Witchplease
New member
Our quad broke up two weeks ago, and I am heartbroken and looking for support. I am late 20’s pansexual cis female, and married to my spouse, Virgil (early 30s, enby AMAB, pansexual). A few months ago we decided to look for other folks to engage in group sex so we could have some fun. In no way did we want a poly relationship.
Then we met this other couple. Erin (mid 30’s, bisexual cis female) and Bill (late 40’s heteroflexible cis male).
There was an instant connection, and after our first meeting we were already scheduling another quickly. Erin was dating around looking for a poly relationship before meeting us but Bill had no interest. He really just wanted to make Erin happy. The group sex was really fun, and I had an intense attraction to Bill. Erin and Virgil connected with electrifying passion. When it was great, it was great. When it was bad, it was so so bad. It lasted for a little over two months.
Erin and I did not always get along. Sometimes we would connect physically and romantically for just woman on woman time, but we were each more attracted to each others spouses. The big problem was that Erin had frequent emotional outbursts that could turn into hours long fights where she plunged into spirals of anger towards me and Virgil. Any perceived slight could trigger one of these outbursts. She pushed us into an exclusive relationship before we were ready. Her and Bill fought frequently too. What we thought from the outside was a stable marriage started to look very shaky. On the other hand, Virgil and I rarely fight, and when we do we reasonably work it out between ourselves. It’s taken us many years to develop the kind of secure relationship we have and we are proud of it.
Erin and bill started confiding separately in Virgil and me about fights they were having. Last month, I brought to the group that I didn’t think this was a healthy dynamic, that married couples should keep their own fights to themselves. They both objected to this, saying we were all the confidants they had. This felt like a major red flag to me. I started to doubt in the longevity of the relationship.
Then, everything exploded. Virgil and I were going out of town for the weekend. Erin sent a group text that morning saying she wasn’t getting enough sex from Bill and was feeling disconnected from him because he would come home from a date with me and go right to sleep to get up early for work in the morning. I immediately felt uncomfortable with her bringing up an issue that should be more between her and Bill to the entire group, but responded with a suggestion that bill and I set an alarm so he can be home earlier and connect with Erin before he goes to bed. I also suggested Erin and Virgil set an alarm so I could have Virgil back and go to sleep. Erin took great offense to this because in the beginning, I struggled with the idea of time between couples needing to be fair and even. Eventually I let that go and apologized, saying that we didn’t need to count hours or minutes between each couple, acknowledging that it was silly. Erin felt this was a reoccurrence of this however, and exploded over text after I didn’t respond to her for several hours (we were busy getting ready for our trip) and sending Virgil a barrage of texts as we were driving to another city.
Erin ended up breaking up with Virgil over text, which triggered a breakup from Bill to me over text. Over the next several days Erin sent hundreds of texts to Virgil, accusing me of being controlling, entitled, manipulative, and vicious. She said that Bill only ever had sex with me because she told him to. It was awful. It was revealed through text that Erin had only broken up with Virgil so that they would chase her and beg for her back. Virgil would have no such thing.
I am so so sad. I know how many red flags there were. I, Virgil, and my therapist all suspect Erin has Borderline Personality Disorder.
I miss Bill so much. We’ve talked about the possibility of being friends down the road after a few months of no contact but right now all I want is to be with him again romantically. It’s so hard. Virgil is already moving on but I am still crying at night missing him. I know it wasn’t a healthy dynamic, and I keep telling myself that. But I still miss him.
Then we met this other couple. Erin (mid 30’s, bisexual cis female) and Bill (late 40’s heteroflexible cis male).
There was an instant connection, and after our first meeting we were already scheduling another quickly. Erin was dating around looking for a poly relationship before meeting us but Bill had no interest. He really just wanted to make Erin happy. The group sex was really fun, and I had an intense attraction to Bill. Erin and Virgil connected with electrifying passion. When it was great, it was great. When it was bad, it was so so bad. It lasted for a little over two months.
Erin and I did not always get along. Sometimes we would connect physically and romantically for just woman on woman time, but we were each more attracted to each others spouses. The big problem was that Erin had frequent emotional outbursts that could turn into hours long fights where she plunged into spirals of anger towards me and Virgil. Any perceived slight could trigger one of these outbursts. She pushed us into an exclusive relationship before we were ready. Her and Bill fought frequently too. What we thought from the outside was a stable marriage started to look very shaky. On the other hand, Virgil and I rarely fight, and when we do we reasonably work it out between ourselves. It’s taken us many years to develop the kind of secure relationship we have and we are proud of it.
Erin and bill started confiding separately in Virgil and me about fights they were having. Last month, I brought to the group that I didn’t think this was a healthy dynamic, that married couples should keep their own fights to themselves. They both objected to this, saying we were all the confidants they had. This felt like a major red flag to me. I started to doubt in the longevity of the relationship.
Then, everything exploded. Virgil and I were going out of town for the weekend. Erin sent a group text that morning saying she wasn’t getting enough sex from Bill and was feeling disconnected from him because he would come home from a date with me and go right to sleep to get up early for work in the morning. I immediately felt uncomfortable with her bringing up an issue that should be more between her and Bill to the entire group, but responded with a suggestion that bill and I set an alarm so he can be home earlier and connect with Erin before he goes to bed. I also suggested Erin and Virgil set an alarm so I could have Virgil back and go to sleep. Erin took great offense to this because in the beginning, I struggled with the idea of time between couples needing to be fair and even. Eventually I let that go and apologized, saying that we didn’t need to count hours or minutes between each couple, acknowledging that it was silly. Erin felt this was a reoccurrence of this however, and exploded over text after I didn’t respond to her for several hours (we were busy getting ready for our trip) and sending Virgil a barrage of texts as we were driving to another city.
Erin ended up breaking up with Virgil over text, which triggered a breakup from Bill to me over text. Over the next several days Erin sent hundreds of texts to Virgil, accusing me of being controlling, entitled, manipulative, and vicious. She said that Bill only ever had sex with me because she told him to. It was awful. It was revealed through text that Erin had only broken up with Virgil so that they would chase her and beg for her back. Virgil would have no such thing.
I am so so sad. I know how many red flags there were. I, Virgil, and my therapist all suspect Erin has Borderline Personality Disorder.
I miss Bill so much. We’ve talked about the possibility of being friends down the road after a few months of no contact but right now all I want is to be with him again romantically. It’s so hard. Virgil is already moving on but I am still crying at night missing him. I know it wasn’t a healthy dynamic, and I keep telling myself that. But I still miss him.
