Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion

More open-minded than I thought

I had the talk with my husband. After spending a day with a friend, who dispensed a lot of great advice and helped me get my thoughts in order, I went home to another planned night of lovemaking, that again got railroaded by these issues my husband has been having. That turned into drama, crying, basically a fight. It cemented the need to have this talk further. The next day, we finally had a make-up session, which was awesome. But even that cemented this polyamory need in my brain. I need more than my husband can possibly give. I give him more than he can absorb.

So I felt empowered to talk to him about it tonight. I started by asking:
How open-minded are we in our relationship?
Would we be open to bringing others in?
How would he react if I needed another lover?

He responded by saying that he acknowledged that he cannot give much more at this point in his life. He said that he would be open to learning more. I insisted that all terms be agreed upon, so nothing is hidden or in the dark. We are reading the resources together. We shall see how this goes.
 
RainbowDreamscape said:
How open-minded are we in our relationship? Would we be open to bringing others in? How would he react if I needed another lover?
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I love how respectfully you approached this. You said it in terms of "we," not "I," and I think that is a very good place to start in polyamory. It really is about both of you, when you start as a couple. The dynamic you will embark on is about everyone after that, and there are changes that come with it, but to know that it is about both of you from the beginning is very reassuring, I would think, for your partner.
RainbowDreamscape said:
He responded by saying that he acknowledged that he cannot give much more at this point in his life, and that he would be open to learning more. I insisted that all terms be agreed upon, so nothing is hidden or in the dark. We are reading the resources together. We shall see how this goes.
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Good for you doing this with him rather than without. If this new person that you foresee is to be made real and be a positive, then it is great that you are both on board! Now to boundary setting... Keep up the good work!
 
Update

I sent my hubby some links in a few emails today. He read them at work. We talked about it tonight. He said he is definitely not interested in "joining." I kept telling him: "It's not a group!" ;) He said he's supportive, but wants to stay mono, which I suspected.

As for me seeking other men, he was like: "Yeah, you could have a man who likes to cook, or a man who can fix computers. But I don't see myself finding a girl who can fix computers."

He also thinks this is a phase for me, and that I'm doing it because I'm bored. But he's supportive because it's a quest for happiness. He said if I meet someone from the "group" :rolleyes: that I have sex with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and it doesn't bring me happiness, then I'll forget it and the quest for happiness will continue somewhere else. Or if it does bring me happiness, then both ways, he wins. He just wants me to be happy.

He is going to start therapy soon, because he has major issues with communication. Tonight he admitted to it being a problem over our whole six years together. This is huge. To get him to admit any fault is such a miracle. So right there, I see that our relationship improving.
 
That initial polyamory discussion

I'd like to start a thread that maybe will draw out some experiences and wisdom from others that may help many people get over that initial step easier. This happens to be prompted by an intro post I just read that got me thinking. It's such a common struggle, and is an area that is so critical to navigate as best possible, if the prospects going forward can evoke as little pain and hardship as possible.

So the question is: how do you open the discussion of what polyamory really is and how to live it with your SO who is either mono-wired (if this is real), or has just never had the slightest exposure to the whole thought train and philosophy?

I can only offer up the experience of my mate and me as a starter. I was always poly-minded, at least since I took the time as a teenager to put some serious thought and study into what the word (and actions) of love really meant. The monogamous model, to my naturally analytical mind, was full of cracks and what appeared to me to be unrealistic expectations. It seemed doomed to struggle and failure in a majority of cases.

So, the fact that the girl that eventually became my mate was married to my best friend for a time before eventually being forced to deal with the connection we had, seemed to subject me to a test of my theory. Test passed with flying colors. Never any real jealousy, just acceptance.

Now, many years later, her first test.

Via what most would call a swinging connection (we dabbled in that a bit when the mood struck, both being highly sexual people), a woman appeared whom I discovered a strong connection with. This was a companied by typical NRE. It became obvious that there was more there between us than sex. At the point this was becoming obvious, my mate approached me with the killer question: "Do you love her?"

After a moment's consideration on what the correct answer to that question was, I decided that this was the time to cross this bridge once and for all. The answer was yes. This of course led to months of exploration of what that word really meant. A lot of painful struggle ensued. Because of complication on my mate's end, as well as the new girl's husband's end, we eventually had to have a painful break-up, for the good of the masses (families, mates, etc.). Painful as it was, we both agreed it was the right choice, for the greatest good.

You see, my mate, despite the open, free environment (sexually) we were raised in, was still very programmed about what the concept of love meant between two people. The programming specified pairing as the only real definition of what most refer to as romantic love. In that model, there simply was no space for more than two. The concept was that if there was anything less than lifelong infatuation (NRE) between two people, it meant the love wasn't real. This was/is the foundation of that belief system.

Crash, smash! Belief system is pieces. Crisis. Chaos. Pain.

It took time, and lots of learning and analyzing, identifying the source of the belief system (programming).

But we got there, so much stronger and so much more loved. Our relationship moved to a whole different level. Much clearer understanding of what our connection really is, and what it would and should mean to us in the future. That's our story.

