitten? Let's say that, through whatever circumstances, you meet a guy, get to know him better, and are amazed at how compatible and perfect he is for you. He's great, and he thinks you're great, too. You can tell he's falling for you. You develop a crush, you fall for him... but your boyfriend is intimidated by him. So, you can't even go out on a coffee date with the dude.
Instead, you try to find a woman, because 1) your boyfriend isn't intimidated by women; 2) you aren't totally against the idea, even though vaginas scare you; and 3) since you're not allowed by your boyfriend to love whomever you want to love, you'll at least have somebody, and to prove to him... something (ick). Never mind that any woman you tried to hook up with would feel like shit and second best. But hey, your boyfriend's insecurities are more important than anything else!
But you can't stop thinking of this guy that you have fallen for, because he has touched something in you, and you really can't choose whom to love, and your heart breaks a little.
Do you not see that it's your boyfriend's responsibility to handle his own insecurities, by dealing with his feelings and making an effort to become as self-aware as possible? Why would you not even consider that it's your choice whom to be in relationship with, not his? Why do you let your boyfriend even think he owns you in that way? You should want him to know you have a mind of your own, and that you need to fulfill your needs for yourself, not for him. Are you your own woman or not?
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Icewraithonyx
New member
Or, if the freedom to have other relationships is important to you, find another relationship where it is allowed, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself. That's also an option, if your current relationship doesn't meet your needs.
Derbylicious
New member
It's not an either-or. There is another option. Since there isn't an actual person on the horizon whom you want to date at this moment, you can continue to talk to your fiance about what you truly want out of life. I suggest not getting married until you've come to a conclusion that you can both live with. You're going to need to work with each other on boundaries, which are likely to change over time. Worst-case scenario is that you find out now that long term you aren't going to be compatible in a relationship. Even if that's the case, it's better to know that sooner rather than later, so that you can both go on and find relationships that do fulfill you 100%.
I'm glad you realize that you shouldn't be forcing yourself to be with women just because it's something he'd be okay with. You should never be with anyone who you don't want to be with 100%!
WE'RE COMMUNICATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's willing to at least talk about it because he doesn't want to otherwise lose me and he wants me to be happy! Ohhh and I'm soooo happy!!!!
And of course, part of me feels guilty for even having him have to go through this with me.
And of course, part of me feels guilty for even having him have to go through this with me.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Meh. Some people just aren't big readers. Also, if he feels he wants nothing to do with it, why would he want to educate himself? To use an extreme analogy: If your partner were into molesting children and wanted you to read books about why it was okay to molest children, don't you think your blatant refusal to do so would be completely appropriate?
Assuming he is emotionally capable of being polyamorous himself, that is. If he's wired to be monoamorous, then pushing him to love another woman could be a form of rejecting him, because it could mean you're trying to get him to fall out of love with you, to make the break-up easier.
It's good that you realize this could be a life-long decision. If he's not even the slightest bit open to the idea before marriage, it's extremely unlikely that he will ever warm up to the idea once the vows are said. Before you walk down that aisle, make sure you're 100% willing to be with only him for the rest of your life. If that changes, great, but it probably won't.
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MindfulAgony
New member
This.
If I had that advice way back when and listened to it, it would have avoided a whole world of hurt.
How to open up bf to idea of poly
I have been with my boyfriend for five years in a monoamorous relationship. I love him so much.
I have developed strong feelings for my best friend of two years. I have talked to my boyfriend before about having a poly relationship with my best friend. He had seemed open to it. Well, after I talked to my best friend about it, and we agreed that we would really like to try dating, my boyfriend said he didn't want me to, since he thinks he would get too jealous.
Any advice on how to open my boyfriend up to the idea of polyamory?
I have been with my boyfriend for five years in a monoamorous relationship. I love him so much.
I have developed strong feelings for my best friend of two years. I have talked to my boyfriend before about having a poly relationship with my best friend. He had seemed open to it. Well, after I talked to my best friend about it, and we agreed that we would really like to try dating, my boyfriend said he didn't want me to, since he thinks he would get too jealous.
Any advice on how to open my boyfriend up to the idea of polyamory?
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CielDuMatin
New member
Does your boyfriend want to learn? If not, then nothing you do is really going to change anything.
You will find some folks on here recommending books to read - I have to say that most of the books i have found don't really do it for me - they are either not the type of poly I want, or seem to be too much showing the "One True Way".
