Psychology - It's making a fool out of me.

[Caughtupandwasted]

Hi
Not sure what I am looking to get out of posting here... Maybe guidance, maybe just a place for someone to listen. Polyamory is completely new to me, and I am not sure if it is even something I would actually like to pursue.

All of my previous relationships have been monogamous, including the one I have been in for the last 3 years. I have always "struggled" with being faithful in my relationships because although I have deep love for the person I am with, I always feel like something is missing. Obviously after being unfaithful and dishonest to my monogamous partners I end up feeling overwhelmingly guilty and thoroughly disgusted with myself.

I have only recently started to try and understand more about a polygamous lifestyle, and my current partner has no idea that I am even interested. My infidelity has never been out of spite or the desire to leave my current partner because there are so many qualities I love about him that I would not want to spend my life without. BUT, (yes, isn't there always a but?) there are also many other qualities I desire in a partner that he does not necessarily have. This feeling has remained true for all of my relationships. No two people are the same, and how could I possibly expect to find everything I love all in one singular person?

I've got all the typical phrases stuck in my head ... "You can't have your cake and eat it too." or "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." I am stuck in the endless cycle of back and forth and I'm trying to make sense of all these jumbled thoughts.

On one hand, to me there is something tantalizing and typically romantic about having one partner that you share everything, that one special person, the one and only, you know whole ordeal we tell ourselves. Alternatively, I often wonder how freeing it would be to open and honestly love more than one person without the guilt and shame attached to it.

I've been told that "Infidelity in your relationships is derived from having a hole inside yourself that you're trying to fill with unhealthy coping mechanisms." But what if it wasn't? What if I could intensely love more than one person at once?

I am not sure that I will ever know, but I will remain in the shadows here, and perhaps if you are willing, you will share your stories of how you found or were introduced to polygamy. What trials did you face with any monogamous partners or even with family members?

Sincerely,
Caughtupandwasted

 

[Polyglamorous]

Hello,

I am in a similar situation, actually almost the exact situation. There is more experienced people who will have a lot better advice but I think the big thing to think about is would you be okay with your partner or partners being with other people too? If your answer is yes, then polamory is probably something for you.

 

[Shaya]

Hi. Welcome to our forums. Psychology indeed does have it's use but sometimes can also misfire when psychoanalysing.

You seem to be saying that your counsellor(s) have discussed with you that your infidelity may be a way to "plug a hole" in you, that your repeated infidelity and the way you seek new romantic attractions even when hurting those you love could be a reflection of something you're missing in you. If psychologists are saying this (and i have no idea if they are or aren't), they are probably wondering if you had a childhood that left you with abandonment issues. I went through the logic in more depth here (post 5 and 6). In essence, I describe the insecure attachment style of fearful avoidant (Google it). A subset of these people may sometimes be classified as sex addicts, or NRE addicts, though I don't like either term.

If this describes you, poly could be challenging because imagining your partner leaving you for the romantic interest of someone else may make you feel insecure or unloved again. I'm not saying it's impossible to do poly if this is the case, but if you want to date other people but can't imagine letting your partner do the same, then poly may not be a lifestyle choice that is ideal for you.

If this doesn't describe you at all, and you feel you may be able to love two at once without diminishing your first relationship, then the psychologists may have misfired when aiming their psychoanalysis at you. In this case, welcome to healthy polyamory.

In summary, in the absence of significant abandonment issues that psychologists were trying to guess at in you, you may be well suited to polyamory. Polyamory will not be impossible If you have a few such issues, but it may be harder. There are of course other issues that might make you suited or unsuited to polyamory, but your opening post seemed to ask about the psychology of discarding old relationships for a new one, and your hang up with psychology seemed to be the biggest question you were asking.

Hope that helps.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are struggling. You sound mixed up.

If cheating leads to you feeling guilt/shame stuff? Stop cheating for now. Don't add more upset to the pile you already have.

If you want to stay with your current partner and eventually ask for changing to an Open/poly model? You could come clean about the cheating and the inability to maintain monogamous/exclusive promises.

Whether or not they want to pursue this with you? I'd suggest you no longer make monogamous/exclusive promises to any future dating partners. Then you are being honest and don't have to deal with guilt/shame stuff.

