Proposition made me feel discomfort. Overreaction?

B

bluemeanie

New member
Hey guys. I've been poly for ~3 years and I recently started hanging out with a group of "poly-friendly" people. As a side note, I do sex work to get by, I'm a full time adult streamer and run a few subscription style pages for multiple income streams. This is relevant later.

I was sitting around with 2 guys from the group just chatting. One of them, Sean, knew what I did for work. The other one, Alan, did not. I mention non-specifically that I was tired from working so much, kind of forgetting Alan's presence. And of course, he asks what I do (D'oh). I tell him. He raises his eyebrows, says that's really cool. Sean cuts in and muses about how odd it is that so many people get weird about this stuff, and that is nice we can all be adults about it. Alan agrees and kind of trails off while he does. Topic changes, evening continues, it's a fun night.

I get home. At 2 AM I see a dm from Alan. It says this:

"Hey Lily, Sorry to bother you at such an hour, but I had a question if you're still awake.
I'm going to go way out on a limb here, so please let me know if I'm crossing any boundaries.
I think you're super cute, and would love to have someone I can trust to explore my sexuality with, so since you were comfortable enough to tell me what you did for work I figured I could be comfortable asking if that's something you'd be interested in. No pressure. If you're not interested, that's completely fine. But I wanted to shoot my shot just in case."

I thank him for his honesty and turn him down, citing poly-saturation at this time. I have no time for romantic or even sexual relationships. He says he's disappointed but understands.

But I'm sitting on it...and it's *bothering* me. I feel pretty weirded out by the timing of it, the phrasing of it, and his response to my rejection. We have barely talked before this instance and he's all of a sudden propositioning me to help him sexually...after he finds out I do porn. Again, after we have BARELY talked one-on-one. Does this feel demeaning to you guys or am I overreacting?

Side note: I've talked to both my husband and bf about this. Husband feels pretty weird about the way it was done. Bf thinks this guy is a straight up bad person and was pretty upset on my behalf. Idk. I need help because I don't trust my own judgement.
 
I think what is weird about the offer is some boundary blurring. Like, is he asking you out or is he asking for your professional service? Is he hoping to get said professional service for free because you know each other?

"I'm a web developer." "Oh, my personal page needs some tweeking, would you look at it?" See? Are they asking a favor or offering business? Already weird blurred boundaries, no sex work or gender stuff involved.

But the person asking isn't necessary coming from a bad place. They just have a need or want and they've perhaps missed the others' point of view.

You turned him down, so hopefully that's that.
 
Tinwen said:
I think what is weird about the offer is some boundary blurring. Like, is he asking you out or is he asking for your professional service? Is he hoping to get said professional service for free because you know each other?

"I'm a web developer." "Oh, my personal page needs some tweeking, would you look at it?" See? Are they asking a favor or offering business? Already weird blurred boundaries, no sex work or gender stuff involved. But the person asking isn't necessary coming from a bad place, they just have a need or want and they're perhaps missed the others' point of view.

You turned him down, so hopefully that's that.
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I understand what you're saying. I also am entirely unsure whether he was trying to elicit actual services, or initiate some kind of relationship? It sounded like a purely physical thing to benefit him, though. But I didn't ask to clarify, because I didn't want him to feel that I was more interested than I was. It was confusing. To be clear, I don't offer in-person sex services and that was very explicit in the initial conversation. Just online porn.

I don't dislike this person, just a little more wary about them going forward.
 
I think he was doing exactly what he said he was...shooting his shot and yes, asking for sex. I've encountered this before. Let me guess. Alan is over 35, probably closer to 55. He's been married to his high school sweetheart and they are either not long divorced, or they have opened up and he's trying to explore all the things he feels he's missed out on due to long term monogamy. He's quite clueless when it comes to dating in the 2020s because he's out of practice. He understands consent culture but will frequently use the most polite version he can think of for a request, which sometimes means he doesn't say precisely what he's wanting. He's not quite realised that polyamory =/= promiscuity yet, so he's "shooting his shot" whenever he finds someone attractive. But he's focused on the sexual aspect because he's quite new to the whole thing and is teetering on "kid in a candy store" syndrome.

How many did I get?
 
It's weird, because instead of looking at the person and getting to know them, he's focused on the sex part. Which is not what polyamory is really about.

He didn't have to mention your job position in the text, but he did because that was the catalyst of sending the message and thought because of what you do you were "cool" about it.
 
LaminarFlow said:
It's weird, because instead of looking at the person and getting to know them, he's focused on the sex part. Which is not what polyamory is really about.