Some of the best reading I have seen on the subject is for free at Franklin Veaux's site: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html - that might be a great place for him to start. Also, you might suggest that he sign up here for his own account - there are many on here who have been through something similar to what you are going through, and could maybe offer different perspectives for him.
Hope this helps.
You will find some folks on here recommending books to read - I have to say that most of the books i have found don't really do it for me - they are either not the type of poly I want, or seem to be too much showing the "One True Way".
Some of the best reading I have seen on the subject is for free at Franklin Veaux's site: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html - that might be a great place for him to start. Also, you might suggest that he sign up here for his own account - there are many on here who have been through something similar to what you are going through, and could maybe offer different perspectives for him.
Hope this helps.
Thanks. I actually sent him a link to Franklin's site about a week ago. I asked him if he ever read it, but he said no. I asked him if he could do me a favor and just read it. I find that site super informative and it has given me a lot of advice. Hopefully he will read it.
Thanks for the idea to have him come on here, too. I definitely will have him look at this forum.
Thanks for the idea to have him come on here, too. I definitely will have him look at this forum.
idealist
Member
Give him time to process it I was surprised that my primary male partner only took about three months to process and move forward into a polyamorous mindset. I would think, however, it could take a lot longer. The key is for him to feel that he has the space to process it and that he is not being forced.
Talking to SO about being polyamorous
How do I do it? I don't know if he'll be into it or not. I think he will be after I give him the positives, or he'll at least 'let me' be poly.
But really, tell me your stories. How did you bring it up? How'd it go? Has anyone left a partner because they wouldn't 'let' you be yourself/be poly? What's the best way to bring it up with a dude who has trouble saying what he actually thinks at times?
Thank you.
How do I do it? I don't know if he'll be into it or not. I think he will be after I give him the positives, or he'll at least 'let me' be poly.
But really, tell me your stories. How did you bring it up? How'd it go? Has anyone left a partner because they wouldn't 'let' you be yourself/be poly? What's the best way to bring it up with a dude who has trouble saying what he actually thinks at times?
Thank you.
sparklepop
New member
So you chickened out last night?
Just teasing.
My only experience of this is when I asked to be poly, without even knowing what poly was.
I'd been with my boyfriend, of the time, for 5 years. I met a girl and felt an intense attraction. I met her whilst I was away on a work thing for two weeks. I didn't act on it. I came home and cried to my best friend because I was so into this girl. ~laughs~ I behaved strangely around my boyfriend for a few days. Then I just basically told him I liked this girl so much and felt so guilty for liking her that I had to get it off my chest. I didn't expect anything more from it. Then he said, "Why don't you explore that, then?" And my poly world opened up.
My gf's story was different. She basically left it so long that she couldn't take it anymore. After about 8 years of marriage, she gave him the ultimatum of poly or divorce. Nice. ~looks left to right~
So basically... I think that the actual talk isn't the hard part. All the talk does is shows whether or not you are on the same page. Once the talk is out of the way, it's time to explore it and make lots of silly, selfish mistakes.
Have you done any reading about poly? Read The Ethical Slut, or anything like that? I think there is a sticky thread on here with resources. There's a good website too.... I think it's called More Than Two.
We made up all of our poly theory as we went along, and ran into a lot of problems in the beginning. We caused each other needless hurt because we were acting like wild single people instead of committed poly people.
Ultimately... I don't know how to best put this advice... but it just comes down to having the talk. Not when he's drunk or stoned. Yes, perhaps if you both go out to the pub and have some time together, that would be ok, because it's relaxed.
Be as sensitive as you can and give him space, if he needs it.
If he does actually go for it, for the love of God, don't just dive in a few days later. Take it slow.
The most important thing to remember is that it doesn't matter what his response is. What matters is that you are putting your need across, if this is something that you need. It's important that it's out there. There is no point in being with someone you are not compatible with, regardless of poly.
GOOD LUCK!
CielDuMatin
New member
Well, one way to not be completely surprised by their reaction when you bring it up is to talk about someone else (specific not made-up) that you have encountered who is poly - preferably someone who is making it work.
See what sort of reaction that gets. If you get a reaction like "These people are going to burn in the fieriest pits of hell, not only that I wouldn't want to even socialise with them", then you're subsequent conversation about YOU and your feelings would be very different that if they said "Wow, that's a cool concept, we should find out more!"
Obviously the true reaction is going to be something in between this, so you are going to need to read the non-verbal stuff carefully.