I've got all the typical phrases stuck in my head ... "You can't have your cake and eat it too." or "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." I am stuck in the endless cycle of back and forth and I'm trying to make sense of all these jumbled thoughts.

Here's what I think.

Can I have my cake and eat it too? Can I be with one partner and have the ability to date others? Sure I can. I just have to be clear with all participants that this is how I want to be, and if they are up for it and consent... then there. That's how it is.

Is the grass greener on the other side? That assumes I sit around comparing partners to see which is "better."

• In one way -- yes. When I had two partners, one was better at some things than the other. He was better at dealing with my temper and calling me on my stuff. But the other was better at acceptance. He struggled less being in a V than the first.

• In another way -- no. Every person brings certain strengths and weakness in their relating skills to a dynamic. That isn't better or worse -- it's just how it is. Different people are different.

And when you have more than 1 partners, that's more people to have to attend to. Love may be infinite but time and energy and dating money is not. Having less partners is sometimes a plus because there's less people to deal with and you have more time left over for other things. Yourself, hobbies, friends, etc. So sometime the "greener side" of grass is in having fewer partners rather than more. (To me anyway.)

On one hand, to me there is something tantalizing and typically romantic about having one partner that you share everything, that one special person, the one and only, you know whole ordeal we tell ourselves.

I guess I wonder why you sit around telling yourself things that you find to be an "ordeal." Why do that?

You make it sound like you can only share all of yourself or be "authentic you" with one person. You are not able to be authentic you all the time with all persons you encounter?

If you "share everything" with a romantic partner, I would assume that includes the desire to be non-monogamous and the desire to have other partners. That being Open/poly is another thing you share. The way you write I get the vibe you mean it more like "I am willing to share everything except...."

Is that true? If so... Why hold back? If they are supposed to be your nearest and dearest... why not just be up front?

Alternatively, I often wonder how freeing it would be to open and honestly love more than one person without the guilt and shame attached to it.

I wonder what stops you from saying to potentials/partners -- "I don't want to practice monogamy. I don't want to be exclusive. I want to be with you. I also want the ability to date and love other people. Could you be up for that?"

I've been told that "Infidelity in your relationships is derived from having a hole inside yourself that you're trying to fill with unhealthy coping mechanisms."

Is that how you are using infidelity? As some kind of "hole filler" or "coping tool?" What's the hole you are trying to fill? Or the thing you are trying to cope with?

But what if it wasn't? What if I could intensely love more than one person at once?

Well... what of it? Go ahead and love more than one person at once if you want to.

You could start by not cheating on the ones you are with. Since cheating on agreements isn't especially loving behavior towards them.

I am not sure that I will ever know, but I will remain in the shadows here, and perhaps if you are willing, you will share your stories of how you found or were introduced to polygamy. What trials did you face with any monogamous partners or even with family members?

To me this sounds less about open/poly and more about you having the confidence to just go ahead and lead your life as you see fit.

I grew up knowing all kinds of people. It isn't so much that I was introduced to poly in particular. I just observed ways people related. Some relatives and friends were monogamous. Some were not. Some cheated on agreements. Some did not. Some stayed together. Some did not.

To me it seemed less about the relationship shapes they were in (mono, poly or other) and more about their ability to only make agreements/promises they could keep. Not make promises that they couldn't actually do. The ones that did that? Usually made a mess.

I haven't had any big trials. I guess I just don't linger in poor situations long enough for it to become a "big trial." If something just doesn't work? I don't keep trying to force it or bang my head on walls. To me it is easier to accept we are not compatible and part ways.

I don't go shouting it from street corners, but friends and family who know my position on relationships? Either agree with me or don't agree with me.

One friend once got all huffy telling me poly never will work and she's much to jealous a person to deal in that. I said "That's fine. You can have your relationships be how you want. Just like I can have mine how I want. That's fair enough." I've seen many examples where it doesn't work, and examples where it does. So... my opinion is that some work and some don't. I'm not going to say poly relationships NEVER work. Me and my friend don't have to have the same opinion on that.

Other friends have either been poly in the past, are currently poly or are not poly but come from the place of "Not for me, but whatever works for you."

As for my family? It's "too late." They've already seen me living my life "different" for so long on so many other things that they are used to it now.