How have any/all of you shined the light into that dark tunnel with your otherwise unsuspecting partner? What words and resources have you used to explain what was a complex revelation to them that was so simple to you?

Maybe this can help others who have yet to cross that bridge.
 
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I think that it depends on the circumstances. Wifey and I were having sexual interactions with women some time after our NRE came to a plateau. I was enjoying myself. One of our friends with benefits was at our house and I asked her, just hypothetically, if her family or spiritual beliefs would prevent her from being our girlfriend. The three of us talked about this at length. That relationship didn’t work because she wasn’t into women. ”It was just Wifey,” but really she was being with me through Wifey. But that is another story.

Our current girlfriend, our sweet sweet Nik, we just told her that if we were to ever have another girlfriend, that she would be it. She already had some knowledge about polyamory, because we had all been together sexually. She had just gotten out of a 5-year lez relationship. She and I had had a connection from our teenage days. So it just all fit. We talked about how much of a challenge it would be, and we ran with it. So far, we have been through a lot, but we are all very much in love with each other, and the bad stuff was all worth it.
 
Well, being in my situation, it's difficult to answer. Unlike the two previous posts, my husband and I have never previously discussed anything other than a "Christian" lifestyle. A few years ago, I came out and told him I have SSAs and was considering having a gf. We have been married 10 years, but have been together since I was 15. He was shocked and has still not definitively answered the "question," or explained what he thought.

After researching the LGBTQ community, I knew what I was looking for, another married women to have a relationship with, and not just play or swing with. I decided I wanted someone who would eventually meet my daughter and husband, maybe go on vacations with us, and be like family. My daughter would treat her like an aunt, etc. I would do the same for her family. I realized this sounded poly. So I started researching "polyamorous NY," and joined as many groups as I could find, trying to learn as much as possible.

I'm a straightforward person, so I totally told him right away that I was considering a polyamorous lifestyle. He still hasn't said anything, but I fully intend to pursue this. I am open and honest, so I just flat-out told him. But currently I'm still in limbo. I think he thinks because I haven't had any interactions with anyone who's poly or bisexual that it's not really going to happen. I think he's put it on the back burner. But we'll see.

This probably didn't provide the desired outcome some may wish for, so maybe my method of just flat-out telling your SO isn't the best. :ROFLMAO:
 
redrose129 said:
A few years ago, I came out and told him I have SSAs and was considering having a gf.
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Forgive my ignorance, what's SSAs?

This probably didn't provide the desired outcome some may wish for, so maybe my method of just flat-out telling your SO isn't the best.
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I haven't even gotten up the nerve to have the discussion with my husband yet. :rolleyes: I have left subtle hints, but he doesn't do well with hints. :p So probably I will have to say it flat out: this is what I want.
 
I flat-out told my husband (Maca), but after I'd had an affair. I had explained my understanding of love to Maca, which is different than his, many times prior to that. He already knew I was in love with GG before this came to a head.

I think my way sucked.

Ironically, in going through old letters (from 1992 to the present) that GG saved, I was talking about this lifestyle from that point on. But I didn't know what it was called. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I went into a lot of detail, explaining to GG that I just couldn't be his woman, because I "knew" he would want a wife, family, white picket fence, and I knew I just could not commit to that.

I figured out I was bisexual in 1992 or 1993. I'm not sure which. I could go look it up, but it's not important.

I honestly gave in to marriage because Maca gave me an ultimatum. It was dumb. I shouldn't have. It was devastating for both of us, and many other people, too.

I do love Maca. I do believe we are meant to be together. But by giving in to his ultimatum for marriage, I compromised my beliefs, "sold my soul to the devil," so to speak. It ruined me. After years of falling apart, I got low enough to have an affair, and couldn't seem to drag my ass out of the quicksand sucking me down.

When I finally figured out that the key to getting out of the quicksand was to lay flat and still, I wrote Maca a letter explaining. (We do better if we write, read, and think, then talk). Then I waited for him to read and talk to me. He got shitfaced drunk and passed out.

The rest is blogged on here.
 
SNeacail said:
Forgive my ignorance, what are SSAs?

I haven't even gotten up the nerve to have the discussion with my husband yet. I have left subtle hints, but he doesn't do well with hints, so I probably will have to say flat out, this is what I want.
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Hi there!! nice to meet you.

SSA = same sex attractions. I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations either. I only know that one because I came out as queer/bisexual first.

I was raised that telling the truth up front is always a hundred times better than getting caught in a lie. So I didn't tell him right away. I couldn't even understand why I was so sexually attracted to this lady. After researching and speaking with other LGBT women, married women, and bisexuals, I realized, oh jeez, I really was attracted to her. It was funny to think I couldn't believe I was attracted to her. lol. I shocked myself!

Anyway, I think the positive thing of doing it this way, and being completely upfront about what I'm researching, thinking, planning, has created a tiny little bit of trust. But it's still a slooooow process for us, I guess.

Luckily for the "adjustment period," there are no poly ladies or married bisexual ladies anywhere near me, so it hasn't come up, beyond my attractions for some straight women.
 
Very interesting. Wow.