I'm not saying don't have the discussion, but maybe you need to do it in stages, not far apart....
See what sort of reaction that gets. If you get a reaction like "These people are going to burn in the fieriest pits of hell, not only that I wouldn't want to even socialise with them", then you're subsequent conversation about YOU and your feelings would be very different that if they said "Wow, that's a cool concept, we should find out more!"
Obviously the true reaction is going to be something in between this, so you are going to need to read the non-verbal stuff carefully.
I'm not saying don't have the discussion, but maybe you need to do it in stages, not far apart....
Tell me your stories.
Okay.
How did you bring it up? How'd it go?
"I like you. I want to date you. Here are some things you need to know about dating me though..."
And I gave the run-down I gave at the time as a single young woman:
Over the years it's become this. But it is much the same style.
Some were intimidated, and nixed it right off. They found the concept too new/bizarre/scary.
Some signed up, but then bailed when reality hit.
Some wanted to play, DESPITE the fact they were looking for something totally other -- like a WIFE, while I was looking for polyamory (though at the time I did not know that word, so I just used "not exclusive").
For some reason, they thought it meant I was automatically ... what?
I was not into swinging. And honest, good swinging also carries ethics!
I was not in it for the nookie for all. Sheesh. Shoo. You are weird. I changed my mind. Do NOT want to date you.
Some signed on, and I had lovely experiences. One of 'em I married.
DH and I are closed for now -- raising kids, eldercare for parents, plates are full. We started talking about it again lately and it was easy as pie because... well, I was honest when I met him decades ago! He's not surprised.
And we've been talking and enjoying it. There's stuff here there wasn't before, like a kid, a home, financial entanglements. If it sours, what would an amicable divorce be like? And so on. We keep it real, and in doing so, it fosters great emotional intimacy/security.
Has anyone left a partner because they wouldn't 'let' you be yourself be being poly?
Sure, but it was a dating partner, not my spouse. I have not had the experience of realizing I was polyamorous after already being married and having signed up for THIS type of relationship.
In my case, it was like, "Dude, I was honest from the get-go. I am not seeking exclusivity. I warned you about me, my wants, needs, limits. Did you think I was KIDDING when I said, 'Do not date me if this is not what you seek,' and, 'We can just be friends'? You cannot get mad at me for false advertising. You have to be mad at yourself for not listening. This is not my bag to hold."
I left that guy because he did not want to own that he did not listen, because he wanted to mold me into something I was not, rather than loving me and accepting me as I was. This was not soft-limit stuff I could negotiate. This was hard-limit stuff, like denying me my personhood, even after I laid it out in the front window, so to speak! I didn't want to sign up for THAT, so I checked out. It takes two to tango, and I decided I didn't want to dance there.
What's the best way to bring it up with a dude who has trouble saying what he actually thinks at times?
Ask him first how he wants to communicate on big talks. Set an appointment.
Do it by person, by phone, by email in written word, etc. Be in a space where both feel safe, respected, you aren't being interrupted by dogs, kids, flying aliens, TV, under work pressure, etc.
Then when the appointment comes, float it honestly, and speak your truth.
"So, I wanted to talk without interruption. This is me talking only. I am seeking your thoughts and feedback. I am not doing anything horrible, right? So I've been thinking/reading about polyamory. I'm curious to know your feelings, if any, on that."
Though honestly, I cannot see myself marrying a person who cannot communicate and get their thoughts across. I talk a LOT. It's a major love language thing of mine, words. I wouldn't make it past dating, because I'm not into the silent type. I need to be with another yammerer.
So, I'm just gonna go in there and speak my truth, whether it's hard to hear, or hard to get out, and I can only manage to say it in a whisper. It must be out there for clear communication to exist. BOTH have to lay it out on the table for any kind of interaction to be going on. I don't want a one-sided relationship. I want a two-sided back and forth thing going on.
Okay.
How did you bring it up? How'd it go?
"I like you. I want to date you. Here are some things you need to know about dating me though..."
And I gave the run-down I gave at the time as a single young woman:
- Do not lie to me. It's a dealbreaker. Hard truth it to me. I can take it.
- I am not exclusive right now. No interest.
- I am okay with you seeing other people. I expect to see others too, so fair is fair. Don't date me if that's not your scene. We can be friends.
