Protection Question

S

stargazer415

New member
This is my first time in a polyamorous relationship. My husband and I have been together and monogamous for 13 years. We agreed that he would start a relationship with a trans female. We are learning how to set boundaries and communicate, and because I am pregnant, I insisted that any partners of his be tested before they have sex. The relationship began to get physical, and I did not make myself 100% clear or ask questions for clarification. I just found out that two days ago, he gave her a blowjob without a condom. She did not ejaculate. Since then, he and I have kissed and done every other kind of sexual activity. Am I at risk for an STI? He said he thought it would be fine because she didn’t ejaculate, but I feel very scared and upset with myself for not being more explicit. Please help! I really want this foray into polyamory to work for us.
 
The chances of catching an STI from oral sex are much lower than from penis in vagina or anus sex, but it is still possible.

STD Facts - STD Risk and Oral Sex

Can STDs be spread by Oral Sex? How Common is Oral Sex? Is Oral Sex safer than vaginal or anal sex? What may increase risk? What can I do to prevent transmission?
www.cdc.gov www.cdc.gov

Don't panic. Have your husband and his new gf get tested for STIs asap. Until they both get all negative results, refrain from sex with your husband, or make sure to use condoms.

It's always a good idea for both partners to get tested BEFORE they engage in any kind of sex. Of course, herpes can be passed by kissing, but herpes is more of an annoyance than a real health problem and a large percentage of people catch it as kids from sharing toys or drinks.
 
STIs are tricky because some are caused by fluids (fluid traveling through urethra in penises) and some are transmitted on contact so could be transferred even by hand, although rare. Most transmitted on contact are lesion or rash based such as herpes and syphilis. Also, pre cum can pass fluid based infections as most infections are actually in the urethra so unprotected oral sex on a penis can pass essentially anything.

The key is having open conversations with any and all partners about history, risk factors, and testing which is an uncomfortable skill that MUST be learned. Most mono people don’t have a lot of experience talking about these things comfortably.

just some friendly advice….because you are pregnant and now is a very high risk time for you to get anything, I would recommend the full battery of tests for your husband AND the new partner. Then exclusive barrier use while you are pregnant.

I don’t ever think there’s a reason to freak out. STIs are treatable, but it’s better to prevent right now than treat. Just have them get tested so you’ll know. Also, most doctors don’t include herpes tests any more because most people have it and it’s overly stigmatized. Ensure that this test is done. Knowing herpes in in the mix can help with partners identifying breakouts (protecting you by not having sex during breakouts) and even getting on antivirals to prevent breakouts. Having herpes during pregnancy is very high risk for the baby If there’s a breakout during birth.

I'm amazed at how many people have herpes and don’t know it. I’ve had partners that were completely unaware.

Know that oral transference of STIs is less common, and even less common from mouth to vulva. If he didn’t have any penetrative sex with her and she didn’t give him oral sex (no contact with his penis) then he can’t pass anything to you through penetrative (p-in-v or p-in-a) sex. You are most likely to catch from deep kissing, as they infect the throat with oral sex.
 
Off topic, but most transwomen I know wouldn't like oral sex on them to be called a "blowjob." That is not gender affirming.
 
Hello stargazer415,

I don't have any advice, other than to visit Wikipedia and read up on STI's. But I do want to say that you have my sympathies, I think it's rotten for your husband to be so careless about safer sex. Get tested, and I hope your tests come back negative.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn said:
Off topic, but most transwomen I know wouldn't like oral sex on them to be called a "blowjob." That is not gender affirming.
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Thank you for that insight, Magdlyn. I am new to a lot of terminology. What is the appropriate way to indicate that he had oral contact with her penis?
 
Magdlyn said:
Of course, herpes can be passed by kissing, but herpes is more of an annoyance than a real health problem and a large percentage of people catch it as kids from sharing toys or drinks.
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Herpes is far more than an “annoyance” for neonates.
 
Inaniel said:
Herpes is far more than an “annoyance” for neonates.
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The number of poly people planning to conceive is quite small at any one time. That's just not relevant for a lot of people who are poly and not of childbearing age.

The chances of me kissing a newborn baby any time soon is really quite small. I don't make a habit of kissing babies and I don't know all that many people who are planning to become parents any more.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
The number of poly people planning to conceive is quite small at any one time. That's just not relevant for a lot of people who are poly and not of childbearing age.

The chances of me kissing a newborn baby any time soon is really quite small. I don't make a habit of kissing babies and I don't know all that many people who are planning to become parents any more.
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None of that changes the fact that newborns die from herpes infections every year.

Herpes keratitis causes blindness in adults and it’s probably more common than you realize. About 40,000 cases of blindness annually according to the NCBI. Is that significant enough to be relevant for poly people?

I’m wondering how devastating a disease must be around here to be considered a “real health problem”…
 
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Inaniel said:
None of that changes the fact that newborns die from herpes infections every year.

Herpes keratitis causes blindness in adults and it’s probably more common than you realize. Those afflicted don’t walk around gushing about their eye-herpes. Is that significant enough to be relevant for poly people?
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And that's why they advise that no adults kiss newborns because most have HSV1 by adulthood.