LovingRadiance said:
I flat out told my husband (Maca), but it was after I'd had an affair. I had explained my understanding of love to him-which is different than his many times prior to that. He already knew I was in love with GG before this came to a head. I think my way sucked.

Ironically, in going through old letters (from 1992 to the present) that GG saved, I was talking about this lifestyle from that point on. But I didn't know what it was called. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I went into a lot of detail explaining to GG that I just couldn't be his woman because I "knew" he would want a wife, family, white picket fence and I knew I just could not commit to that.

I figured out I was bisexual in 1992 or 1993.

I honestly gave in to marriage because Maca gave me an ultimatum. It was dumb. I shouldn't have. It was devastating for both of us, and many other people, too. I do love Maca. I do believe we are meant to be together. But by giving in to his ultimatum for marriage, I compromised my beliefs, "sold my soul to the devil," so to speak. It ruined me. After years of falling apart, I got low enough to have an affair... I wrote Maca a letter explaining, and waited for him to read and talk to me. He got drunk and passed out.
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Interesting. Horrifying. :( I'm a huge promoter of being upfront and honest. I learned the hard way.
 
I can't remember exactly. We had a number of discussions over about two years (I think), until in the end I met someone, and everything was more concrete and simple then.

It helped a lot that he fell in love with someone else too, after a point, and switched from, "I don't think that would ever work for me," to "Wait, I'm poly too!"

It was hard at first, though. He did take it personally. I think the fact that we stayed together showed him that it wasn't about him. Meeting someone helped him understand my feelings, too, so that was really good, even if it didn't turn out in the end.
 
Monogamy is very strongly programmed. Anything different is strongly condemned in our culture. I think it's unrealistic to have "the poly talk" with anyone you're seriously monoamorously dating and expect a positive result. I've tried that, many times, dating someone, deciding to get serious, and then having "the talk." It has not worked. If your partner doesn't know anything about polyamory already, and has never thought of venturing into unexplored romantic territory themselves, and a serious partner starts talking to them about it, it will feel to them that they are being blindsided.

I tried having monoamorous relationships after college, but they were not for me, and "the talk," no matter how it was approached, was death to what should have been serious relationships. So I made a decision not to date anyone who wasn't already polyamorous, or otherwise responsibly non-monogamous, or at least have the talk before any dating occurred (and then only if the other person seemed genuinely interested in the idea). I wasn't willing to settle for monoamory, and I saw that I was hurting people by having relationships with them when their expectations were so radically different. This policy has worked out well, so far.
 
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Ready2Fly said:
Monogamy is very strongly programmed. Anything different is strongly condemned in our culture. I think it's unrealistic to have "the poly talk" with anyone you're seriously monogamously dating and expect a positive result.
.... I tried having monoamorous relationships, but they were not for me, and "the talk," no matter how it was approached, was death to what should have been serious relationships.
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Hey Ready,

Ah yes, interesting point. I think there is a big difference between starting off in a relationship, and the "talk" that would need to occur, and being in an existing relationship that was (theoretically) founded in monogamy. So in effect, it seems we have two talks that, although similar, are going to have different sensitivities.

I would think that when starting a new relationship, if the talk scared someone away, then it might be best, before anyone had invested any significant amount of time and energy into a dead-end path. Who knows? Once the seed of illumination is planted, the other party might be inclined to do some studying themselves, and the future might be different.

But if you signed on to a monoamorous relationship, only to later discover poly, now we have a very different "talk." How to bring up the subject without it appearing to convey some dissatisfaction with, or failing in the other party?

And it's not always that way, at all! Polyamory can be discovered even in a relationship that is really good. But something just feels right, and beckons for exploration. Yes, a very different conversation indeed.

I think it would start most gracefully in a manner such as-- "Hey honey, guess what I was reading today?" (hopefully in some reputable source). "Check this out. What do you think?"

For many, I think this is pretty close to discovery reality. Came across it in some media/book reference. Sparked a curiosity. Maybe came across someone they knew that either came (or slipped) out.

(Damn, this wording is getting kind of lewd, isn't it? :))

Anyway... Different talks. But I feel all can be approached in a non-threatening manner, if you think a little beforehand.

Keep 'em coming.
 
Talking about it

After a lot of working up to the topic, I talked to the wife of 35 years and explained the feelings I had. It went pretty good.

Gawd, how I care for her and want her to understand!

Trying to understand it myself.

Then I started doing research, and was shocked at how poly feelings are just what I was telling her I felt. Open and honest relationships among and between adults. Sex as "cheating" does not fit.

I'm not having sex with anyone other than with my wife -- and she and I enjoy it at least once almost every day. Nor is there necessarily another particular woman I'm attracted to, although there have been some arousing moments that felt perfectly right.
 
Welcome Pete,

Well, the statistics are in. Guess what? We are not naturally a monogamous species.

Okay. So now, after the enlightenment, what's next ? :)
 
redpepper said:
Well the jury is out on that I think. I don't think the monogamous members here would agree.
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Some artists paint all humanity with the same color of their own internal workings, usually because they can't imagine anything different from themselves. That's just as natural as monogamy or non-monogamy.
 
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