- Just keep it clean, and give me a heads-up if it is looking to go "loverly" with another, so I can make an informed decision about my health BEFORE you go there. No unplanned babies or cooties. I feel this is reasonable expectation. Do not play with me if you can't hack that. Lies of omission are LIES.
- If one of your relationships is changing, I can check out, and we can be friends, or we can see about renegotiating with the new person, if this is going to be an overlapping thing. Just tell me the news. I will tell you mine.
- I do not need to know every little thing. I only get excited when it is time to get excited. Just tell me someone new is in the picture. After that, tell me when there's something to get excited about, like it is looking to go loverly. All the rest I don't need to know, if you don't want to tell, and some of it I don't want or even need to know. I will figure you are on same page, unless you tell me otherwise, with my others. We can fine-tune the specifics there.
- Repeat -- do not LIE. That's the quickest way to get me all excited in way you DO NOT WANT. Hard truth it to me or don't even bother to play here.
- What's on your calling card? What do I need to know about you and your wants, needs, limits? What are you looking for in relationship?
Over the years it's become this. But it is much the same style.
Some were intimidated, and nixed it right off. They found the concept too new/bizarre/scary.
Some signed up, but then bailed when reality hit.
Some wanted to play, DESPITE the fact they were looking for something totally other -- like a WIFE, while I was looking for polyamory (though at the time I did not know that word, so I just used "not exclusive").
For some reason, they thought it meant I was automatically ... what?
I was not into swinging. And honest, good swinging also carries ethics!
I was not in it for the nookie for all. Sheesh. Shoo. You are weird. I changed my mind. Do NOT want to date you.
Some signed on, and I had lovely experiences. One of 'em I married.
DH and I are closed for now -- raising kids, eldercare for parents, plates are full. We started talking about it again lately and it was easy as pie because... well, I was honest when I met him decades ago! He's not surprised.
"So, babe. I've been thinking about polyamory again. I know we agreed to be closed for this time of life. I'm still on board with that. But can we just talk about what it MIGHT be like if/when we get to another place and want to reassess? I was thinking... man. NO WAY it could be like when I was a footloose single. The married approach would have to take tweakies, no? Talk to me. What would the new plan be like?"
And we've been talking and enjoying it. There's stuff here there wasn't before, like a kid, a home, financial entanglements. If it sours, what would an amicable divorce be like? And so on. We keep it real, and in doing so, it fosters great emotional intimacy/security.
Has anyone left a partner because they wouldn't 'let' you be yourself be being poly?
Sure, but it was a dating partner, not my spouse. I have not had the experience of realizing I was polyamorous after already being married and having signed up for THIS type of relationship.
In my case, it was like, "Dude, I was honest from the get-go. I am not seeking exclusivity. I warned you about me, my wants, needs, limits. Did you think I was KIDDING when I said, 'Do not date me if this is not what you seek,' and, 'We can just be friends'? You cannot get mad at me for false advertising. You have to be mad at yourself for not listening. This is not my bag to hold."
I left that guy because he did not want to own that he did not listen, because he wanted to mold me into something I was not, rather than loving me and accepting me as I was. This was not soft-limit stuff I could negotiate. This was hard-limit stuff, like denying me my personhood, even after I laid it out in the front window, so to speak! I didn't want to sign up for THAT, so I checked out. It takes two to tango, and I decided I didn't want to dance there.
What's the best way to bring it up with a dude who has trouble saying what he actually thinks at times?
Ask him first how he wants to communicate on big talks. Set an appointment.
Do it by person, by phone, by email in written word, etc. Be in a space where both feel safe, respected, you aren't being interrupted by dogs, kids, flying aliens, TV, under work pressure, etc.
Then when the appointment comes, float it honestly, and speak your truth.
"So, I wanted to talk without interruption. This is me talking only. I am seeking your thoughts and feedback. I am not doing anything horrible, right? So I've been thinking/reading about polyamory. I'm curious to know your feelings, if any, on that."
Though honestly, I cannot see myself marrying a person who cannot communicate and get their thoughts across. I talk a LOT.
It's a major love language thing of mine, words. I wouldn't make it past dating, because I'm not into the silent type. I need to be with another yammerer. So, I'm just gonna go in there and speak my truth, whether it's hard to hear, or hard to get out, and I can only manage to say it in a whisper. It must be out there for clear communication to exist. BOTH have to lay it out on the table for any kind of interaction to be going on. I don't want a one-sided relationship. I want a two-sided back and forth thing going on.
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