He didn't have to mention your job position in the text, but he did because that was the catalyst of sending the message and thought because of what you do you were "cool" about it.
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Yeah. I'm second guessing whether he's actually poly. Maybe he just wants to scope out FWB within a poly group because he thinks it'll be easier? Not sure.

RIght again. I wonder if he thinks I might throw myself at him because of that. I don't actually love dating and am really sparse with partners in general, ironically. Don't crave high sexual variability. More into strong emotional bonds that then make the sex amazing with the few people I'm super in love with. Soooo, this message was just everything I don't really "get". Haha.
 
bluemeanie said:
I don't actually love dating and am really sparse with partners in general, ironically. Don't crave high sexual variability. More into strong emotional bonds that then make the sex amazing with the few people I'm super in love with. Soooo, this message was just everything I don't really "get". Haha.
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Yeah, just incompatible. He probably wasn't even looking for actual "dating", just thought you might be cool with casual sex because you do sex work - and if you aren't, at least you'll be cool with the question, right?
Well, wrong 😂 But it was just an assumption.
 
Hey, I'm not a sex worker of any kind, but I am polyamorous. I used to be on dating sites a lot before I got with my two long-term partners. I got propositioned for sex every freaking day, by men who thought poly="will fuck any Tom, Dick or Harry," or they just thought, "Woman... hole... I will ask if I can put my dick in it, with no preliminaries whatsoever."
 
I want to add more.

I wasn't sure at first if this meeting/hang-out you had with the two men was in person. Apparently it was. Also, you are new to this irl group for poly people. I'm glad you found our board to air out your grievances.

I'd say most (meat space) polyamory groups have to contend with horny men who come to meetings just to get laid, especially if these groups are open to both swingers and polyamorists. You have to be very clear with your boundaries to avoid being bothered by these men. Sometimes they can "seduce" several women, one after another, or simultaneously, by saying and doing "the right things," only to be just out for sex (and probably dumping a woman once the thrill of the chase is gone, immediately moving on to the next). Once several of their victims exchange notes, these men will (or should) get banned by the mods of the group. (Then they'll find another group, and it starts over again.)

I've never been in one of these irl groups, but my bf Aries currently is, and has been. A former mod here from years back, Redpepper, was also in an irl group open to both swingers and poly folk. I wouldn't be comfortable in a group that served both populations, because the swingers are focused on casual hookups, or FBWs, whereas the poly folk are often more like you (and me), more into it for the love, and the sex that we enjoy with people we care deeply for, not just "sport sex."

So, again, I'm glad you're here so you can explore where your boundaries lie, and get comfortable being exceedingly clear with those possible horny horndogs in your group (or in other irl situations). You might run into this guy again? You might want to be extremely clear in case he shoots his shot again, with you, or with other poly women, for that matter.

Polyamory is very misunderstood, in general. Folks that are new to it, or are just horny, confuse and blur the boundaries a lot.

Adding in that you do sex videos for a living makes it all that much more confusing, I'd expect.
 
"Does this feel demeaning to you guys or am I overreacting?"

You can feel what you feel, but I highly doubt his intention was to demean you. He's just a bit clueless.
 
The story as you stated it does come off a bit self-serving of Alan, and as the previous poster stated, you feel what you feel and there is no wrong in that. But at the same time, it is not easy for someone to open up like that. If there was no mention of your work that evening and he asked you the same question that evening without mention of your work, would you still feel the discomfort?
 
Hello bluemeanie,

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable, that was way too forward of Alan to do that. Just because you do sex work, doesn't mean you are open to any proposition. It's like Alan is getting off thinking about your professional side, and wants even more. He is objectifying you. You are not overreacting.

Just my 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
abigail said:
The story as you stated it does come off a bit self-serving of Alan, and as the previous poster stated, you feel what you feel and there is no wrong in that. But at the same time, it is not easy for someone to open up like that. If there was no mention of your work that evening and he asked you the same question that evening without mention of your work, would you still feel the discomfort?
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I don't think I would. He had been trying to date someone else in the circle previously(they actually went on a date). The woman wasn't interested, and they remained friends. I was never even offered a date. 😬
 
I don't like that he contacted you at 2am. Those late calls or messages usually means someone's just drunk and trying desperately to get laid, in my experience, no matter how "nice" he tried to sound.
 
Magdlyn said:
I don't like that he contacted you at 2am. Those late calls or messages usually means someone's just drunk and trying desperately to get laid, in my experience, no matter how "nice" he tried to sound.
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Possibly. I for myself picture the poor anxious guy crafting the message for two hours straight to get "the most polite version he can think of" to cite Evie :D (I take impossibly long times to craft polite emails all the time :D), then seeing the clock and going "ouch" but sending it anyway :D

Just pointing out the inherent ambiguity of having little info.
 
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