This is nothing to do with poly people or this non-cis woman and the person's husband. That's just what they recommend now.
 
It’s a human disease so it’s relevant to everyone. Poly or not. In my life the only person I have encountered saying herpes is not a “real health problem” happens to be poly. And this person happens to be telling this to a pregnant person, and that is why I am speaking up at this moment in time and space.

You can continue thinking it’s non-relevant, OP gets to decide that for themself.
 
Inaniel said:
It’s a human disease so it’s relevant to everyone. Poly or not. In my life the only person I have encountered saying herpes is not a “real health problem” happens to be poly. And this person happens to be telling this to a pregnant person, and that is why I am speaking up at this moment in time and space.

You can continue thinking it’s non-relevant, OP gets to decide that for themself.
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If you want to protect your baby from herpes, you'd restrict kissing from anyone. That's the bottom line.

Whether the person is mono or poly l, cis, straight, child or adult, it doesn't matter.

Yes herpes is a real problem for newborns but the risk factor for this neonate getting herpes hasn't risen significantly because their dad gave someone a BJ. That's why I'm saying it's wholly irrelevant to the conversation.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
And that's why they advise that no adults kiss newborns because most have HSV1 by adulthood.

This is nothing to do with poly people or this non-cis woman and the person's husband. That's just what they recommend now.
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OP is currently pregnant. If she gets herpes while pregnant, the risks to unborn fetus are higher than if they had herpes before getting pregnant. and if it is passed on during birth is the highest risk of danger to the baby. It can get in the eyes, throat, cause brain damage or even death. The risk is highest if it’s contracted during the third trimester As antibodies that can protect the baby haven’t been made yet and passed on through the placenta. I wasn’t talking about kissing them after they are born.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Yes herpes is a real problem for newborns but the risk factor for this neonate getting herpes hasn't risen significantly because their dad gave someone a BJ. That's why I'm saying it's wholly irrelevant to the conversation.
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Maybe some people feel more passionately about being able to kiss a newborn. Maybe OP needing to restrict father from kissing the newborn is relevant to them. Different people feel differently about this.

As new herpes infections are usually less controlled, harder to diagnose, miss-diagnosed ect… If dad gets herpes at this stage it can be a *real health concern because dad is likely to kiss the baby.

I am all about de-stigmatizing herpes, but saying it’s a “not a real health risk” is miss-informing people. Especially new parents. So I disagree, I think this conversation is very relevant to the type of information that is being shared in this thread, primarily because of OPs circumstances.
 
Bobbi said:
OP is currently pregnant. If she gets herpes while pregnant, the risks to unborn fetus are higher than if they had herpes before getting pregnant. and if it is passed on during birth is the highest risk of danger to the baby. It can get in the eyes, throat, cause brain damage or even death. The risk is highest if it’s contracted during the third trimester As antibodies that can protect the baby haven’t been made yet and passed on through the placenta. I wasn’t talking about kissing them after they are born.
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Yes i understand herpes. I am saying that the baby is at risk of herpes from everyone. That is why they say not to kiss babies.

The fact that the husband gave someone a blowjob who wasn't tested has not increased the risk significantly. The risk comes from close friends and family who already have herpes. They are who is much more likely to see the baby, kiss the baby, etc.

The chances of the dad previously having a negative status, catching it from this one encounter, and passing it to the baby is tiny.

Sure, he might have already had it like most adults and he may pass it to the baby. But the chances of THIS encounter being the thing that leads to the baby getting herpes isn't worth discussing.
 
Inaniel said:
Maybe some people feel more passionately about being able to kiss a newborn. Maybe OP needing to restrict father from kissing the newborn is relevant to them. Different people feel differently about this.

As new herpes infections are usually less controlled, harder to diagnose, miss-diagnosed ect… If dad gets herpes at this stage it can be a *real health concern because dad is likely to kiss the baby.

I am all about de-stigmatizing herpes, but saying it’s a “not a real health risk” is miss-informing people. Especially new parents. So I disagree, I think this conversation is very relevant to the type of information that is being shared in this thread, primarily because of OPs circumstances.
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Medical advice is not to kiss newborns because of herpes. Surely that's more important than one's "passion" for kissing newborns.

The dad probably had herpes before the encounter like most adults.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Medical advice is not to kiss newborns because of herpes. Surely that's more important than one's "passion" for kissing newborns.

The dad probably had herpes before the encounter like most adults.
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The OP probably knows if dad already has herpes. If so, maybe it’s irrelevant. But if dad does not have herpes it could be relevant.

I am the offspring of a neonatologist. I have myself worked in NICUs and L&D, I’m not a medical professional. But I have been at the bedside. I know these conversations happen as a result of risk factors, doctors don’t go around telling new parents not to kiss their babies unless an apparent risk to the baby exists.

We can agree to disagree. This is just my opinion based on my own experiences.

I do not understand why you have singled me out. If you recognize that medical advice is to refrain from kissing babies if you have HSV, and you recognize that it is a *real health concern. Why do you take issue with what I have to say, but not with Mags statement which described herpes being some irrelevant nuisance and not a real health issue?

Do you find what I have to say more harmful in some way?
 
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