I was the first to leave Church. A lot of fussing that I was going to hell. Then what happened? I'm still not in hell, and I'm the only church goer in the family now. Weird, huh? I took a break when I realized the first path didn't suit me, then changed denominations to one that did. But my leaving first eventually resulted in everyone else also actually evaluating their spiritual needs rather than "doing church on auto pilot." They all left also. None have found their new thing, but that's their journey. Not mine.

First to live in sin, first to go vegetarian, first to graduate college... just a lot of stuff I did "different" in my life. They used to wig out any time I did anything and now? Now it's just "There she goes again. Doing stuff different. Whatever." Whether it was how I parent, how I work, how I do my lawn, my relationships... Nobody bats an eye any more.

It IS freeing to just lead your life as you see fit. The only one that has to like it is YOU.

Galagirl

 

[Spork]

All of the responses are very true.

Cheating is not fair, not loving, and it makes you feel bad because you know this. But there are risks with any path...

- If you keep cheating you could be caught, and there would be a blowup and hurt and likely a relationship end.
- If you come clean about the cheating, maybe your partner can work through and forgive, maybe not. Maybe there is a blowup, and hurt, and likely a relationship end.
- If you stop cheating, you still have to either keep your secrets (heavy burdens, as you can tell since you're sharing them here...realize, every time you share, the chance of being caught increases)...or you come clean, to uncertain result.
- If you want to do honest, ethical poly? You pretty much do have to come clean. And it will be hard, unless your partner is of a very fluid and flexible mindset, it will be hard for most people to accept that you simply need others and it is ok. I can do this, but most people I know, would struggle. Even poly people struggle with knowing they were deceived and promises broken.

(I am a bit different. I would rather say, "You did not have to hide the truth from me. You are safe to tell me the truth. I forgive the lies, please feel safe with me. We can work out compromises to meet your needs, without the secrecy and the shame." But I was ALWAYS this way. Have told many partners, before I ever heard the word "polyamory" that I did not care if they had other women in their lives, I only asked for honesty and consideration.)

The odds that you will be able to confess the affairs, recover, and go on to healthy poly...they are slim odds, but not nonexistent.

I have also known cheaters who did not WANT to be ethically poly, for whom the game of risk and secrets was part of what made the affair sexy. I'm not very comfortable with that.

To speak to the attachment styles and insecurity that Shaya mentions...

A thing I have seen in myself and others, that can lead to the cheating out of these psychological issues, is a need for new validation because it is hard to have real, clean faith in your own ability to be loved, deserve love, receive love. This is rooted in childhood stuff. Seeking desire in the eyes of a new person, those little boosts of self esteem are affirming. A person with insecure attachment needs a lot of affirmation. More than most ordinary partners tend to typically give, especially as the years go by and people take one another for granted.

But I don't know if that is you, or not.

So as you decide what to do, think about what will happen if the relationship you are in cannot survive the "poly bomb" and also consider if you could handle, even if your partner is fine with poly, if they also want other partners. Consider how it can all go if you take different actions, and what you are most comfortable living with.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Caughtupandwasted,

My story can be found on the blog board, you can read many people's stories there. I guess the main thing for me was cutting ties with the church. After that the way forward seemed clear.

I hope you can make peace with your polyness, you do seem to be inclined toward poly.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Multitude]

I can't really add anything to what has been said already, but I would urge you to stop cheating. Take some time, think about how you want to live your life. If necessary, make a clean cut and re-invent yourself, but you shouldn't exploit your partners trust in you.

 

[vinsanity0]

If you peruse these boards you will learn that the "poly bomb" can be a devastating one to drop. Chances are good that it will fail. At some point you have to decide if you are going to be true to yourself or not though. It's hard to make those decisions when you have the distraction of a mono relationship.

Psychology is great when it comes to major disorders caused by chemical imbalances. It's rubbish when it comes to figuring out why we feel the way we feel. Saying there is a hole presumes that mono is the only acceptable way. Hundreds of people on this board know better than that. If you are looking for a therapist, find one that is poly friendly.

This is a bit of an oversimplification, but some people get it and some people don't. I was a serial monogamist, never satisfied being in one relationship. Looking back, I should have just been solo poly, but I liked having a partner in life. Fortunately, my wife and I were both open to it, it just took years to get to the point that we did it. It was definitely worth the wait.